


Supernova

by Taeyongsgf



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:08:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 103,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taeyongsgf/pseuds/Taeyongsgf
Summary: „No, I'm making an offer. A deal.“„A deal?“ Jungwoo raised one eyebrow.„Let me live here and I’ll get Kun to like you.“The confidence in Lucas’ voice made the older laugh involuntarily.„You've clearly watched too many teenage movies, Lucas.“„Is that a no?“Jungwoo shook his head, puzzlement on his face. „That's a 'this isn't Mean Girls or 10 things I hate about you'? All of this, your whole situation, it’s too serious to be joked-“Lucas interrupted him, „Yes or no?“„You gonna... make him fall for me? God, that sounds so cringey. This is stupid, isn’t it?“ Jungwoo was saying that, yet the sparkle of hope in his chest betrayed him.Lucas nodded, biting his lips again. „I'll make you meet 'coincidentally'. I'll tell him nice stuff about you. Like a wingman, but large scale.“ Comparable to an excited child he beamed at the other, waiting for praise.„And in return? What exactly do you expect from me?“ Jungwoo wanted to know, still on guard.„These blankets and this spot on the floor till I figure out where to stay.“Jungwoo thought about it. „A few days at most?“„Less,“ Lucas said.„Okay.“





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once I know where I'm going with the plot, I'll do polls!! If you wanna participate my twitter is "xuxigalaxy".  
> English is my third language, so excuse typos / grammar mistakes :3  
> Alsooo, this fic will contain swearing, so if that makes you uncomfortable, please be warned!!  
> I'm horrible at writing summaries I'm sorry
> 
> P.S. If you think the first few chapters suck, I agree,,, I was just getting the hang out of the whole fanfic thing, I promise it gets better (at least I hope so)

„Doyoung, tell me you're kidding. Please.“ Doubt was written on Jungwoo's face. 

 “I wish I was,“ the black-haired boy responded with a sigh. He handed him the letter and both sat down on Doyoung's bed. His friend gestured him to read.

_Dear residents of the dormitories in building A... The building ... not up to current safety regulations... we are sorry to inform you... obligatory... all residents... move to building D... more information on the attached sheets… if there are questions…call…_

„What? I don't get it? They want us to move out so suddenly? We won't be roommates anymore!“ Jungwoo looked around, confused. „Isn't this… illegal?“

He stared at his best friend. They couldn't do this to him. He needed Doyoung's bed to be across his and Doyoung's annoying voice to wake him up in the morning. He needed Doyoung.

„It's stupid, but it's definitely not illegal. I mean we're just moving into the empty building that's less than 300 meters away,“ he looked out of the window as if calculating the distance. Jungwoo realized that he actually might be trying to measure the route with his hyperintelligent rabbit eyes.

The younger boy looked around their small room: Doyoung's hundred books stacked on each other, his own plushies (including the Snoopy one his mom gave him for his birthday, when he was four) messily put on his bed across the room, clothes piled in the corner, bags of instant noodles, half empty water bottles... It was nothing special, but it was _their_ room. They've lived here together for over a year and it has been the best year of his entire life. Sadness filled him as he imagined his best friend not living with him anymore.

„I'll protest. I’ll get a chain. If they wanna tear down the building, they'll have to do it over my dead body.“ 

Doyoung rolled his eyes. „First, we don't have a chain, second... it's not that bad, we literally will be in the same building again. Plus,“ he showed him the second page of the letter, „you'll even get a single room. You know how hard it is to get one, right? You're a lucky one... Jungwoo are you even listening?“

The brown-haired boy was staring at his phone, ignoring Doyoung. Doyoung in turn tried to catch a glimpse of his friend's phone screen.

„Geez, are you really looking for steel chains? Right now? Those aren't even same day delivery? Don't order them, you idiot. By the time they arrive the building is dust already. Jungwoo stop,“ he covered the phone's display with a hand, forcing the other to look up with the other.

Puppy eyes met Doyoung's serious bunny face.

„We gotta pack our stuff over the weekend. Monday we'll move out. Don't be dramatic over this, it's really not that big of a deal. We are practically glued to each other anyway, two rooms between us won't change that.“

Jungwoo let himself fall onto the mattress, staring at the white ceiling. „I have all my stuff here. What about my posters. Do you know how damn hard it is to remove posters from the wall without damaging them?“

Doyoung pointed to the wall on Jungwoo's side, expression obviously torn between wanting to kick his friend's ass and wanting to laugh at him. „You mean your One Direction posters? God, all of One Direction is over One Direction disbanding and you're still not!“

At this remark Jungwoo shot him an angry look. „I knew you were a bandwagon Directioner. It's a pause, they didn't -“

The pillow hit his face without warning. 

„Help me pack my books into cartons later,“ Doyoung said, one hand suffocating his friend with a pillow, the other pulling his phone out of his pocket. Jungwoo rolled over and got up.

„I've got class now. I'll help you once I'm back. Don't touch my stuff. None of it.“

They had a huge mirror in their room and Jungwoo was standing infront of it, wondering if he should get out of the plaid shirt and maybe change into something that was less wrinkly. He tried combing his messy hair with his fingers, but somehow it appeared to be even messier after. He looked at himself, his messy hair, wrinkly blue plaid shirt, ripped blue jeans and decided that a brown beanie would match his 'I'm going through tragic events' aesthetics very well.

Doyoung walked over to Jungwoo's bed and wordlessly crawled under his blanket.

He practically lived in Jungwoo’s bed, since the socket and the charger were on that side of the room. His black fringe was covering half his face, yet Jungwoo could still see the happiness sparkle in his friend’s eyes. Doyoung was blushing at his phone and Jungwoo wondered what made him smile like that. _Or who maybe._ He stared at his friend lying on his bed, hugging his giant Snoopy plushie, trying to hide his grin.

„Doyoung? You're really getting weirder every day. Remember, don't pack my stuff yet.“  _I don't want you to find any weird things_ , he thought to himself.

Doyoung pouted, „Not even the One Direction poster?“

„ _Especially_ not the poster.“

Jungwoo grabbed his bag and checked the notebooks inside. He pulled out the ones he didn't need and placed them on Doyoung's desk. „I'll probably meet Mark after class.“

Doyoung nodded, „Taeyong and Jaehyun might come over later.“

Jungwoo was searching for his black jacket in the pile of clean clothes. He couldn't find his, so he took Doyoung's, even though it looked a little too big on him. The thought of not having his friend's clothes laying around the room hit him. Was he being overdramatic? Doyoung was right they'd be on the same floor even. And a single room! He asked for one back when he first applied for a dorm room, but they had told him there were none left. Now that he had the chance to get one, he suddenly didn't want it anymore.

Jungwoo grabbed his phone and his earphones.  He'd think about all those things later, now he had a history class to go to.

He caught Doyoung opening a bag of chips, which he sneakily pulled out from under Jungwoo's bed.

„Um, those are mine-“

„Whose jacket is that?“ Doyoung grinned, shutting Jungwoo up immediately. „Also, tonight at Johnny's? You’re coming, right?“ 

Jungwoo shrugged. „Depends. Who else is gonna be there?“ he asked, putting on his shoes.

„Ten, Taeyong, Jaehyun, probably Kun and Lucas, Taeil...“

Jungwoo interrupted him, „You're sure Kun is coming?“

„Taeyong said so,“ Doyoung waved his phone, indicating that they were chatting right now. 

„I'll be there.“

Doyoung laughed, expression surprised, „Boy, you're so whipped for Ku-“

„Bye!“ Jungwoo smashed the door loudly behind him, right before Doyoung could finish his sentence.

 

* * *

 

 

„Hey there, pretty boy.“

Jungwoo hid his face behind his hands. He could feel some of the girls glaring at him already. „Shut the fuck up, Lucas.“

The other boy pretended to gasp in shock. „You're so rude?“

Jungwoo pulled his phone out and avoided paying the giant any more attention.

@Mark 4:55pm  **Where are you? Hurry** **☹**

Lucas sat down a row behind Jungwoo. „How have you been, cutie?“

@Mark 4:55pm **I trusted you.**

Lucas leaned forward, upper body bent over the desk so much that he was practically sitting next to Jungwoo. The latter was hit by an intense cloud of aftershave smell. Did Lucas even shave his babyface? It was probably perfume.

„Where is your husband?“ Lucas asked cheekily. 

@Mark 4:56pm **Hurry. Please. I'll commit homicide soon.**

„Doyoung. Is. Not. My. Husband,“ he spit out every word, still avoiding Lucas gaze.

@Mark 4:56pm  **You're a traitor.**

The giant's legs reached Jungwoo's chair and he kicked against it, trying to get him to look at him, while Jungwoo did his best to pretend he was not there.

„Oh, so you're straight now?“

Jungwoo noticed the people around them eavesdropping. _This is so stupid_. He finally started back at Lucas, who had a wide grin on his face. Messy, slightly too long hair was falling in front of his dark eyes.

„No, Doyoung is just waaay too good for me,“ Jungwoo smiled widely, fake as can be.

At this Lucas stopped grinning for a split second. With something that Jungwoo would interpret as concern on his face (if he was a person capable of feeling concern for others that is), the tall boy said, „You've got issues, man.“

_Well, he has a point_ , Jungwoo thought to himself. He tried to ignore him again, put his earphones in and spammed Mark with angry emojis, but not a minute had passed before Jungwoo realized that Lucas was throwing little pieces of paper at him.

At first the smaller boy pretended not to notice the shower of paper balls hitting him, yet, when a few landed in his bag and his pencil case he groaned annoyed.  „Lucas. You're not funny? I swear, I'll kick your ass before the prof walks in.“

Only an amused chuckle was the response. „You wish, I'd let you near my ass.“

Jungwoo got up and changed seats. Now he sat three rows away from the stupidly smirking boy. For a moment he considered stabbing him with a pen, but he couldn’t go to jail yet. He had too much to live for.

When he had first seen Lucas face in the crowded room, a few weeks ago, he had seriously considered dropping the class. He could stand Lucas’ presence once every blue moon at parties (they had the same extended friend group and there was nothing Jungwoo could do about that) but talking to him alone was a nightmare. Lucas was weird, obnoxious and constantly screaming. Jungwoo had no idea why Kun always hung out with him, especially since Kun himself was an angel. At first he thought there might be more to the boy, that maybe, just maybe, he had sides he didn't show everyone. But, three weeks into this class he had realized how unbelievably wrong he’d been.

„Zeus!“ 

Jungwoo looked up to be greeted by Mark's wide smile and a cup of coffee. „Why are you sitting here?“

Mark sat down next to him, throwing his backpack on an empty chair, trying his hardest not to spill the coffee in his cup. Nearly violet under eye circles, a white sweater, stained with at least two different kinds of beverages, black shirt underneath and the same blue jeans he'd been wearing the past week were clear indicators that Mark had spent the whole night and morning playing games with Donghyuck. 

„Don't ask,“ Jungwoo sighed and gestured towards Lucas, who was surrounded by three pretty girls laughing too loudly about his lame jokes. 

„Romeo at it again? Aw,“ Mark laughed and, of course, spilled coffee on his ruled notebook. 

„Instant karma,“ the older stated with a serious face, watching his panicked friend try to save his ruined notes.

„Yo! Mark Lee!“ Lucas suddenly shouted across the room, got up and made a fist, raising it up proudly. „Let's get it!“ 

Jungwoo looked at the brown-eyed boy in disgust. He observed the stupid smile spread on his face, messy chestnut brown hair falling in front of his eyes, even the silver chain around his neck moved up and down as Lucas did some weird movements.

„Gotta go get it!“ Mark shouted back, beating on his chest with a fist and Jungwoo sank deeper into his chair. What kind of strange ritual was he currently involuntarily witnessing?

Finally the professor walked in, saving him from anymore traumatizing events. But, of course, before Lucas turned to face the lecturer, he winked at Jungwoo in a way that was probably supposed to be cute but gave him goosebumps. Goosebumps of disgust.

Jungwoo sighed, looked at the boy’s neck and wondered what he might have done to attract Lucas attention like that. They had met a few months before, at a semester opening party, and the giant demon had been a jerk to him ever since. Mark had told him that „Lucas was always like that around people, he was comfortable with”, and Jungwoo had been pondering for a while now what he could do to make Lucas feel ... less comfortable around him? He'd do a lot to stop those girls from staring at him all the time like he had just kicked a puppy.

Another piece of paper fell to the ground when he raised his arm to ask a question.  _Idiot._ Jungwoo hadn’t asked for any of this.

 

* * *

 

 

„How about we get Pizza?“ Mark asked, shoving his coffee stained notebook into his bag. He been complaining that he was starving the last 10 minutes of class and was now tapping nervously on the desk, waiting for Jungwoo to pack his stuff.

Jungwoo only shrugged in response, taking his time, turning the pages of his notebook. “I don't care. But wait a moment, Mark.“

„KFC?“

Still looking over his notes, comparing them to Mark’s, Jungwoo shrugged again. „You decide,“ he replied without much enthusiasm.

Mark took off his snapback, ran his fingers through his hair and put it on again. „You're making this so hard.“

„Can the child prodigy not decide for the both of us? I really don't care. Now be quiet a second, let me copy this, please.“

A voice from across the room spoke up. „I'll decide for you. Jungwoo chooses me. Mark is eliminated. All other contestants can leave now.“

Mark laughed, while Jungwoo was silently glaring at his notebook.

„Wow your grades must be pretty shitty for you to rely on this idiot's notes,“ Lucas chuckled, walking up to Mark and Jungwoo. Everyone else had left the room already. 

„Well, not everyone's family can buy half the library and make sure their kid passes,“ Jungwoo said through gritted teeth, offering a fake smile. Everything about Lucas made him want to fight him right on the spot, which was something that Jungwoo usually never felt. He was rather shy by nature, yet that boy brought out the worst in him easily. And his constant conceited comments weren’t helping at all.

„Ouch,“ Lucas said slowly, making a hurt expression. Jungwoo looked up for only a moment, then focused on writing again. 

Helplessly, Mark coughed. „Um, anyway, you'll be at Johnny's tonight too, right?“

He was obviously trying to lift the awkward mood, eyes darting left and right between a sulking Lucas and an angry Jungwoo.

Lucas nodded, hands in the pocket of his giant brown hoodie. Quietly he said, „Hope, I'll see you there.”

Wordlessly he grabbed his bag from his seat and left the room.

„Damn, you just were a major dick,“ Mark stated as soon as Lucas was gone.

„And he's been one for months,“ Jungwoo said as he packed his stuff into his bag and got up, „Let's go get something to eat now please. I need to drown my emotions in fries.“


	2. Chapter 2

The stars were hidden behind clouds and somehow that caused Jungwoo to feel the lingering loneliness in his chest more severely. He had always preferred daytime over nighttime, the sun over the moon. Tonight he was reminded why he felt that way. There was something sad about a moonless, starless sky. 

@Doyoung 10:17pm  **I'm waiting outside Dotokki** **♡**

The three minutes it took Doyoung to meet up with Jungwoo outside the building felt like forever. Even though it was warm Jungwoo put on Doyoung's jacket (the one he had borrowed that morning). It made him feel more comfortable in a way only sentimental objects were able to.

„Hey loser,“ Doyoung greeted him with a happy smile. Jungwoo noticed the change of clothes. White shirt, black ripped jeans, black cardigan and white converse. Doyoung looked great.  _Too great_  for someone who claimed he had spent the entire evening lying in bed, watching YouTube videos.

„I'm only here because of you,“ Jungwoo replied in a pretend-annoyed tone, greeting him with a hug. Doyoung pulled him into the building by his hands, walking backwards up the stairs, pulling Jungwoo along. They could already faintly hear the music playing.

„So, my name is Kun now?“

Doyoung couldn’t help but laugh at Jungwoo's panicked face.

„Shut up, oh my god. He might hear you?“

„Dude, we're not even inside-“

„Hi, guys.“

Both boys froze and stared at Kun, who was casually walking down the stairs, coming their way.

„Fucking hell,“ Jungwoo screeched in surprise.

Kun blinked, taken aback.

„Hello to you too?“

„I mean, hi. You. That. Hi.“ An awkward laugh followed and Jungwoo could feel Doyoung squeeze his arm. 'Stop being an idiot,' his friend probably tried to tell him.

„Uh, I gotta go. I’ll wait inside,“ said Doyoung in a nonchalant tone, yet his eyes told a whole different story. Before he walked upstairs he winked at Jungwoo. 

_I'll kill you, Doyoung._

Kun nodded him goodbye, then his eyes met Jungwoo’s. „How have you been, Jungwoo? I haven't seen you in forever.“

_I've avoided you, because I'm a weirdo, who's definitely gonna do something embarrassing the moment you’re around._

„I've been busy. You know class and stuff,“ Jungwoo said unconvincingly, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

The smile the older boy gave him caused something inside him to melt.

Kun fixed his onyx hair with one hand, eyes wandering to the wall behind them. For an instant, Jungwoo allowed his eyes to wander over Kun’s face and the white shirt he was wearing. It was loose at all the right places, exposing the skin of his collarbone and shoulders.  _Stop staring creep,_  he told himself, stepping from one foot to the other.

„Lucas told me, you have World History together.“

It sounded more like a question than a fact, so Jungwoo nodded.

„I need to take that class, since I changed major last semester.“ 

„Do you like-“

„Kun! Yoooo! Kuuuuuun!“ 

_Was this the voice greeting you at the entrance of hell? Probably._  Jungwoo looked at the demon smirking widely at him. 

„You came!“ Lucas cheerfully said.

The smaller boy forced himself to smile back, then turned to Kun again, „You were saying?“

Lucas interrupted them without hesitation nor shame.

„Kun! We need you! Mark and Donghyuck are fighting. It looks pretty serious. And Taeyong can't do shit. He's drunk and keeps threatening them with hugs.“

Kun made a muffled sound, a mixture of a groan and a laugh, smiled apologizingly at Jungwoo and ran upstairs.

Lucas gaze met Jungwoo's, then the taller boy eyed him quickly, giving him the once-over. Jungwoo couldn’t help but feel self-conscious suddenly.

„So, you came, because you missed my handsome face?“

Jungwoo chuckled dryly, „You're so full of yourself.“

They walked up the stairs together, careful not to accidentally touch. Jungwoo had been to Johnny's new flat only once before. He didn’t remember which door they were looking for, so he let Lucas guide the way. His eyes were glued to the back of the black jacket Lucas was wearing. The hoodie jacket was probably big enough to count as a small blanket. Even the black ripped jeans he was wearing looked huge. For a split second Jungwoo wondered what Lucas' jacket would look like on him, but he suppressed the thought quickly.

„Do you want me to get you a drink?“ the other boy looked around, face friendly.  _Too friendly._

„Why act like you care?“ Jungwoo smiled back, fake cute all over again.

Lucas halted on the stairs, making the smaller bump into him.

„Because you look kinda cute tonight.“ 

„Geez. Save it for your fans,“ came the mumbled reply. He didn’t look up. Last thing he needed was Lucas seeing him blush. Jungwoo made sure to keep more distance between them now, avoiding another crash into the demon's back.

„I'm pretty sure you're one of them, tho?“ 

The older rolled his eyes, sighing, „Where do you get all that arrogance.“

„Confidence, you mean?“ Lucas smirked before opening the unlocked door, holding it open for Jungwoo to walk in first.

Jungwoo expected the music to be loud, but not  _this_  loud. Neon lights lit the apartment and someone had brought a fog machine.  _A fucking fog machine?_   Truly, everything Johnny and Ten touched had to be extra.

Jungwoo could recognize the top of Johnny's head. He was looking down, doing something with his DJ equipment. Ten and Yuta were dancing in front of Johnny's table and they were going hard. Jungwoo already felt his heart beating faster by looking at the crowd. He spotted his friends, but also saw at least a dozen people he had never seen before. 

„You look like you're about to shit yourself,“ he heard Lucas say next to him, „Do you and your husband never leave your room? Socialize maybe?“

Jungwoo gave him an annoyed look before saying, „Leave me alone,“ and walking to his friends. They were spread on the couches, some of them were standing in a circle. Jungwoo quickly realized that the ones standing were arguing. He let himself fall on the couch next to Taeil.

„What's up?“

„This is better than any K-Drama out there,“ his friend replied, gesturing at their friends fighting. Jungwoo took the chips bowl from Taeil's hand and observed. 

„No, this is Mark's fault! I told him to not to drink, if he can't handle!”

Donghyuck looked like he was about to rip Mark into tiny pieces. Mark and Donghyuck were standing across each other, Kun and Doyoung in the middle of them, both looking helpless. 

„How about  _you_  take care of  _your_  stuff? You don't want your screen to crack? I get that. But… DON'T LEAVE YOUR PHONE ON THE COUCH?! AT A PARTY?“ Mark's shouting was terrifying, yet Donghyuck looked unbothered.

„WHO JUMPS ON A COUCH FROM A THREE METER DISTANCE? THIS ISNT P.E. CLASS?“

Kun reached out to stop the younger one from taking another step forward.

„Donghyuck. You're actually the most annoying person on this planet,“ the older of the two groaned.

Black hair fell in front of Donghyuck's eyes as he looked at the ground, taking a deep breath.

„Wow, they do say drunks always tell the truth. So, that’s what I am to you? The most annoying person on this planet?“

The hurt in his voice was undeniable.

Mark's face softened. „Listen. I'm sorry. Really. I am. But I'm not gonna buy you a new phone.“

Jungwoo raised his eyebrows in surprise.  _This is what this was about?_

„You made me buy you Overwatch again, but you refuse to buy me a new phone?“

All hurt in his voice was replaced with anger.

„Are you serious? The game costs like $70 and you  _stepped on it_. After playing without asking me for permission. Your fault. This here? Not my fault. Plus, a new phone costs a fortune?“

Donghyuck opened his mouth to shout back a counter-argument, but a half tumbling Taeyong walked between them.

„You should just hug.“

Mark's eyes looked like they were about to pop out. Jungwoo noticed a laughing Jaehyun following Taeyong closely, phone in his hands, camera pointed at their drunk friend at all times.

Doyoung noticed too.

„Jaehyun, stop filming Taeyong,“ he made a hand movement up and down Taeyong's dancing body, „This is your fault entirely, Jae.“ 

Jaehyun put his phone down but was still laughing. “Listen, I gave him one drink. Uno. Eins. One. And he can barely walk straight. How is that even possible?“ He pointed his phone camera at Taeyong again, who, in the meantime, was trying to get Mark and Donghyuck to hold hands.

„Stop filming him or believe me, once he sobers up, you gonna wish your phone had  _only_  a broken screen,“ Doyoung said to Jaehyun in a serious tone.

In moments like this Jungwoo understood, why he used to be the class representative for years. It was the way he spoke, and how he spoke, that gave him an air of sincerity.

Jaehyun grinned, waving his phone teasingly, „You're only mad, because you don't have footage of him meowing.“

Immediately Doyoung left Mark and Donghyuck and ran over to Jaehyun.

„Oh my god, show me.“

Gone was the class president. 

Taeyong, still trying to get the fighting two to hug, didn’t even notice Doyoung and Jaehyun walking away to watch the video in peace. Kun alone was standing between Mark and Donghyuck, trying to calm them down.

„I thought this was gonna be a quiet gathering,“ Jungwoo sighed.

Taeil wordlessly offered him a bottle of beer. The younger one shook his head. His friend shrugged and opened the bottle for himself.

„You do know about the party feud between Johnny and Ten, right?“

Jungwoo shook his head again.

Taeyong had just kissed Mark on the cheek and Donghyuck looked like he was about to vomit.

„Ever since freshman year those two try to always outdo each other’s parties. Rumor has it Johnny even moved out of the dorms because of their stupid feud.“

„Why would he do that?“ Doyoung asked, throwing himself between Taeil and Jungwoo. He put an arm around Jungwoo, giving him a 'You okay?' look. Jungwoo smiled affirmatively and Doyoung took the chips from him, placing them on his own lap.

„Too many noise complaints,“ Taeil answered.

Jungwoo looked at him, puzzled. „Wait. Wasn't he the RA?“

„Exactly,“ Taeil laughed. He seemed to have noticed something, because he suddenly put his beer in Doyoung's hands and left. Jungwoo watched him walk up to Sicheng.

Then he noticed the girls from history class standing around Lucas, all of them laughing and dancing to the music.

„Wow, who invited  _them_?“ he whispered to Doyoung.

Doyoung looked over his shoulder, bunny eyes wide as he took in the whole scene.

„Lucas probably?“

„And Johnny was okay with it?“ Jungwoo sounded suspicious. He realized that Lucas was looking right back at him, still smiling at something a tall, dark haired beauty had said. He didn’t look away. Their gazes locked for a split second. Jungwoo huffed and looked away first, back into his best friend's dark eyes.

„Why are you like this? Don't be so petty,“ Doyoung ate a handful of chips in between his sentences. „They aren't even talking with Kun.“

„Cause they're all up Lucas' ass right now. But, the moment he leaves even for a second they all gonna be like 'Kun hi hi hi what do you major in hi hi hi'„

„When did you become like this?“ his friend said judgingly, shoving another handful of chips into his mouth. 

„Anyway, show me the video of Taeyong meowing, please“ Jungwoo asked and within seconds he was watching his friend embarrassing the shit out of himself on the screen. 

People came and went; Doyoung didn't leave his side for longer than a minute. He knew Jungwoo's anxiety was worse at parties, so he was practically glued to him. Mark and Donghyuck ended up solving their problems with a rap freestyle battle, which Donghyuck won (to be fair, mostly because he kissed Mark on the cheek, who then was too shocked to continue), Taeyong was grinding on the floor next to Ten and Yuta, and Kun and Taeil were playing cards (while Sicheng was sitting next to them, complaining that his best friends were boring). Jungwoo watched his friends being their usual stupid selves, but he couldn't stop feeling out of place. It might have been the music, maybe the stupid fog machine, or maybe the presence of now at least 30 people, who he had never seen before. He just didn't feel good.

„I need to eat something,“ he said to no one in particular.

Doyoung gestured to a table in the corner of the room. „Want me to come with you?“ he asked.

„I promise, I won't get lost,“ Jungwoo laughed and made his way to the pizza.

„NO! Be careful-“

It was too late. 

Lucas had just spilled a whole bowl of punch on Jungwoo. Sticky, sweet liquid was dripping down his hair, face, chest and stomach. Cold fluid met his skin through soaked fabric. Doyoung's jacket was ruined and so were his clothes. He felt disgusting. But that was nothing compared to the horrible feeling of embarrassment filling his stomach.  _Don't cry, don't you dare._ The whole room was staring at him and Lucas. Silence had spread through the crowd, even Johnny had stopped playing music. 

„Shit, no. No, no, no. Are you okay?“ Lucas placed the empty bowl on the ground and grabbed tissues from a nearby table.

„Shut up,“ Jungwoo whispered numbly.

„I'm so, so sorry! Wait let me-“ Lucas tried to take Jungwoo's jacket off, but he was not moving. Jungwoo felt like was made of stone. Cold, unyielding, hard. He couldn't move. Only his heart was racing. 

„Don't touch me.“ The voice leaving his mouth wasn't his own. Sometimes anxiety turned him into a stranger.

„I'm... It was an accident,“ Lucas sheepishly stuttered, big brown eyes defenseless.

„Oh, of course. Out of all people it had to be  _you_  spilling shit on  _me_. Get the fuck away from me Lucas.“

_'I have to leave right now,'_  was the only thought racing through his head as he took a step back.

„Wait...“ Lucas began, hand reaching out to stop him from walking.

Jungwoo didn’t notice he was shouting until he heard his own voice fill the room.

„Don't be stupid for once? Leave me alone. I don't wanna see your face!“

He ran out of the room and kept running until the moonless, starless night sky was his only companion again.


	3. Chapter 3

Have you ever felt the sharp, excruciating pain of complete and utter embarrassment regarding an event, now in the past, which you can't undo, yet getting over it is simply impossible, because every time you close your eyes, everything repeats itself in your mind, like a movie you wish you hadn't watched in the first place?

Jungwoo kept his eyes shut, his mind distracted with Lucas-free thoughts and pretended to be asleep, even when he felt Doyoung's hand on his arm.

„I know you're awake,“ Doyoung whispered in the dark. 

„How?“ Jungwoo asked curiously, eyes fluttering open.

„You don't sleep on your back. Ever.“

Jungwoo clearly hadn't taken his friend's observation skills into consideration.

„Do you ever sleep or do you just stare at me till dawn every night?“

Doyoung chuckled quietly. In the darkness of the room Jungwoo could make out his messy hair, the tired face, his exhausted eyes. He sat up in his bed, made room for his friend to sit.

„What time is it?“ Jungwoo asked.

His phone's battery had died on the way home, just when he had reached their flat. Doyoung had been on the phone, making sure the younger got to the dorms safely, while music was still loudly playing in the background and their friends were screaming every once in a while. Jungwoo had wordlessly walked the familiar path, warm tears streaming down his face. His best friend had offered coming home immediately, but he had asked him not to. In that moment he had desired nothing but solitude and silent self-loathing. He hadn't even charged his phone, which was lifelessly laying somewhere.

„Around 4 a.m.“ Doyoung sat down next to Jungwoo, pulling half the blanket from him, covering himself. He was still wearing the clothes he had worn at the party.

„So?“ the raven-haired boy said flatly.

„So, what?“ Jungwoo replied cautiously.

Doyoung rested his chin on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs under the blanket. A long sigh, voice calm, „How do you feel?“

He shrugged. „I don't know.“  _Horrible_.

„You overreacted.“

„I did,“ Jungwoo agreed, smiling bitterly.

„But it's not as bad as your brain probably tries to convince you of right now,“ Doyoung reassuringly said. His voice was soft and careful, as if he was scared of hurting Jungwoo with his mere words.

„You sure?“ He could feel himself tearing up again. The things he had avoided thinking about hit him like waves hit the shore. Merciless and violent. Every time he saw Lucas' face, heard his own voice screaming, he felt like he was drowning all over again.

„Absolutely. It was kinda weird. You were harsh, but it was a fucked up situation overall. Lucas will get over it. Just apologize.“

Doyoung made everything sound so easy, so comprehensible.

„But I don't wanna talk to him. Nor see him ever again.“ Jungwoo knew he sounded childish, yet the words were nothing but honest.

„That's a bit difficult, considering you see him once a week in class. And whenever you'll wanna talk to you-know-who, he'll be around.“

Jungwoo hid his face behind his hands. „Don't remind me that Kun exists. Please. Or I'll start crying again.“

Doyoung pulled the big Snoopy plushie into his arms, playing with its ears, while furrowing his eyebrows in deep thought.

„Why do you hate him so much? I mean I get that he's ... not exactly like the both of us. But with him, it's like you're mad at everything he does.“

„I don’t really know.” Jungwoo took a deep breath, trying to put the thoughts which he had only dared to admit to himself before into coherent sentences. „He reminds me of the people... in school... that I hated?“

Doyoung raised his eyebrows questioningly. Jungwoo shook his head, raising a hand to stop him from interrupting.

„No, listen I'll explain. He's spoiled. Everything comes to him easily. He smiles and everyone falls for him instantly. Don't laugh, Doyoung! I'm serious. I've watched it happen like a million times already. He's never once raised his hand in class, but I bet, he's gonna pass everything with As only, ‘cause his parents 'donate' a shit ton to the library. How is that fair? He can’t even stop himself from saying the dumbest things all the time. Also, I’m pretty sure he has a problem with me being gay? Overall, he's a rich, spoiled egomaniac, who asks me if I've ‘turned straight suddenly’ once a week. Who does that?“

„You're really… passionate ‘bout this,“ Doyoung mumbled, seemingly confused by the sudden anger in his friend’s voice. „You know, you don't have to be friends with him. No one forces you to. But I think you'll feel better if you apologize.“

The sun peaked through the curtains by now, light shining shyly on the two boys curled up under the huge blanket.

„I'm sorry,“ the raven-haired boy said, eyes filled with guilt looking into Jungwoo's. 

Jungwoo responded surprised, „What for?“

„I basically forced you to go to that stupid party.“

The younger groaned, „Shut up, oh my god. It's not your fault at all.“

Silence filled the room, but it was the good kind of silence. The 'we can be quiet for hours without it being awkward' kind.

„What are we gonna do now?“ Doyoung asked.

„Spend the day moving our stuff into the other building?“ Jungwoo responded.

„And then?“

Jungwoo ran his fingers through his still wet hair. He had showered as soon as he had gotten home and then he had washed Doyoung's jacket by hand. His own clothes he had thrown into the laundry basket.

„Avoid Lucas and Kun and everyone else maybe?“ He tried to make it sound like a joke, but he was serious.

„Taeyong will come over later to help us carry stuff, though.“

„That’s okay. He probably didn't even realize what happened,“ Jungwoo said, „Did he get home safe?“

Doyoung nodded. Dark under eye circles were visible, his lips were chapped. He had started lip biting again. A bad habit that he hated but still couldn’t get rid off whenever he felt too stressed.

„He slept over at Jaehyun's.“ 

Jungwoo couldn't help but notice the sudden coldness in Doyoung's voice.

„Are you mad at him?“ he asked carefully.

„Why would I be?“ came the quick response.  _Too quick._

„Okay.“

The older boy pushed him playfully. „Don't okay me like that.“

„I'm just saying, if there's something bothering you-“ Jungwoo began. He knew Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung fought differently and made up differently than he and Doyoung did. Their dynamics were completely different. But he could sense that his friend was annoyed. 

„Yeah, there is. You haven't told me what we're gonna do about the whole Lucas and Kun thing.“

Another frustrated groan from Jungwoo. „I don't know. I just wanna avoid them till I've kinda processed what happened tonight.“

„Take your time. It'll be fine.“ Doyoung patted the younger’s head as if he was a puppy.

Not entirely convinced, Jungwoo asked, „Do you really think so?“

„I'm absolutely sure,“ Doyoung said, before rolling over to shut the curtains, „We should sleep.“

Jungwoo stayed silent. Too many thoughts crowded his mind for him to seriously consider sleeping now.

„Can I tell you something?“ Doyoung asked hesitantly, not facing Jungwoo anymore.

„Of course.“ Panic spread in Jungwoo's chest.

_'Can we talk? Can I tell you something? There's something I really have to talk to you about.' The holy trinity of anxiety inducing phrases._

„You won't be mad?“ questioned his friend.

„I promise.”

„I don't think Lucas is as bad a person as you make him out to be. He's kind of weird, yeah, but he was really sorry for what happened. He left the party right after you did. He said like he didn't feel well all of a sudden, but it was obviously because of what had happened. I don't know. If he really was that big of an ass, he wouldn't have cared at all. I just… I don’t know what to think about him.“

„I honestly don't know either,“ the younger one mumbled.

 

Not short after Jungwoo could hear Doyoung's slow and steady breath, indicating that he was fast asleep. He, in contrast, was busy thinking about his high school days. He had said Lucas reminded him of someone. He hadn't lied. But it wasn't  _people_. It was one person.

Trying to make as little noise as possible, Jungwoo got up and opened a wooden drawer next to his closet. He pulled out a notebook, its pages stained, the cover bearing marks of years of use, and flipped through the pages until he found the entry he was looking for.

_..._

_I can't blame him for hating me. He has every right to. I'm the stupid one for falling in love with him when he has never shown me any kind of affection. I'm stupid. I'm stupid and naive._   _He's like the sun. Looking at him for too long can blind you. He's radiant, charismatic. He speaks, and you want to listen. He's magnetic. He doesn't run from his fears. I wish I was like him._   _It's like he's a shooting star and I'm just a fool, trying to catch him, hands always reached out to grab him. But in the end, I'm just a child with empty hands, holding on to nothing._

_..._

Jungwoo closed the old notebook after reading the entry he had written two years ago. Back then he had been a different person: weaker, more emotional, irrational, confused about everything. Personified teenage angst. He was so much stronger now. Happier. Okay, Lucas' reminded him of his first love. But all that was nothing but a bittersweet chapter full of regretful 'if only I hads' and haunting 'what ifs' now.

He would apologize to Lucas and then he'd avoid him. It wasn't Lucas' fault, but he kept bringing out the worst in Jungwoo. Then he’d ask Kun out. Somehow. He had no idea how, but he’d do it. No more 'what ifs'.

He went back to bed, feeling a bit better. He wasn't gonna run after shooting stars anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Taeyong ran his thin fingers through his light pink hair, his fringe defying gravity the way only bed hair could. No matter how many times he tried to comb his too long hair with his fingers, he still looked like he was trying to imitate Son Goku.

„You owe me big time. I barely slept.“

Doyoung shoved him aside with his elbow. „Stop acting hangover when you only had one singular drink.“

The cherry blossom haired boy followed him, frustration showing on his face. „I've told you a hundred times, I had a whole bottle.“

„Jaehyun is saying something else,“ Doyoung countered.

He was carrying a box filled with blankets and plushies upstairs, closely followed by Taeyong, who was carrying two backpacks, both filled with books. Walking closely behind them was Jungwoo. The latter was carrying three plastic bags, wearing a backpack and carefully balancing a cardboard carton box between his arms.

„Who do you trust more? Me or Jaehyun?“ Taeyong asked Doyoung, playful outrage in his voice. He clearly was dead tired, his face was unusually pale, and in his black sweater he had definitely slept the night before.

„I don't trust any of you two,“ replied Doyoung intentionally coldheartedly.

The raven-haired boy looked around the hallway, searching for the room with the right number on the door. „Found it!“ he said, smiling excited. The one they were looking for was the last room in the hallway, the farthest away from the stairs.

„Can someone help me... please,“ Jungwoo made a choking sound. He was trying to walk, but the weight of the things he was carrying slowly pulled him towards the ground.

Taeyong frowningly took a plastic bag from the three Jungwoo was carrying, shaking his head. “I told you, you're not a horse,“ he mumbled. „We have to go back to the other building again anyway, you could have...,“ he peaked into the plastic bag, „Are those... blankets?“ 

„Yeah,“ Jungwoo replied from behind him, still fighting gravity. His back would hurt the whole week.

„Why do you have three extra blankets? You've never once used them?“ Doyoung asked, judgment in his voice. His eyes were still fixed on the door. 

_Dora, no, Doyoung, the explorer at work._

„The actual question is why  _you_  have so many  _books_?“ The cherry blossom haired one asked Doyoung in Jungwoo's defense.

It had taken them forever to sort Doyoung's books into boxes that morning and the reminder alone made Jungwoo feel exhausted (especially because Doyoung insisted on sorting them  _alphabetically_ ).

„Guess not everyone likes to destroy their brain cells in their free time.“ The way he glared at their friend made Jungwoo shiver.  _Dora the Explorer turned Donnie Darko._

„It's this one,“ Doyoung stated, pointing at a wooden door. Expectantly he looked back to where Jungwoo was standing, waiting for him to come closer.

Jungwoo placed the things he was carrying on the ground, hands searching for the keys in his pockets. They had gotten them from the RA that morning. Nearly had they begged him not to wait till Monday and instead give them the keys today already. Doyoung had argued that he had class the whole day and he wasn't gonna be half dead during all his classes, because of something that wasn't even his fault. After Doyoung shot a bunch of rhetorically and logically unbeatable arguments at the guy, he gave in and just handed them their keys. 

_Where are those damn keys now?_

„Jungwoo?“ Doyoung looked at him questioningly. 

„Found them,“ he said quietly.  _Thank God._

Both Doyoung and Taeyong looked at him with relief, both had secretly expected him to have lost the keys already.

Jungwoo felt his heart racing as he opened the door. Soon this would be his new home. The place he'd hide at whenever things were too much and where he'd stare at the ceiling, at 4am, after a YouTube video marathon, asking himself what he was doing with his life and why nothing ever felt like it was going to last.

A new home.

He opened the door and the smell of something really weird hit him.  _Was... that aftershave?_  The stench was aggressive. Did the person living here before him clean the carpets with aftershave?

„Well, that's… new,“ Taeyong said, walking in, sniffing the air like a curious puppy.

The room was furnished with the same wooden furniture, which was also placed in their old building. Huge desk, a drawer, huge closet, a single bed. A lot of dust and the depressing plain white walls with grey stains. A mini kitchen with a small fridge, a sink and a stove. This room came with a single bathroom though, something Jungwoo was immensely thankful for.

„It's cute,“ Doyoung said, sounding more cheerful than Jungwoo looked. The youngest nodded in agreement, still pulling bags into the center of the place.

„So, this is your new room.“ Taeyong patted Jungwoo's back, like a father, who'd just realized his kid was growing up. „You're living alone now.“ 

„You're pressuring him,“ Doyoung whispered to the older.

„What? I'm just telling him I'm proud!“

Ignoring his weird friends, Jungwoo mumbled, „It’s bigger than I expected.”

„You should sound more excited!“ nagged Taeyong.

A bit louder Jungwoo said, „It's big! Woah.“ A huge fake grin was forced onto his face.

Taeyong walked over and ruffled Jungwoo's hair affectionately, a pleased expression on his face. 

_Soon he's gonna call me son again._

 

* * *

 

 

„Put those boxes there please, Taeyong,“ said Jungwoo, gesturing where he could put the things. “Wait, Doyoung. Those I'll put in the closet.“

The rabbit like boy handed him the bag with his clothes and turned around to carry in the next bag.

„Huh?“ Jungwoo stopped abruptly the moment he opened the closet. „Guys?“ He paused, eyes wandering around the inside. „There's stuff in here?“ 

„What you mean?“ Doyoung asked curiously, hopping over to him.

„Well, here are clothes? Towels? A backpack?“ Jungwoo poked the bag with one finger, carefully, as if it might contain explosives.

„That's weird. I'm pretty sure, they said they made sure the room is clean?“

Irritation overwhelming him already, Jungwoo asked a bit too loudly, „Well, it's clean. But what's this?“

Taeyong quickly inspected the rest of the room, when he found nothing, he came back, expression confused. „Maybe the person who lived here before you forgot some things?“

„But why would no one have thrown these away? Didn’t they-“ Jungwoo noticed his friend's suddenly terrified expression. „Taeyong?“

„Guys!“ Doyoung's voice came from the bathroom. „There's a toothbrush here? And toothpaste?“

„Oh my god, this place is haunted by ghosts,“ Taeyong whispered breathlessly, nearly crashing into Doyoung as he and Jungwoo ran into the bathroom.

„Ghosts don't brush their teeth, idiot,“ Doyoung frowned, giving their visibly distraught older friend a look that said many things, but none of them were kind. 

„Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had a PhD in ghost studies,“ Taeyong scoffed.

Jungwoo looked around the room, not really knowing what he was searching for. „Can both of you stop for a moment. This is really creepy.“

„Do you have the letter with you? The one with the dorm info?“ Doyoung asked him.

Jungwoo nodded and went back to his bed, where he had put his backpack, to pull out a crumbled sheet of paper. He handed it to Doyoung, who glanced over it.

„I'll go call whoever is responsible. Don't freak out.“

„If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?“ Taeyong began, mischievously looking at his friends.

_Don't._

„Ghostbusters!“

_Of course._

„Shut up **,**  Taeyong,“ both Jungwoo and Doyoung groaned simultaneously.

Doyoung left, leaving a terrified looking Taeyong and an equally confused Jungwoo standing in the middle of the room.

„Don't be scared, Jungwoo. I'll protect you,“ Taeyong said, sitting down on Jungwoo's new bed. He pulled one of the backpacks into his lap and began taking the things inside out.

„Didn’t you cry during The Ring?“

As his friend started vehemently denying the accusation, an honest smile was forming on Jungwoo's face again, at last.  _It's gonna be fine,_ he told himself.

The two started unpacking, music from Taeyong's phone playing in the background, while they were talking about everything and nothing, slowly creating an organized mess.

Soon Doyoung came back, his phone and the letter still in his hands. Both his friends looked up at him, expectant. 

„Well, she said there's been no mistake. The room is yours. It's weird that there is random stuff,“ the bunny like boy sat down on the floor between a pile of clothes and a pile of books. „She said, she'll send someone to take care of it on Monday. Since it's Saturday only emergencies will be taken care of or something.“

„Ghosts are emergencies,“ Taeyong mumbled.

„ _Logically_  speaking,“ here Doyoung side eyed the oldest, „it's probably stuff left behind by someone. Put it all in a bag and hand it over to whoever comes on Monday?“

„Ew, I won't touch anything left behind by God knows who,“ Jungwoo protested.

„Jungwoo would be the last to die in a horror movie,“ Taeyong said proudly, earning another glare from his raven-haired friend.

„Let's get all your stuff here first,“ Doyoung suggested, pressing his palms together, knowing too well that trying to reason with his friends in moments like these was useless.

Only then Jungwoo remembered the other boxes in their old flat, waiting to be carried all the way to his new room.

 Taeyong was at the door first. “Can we get something to eat before? I'm starving.“

„Ramen, please. Jungwoo's paying,“ Doyoung declared, hopping next to Taeyong and Jungwoo.

 

* * *

 

 

Jungwoo had spent the whole Saturday with his friends, moving stuff, carrying enough heavy boxes to probably permanently damage his back and eating more fast food than his body could take. They had moved all of his and Doyoung's things into their respective rooms. His best friend was now rooming with Yuta, another mutual friend.

„It's fine. We gonna get along just  _fine_ ,“ Doyoung had said during lunch, sounding everything but convinced. „He's a bit... loud, but it'll be fine.“ 

Jungwoo had never heard him say 'fine' that often in one conversation before.

Now, at nearly 9pm Jungwoo was heading home again, having rejected his friends’ suggestion to watch One Piece at Jaehyun's. All he wanted was a quiet night, decorating his room and then listening to his favorite playlist till he fell asleep.

Hands in the font pocket of his hoodie, he walked upstairs, still getting used to passing through the unfamiliar hallways. Even as he opened the door to his new home he felt nothing but unfamiliarity.

Playing music, changing into PJs andeating sour gummy worms on his bed took some of the oddness from his new environment, but it still didn’t feel like ‘home’ yet. The line between enjoying solitude and suffering from loneliness was always a thin one. Surely, he'd gradually get used to this too and he’d feel less alone living on his own.

_Where can I put the One Direction Poster?_  Right above his bed again? Maybe across it, so he could see it first thing in the morning?

A strange sound interrupted his train of thought. He pulled out his earphones, body tense.  _What was that? Please don't let it be a robber. Oh my god._

Someone was standing in front of the door, but the person wasn't knocking. 

_Was that person... opening the door... with a key?_

Jungwoo opened his mouth to scream, when he realized the tall figure in front of him wasn't Slender Man, but someone he knew.

Lucas had opened the door, one hand still on the doorknob. „What?“ he yelped, nothing but fear and shock on his face.

He was wearing a black sweater combined with blue jeans and was holding his huge backpack in one hand. Obviously, he had been about to walk in, yet he had stopped in the middle of the motion.

_He had wanted to walk in? He didn't expect me here?_

„What?“ Jungwoo replied, eyes wide. His white sweats, Justin Bieber Purpose concert tee and disheveled hair made him want to faint right on the spot.

„What,“ Lucas repeated, face now turning pale. He looked like he was about to vomit.

_He just opened the door with a key._

Jungwoo stared at him. An infinite moment passed in which their gazes were locked.

Lucas moved again, not breaking the eye contact. He took a step back, stepped back into the hallway. He closed the door behind him. The door stayed closed. He was gone.

Silence.

Like sudden thunder his voice filled the space again. Jungwoo could hear him curse through the thin walls. Lucas was standing in the hallway, using every swear word Jungwoo had ever heard in his life. He didn't move from his bed. He was waiting for answers. Answers, which his mind alone couldn’t offer. 

Silence again.

Lucas had stopped going through whatever fit he was experiencing. Jungwoo hadn’t moved. One hand was holding the pulled out right earphone, 'All in it' still playing, while his other hand was clutching his phone. On the black screen was the confusion shown in his exhausted face reflected. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. Taeyong singing the Ghostbusters song entered his mind. Maybe the scariest ghosts were alive and named Lucas. 

Again the key was being shoved into the keyhole. The door opened and a frantic Lucas walked in once more.

„Oh my god. I can't believe this is happening.“ he said, large hand in front of his mouth, illustrating his surprise. 

_Me neither_.

„Can I come in?“ Lucas looked lost, sort of helpless. Like a deer caught in the headlights.

„You're already inside,“ Jungwoo said, not knowing whether he should laugh or scream.

„Let me,“ the other took a deep breath, „explain.“

Still in shock, Jungwoo did nothing but take out his other earphone and throwing his phone on the bed. He watched the brown-haired boy sit down on the floor in the middle of the room, right where Doyoung had been sitting that morning.

„Let me just...“ the tall boy hesitated, voice shaking, „... talk. I'll try to explain.“

„You just walked into my room? With a key? Which you shouldn't own, because this is  _my_  room?“ Jungwoo's voice sounded too high-pitched, too breathless. Realization slowly hit him, resembling an excruciatingly slow punch to the stomach.

„Promise me, you won't tell anyone,“ Lucas whined, close to tears.

„I don't know?“ Jungwoo responded honestly, somehow angry at the boy's words. „You just walked into my room and now you're demanding secrecy. I don't know what you're gonna say, so?“

The boy on the floor gaped at him, dark brown eyes glassy, tan skin too pale. He exhaled audibly. „You're right. I'll explain. Just don't interrupt. I need you to hear the whole thing before you do anything. Say anything.“

Jungwoo nodded once, expression stern.

„I've been living here the past month. In this room. Remember when Johnny was the RA? I told him about something that had happened. Something really bad and I was more or less homeless. So, he...“ Lucas hesitated once again, contemplating his choice of words for much too long, „Hebasicallystolemethekeyforaroomandwethoughtnoonewouldevernoticebecausethisbuildingwasmostlyemptyanyway.“ He didn't breathe while he spoke, all words turned into one giant cluster of phonetic elements. 

„Repeat that please?“ Jungwoo looked at him, dumbfounded.

„Johnny. Stole. Me. A. Key.“ The dim light of the lamp was reflected in Lucas eyes, his long eyelashes throwing shadows on his cheeks. „I've been living here for a month. Please don't tell anyone.“

Jungwoo stared at him, deer eyes wide opened. „You're kidding me, right?“

Lucas shook his head.

„That's illegal.“ Jungwoo stated, not processing the just heard information well.

Lucas nodded nonchalantly. „Yeah.“

„You've been living in this room. Illegally. All the stuff in the closet was yours?“

„Guess, you've found my things.“ Lucas smiled, but Jungwoo could tell there was nothing sincere about it.

„Johnny stole a key for you? Why?“

„So… I wouldn't be homeless,“ he pressed the words out reluctantly, like every syllable spoken caused him physical pain.

„This sounds so… made up,“ Jungwoo said skeptical.

A dry chuckle was the response. „I wish it was made up.“

„Let me repeat. Johnny Seo stole you a key, even though he knew he was breaking the law. He did that. Then you lived in this,“ he gestured around wildly, „place, for a whole month and no one noticed?“

Lucas shook his head. „No one noticed.”

Watching him sitting on the floor cross-legged, huge eyes helpless, Jungwoo couldn't help but pity him.

„Wait. No, no, no. Why did you just tell me all of this? I'm one of you now. Oh my god, I'm a criminal. Fuck, we'll all end up in jail.“ With every word leaving his mouth, the panic in him grew.

Lucas clearly couldn't comprehend what Jungwoo was saying, his eyes were asking for an explanation.

„You really think they aren't gonna notice?“ Jungwoo cried out.

„Well, you're living here now. So, they haven't,“ Lucas shrugged, still not getting it. 

Breathing heavily, Jungwoo fumed, „You broke the law. You stole the second key. They gonna notice it's gone.“

„They haven't yet. And given that you're living here now, no one is gonna suspect anything. If they had checked properly, they'd have noticed already.“

Jungwoo's thoughts traveled to the guy, who gave them their keys that morning.  _Did he not check? What if he really simply had forgotten to do that? What if someone ends up noticing?_  

„This just… sounds so fake. Is this a prank?“ Disbelief was written all over Jungwoo's face. It sounded too bizarre.  _Fabricated. Something you'd imagine seeing in movies, but not real life._

„It's not a prank,“ Lucas asserted, his eyes unceasingly fixed on Jungwoo. 

„Okay, but what was your plan? Live here till you graduate?“ the older's voice carried a mocking tone, incredulity interwoven with ridicule.

Lucas shrugged.  _Again_. „I had no plan. Still don't have one.“

It took summoning all patience Jungwoo possessed for him not to scream. “Listen, Lucas. I have no idea what's wrong with you or what’s happening in your life. To be honest, I really don't wanna be part of any of this. What you did was against the law.” His voice was shaky, weak. „It's fine. I won't tell anyone. I'll pretend I know nothing. Now, please, and I really don't mean to be rude, just take your stuff and leave. Doyoung put it all in that plastic bag there,“ Jungwoo pointed towards a black one, filled to the rim. „Just take it and go. And all this never happened. Okay?“

„You're... throwing me out?“ Lucas whined, facial expression worthy of a puppy left all alone.

„What?“ Jungwoo couldn't believe his ears. „What did you expect?“

Lucas shrugged.  _Fucking again._

„Move back in with your parents maybe? They financed the whole library, I'm pretty sure they can afford a dorm room.“ 

_Why is this my problem? I don't even really know you._ Jungwoo just wanted all of this to be over and Lucas to be out of his room.

„They threw me out,“ Lucas laughed bitterly, awkwardly playing with his earphones, which he had pulled out of his pocket moments before. He had stopped looking at Jungwoo, focused now on untangling his earphones.

„Oh,“ the older gasped, but then, after collecting himself, trying not to sound too overwhelmed, thought of something else. „Move in with Kun?“

„He'd ask why they've thrown me out. And I can't tell anyone.“

Still no eye contact.

„But you told Johnny?“ Jungwoo didn't want to sound suspicious, but the words left his lips on their own.

„He was my only hope.“ Something caused the boy's voice to sound broken. Fragile. Something Jungwoo didn't want to learn about.

„You can't stay here, Lucas. We barely know each other.“  _And I don't even like you._

Hurt pride flashed through the boy's eyes, countenance gaining strength that hadn't been there before. „Dude, calm down. I'm not asking you for shelter.“

„Then what exactly are you doing right now?“ Jungwoo asked impatiently.

Hesitation. „Trying to think straight.“

Uncomfortable quietness embraced the two, air thick with uneasiness.

„Would you tell me?“ Jungwoo inquired, curiosity triumphing over his resolution to not get involved.

„What?“ 

„Why your parents kicked you out?“

„I thought you don't wanna be part of my drama?“ The way he spoke made Jungwoo feel stabbed. Unspoken accusations filled the empty space between them.

Jungwoo tried to sound casual, „I don't know, maybe you wanna talk.”

Lucas avoided his eyes again. „You're gonna… judge me…“

The words came without a moment of hesitation. „I won't.“ 

„Promise?“

Jungwoo reconsidered. „Did you kill someone?“

A bitter laugh. „No.“

„Did you do something against the law?“

Hesitation. „Well, maybe, but that's got nothing to do with this-“ Lucas rambled.

„I promise.“ Jungwoo stated. He was too nervous, too scared.

Lucas stopped moving, gaze fixed on Jungwoo's Snoopy plushie. „Well. My dad found a pic of me with another boy.“

„So?“ Jungwoo raised his eyebrows.

Awkward pause. Eyes avoiding each other. „We were... uh... kissing.“

Slowly, very slowly Jungwoo understood. „You're gay?“

Lucas shrugged for what felt like the hundredth time tonight. „I don't know.“

„Are you...like... in denial?“ Jungwoo asked carefully.

„No, I just don't know if I'm gay. I never had any feelings for a boy except... him.“

It was strange hearing the usually loud boy talk so quietly, watching him choose every word with utmost care.

„Uh, you do know you don't have to be either straight or gay? It's not black and white-“ 

The desperate, tired look on Lucas' face stopped Jungwoo from talking on.  _Bad timing._

„And then?“

„My dad asked me, if I was in love with him. I told him we weren't in a relationship anymore. But I had been in love, yes. Then he told me to pack my stuff and get out. To come back once I was over this 'phase'.“ Lucas made quotation marks with his fingers when he said phase.

„Phase,“ Jungwoo groaned, „God.“

Compassion for the giant sitting on the floor was at last replacing the desire to kick him out.

„Where have you been eating? Getting money?“ He pointed at the black plastic bag. „That's not everything you own, is it?“

„I've been going back home every time my dad's been on a business trip. My mom doesn't really support me, but she doesn't think what my dad is doing is right either. She's been messaging me whenever he leaves,” Lucas smiled, vulnerability was drawn all over his face. „ Well, I go home take what I need and leave again. She's been giving me cash too. Since they took all my cards, of course.“

„Fuck.“

„Yeah.“

Jungwoo was overwhelmed and had no clue what to say or to do. _This has to end now._

„Can you find somewhere else to stay tonight? Please. I'm really sorry for you. You're in a horrible mess right now and you don’t deserve this. Honestly, no one does. Ever. But, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here.“

It wasn't his intention to sound like a heartless asshole, but he knew that that was exactly what he must have sounded like to the other boy.

But Lucas couldn't stay overnight. After all, they barely knew each other and they weren't even on good terms. 

Lucas pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Sure, I'll ask around.“

For at least five minutes both were silent. Lucas was typing, occasionally looking up to Jungwoo, as if to reassure himself that he was still there. And Jungwoo just stared at the floor next to Lucas. 

„Kun is at his parents, Johnny isn't answering and Sicheng said no.“ He sounded defeated.

„Ask someone else?“ Jungwoo suggested, voice panicky.

Lucas smiled at him with a smile that never reached his eyes and got up. 

„You know, I really don't wanna bother you anymore. I really should go.“

Jungwoo awkwardly looked up to him from his bed, unsure of what to do. The sudden change in expression left him perplexed.

„Thank you for listening to my sob story. Please don't tell anyone. We'll see each other again in class, I guess.“

With that Lucas turned around to leave, having grabbed the black plastic bag and his backpack already. Yet, he turned around one more time, facing Jungwoo. “I wanted to apologize. For what happened at the party. I'm clumsy and I should've been more careful. I ruined your night,“ a pause, „Sorry. I wanted to apologize next time we were alone but...“ he shrugged and the corners of his lips lifted again, forming a grimace not a smile. “Anyways, I'm sorry. I hope you're not too mad at me. Goodnight.“

He left. Just like that.

„Goodnight,“ Jungwoo replied, but he was already alone again.

_What the fuck did just happen?_

Once alone, his thoughts ran wild and he began to process. He had just kicked out a basically homeless boy. What was wrong with him?

„Wait! Geez, I can't just let you go like that,“ he said loudly, running to the door. He stepped into the hallway, his face crashing right into Lucas' back.

„Wow, uh. I was looking for you,“ he grinned awkwardly, tapping the taller boy on the shoulder, wordlessly asking him to turn around. He did turn around, showing Jungwoo a sight he hadn't expected at all.

„Oh my god, are you crying? Stop, oh my god. Come inside!“

Soundlessly Lucas wiped his still running tears, submissively following the shorter one back inside. Jungwoo asked him to sit on the bed and Lucas did as told, tossing the things he was carrying on the floor. 

„Drink this,“ Jungwoo reached him a bottle of orange juice. „And eat this,“ he threw a cereal bar at him. Some tissues followed shortly after.

„You can stay the night. I have like ten extra blankets. You can sleep on the floor.“ Jungwoo was still standing, hands fidgeting nervously.

„Are you sure,“ Lucas questioned, astonishment lingering in his deep voice.

_I have no idea what I'm doing._ „Of course.“ 

„Thank you.“ He sounded sincerely grateful. It made Jungwoo feel even more guilty.

„Uh... I was about to sleep, before all this... happened. I think, I'll just... Can I just, uh, sleep and you, uh, do whatever you usually do in your, uh, my room -“ The smaller one was stuttering, uneasiness written on his face.

Lucas smiled grateful, „Sure.“

Jungwoo's heart was at ease when he saw the brown eyes sparkle. Natural order was restored. 

„Okay,“ Jungwoo mumbled to himself, stumbling into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. Inside the bathroom he looked into the mirror and held back from screaming. His bangs were down, his face puffy and flushed. He looked twelve and sad. This was his first time having a guy over that wasn't his best friend and he looked like  _that_. 

'Wait, what the hell am I even thinking about,' he thought to himself, blushing even more.

He spent an eternity brushing his teeth. Scarlet cheeks, eyes wide and his movements clumsy as always, he stumbled out of the bathroom to be greeted by a bunch of blankets formed into a mattress. And Lucas was lying on top of the self-made mattress, underneath a blanket, phone in his hand, playing a game.

Without looking at him for too long Jungwoo jumped into his bed. Once he was hiding underneath the blanket, he spoke, “I don't think I need to tell you where everything is. I mean you've been living here longer than...,“ awkward pause, „Just turn off the lights once you're ready to sleep, okay?“

Lucas nodded eagerly. 

„Goodnight, Lucas.“

A wide grin spread across Lucas’ face. Jungwoo couldn't help but ask. „What now?“

Lucas grinned even wider.  _Soon he's gonna look like the Joker._

„You've just said my name for the first time.“

Jungwoo burst out laughing. „I'm pretty sure, I've said your name before.“

„This is the first time it didn't sound like a curse, though,“ Lucas claimed, still smiling.

„Shut up,“ Jungwoo said, but he didn't mean it. And he certainly didn't mean to blush for no reason at all. 

Jungwoo pretended to be asleep. Lucas continued playing on his phone for a while, before turning off the lights and silently brushing his teeth and going to bed too. What felt like an hour passed, yet Jungwoo was restless. He was wide awake. 

He had had many plans for the night, but this hadn’t been one of them. He still felt like someone was going to enter the room at any moment, shouting that it was all just a prank.

„Are you awake?“ Jungwoo whispered into the darkness.

„Yes,” came the instant response.

„Why?“

„I don't know. You?“ The deep, sleepy voice asked back. 

Jungwoo turned around to face him but could only barely make out his shape in the darkness. „I don't know.“

 

Pause. A long silence. The absence of sound made Jungwoo wonder if Lucas had fallen asleep after all. 

 

„You hate me, don't you?“ Lucas whispered, out of nowhere.

„I don't.“  _It's not your fault._

„I've seen you talk with Kun and you're so different. You're a whole different person around him.“ 

Jungwoo had never considered Lucas a very observant person. Bewildered he asked him, “Am I?“

„Yeah. Wait.“ Even in the darkness Jungwoo could make out that Lucas was sitting up. “Oh my god. You like him. You like him, don't you?“

„What? Did he say that? Did he tell you something?“ He couldn't conceal the alarm in his voice, the concern.

Lucas turned the lights on again. He looked at Jungwoo, eyes glued on the older boy's face. Jungwoo stared back, cheeks scarlet.

Lucas bed hair was composed of a fluffy mess on top of his head that Jungwoo couldn't stop staring at. In any other situation, he would have laughed. Right now, his mouth was completely dry.

„You're so obviously into him,“ Lucas smirked.

Jungwoo hid behind his blanket. „Shut up.“

Lucas sat down on his 'bed', wearing the expression of one who's thinking hard about something.

In a moment of stupidity, which Jungwoo would later probably (definitely) come to regret, he said, „I'll ask you for something now. Something you can say no to if you want, of course.“

Lucas was biting his lower lip. Jungwoo carefully avoided his eyes.

„I'm listening,“ Lucas stated. 

„Would you help me with Kun?“ 

„Would you let me live here?“ came the immediate response.

„What?“ Jungwoo stared at the grinning boy.

„What?“ Lucas smirked. 

The older scoffed perplexed, „You're so manipulative.“

Lucas laughed, playing with the brown blanket in his hands. „No, I'm making an offer. A deal.“

„A deal?“ Jungwoo raised one eyebrow.

„Let me live here and I’ll get Kun to like you.“

The confidence in Lucas’ voice made the older laugh involuntarily.

„You've clearly watched too many teenage movies, Lucas.“

„Is that a no?“

Jungwoo shook his head, puzzlement on his face. „That's a 'this isn't Mean Girls or 10 things I hate about you'? All of this, your whole situation, it’s too serious to be joked-“

Lucas interrupted him, „Yes or no?“

„You gonna... make him fall for me? God, that sounds so cringey. This is stupid, isn’t it?“ Jungwoo was saying that, yet the sparkle of hope in his chest betrayed him.

Lucas nodded, biting his lips again. „I'll make you meet 'coincidentally'. I'll tell him nice stuff about you. Like a wingman, but large scale.“ Comparable to an excited child he beamed at the other, waiting for praise.

„And in return? What exactly do you expect from me?“ Jungwoo wanted to know, still on guard. 

„These blankets and this spot on the floor till I figure out where to stay.“

Jungwoo thought about it. „A few days at most?“

„Less,“ Lucas said.

„Okay.“  _Doyoung is going to kill me._

„Seriously?“ Lucas asked taken aback.

Disappointment ran through Jungwoo. „What. Were you only kidding?“

„No, but I thought you'd laugh at me and that was it,“ the other confessed. „You must like Kun a lot.“

„Shut up,“ Jungwoo mumbled.

„So? I help you with Kun and you let me live here. Deal?“ Lucas reached out his arm, wanting to shake hands on it.

Jungwoo grabbed his hand. „Deal.“

Jungwoo could still feel the lingering sensation of Lucas' skin on his own after he had let go.  _What did I just agree to? Why does this feel like I just made a deal with the devil? Maybe a Faustian pact?_

„I'm excited,“ Lucas grinned, yawning.

Jungwoo rolled around, facing the empty wall. „No, you just need sleep.“ He yawned quietly, „Goodnight, Lucas.“

„Goodnight, Snoopy,“ his deep voice replied. 

„What?“ Startled, Jungwoo turned around in an instant, looking at the standing boy, who was about to turn off the lights again. Confused by Jungwoo's reaction, Lucas hesitated before speaking. „You look like him. I noticed when you were hugging your plushie.“

„My mom calls me that,“ Jungwoo explained, heartbeat slowing down.

„Snoopy?“ Lucas turned off the lights.

He nodded. It felt weird hearing him say his nickname. Like something that shouldn't fit, shouldn't sound well, but still somehow had its own harmony.

„It's cute,“ Lucas said quietly.

Jungwoo pretended he didn't hear, pretended to have fallen asleep. In the darkness his blushing cheeks were his secret alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if ur still actually reading ilu  
> now, it's really starting lol consider everything up to this point intro :)))  
> @baekboo srsly thank you for reading my shitty first drafts bb <3  
> @ everyone commenting / messaging me .. u guys are actual angels? like u make me wanna continue uwu thank u a lot, it means the world to me ;; <3


	5. Chapter 5

Jungwoo didn't sleep well all night. He woke up multiple times, felt like someone was watching him, even though he knew it was impossible for anyone to see anything in the darkness of the room. Sleep didn't come easily at all. He kept going through the events from the night before. Had he done the right thing? He had said some pretty harsh things. Lately, he hadn’t been feeling like himself, especially when Lucas was around. He had started contemplating his every word, got hyperaware of his behavior and ended up sounding awkward and even mean. He knew he could've been kinder, especially considering Lucas' circumstances.  _I'm so stupid, honestly._

Jungwoo rolled around in his bed, changed his position countless times, threw his pillow on the floor when frustration reached its peak (fortunately without hitting Lucas), then ended up searching his pillow (a 5-minute challenge, consisting of him trying to get his pillow back without making a sound), till he finally fell asleep, right when the first rays of sunlight sneaked through the window.

What surely wasn't calming at all, was Jungwoo waking up to exactly what he had feared during the night: Lucas, cross-leggedly sitting on the lazily made 'bed' on the floor, eyes glued on Jungwoo's face.

Seeing Lucas' face first thing in the morning nearly caused Jungwoo to suffer a stroke.

„Oh my god? Why are you staring at me?“ The older asked, turning around quickly, facing the wall. He didn't even want to picture what his puffy morning face looked like. His face was flushed, scarlet tinted cheeks revealing too much of what he'd like to keep hidden. 

Lucas raspy voice, much deeper than usual, gently said, „You said something? Don't know.“

„You scared me.“ Jungwoo wasn't exaggerating, he could feel his heart beating as if its only aim was to break out of its cage. Surprise over the intensity of Lucas' gaze contributed largely to the shock.

„I thought you were talking to me. You mumbled something,“ Lucas tried to explain, but he sounded too tired to put his usual energy into his words.

Jungwoo rolled over, looking at the other with a sigh.  _What a great way to start the morning._

Lucas could hardly lift his weary head. Half-opened eyes were glancing sleepily at Jungwoo. Jungwoo didn't remember him wearing a grey shirt when he'd gone to bed. Sometime during the night he must have taken off his sweater. Tousled bed hair and sleepy eyes, plump lips and loose shirt; Lucas looked annoyingly good for someone who had just woken up.

Jungwoo avoided thinking about his own face and pulled the blanket up to his chin.

„How long have you been up?“ his muffled voice asked.

„A few minutes. You woke me up, man. I thought you were talking to me.“ Lucas reached for his phone, which was hidden beneath the blanket.

„I don't talk in my sleep, though,“ Jungwoo said, genuinely surprised.

He allowed himself to steal a long glance at Lucas, whose fingers were flying quickly over the screen of his phone, typing in something that must be long enough to be considered an essay. 

Dark under eye circles were drawn on the boy's face. Yet, even in a  _just-woke-up_  state, Jungwoo couldn't deny that he understood why people found themselves attracted to Lucas. His features were perfectly crafted: big, round eyes, full lips and a high, handsome nose.

Somehow Jungwoo felt a deep desire to hit him in the face with a pillow. 

Sharing a room overnight with someone for the very first time always felt quite odd to Jungwoo. Sleep was accompanied by vulnerability, a display of one’s self while unconscious. It felt intimate. But there was something even odder about seeing someone right after they woke up, just as they were, having spent no time in front of their reflection, fixing whatever they thought needed fixing. Maybe it was only Jungwoo who felt that way. Maybe it was only him who thought shared early mornings so fascinating. The attraction to this certain feeling of strangeness, however, was how the boy justified that he couldn't stop looking at Lucas. Lucas, on the other hand, was still typing, mindless of his surroundings.

When the boy caught Jungwoo's gaze, he smiled at him playfully. „Did you sleep well?“ He tossed his phone on the bed.

Jungwoo shook his head, his soft voice mumbling, „Not really.“

„Why?“

„New room and, please don't get me wrong, a stranger sleeping a meter away from me.“

Lucas snickered, „By which definition am I a ‘stranger’? We've talked like a dozen times?“

_Because I kinda of want you to be a stranger._

“Did you sleep well?“ Jungwoo asked back.

„No,“ the taller one replied, the corners of his mouth curled up slightly, huge hands sleepily rubbing his eyes.

_Of course he didn't._ “Why?“ Jungwoo asked, already knowing the answer.

Lucas only raised his eyebrows in response, reminding him of all that was said last night.

Again, Jungwoo smiled softly, „Okay. You win.“

Lucas got up, recklessly kicking the blanket away and opened the window. Sunlight and fresh air flooded the room, the quiet serenity of a lazy Sunday morning its company.

Jungwoo pulled the blanket up a bit more to cover half his face. Part of him wanted to go back to sleep, the other reprimanded him for his lethargy.

„Can I go shower first?“ Lucas asked from across the room, one hand in the plastic bag, presumably looking for a towel.

„Shower?“ Jungwoo sounded bewildered.

„Do you... not shower?“ Lucas sounded just as confused, despite a smile consistently hiding in the corners of his mouth.

Quiet voice stuttering, Jungwoo thought of something to say that wasn't weird. „No. Yes. I didn't think you'd wanna...“

„Uh, does it bother you?“ the other interrupted him, concern written on his face.

„No, of course not. I mean you basically lived here longer than me. Go ahead.“ 

On the inside he congratulated himself for sounding natural, even though his voice was quieter and more high-pitched than usual. 

Lucas grinned, pulling out a towel. „Okay, cool.“

„Cool,“ Jungwoo repeated to himself.

The taller boy then proceeded to take off his belt and threw it on the ground. Jungwoo realized what Lucas was about to do when his fingers grabbed the fabric of his shirt.

The sound that escaped Jungwoo’s mouth was a hybrid of a shriek and a cry high enough to put every whale to shame. 

Startled, Lucas dropped the fabric of his shirt and his towel, spun around, as if expecting some sort of monster in the room. He looked around yet couldn't find anything.

„Why are you undressing here?“ Jungwoo said, dumbfounded.

Lucas looked at him, dazed, „Huh?“

„Do that in the shower. Please?” 

_Get your abs out of my sight._

„Do shirtless people... bother you?“ Lucas asked with a serious face.

Jungwoo couldn't help but laugh. „No, I just... I don't know. I need time to get used to all of this.“

The other shrugged in response, visibly amused. Then, all of a sudden, he looked at Jungwoo, baffled. “Wait, Jungwoo,“ Lucas spoke, aghast expression, „So we're not gonna shower together?“

Jungwoo's pillow hit him faster than the usual smug smirk could form on his lips. He leaped into the bathroom, leaving a cringing Jungwoo on his own.

As soon as he heard the water running, Jungwoo grabbed his phone from his nightstand (which had fully charged overnight, one of the simple joys in life) and messaged his best friend.

@Doyoung 9:23am  **Doyoung... Something happened ><**

@Jungwoo 9:26am  **???**

@Doyoung 9:27am  **I'll tell you later ~**

@Jungwoo 9:28am  **Jungwoo??????**

@Doyoung 9:29am  **I have to tell you in person ~.~**

@Jungwoo 9:29am  **I'll be over in 10**

@Doyoung 9:30am  **No \\_ >.<_/**

@Jungwoo 9:30am  **what..**

@Doyoung 9:31am  **we'll meet at Tai's in an hour?** **♡**

@Jungwoo 9:31am  **okay @.@** **♡**

„Jungwoo? I'm sorry, but I forgot my clothes,” Lucas voice came from the bathroom, „And I dropped these… They are wet? Anyway, I'll just get them? If that’s okay? I'm not naked, I swear.“

_Be casual. Be casual._

„Sure,” Jungwoo said with a suffocating voice. The door opened and Lucas walked into the room, hair wet and a black towel around his waist.

_Don't look at him, don't look at him. Oh, no. Damn. He has a fucking six pack. Of course. Oh. My. God. Why are his shoulders so broad? What the ... . Is that water running down his spine? He looks like a freaking Calvin Klein model? This must be a joke. Stop looking -_

„Uh, are you okay?“ Lucas questioned, standing with his back to Jungwoo, only his face was turned towards him. 

„Y...Yes,“ the older mumbled, trying very hard to control his face and pretend he hadn't looked up from his phone since Lucas had left the bathroom. The image of the dangerously low hanging towel left his mouth dry and his eyes glassy. He looked, once again, like he had just seen a ghost. Or in his case, a demon, named Lucas. 

„You sure?“

Jungwoo nodded with too much force. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lucas taking clothes out of his backpack.  _Don't look at him. Don't._

He managed to stare at his Snoopy phone background till he was alone again. „God,“ he mumbled to himself, „Why is this happening to me.“ He heard water running again, this time it came from the sink in the bathroom.

@Taeil 9:34am  **can you take me to the gym again? please :3**

@Jungwoo 9:36am  **sure :D but how come?**

@Taeil 9:37am  **just for fun >.>**

The water stopped running. Silence. The sound of a key turning in a lock.

„So, what are your plans for today?“ Lucas had changed into a brown shirt and blue jeans. 

_How can his voice alone fill the entire room?_

„I'll meet Doyoung soon. Eat something. Then we'll probably do homework.“

Jungwoo's gaze followed Lucas, as he sat down on the only chair in the room. „Nothing special,“ he added.

As he spoke, he remembered the bag filled with posters, movie and anime merchandise, which he hadn't yet unpacked. He definitely wouldn't do that as long as Lucas was around. No need for him to see his  _Konoha_   _Hokage_  figurine collection.

„Do you need a hair dryer?“

Water was dripping down Lucas' hair, creating little dark spots on the fabric of his shirt.

„I'm good, thanks man.“

Still wearing his Justin Bieber shirt, Jungwoo felt horribly underdressed. He hadn't even left his bed yet and Lucas was already fully dressed and looking ...  _good_.

„You know, I really wouldn't have thought you were into Kun,“ Lucas burst out.

„What do you mean?“ Jungwoo responded perplexed, not sure what to do what that information.

„I thought you and Doyoung had something going,“ the younger boy admitted, fingertips tapping on random objects on Jungwoo's desk. 

Jungwoo rolled his eyes.  _This again._  “He's my best friend.“

„Isn't that how it always starts?“

A frustrated groan, „You've clearly watched way too many teenage romance movies.“

„But you guys are practically glued together,“ Lucas raised his eyebrows doubtingly, „I saw him order your food for you at the canteen. Multiple times.“

Jungwoo was rendered speechless. „You're a stalker.“

_When had that happened. Wasn't that like two weeks ago? And more importantly, how had he noticed that? Had Kun seen it too?_

„I don't know, I'm just saying the two of you give off some serious 'one of us in love with the other, but we're both too shy to figure things out' vibes.“ 

The way Lucas spoke irritated Jungwoo. Why did he keep saying those things? And why did he state them as facts, when they were nothing but stupid clichés, his imagination obviously running wild.

„There's absolutely nothing going on between me and him. Please stop saying that. Don't just assume things. I've told you like 10 times at least, me and Doyoung aren't dating.“

„Good,“ Lucas smiled good-naturedly. 

„'Good'?“ Jungwoo repeated slowly. 

„Well, then there's nothing standing between you and Kun kind of 'good',“ was the cheerful reply.

„Okay.“

_Did this conversation just turn really awkward or is feeling awkward just my default state of being?_   Jungwoo wasn't sure.

Lucas, on the other hand, gave him a wide smile, casually got up and determinedly walked to the door. He only stopped when Jungwoo asked him, „Uh... Where are you going?“

„Gym. Sicheng's after.“

„And when will you be back?“

A grin formed on Lucas plump lips. „I don't know,  _mom_. I usually don't spend much time here.“

„So, when can I expect you back?“ Jungwoo didn't mean to sound like a nagging parent, but he needed to know when to avoid being home.

Lucas made a thinking face, eyebrows furrowed. „Probably before midnight?“

„That's way too late,“ the older one declared, thinking of his 8am class. He needed to get up early tomorrow.

The grin on Lucas lips had widened, „Aw. Are you worried now?“

Jungwoo looked at him, slightly confused. „Yeah? Worried that I won't get enough sleep tonight.“

Lucas grabbed his bag and his phone and turned to leave, „I'll try to be back by nine.“ 

„Lucas. Wait.“

Their eyes locked.

„Don't forget to talk to Kun,“ Jungwoo said. He hesitated a moment, then added, „Remember the deal?“

„Of course,“ Lucas replied, brown eyes sparkling, „Bye, Snoopy.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you lots to everyone leaving comments / sending me messages. It's your guys words & encouragement that keep me writing tbh ♡  
> ALSO, one day, in a far away future, once I'm done with this story, I definitely wanna write this chapter again from Lucas' POV :))))


	6. Chapter 6

„So,“ Doyoung took a deep breath, „You're telling me Lucas slept over?“

Jungwoo nodded nervously, fingers playing with the straw. He hadn't yet touched his orange juice nor his muffin. A tiny part of him wished he could turn back time and take back his words. The look on Doyoung's face was frightening.

„And for some secret reason, because fuck this friendship and our vow to tell each other everything, he lives with you now. In a one-room-apartment,“ Doyoung's eyebrows were raised in disbelief. „You're kidding me, right?“ 

Jungwoo shook his head weakly. „I'm serious. But it's temporarily. A few days at most.“

„Whatever secret you two  _best friends forever_  have is important enough to let him live with you, despite claiming him your sworn enemy like 48 hours ago?“

„It's complicated.“

Doyoung scoffed. „It's complicated,“ he mimicked Jungwoo, „What are you? A Facebook status?“ He ate his donut in two bites and proceeded to cut his pancakes into small pieces.

Jungwoo didn't mean to upset him, but he should've known. Doyoung's protective instincts kicked in fast.

„It's ... really bad,“ Jungwoo started, but stopped when he realized he actually had no idea what to say.

„Say 'it's bad' one more time and I'll go talk to Lucas myself.“

Panic spread over Jungwoo's exhausted face, the lack of sleep clearly visible under his eyes. „You promised to keep quiet about this!“ 

Doyoung took a sip of his coffee, cleared his throat, “Yeah, I'll keep quiet. But if he's doing some illegal shit or putting you in danger-“

„No, nothing like that,“ Jungwoo interrupted him quickly. Doyoung stuffed his face with pancakes and gave him a sulky look. In the pink sweater he wore, he resembled a giant marshmallow, soft and adorable. Only his dark eyes carried murderous intentions.

„I'm sorry. You know I'd tell you if I could,“ Jungwoo said, trying to calm his friend. Not telling Doyoung what Lucas had told him was difficult. It felt wrong. But it wasn't his secret to share.

With a sigh Jungwoo looked around the coffee shop. It wasn't really crowded, considering it was Sunday morning, only a few families were sitting around the big tables. Children were whining and shouting, while parents desperately tried to explain that „No, getting two toys with the kids menu isn't possible!“ The smell of freshly brewed coffee and pastries straight out of the oven filled the air. Nonetheless, Jungwoo couldn't force himself to eat anything.

„Jungwoo. Is he blackmailing you?“ His friend put down the knife with which he had just moments ago gently stabbed his pancakes. Concern drawn over his face, he reached out to touch Jungwoo's arm in a consoling manner.

„What?“ Jungwoo replied, doubting his ears.

„You can tell me,“ Doyoung reassured him, „I promised you, I'll always be by your side. If he has any info about you... things he might use to manipulate you...“

„How many episodes of Gossip Girl did you watch last night?“

Baffled, Doyoung pulled his hand back. „I don't watch-“

„We share a Netflix account, you liar.“

„Wow, I'm stupid,“ he laughed, a hint of embarrassment in his voice. Swiftly, his facial expression turned into a deadpan stare. „Okay, but, in all seriousness now, I'm the Serena of this friendship, right?“

Fatigued, Jungwoo let his head fall onto his arms on the table. “I have no idea who that is, but I can promise you, we'd both be useless extras in the background, 'cause we're lame.“

Doyoung made a mocking grimace and took another sip of his coffee. “I don't know what to think about this whole Lucas situation.“

Jungwoo's muffled voice whined, „Tell me 'bout it.“

„And how was the whole sleepover thing? Was it awkward?“

„Doyoung,“ Jungwoo raised his head, defeated and distressed, „I saw him  _in only a towel_  this morning. And, I still don't like him, but he looked... alright. It was horrible.“

The bunny-like boy presented a grin, which made Jungwoo cringe. „Okay,“ his friend beamed, „What else?“

„Well, he doesn't snore, which is nice. We didn't really talk? He just fell asleep and this morning he left in a hurry.“

The older boy's eyes widened, „Why is he avoiding you?“

„He's avoiding me?“ Jungwoo said surprised. He finished his orange juice and took the straw out of the glass to play with it.

„Yeah? People talk. Have conversations, you know. He's staying at your place, but doesn't even really initiate a conversation? Considering he's one to talk nonstop? Weird.“

„Well, we did talk,“ Jungwoo thought out loud, „but mostly about the thing I can't talk about and...“ He went through last night’s events, before realizing Doyoung had a point. „You're right?“

„See!“ his friend exclaimed, a bit too happy about being right.

_'Shimmy, Shimmy, Kokobop-'_

„Wait a second,“ the raven-haired one mumbled as he looked for his ringing phone. Jungwoo stole a piece of pancake from the other's plate, but realized he still had no appetite, and dropped it.  _The power of habit._

„Hello? ... No, I don't wanna,“ Doyoung paused. „Nah, have fun the two of you.“ He furrowed his eyebrows, clearly annoyed, „Taeyong, I'm busy. ... I'm not lying.“ He was playing with the blueberries on his plate with a fork, hands keeping themselves anxiously busy, „Geez, I'm not avoiding you.“ Taeyong said something that made him pierce through one pitiful blueberry multiple times, leaving nothing but violet juice. „I'm with Jungwoo right now. ... Okay. I'll think about it.“ He hung up, put his phone back into his jeans' pocket. „Sorry.“ 

„You've been mad at Taeyong for quite a while now.“

„No,“ lied his friend.

Jungwoo cocked his head to the side. „I can tell.“ He didn’t want to push his friend into talking about something he wasn't willing to. Still, he had noticed the shadow which fell upon Doyoung's face everytime he talked with or about Taeyong. 

„I don’t wanna talk about it. Really.“ Doyoung pointed to the chocolate muffin infront of Jungwoo. „Are you gonna eat that?“

„You can have it,“ he pushed his plate towards him. „We should get going. Mark and Donghyuck are waiting in the library.“

„Donghyuck surely won't mind some alone time with Mark,“ Doyoung smirked, taking a huge bite from the muffin.

Sheepishly Jungwoo asked, “What do you mean?“

Again, Doyoung's eyes suggested much more than Jungwoo could comprehend. The raven-haired one finished the muffin and got up. He patted Jungwoo on the shoulder, “You're so cute sometimes.“

Puzzled, Jungwoo stood up, following him outside.

 

* * *

 

 

„No, you guys,“ Mark's mouth was formed into a straight line, his voices raised, „I'm just saying that I'd make a good rapper  _if_  I really wanted to.“

Tears of laughter rolled down Donghyuck's cheeks. The librarian threw them another angry look. The middle-aged woman had told them to be quiet ten times in the past thirty minutes and Jungwoo was just waiting for her to snap and throw them out. Doyoung, visibly embarrassed, kept  _shhh_ -ing Mark and Donghyuck, but he was met with ignorance.

„Dude, you can't rap? You're more of a Beyoncé than a Jay-Z. Also, you're way too cute?“ Donghyuck shook his head and hid his laughter behind a textbook, „You're a nerd. Accept it.“

„And you better accept that I won't ever help you with homework again, if you don't shut up right now,“ Doyoung said quietly, finger pointed at the equation he had asked Donghyuck to solve ten minutes ago.

Mark threw his pen on the table, a loud sound followed, earning him another deathly glare from the librarian. „So, I'm a loser?“

„Yes,“ Doyoung and Donghyuck replied simultaneously. 

„You've been working passionately on a  _Harry Potter in Wakanda_  fic the past month. I really don't see much of Drake in you. Ron, on the other hand-“ Mark punched Donghyuck's arm, furious expression. „I told you not to talk about that anymore.“ At this Donghyuck pulled an apologetic face, „Oops.“

Jungwoo watched Doyoung channel all his positive energy to not just get up and leave the boys in the library. They'd been here an hour and no one except Doyoung had written a word. 

„Listen, there are endless dimensions out there. There's probably one in which I'm a rapper and yall are my fans.“

„We're your fans?“ Jungwoo laughed quietly. The idea was too absurd.

Mark exhaled deeply as if the mere idea of any other dimension drained the life out of him. „I'd kill Donghyuck single-handedly, if we were in a band.“

At this everyone nodded in agreement.

„Now, please,“ Doyoung pleaded with Donghyuck, who had begun drawing on the worksheet placed in front of him, „Solve this.“

Lethargically, Jungwoo stared at the printed-out article in his hands. The  _JStor_  logo got blurry. He simply couldn't focus, his mind wandered off to Lucas. Would he be back tonight? What if all of it was nothing but a sick joke? What would that make him?  _The idiot._

„What's wrong?“ Doyoung whispered to him. 

„I'm just tired.“ The universal code for 'There's more to it'. 

„Yo, Lucas!“ Mark shouted across the hall.

Immediately, the lady carrying a bunch of books walked up to them, clearly upset. “I've had enough. All of you, get out now. This is a library not a playground.“

„I'm sorry!“ Doyoung said with innocent eyes, „He was just so excited about the ending of the book.“ He held up  _The picture of Dorian Gray,_  proving his words. She eyed all of them for a long moment. „This is the final warning!“ She left, still shaking her head in vexation.

„What is he doing here?!“ Jungwoo whisper-screamed to Doyoung, face turned pale. „More like what are  _they_  doing here?“ Doyoung's eyes were curiously fixed on the two boys who had just entered. Only then Jungwoo noticed.  _Kun_.

Lucas and Kun sat down on the empty chairs next to them, both smiling widely.

„Hey,“ greeted Kun in his soft voice, „What a surprise.“

„What a surprise,“ Doyoung said through gritted teeth, glaring at Lucas.

Lucas, oblivious, was grinning. “What's up, guys?“ 

„We were about to get thrown out. Dude, this new woman working here hates me already. Remember, Kev?“ Mark crossed his arms in front of his chest, pouting. „He was so nice. What a shame he left.“

„He did nothing but sleep all day,“ Kun laughed. His laugh caused Jungwoo to immediately smile too. He couldn't look at the older boy, unbearable shyness torturing him the instant their eyes met for longer than a second. 

„What are you working on?“ Kun asked Jungwoo and Doyoung (Mark, Donghyuck and Lucas were in the middle of a heated discussion about Kev) and Jungwoo could feel his heart skip a beat when Kun’s eyes met his. Doyoung started talking about his classes and, secretly watching Kun, Jungwoo’s thoughts drifted off.

Kun was wearing a blue cardigan over a black shirt, his hair was neatly combed and an ever-present soft smile was painted on his lips.  _An actual Disney prince._ That was the first impression Jungwoo had had of him.   _A prince._

He'd been running late for class, had no idea where to go and crashed into Kun. Kun lost balance, dropped his books and his coffee. But instead of getting mad, he'd been the one asking Jungwoo if he was okay and where he was headed. Even though he risked being late himself, he'd walked Jungwoo to the room he'd been looking for. „I hope we'll see each other again,“ he’d said. And just like that Jungwoo fell head over heels for him.

„Are you there?“ a deep voice spoke, huge hand waving in front of Jungwoo's eyes. 

„What?“ 

He was staring right into Lucas' face, who'd come dangerously close, trying to get his attention. Jungwoo's gaze wandered over Lucas' round eyes, but halted on the boy's full lips, curved into a suggestive smirk.

„What were you daydreaming about?“ He teased. He looked over to the others, as if to check if anyone was listening, saw Doyoung and Kun conversing in a whisper tone and added, „More like  _who_  were you daydreaming about-“ 

„Please, for heaven's sake, just be quiet,“ Jungwoo said, terrified.

„Kun?“ Lucas said a bit louder, „Didn't you read that last semester?“ He pointed at a book titled 'Practical Ethics'. 

Kun nodded. „Yes, for Bioethics.“

„Woah, wasn't it like super complicated?“ Lucas kicked against Jungwoo's leg under the table but made sure no one noticed. Jungwoo got the hint, tried to look a bit more frustrated.

„It is! It's so... complicated.“ 

„Don't worry,“ Lucas put a hand on Jungwoo's shoulder, „I'm sure Kun will help you!“

„What,“ Doyoung and Jungwoo said at once.

„Sure,“ Kun said cheerfully. „I still have all my notes. We can skim through them together. If you have any questions just write them down. We can discuss them sometime.“

Heart racing, cheeks flushed, Jungwoo stammered, “Wow... that'd be nice.“

„I'm kinda busy this week, though-“ Kun started with a apologetic voice. Jungwoo's mind couldn't process what was happening quickly enough, but he managed to say, „That's fine. Next week will do.“ 

Suddenly Mark interrupted, “Oh, we have an essay to write for history. I doubt you'll have time next week.“ 

Jungwoo could feel his stomach drop.

„What about tomorrow? I know it's short notice, but tomorrow evening is the only time I'm free till I'm done with my paper,“ Kun suggested.

Lucas and Doyoung both gawked at the boy awkwardly playing with the pen in his hands. „Tomorrow?“ he took a deep breath, „Sure.“

The sudden extremely self-satisfied smirk on Lucas face was distressing, but for once Jungwoo felt happy seeing it. Lucas had just done something incredible.

„Donghyuck, you still haven't solved this?“ shrieked Doyoung loudly. 

„Okay, that's it,“ the librarian ran up to them, „Get out. All of you.“

Doyoung's mouth dropped open, then his lips curled into a cold smile that promised he could rip you into pieces with words alone and without hesitation. „Let's go to Starbucks,“ he said, still looking at the lady's face.

 

* * *

 

 

„Did we just get thrown out of a library? A library. Wow,“ Mark realized once they were outside. He burst out laughing. Donghyuck joined him and soon they all were laughing carelessly, standing in front of the building's entrance, hands carrying books and laptops which hadn't yet been used.

„What a shame,“ said Kun once he'd calmed down, „For once Lucas was really keen on working there. But we barely spend 10 minutes inside.“

Lucas waved his hand in a denying motion. „No, no. It's fine.“

It was weird seeing him like this, laughing cheekily, backpack in one hand, the other around Mark's shoulders, while a part of Jungwoo was still attempting to grasp the situation they were in.  _That's my... roommate? Demon. Guest? Poltergeist. Someone I made a deal with? A parasite._

Jungwoo noticed Doyoung's narrowed eyes thoughtfully staring at Lucas. He wondered what his best friend was thinking about. He'd give anything to be able to follow Doyoung's thoughts and, most importantly, to be able to read people as easily as he could.

Mark was the first to break the silence. „Will you guys join us? We gonna go to Starbucks, I guess. Hope it's not too crowded.“ 

„Nah,“ Lucas shook his head, took a step back. „I'm done for today.“

„But... you haven't done anything yet,“ Kun said, slightly confused. 

Lucas shrugged, „Sicheng is waiting.“

Somehow, he always seemed to be on the run, always in a hurry.  _What are you running from?_

The boys parted ways and Jungwoo managed to avoid Lucas' eyes entirely as they said goodbye. He kept replaying Kun's laugh in his head, kept thinking about the way he had smiled at him.  _Tomorrow. Study date. Me and him. Alone._

 Things were finally looking up.

 

* * *

 

 By 10pm Lucas still hadn't come back. Jungwoo grew impatient, then slightly annoyed, and then guilt washed over him as he wondered if something had happened to the tall boy with the goofy smile.

After finishing all his assignments, hiding all weird (and possibly embarrassing) things he owned in the back of his closet and changing into less cringeworthy PJ's (goodbye Justin) he crawled into his bed to watch YouTube videos.

10:30pm. Still no demon in sight.

 Just a few minutes before 11pm Jungwoo, already half-asleep, heard the lock turn.

„Where have you been?“ Sleep was thick in the smaller one's voice. He was lying on his stomach, head resting on his arms, laptop placed in front of him. He'd been watching  _We bare bears_  the past hour but had nodded off twice during the last episode. The light was turned off, only his laptop's screen lit the room.

„I'm sorry,“ Lucas said softly, careful not to make loud noises, „I forgot. We were watching a movie.“

„I waited,“ Jungwoo yawned, „I've been waiting... long time... hours.“ He could feel his eyes closing. He tried to stay awake, to scold Lucas, but all he said was, „You'll have to come home earlier tomorrow.“

A bag was dropped, a loud noise echoed through the room. Startled, Jungwoo winced at the sound.

„Home,“ Lucas repeated, face indecipherable.

Eyes closing again, the smaller nodded. He had class early in the morning and needed proper sleep to function. Eyes half-lidded, he could make out Lucas closing his Laptop and putting it on his desk.

„Lucas?“ Jungwoo murmured.

„Yes?“ The tall boy replied, gesturing for Jungwoo to roll over, so he could tuck him in.

„Will we be okay?“

He waited for the soft fabric of the blanket to embrace him. Last night's sleepless hours took a toll on him now. He was exhausted, barely aware of what was happening around him.

„Of course.“ The answer came instantly, without hesitation. 

„Will I be awkward around Kun tomorrow?“ The question escaped his lips before he could stop himself. 

„No, you'll be adorable as always.“

Jungwoo wanted to say good night, but sleep had taken him already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I AM GRATEFUL for all of u guys' responses <3 Tbh I'm still kinda anxious about posting, bc, as I've said before, English isn't my native language, so I'm kinda :// about things sounding awkward. If you notice stuff sounding weird, I'm sorry!!  
> ANYWAY weird monologue over,, Thank u for reading ILU  
> P.S. I miss Luwoo :(


	7. Chapter 7

The sound of Jungwoo's alarm cut through the air mercilessly. Without opening his eyes he turned it off, groaning. 30 minutes left to get ready, he rolled out of bed to start his day. His eyes fell upon the boy who had also woken up because of the noise. For a short moment Jungwoo had forgotten about him. 

Laying on his stomach, Lucas propped himself up on both elbows, looking up at Jungwoo with sleepy eyes. "Morning, Snoopy."

Memories of Lucas tucking him in last night returned to Jungwoo. _Wait, what exactly did I say last night? God. Probably some dumb things._ Jungwoocould feel his cheeks turning crimson already. "Morning."

"Did you sleep well?" his (temporary) roommate asked.

A tiny nod was the answer, tongue still too sleepy to be used. Jungwoo's eyes were fixed on his phone, scrolling through Instagram, but not actually looking at the pics. His mind was somewhere else.

"You were fast asleep before 11pm. Do you usually sleep that early?"

Wordlessly Jungwoo nodded again, avoiding Lucas' face since his cheeks were still tinted scarlet.

"Guess, I'll have to get used to it," Lucas said with a sigh, burying his face in Jungwoo's Snoopy plushie, which he had apparently used as his pillow last night.

After awkwardly staring at the back of Lucas' head for a minute, Jungwoo began his morning routine: taking a quick shower, brushing his teeth, taking his clothes to the bathroom to get changed in there (because changing infront of Lucas was unimaginable), everything hurried, without giving it much thought. He secretly glanced over at Lucas whenever he left the bathroom to get his things. The other boy had seemingly fallen asleep again.

_How can he sleep despite all the noise I'm making?_

Once Jungwoo was done with his morning routine and wearing a light blue flannel shirt and black pants, he settled on the floor next to the sleeping boy. 

It was strange how different Lucas looked while asleep. The peaceful, innocent air of an angel surrounded the... _demon_.

Bizarre, how Jungwoo had gone from wanting to drop out of a class because of that jerk to involuntarily sharing a room with him. Only two days had passed since he had asked a crying Lucas to come back inside. Two days, which felt like weeks already. He thought of all the times Lucas had annoyed him in class, throwing things at him, calling him 'pretty boy' and 'cutie' only to humiliate him, the countless kicks against his chair and the rude comments. But, he realized, what he once considered offenses against his sexuality, which he never concealed, could now be interpreted as bad jokes. _Really, really bad jokes._

The image of Lucas that he had crafted for himself was beginning to crack as he experienced different nuances of his personality. Was he doing him injustice? Or was looking at his sleeping face, the slight pout, the puffed-up cheeks, doing things to him? 

"Lucas," he poked the sleeping boy awake with his pointed finger. "Lucas, when do you have to get up?"

Four raised fingers were the answer, face still buried in the plushie. 

_Four hours till he has class_ , he assumed. "If you wanna sleep in the bed, do it. The floor must be uncomfortable."

Turning his face slightly, Lucas looked at him with a curious expression. "Your bed?"

"There's only one bed,” the older of the two replied slightly confused.

Still carrying an expression of hesitation and sleepiness, Lucas crawled into Jungwoo's bed.

Jungwoo couldn't help but laugh, partly out of confusion over Lucas' strange behavior and partly because of the odd expression his 'roommate’ wore.

"Ah, Kun wrote me last night," Jungwoo beamed.

Lucas, whose face was covered by the blanket, only half-opened eyes visible, made a muffled sound, then added more audibly, "What he say?"

"Nothing special, we just talked 'bout where to meet."

"And?"

"He'll do the tutoring here," Jungwoo couldn't keep the happiness off his face, "We'll meet at around 5pm."

"Good for you," Lucas mumbled, sleepiness thick in his voice.

"Thank you. I mean, you basically made this happen. Really, you have no idea how grateful I am." Jungwoo said sincerely.

The drowsy one raised a thumb up, his emotionless voice muttering **,** "Best damn wingman ever."

He rolled over, facing the wall and Jungwoo got the hint. It was probably too early for Lucas to care about Jungwoo’s issues. 

Quietly he packed his bag and took some cereal bars from the box filled with snacks on his desk to eat on the go. 

Seeing Lucas in his bed filled his chest with a feeling, which he couldn't put into words. _Peculiar_ was probably the closest he could get. His mattress looked tiny under him, his blanket suddenly appeared to be much smaller.

Jungwoo picked the Snoopy plushie from the ground and put it next to Lucas' arms, whose face was still turned away, hidden from Jungwoo. Lucas didn't react, not even when Jungwoo gently forced the plushie between Lucas arms. _Much better._

"Sleep well," Jungwoo said before leaving the room, but as expected he didn't get an answer.

Racing down the stairs, Jungwoo realized how nervous he was about Kun visiting him today. "Let's not mess this up," he said to himself. "Just once, let's not mess this up."

 

* * *

 

"What happened then?" Jungwoo inquired.

"They left the room. Came back five minutes later. Told me to try again next time. I don't know. I thought this time it'd work out somehow. I memorized the whole thing and even got Doyoung to help me with the acting," Jaehyun said through the phone. He sounded absolutely devastated.

"It's not the last audition on earth. Honestly, they're missing out! You'd have done such a great job. They are stupid for not picking you!" Jungwoo tried to cheer up his friend. "Don't let this bring you down. You can't give up that easily." 

"I'm not giving up, really. I'm just wondering, if this is a waste of time." 

Jungwoo hesitated a moment, thought about Jaehyun's words. "That's the thing, though, isn't it? You never know what pays off until it either does or it doesn't. And that might take years. You have to risk it."

His friend made a wincing sound, like he'd just been kicked, "So, you think I should keep going to auditions, even if they gonna reject me another 10 times?"

"As long as you're not dropping out of college, yes."

"What?! I thought we were gonna drop out together? Start Microsoft 2.0?" Jaehyun said and Jungwoo could nearly _hear_ the smile on his face.

Relieved that his friend didn't sound as broken and morose anymore, he replied, "Sure, 'cause we're both so smart, right?"

"I might not have the brain needed, but I have the face-"

Jungwoo's eyes fell on the clock on his nightstand. "Oh, damn. Gotta go, I'll write you!"

He had lost track of time. It was 5pm already and Kun was supposed be there... _any second now._

Jungwoo had spent the past hour cleaning every inch of his room, reorganizing things, shoving all of Lucas' stuff into a corner of his closet, making sure his sheets were clean and the bathroom floor was hair-free. He applied perfume 3 times and brushed his teeth another 2 times, before scolding himself for having _those_ thoughts while the poor boy came for no reason other than to offer tutoring. But, they'd be alone for the first time and Jungwoo had undeniable high hopes.

By the time Jungwoo had gotten home after class Lucas was gone. Jungwoo's bed had been made neatly and Lucas blanket was tidily placed on top of it. The _demon_ had tucked the Snoopy pillow in, as if he had left him there sleeping. Jungwoo couldn't help but to admit that it was adorable. He started to warm up to Lucas, especially given the fact that he was the one responsible for Kun and his study-date.

He realized that he hadn't asked Lucas to come back late tonight, in case Kun would... take his time explaining the concepts of the book. But since Lucas had said before that he usually only came home to sleep, Jungwoo wasn't anxious about him suddenly intruding. _He might be a jerk, but he's not dumb._

 

When there was at last a shy knock at the door, Jungwoo nearly stumbled over his own feet. _Finally, finally, finally._ He took a deep breath and opened the door. 

"Hey, Kun" he greeted him with a big smile and a racing heart. _Finally_. Then he saw the person standing behind Kun and he could feel anger fill his chest. He cocked his head to the side, eyes wide, a wide fake grin plastered on his face. "Lucas? What! A! Surprise!" 

"Hey," smirked the tallest one.

Kun and Lucas walked in and placed their backpacks on the floor while they took off their jackets.

_What the hell is he doing here? What is he doing here? This idiot is gonna ruin the whole thing._

Dryly, Jungwoo spoke, "This is quite the surprise, Dem- Lucas."

"Oh, Lucas asked, if he could come too," Kun began explaining. "He said he’d really like to take _Bioethics_ next semester and I mean he's right, why not getting a head start by listening to us today? He asked me to tell you beforehand, just in case you were against it, but why would you be, right?" Kun ended the sentence with a cute laugh, while Jungwoo considered throwing Lucas out. _Or worse._

"Sure, why wouldn't I wanna have him," he paused, smiled widely, cold eyes glued on the intruder, "here. Right now."

Lucas clapped once, sat down on the ground (the same spot, where he had slept two nights in a row) and roared, "Let's start learning about biophysics!"

"Bioethics," Jungwoo said through gritted teeth. He couldn't believe his eyes nor ears. This was ridiculous.

"Same thing," Lucas grinned slyly. He gestured Kun to sit next to him and Kun did.

"Would you mind opening the window? The smell of perfume is ... really strong in here," the demon said and Jungwoo was on the verge of throwing _him_ out the window. 

Kun was spreading his books and notebooks on the floor while Jungwoo opened the window and, still standing, leaned against the wall next to it. He was pretty sure the offensive smell of perfume was coming from his shirt. 

"So, let's start with the part on animal liberation," Kun said, kindly smiling. He held up a book and asked Jungwoo, "You've read that, haven't you?"

Jungwoo nodded, pretended to be listening, even though he was utterly distracted.

_I can't believe Lucas is doing this to me. Why would he do that?_

Jungwoo barely ever got angry. But right now he felt like physically fighting Lucas, who was innocently playing with the pen in his hand.

_Nevermind him, focus on Kun. Let’s make the best out of it._

Kun, who was currently holding a monologue on the meaning of the concept of being a 'person', was oblivious to the tension surrounding him. He was explaining parts of the arguments, using quotes from the text, and he was doing a great job. Only could Jungwoo not focus on what he was hearing at all. Least he could do was stare at Kun with curious eyes.

Kun's hair was messier than usual, but still neat compared to Lucas' almost always tousled hair. Seeing the two sitting next to each other made him unwillingly compare them. Both boys were extremely handsome, but each in their own unique ways. _I can think that he's alright looking and still hate him,_ Jungwoo thought to himself, justifying his thoughts.

Kun always reminded him of a Disney prince. Around him Jungwoo felt secure. Kun's calm nature stood in contrast to the storm that was Lucas.

Kun was rather quiet, funny, but in a kind, gentle way. He never laughed _about_ you, he always laughed _with_ you. He took care of everyone around him, was always ready to help. Jungwoo admired him. He had heard before that Kun was working two part-time jobs, while also being a full-time student. Just the thought of being that busy made him feel overwhelmed. Yet, Kun was handling it as if it was nothing.

Then there was Lucas. Unceasingly loud, wild and playful. He was childlike and reckless in that special, natural way, which people usually lost as they aged and grew up. _Kinda like Peter Pan?_

They say opposites attract, but in this case,  it was quite extreme. Their friendship seemed to build on their differences.

Suddenly a thought crossed Jungwoo's mind, which nearly caused him to shriek. 

"Are you still … listening?" Kun asked worriedly.

"Sure," Jungwoo lied.

_That's why he didn't want me to meet with him alone. That's why he kept bringing up Doyoung. That's why he's been acting so strange._ _Oh my god, I'm so dumb._

Lucas interrupted his train of thought, concernedly eying the standing one, he inquired, "Jungwoo, are you really okay?" He observed Jungwoo carefully, who was in turn staring back with an icy expression.

"Sure, Lucas,” he said his name like it was a curse once again, and suddenly Jungwoo understood what Lucas had meant the first night he’d slept here, “What about you?"

"What?" Lucas raised his eyebrows, clearly lost, "Yeah, I'm doing fine."

"Uh," Kun made a puzzled sound, "Maybe we should... start with another chapter?"

Jungwoo shrugged, sat down across the two. He turned the pages in his own book, till he reached the table of contents. "You can decide, Kun."

He had been too distracted with his own problems to notice, but now it was obvious.

_Lucas is in love with Kun. He had been in love with him the whole time. God, I can't believe I didn't realize it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not posting last week :( I like uploading weekly, but last week I didn't finish on time.  
> Instead I rewrote some parts of the previous chapters (mostly chap 1 & 2). Nothing changed contentwise, I just changed some grammar stuff / worded things differently ~
> 
> As always thank you so, so much for reading & commenting!! I hope you're still enjoying this fic ❤️  
> Have a lovely day ~


	8. Chapter 8

The study "date" didn't go as planned. Lucas' presence was irritating Jungwoo to a point at which he contemplated leaving his  _own_ dormto put some space between himself and the tall boy with the goofy smile. Kun was stricly focused on explaining the main points of each chapter, barely putting away the book he read quotes out of, aiming his attention at _Bioethics_ only. Jungwoo tried to follow his thoughts, noted ever word spoken by Kun, but he could already feel the gloomy spread of disappointment in his chest. _There goes all the hope of us getting closer,_ he thought to himself.

"Jungwoo," Lucas giggled, calling the other boy's name for the eight time in the past ten minutes.

Jungwoo replied slightly annoyed, "What now?"  _One more dumb joke and...._

"Wanna hear something that'll make you smile?"

"Why aren't you stopping him," Jungwoo asked Kun accusingly, who only offered him an apologetic shrug in return. 

"Your face muscles." Lucas laugh cut through the air, loud and sharp, startling Jungwoo.

_I don't deserve this._

"The funniest thing about your jokes is that you actually think they're funny," Jungwoo shook his head slowly.

"Jungwoo-" Lucas began again, grinning excitedly.

"Maybe we should get back to chapter 14," Kun suggested timidly before the tallest one could continue speaking.

"Yes, please," Jungwoo nearly begged, secretly glaring at Lucas when Kun turned around. He was still trying to put the pieces together, to understand what exactly the _demon_ wasup to. Even if Jungwoo was right and Lucas was in love with Kun, that still wouldn't answer all his questions.

As the oldest turned the pages in his book, his phone rang. With a few brief words of apology and "I'll be back in a second," he left the flat, leaving Lucas and Jungwoo behind. One roommate was sighing in silent disappointment, the other shoving hands full of chips into his mouth.

 

"Ten minutes aren't long enough to be considered a study break," Lucas whined. "Let's add ten more minutes, please. My head is exploding." He grabbed the Snoopy plushie from Jungwoo's bed, playing with the ears.

"But all you've done the past hour is drawing little stars into your notebook. What do you need a break from?"

The boys had summarized three chapters so far, at least Kun and Jungwoo had done so, while Lucas, obviously bored, distracted them with stupid comments and tragic jokes.

Determination on his face, he claimed, "I've been listening. Ask me something. I can answer all your questions. I might as well write your paper for you, that's how well I listened."

Jungwoo turned away. "Why are you so annoying?" With yellow and green he highlighted the parts Kun had marked as 'very important' in his notes. Even Kun's handwriting was neat and cute. 

"Why are you so mean today?" Lucas asked with a pout.

_Because you're in love with Kun and you've been playing with me and my emotions._

"Why are you even _here_ , Lucas _?_ " Jungwoo asked, quite forward.

Lucas stopped, for a split second only, yet Jungwoo still noticed. "Because I love learning."

"Aha," the older one made a unconvinced sound. He knew Lucas was lying. Hidden between the words leaving his plump lips so easily was an untold story. One Jungwoo was ready to investigate. Before Jungwoo could push any further, Kun walked in again, expression stressed.

"My aunt called. She needs me to babysit my cousin. She has to work an extra shift tonight," he explained. "Anyway, if it's okay... I'd to leave soon. I'm really sorry. Of course we'll finish discussing the chapter first-"

Instantly Jungwoo shook his head, "No, no, you can leave! It's not that important. I'll look over your notes alone. Please go take care of your cousin."

"I'll help him," Lucas promised. "So, don't worry."

Jungwoo nodded stiffly, "See, he's even gonna... help me," he threw a side glance at Lucas, "And we all know how reliable he is."

At that remark Lucas furrowed his eyebrows in incomprehension. 

Kun looked around the room, unsure of what to do. "Are you sure? I can stay a little longer."

"We gonna be fine, _mom_ ," Lucas said, rolling his eyes, "Say 'hi' to Chen from me. Tell him I can't wait to play FIFA with him again."

The oldest squatted on the floor, shoving his books into his backpack. "Really? You nearly cried when you lost against him. I'm pretty sure he learned all the swear words he's been using lately from you."

Lucas waved off the accusations. "Boys that age pick up curse words from everywhere, it wasn't me."

_I wouldn't let him near my kids, if my life depended on it._

"Keep this," Kun said to Jungwoo, handing him a notebook. "I hope you can decipher my writing." His eyes wandered around the dorm, looking for something. "Did I leave my jacket in the car?"

"Your handwriting is really beautiful," Jungwoo said earnestly, flipping through the pages one by one.

Quietly, barely audible, Lucas whispered to himself, "Who's writing notes by hand anymore anyway?"

Jungwoo shot him a nasty look. Caught, Lucas played it off by shrugging. "It's 2018. Go digital. " 

A phone rang. Both looked up at the oldest. 

"I better leave now," Kun sighed after looking at the caller's ID.

 

After a string of apologies from Kun, and Jungwoo assuring him again and again that he wasn't mad, the boy left. The moment the door closed behind Kun Jungwoo grabbed the notebook closest to him and started hitting Lucas with it. 

"You're such an idiot! You think I wouldn't notice? You really think I'm _that_ dumb," raging, he kept smashing the notebook against Lucas back, "You could've just told me! I'd have understood? But instead you lie-"

Shocked, Lucas stared at Jungwoo, one arm effortlessly blocking all the weak hits the smaller was attempting. "What even are you talking about?"

'Oh, sure, I'm dumb, right? Stupid Jungwoo doesn't get things that are happening right infront of his eyes?!"

"Stop this," the taller demanded softly.

But Jungwoo had just gotten started. "You're an asshole. Toy with my emotions, yeah, of course. I'm the dumb one for trusting you-"

Lucas stopped him with one swift, quick move, pressing Jungwoo's back against his own chest, one arm tightly around the smaller's upper body, forcing him to halt. Jungwoo realized he couldn't move. The ripped notebook was dropped to the ground.

"What the fuck are you saying? No one calls you stupid. How about you calm down?"

"I am calm," came the blatant lie instantly.

A scoff followed. "Dude, if you had more than the muscle strength of a 5 year old you might have had actually hurt me."

Jungwoo tried to get himself out of Lucas tight embrace, mumbling, "It's fine now. I won't... do anything."

He noticed how close Lucas face was to his, realized with a pounding heart that Lucas was practically hugging him from behind. Mouth dry, he began wriggling helplessly, feeling like he was going to suffocate any moment.

"Promise, you won't try again," Lucas demanded calmly.

 _Why the fuck is his voice giving me goosebumps_ **_now_** _._

"I promise. Just let me go."

Lucas released his grip and Jungwoo staggered backwards. Then he sat on the bed, hiding his flushed face behind his sweaty hands.  _Fuck._

 

What felt like an eternity passed, before Lucas spoke again. He cleaned the dirt off the carpeted floor, picked up all the books which they had used to study and placed them on the desk. He put the drinks back into the fridge and put the half-empty chips bags away. Then he sat on the chair across Jungwoo, eyeing him carefully.

"Are you okay?"

A unconvincing nod. Silence filled the room.

Jungwoo pulled his knees up, back resting against the wall. His eyes were glued on his white socks. It took him all his courage to look at Lucas' face after whatever had just possessed him made him act that way. He had hit him. With a notebook. What had he been thinking? Nothing. His brain had failed him.

"Please stop staring at me like that."

A head tilted to the side, worried dark eyes unmoving. "Like what?"

"Like I'm an alien."

Lucas smiled, not his usual cocky smile, one much gentler, and helplessly shrugged. "I'm not, I'm just surprised. What got you so riled up? That was actually creepy."

"Lucas," Jungwoo ran his fingers through his hair, hesitantly opened his mouth, looking for a way to put his thoughts into words without sounding insane. "I understand now. You, randomly coming along with Kun today... Constantly asking me about the relationship between me and Doyoung. Your, uh, thing for best friends turning boyf-" he broke off again, taking in the terrified expression on Lucas face. "I understand."

"You understand?" Lucas repeated passively.

Jungwoo didn't like how dark the younger boy's eyes had become, how every hint of a smile had left his face. Despite everything, he wanted him to be happy and to carry his stupid smug smirk around.

"Of course. I just wish you'd have told me earlier. I don't know. You made me the cruel one by me making you be my wingman. Why did you suggest this whole stupid deal? You gotta be borderline masochistic, honestly."

Lucas kept looking at him with an unidentifiable expression, biting on his full bottom lip.

"I knew you guys were close, but I had no idea. I'd have never agreed," Jungwoo rested his chin on his knees, hugged his legs with both arms. "Does Kun know you love him?"

Eyebrows furrowed, Lucas dug his teeth deeper into his bottom lip. 

"It's okay. I'm not mad. I just wish you'd have told me before. Is that why you didn't tell him about the problems with your dad? Were you scared of Kun... realizing your feelings for him?"

For what felt like an eternity Lucas gawked at Jungwoo. 

"Please, say something. I don't wanna pressure you, but we need to talk about this."

Finally, Lucas spoke. "Yes." Fingers running through his messy hair again and again, he began explaining. "Seems like... you figured it all out. Didn't think you'd notice. No one knows. Please, don't tell anyone."

Hearing him actually confirm his suspicions felt like a blow to the stomach. With a sad smile Jungwoo said, "I keep collecting your secrets, aren’t I."

"This doesn't change anything about what we had planned, though. I'm still gonna help you."

Bewildered, the older boy shook his head, "But why would you do that? You're gonna hurt yourself. Don't you wanna try-"

Lucas interrupted him before he could finish the sentence. "Trust me, I know a lost cause when I see it."

"What makes you so sure it won't work out for you?"

"Jungwoo," Lucas began, yet stopped and instead looked into the distance, absent again. "Have you ever liked someone and then realized that person doesn't like you in _that_ way back? To them you're just some guy."

"But, you're not just some guy to Kun."

"Sure. I'm not," Lucas said with a brief smile, "However, once you realize it's one-sided, its on you how to act, right? I don't wanna burden him with my feelings, when he is obviously not feeling the same. And now I just want him to be happy."

"You really think I could... make him happy?"

Lucas' stoic expression changed back into something more familiar, a playful smile, sparkling eyes. Relief filled Jungwoo's chest upon the sight.

"Of course. I think you guys would make a great couple. You're both... I don't know... Cute?"

The older hid his flushed cheeks behind his hands. "Shut up."

"I'm honest. I mean you were quite cute when you pretended to listen to his every word today," Lucas teased.

_Was I that obvious?_

"Actually, I was listening," Jungwoo replied.

"Like this?" Lucas asked laughing, imitating Jungwoo's expression from before, eyelashes fluttering, lips slightly parted, nodding affirmatively countless times.

Jungwoo tried to hide his scarlet face behind his knees, but his voice alone betrayed him. "Please, don't ever do that again."

"Suddenly you're shy?" Lucas teased him, big grin on his face.

"I'm always shy."

"You weren't really that shy when you nearly kicked me out when you saw me standing behind Kun."

The sad atmosphere had left the room. At ease, and with (hopefully) no more secrets for Jungwoo to decipher between them, Jungwoo felt comfortable joking around and talking with Lucas.

"I was about to rip you into pieces," he spoke truthfully.

"How? The same way you tried to beat me up with a notebook? That was weak."

"I'm sorry,  _the Rock,"_ Jungwoo rolled his eyes. _"_ Remind me to buy a bat, in case I wanna kick your ass again."

"Or I'll just try to be a good boy around you?" Lucas said with a wink.

_Did he just... Why is he such a damn flirt? And how can he say that shit with a straight face._

"Yeah, well, you just failed. Don't wink at me ever again."

Lucas made a grimace and both fell silent. It wasn't the weird, forced kind of silence. Instead, they were both preoccupied with their own thoughts.

"So... what now?" Jungwoo asked, thinking out loud.

The other shrugged. "I don't know. Let's just continue as if this conversation didn't happen."

For a while Jungwoo considered that. He couldn't just pretend he hadn't found out how Lucas felt about Kun. But he didn't want to reject Lucas offer to help either.

 _This is so complicated. When did my life become like this? It turned into a labyrinth I can't navigate through. I haven't even put up my fucking One Direction poster yet. What have I become?_ He glanced over at his roommate, who was innocently waiting for a response.

"Can I be honest with you? I don't know if I can just pretend that... You don't... You know," Jungwoo's lips turned into a straight line. "I didn't know you had feelings for him. That changes quite a lot for me," he sighed frustrated, "I don't wanna hurt you. I'm scared you gonna suffer silently."

Baffled, Lucas said, "Suffer silently? No, no. Don't worry, I won't. I'll get over this quickly. It's not that deep."

"Still-"

Lucas interrupted his roommate once again. "Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"Now?" Jungwoo replied, taken by surprise.

"Well, do you have any plans for tonight?"

Jungwoo shook his head.

"Let's watch something then," Lucas suggested.

With a lazy shrug Jungwoo agreed. _I hope I won't regret this. I really hope I won't regret this._

"Netflix and chill it is," Lucas beamed, already pulling his laptop out of his backpack.  _I'm regretting it._

"Don't make me throw you out," dead-panned Jungwoo. He went to his pathetic excuse of a fridge and pulled out cans of soda, placed them next to the bags of chips. 

" _Actual_ Netflix and _actual_ chill it is then," Lucas repeated with mock disappointment.

With fluttering eyelashes and an innocent smile Jungwoo said, " _Much_ better. Now, roll over Hulk, you're taking up the entire bed."

"It's your bed's fault. It's so tiny," Lucas whined, eyes fixed on his laptop screen.

The older pushed his roommate with both hands, till he could comfortably lie on his stomach, while Lucas was forced to sit with the laptop on his lap.

"What do you wanna watch?" Lucas asked. He gazed down at Jungwoo, eyes resting on his face for a little too long, then he swallowed hard and cleared his throat. Once again, it was only a second of hesitation, but Jungwoo noticed. 

_What exactly was that. Why was he staring at me like that. Oh my god, if he's gonna make this awkward, I'll-_

"Nothing rated R. Don't even think about it," he declared, wary of the other's ideas. 

A soft laugh, fingers tapping on the plastic of the device. "You really think I'm like that?"

_I think you're even worse._

Lucas scrolled down, skipping all the movies he'd already seen. "What about Big hero 6?" 

"YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED BIG HERO 6?" Jungwoo shouted, "Oh my god. We gonna watch it. Now."

Startled, Lucas put his hand on his heart, "Geez. Calm down."

"I can't believe you've never watched Big Hero 6. It's one of the best Disney movies. Hurry up!" Jungwoo clapped excitedly, impatiently staring up at the other boy who was chuckling to himself.

The Disney castle appeared on the screen and Jungwoo happily beamed at Lucas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing well ❤️ If it's exam phase for you too rn, please remember to take care of yourself!! Eat & drink enough and don't let the stress get to you ~  
> As always, thank you for reading & I hope you're having a lovely day ❤️
> 
> ALSO, I'm sorry I haven't yet replied to the comments from the previous chapter!! I read them all, but I was so busy ;; I love you all & I'm grateful for every comment you leave ~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, obligatory spoiler warning for Big Hero 6??

"Lucas ... cried during Big Hero 6?" Doyoung put down his burger, mouth still opened for a bite he didn't take. 

"He didn't just cry. He was _sobbing_ when Tadashi died. We had to pause the movie. It wasn't like there were only a few cute tears rolling down his cheeks. No, he was straight up bawling."

The onyx haired boy took a sip of his apple juice, expression somewhere between suffering from secondhand embarrassment and wanting to burst into laughter. "And what did you do?"

"I brought him tissues. Tried to calm him down? I didn't know what to do. I wasn't expecting him to react that way. Not when he's always that quick to act like 'I'm so strong and so handsome and have 20 people saved in my phone who'd hop on my," looking at the family sitting a table away, he quietly finished with "his lap."

"And after watching the movie?" his friend asked, amused. Mayonnaise dropped down his not-really-made-for-breakfast breakfast burger. 

"He fell asleep in my bed the moment the credits appeared. And I couldn't wake him up, cause I felt so bad for him. He cried his eyes out twice: once when Tadashi died and then once again when Baymax and Hiro fist bumped at the end," explained Jungwoo with a sigh, "So, I slept on the floor."

 

Truthfully, he hadn't even tried to wake him up. As soon as the movie was over Lucas was softly snoring. Sometime during the movie, he too had changed his position, had put the laptop on Jungwoo's pillow and laid on his stomach next to him. The older boy didn't realize that till he was asking the demon to turn off his laptop.

"I think we should sleep. Maybe-"

A quite snore.

"You're joking, right?

A longer look at his face proved Jungwoo's suspicions wrong: eyes tightly shut, full lips half pouting, messy strands of hair covering his forehead; Lucas was definitely asleep. 

"You haven't even brushed your teeth," Jungwoo scolded him quietly. Should he wake him up? He couldn't. Not when he looked like _that_ sleeping _._

Lying on his side, Jungwoo observed the sleeping fairy.  _Life must be easier for you_ , he thought, _with a face like that. You've probably broken more hearts than you can count._ For a second, he considered pushing Lucas fringe back, the strands of hair annoying him. He didn't.

Instead he got up, careful not to make a sound, put Lucas' laptop back into his backpack, fixed the makeshift bed for himself and went into the bathroom, where he sat on the toilet with the lid down.

If someone would've told him about today a week ago, he'd have laughed at that person. He wouldn't have believed a single word. But now he was living this strange reality in which Lucas Wong was casually sleeping in his room, in his bed even.

Mind crowded, his thoughts wandered off to the first time he'd met Lucas, when the boy's cheeky smirk had made its debut in his life.

 

It was, of course, at one of Johnny's and Ten's parties. The house was packed with at least a hundred bodies, dancing and drinking, and Jungwoo asked himself how the unlike two even knew that many people. If he threw a party, he'd maybe get 15 people to come. His parents included.

"Don't run away," Doyoung shouted at his best friend, half of his words drown out by the noise, "I'll go look for Taeyong."

Jungwoo nodded, uncomfortably standing against the kitchen wall, observing the boys and girls dancing with each other. _God. So many people._

His eyes fell upon a tall guy holding a blonde girl's waist with both hands. She turned around, grinding against him in a way that made Jungwoo blush from the distance. The boy gave her a wide grin, followed immediately by soft whispers into her ear. His hands found their way into the back pockets of her jeans, pulling her closer. Jungwoo couldn't stop staring at the boy. His tan skin, his dark hair, how effortlessly he made her nod willingly at his every word. The black dress shirt he wore would've made everyone else look like a try-hard, this was a party after all, not a job interview, but on him it looked maddeningly hot. 

Jungwoo cleared his throat, tried to focus on other people, but his eyes fell back on the two the moment the boy opened his mouth to let her slide her tongue in. 

"Geez," he whispered to himself, secondhand-embarrassment running through him, "She's about to dry hump him." 

_Where is Doyoung? Is Taeyong hiding in the basement or something?_

Noise swallowing his sanity, Jungwoo's eyes automatically found their way back to the stranger as if his dancing had hypnotized him. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the way he danced but the way he kissed the girl.

Then, with immense shock, Jungwoo realized the round big eyes weren't fixed on the girl's face anymore. They were looking back at him. Through the crowd, those eyes had found his. The boy with the honey-like skin held her face in his huge hands, she was still in trance, biting her lips awkwardly, maybe trying to look sexy, but the boy's attention was on Jungwoo. 

It took him too long to look away, to pretend he hadn't been staring at them like a creepy voyeur. The stranger had caught Jungwoo watching him. 

Jungwoo was awkwardly pressed against the wall, trying to blend in, to be invisible.  _Goddamn. How to be a fucking weirdo 101._

"Found T.Y.!" Doyoung announced, putting his arm around Jungwoo's shoulder.

He'd never been more grateful to see Doyoung's annoyed face. With his friends around him he could breathe again.

"I'm never gonna drink again. I promise. I swear," Taeyong said, skin unusually pale. "I just got rid of yesterday's dinner. Through the wrong hole."

Doyoung hit him on the head, although not hard enough to actually hurt him, then pulled him closer, arm resting around the pink-haired boy's waist. "You're disgusting."

Cautiously, Jungwoo looked for the stranger, but he was gone. And so was the girl. _Probably on their way upstairs._

"Can we go now? I'm getting a headache," whined Taeyong, side hugging the rabbit-like boy. 

"McDonalds first," Jungwoo reminded his friends. He had only accompanied Doyoung to pick Taeyong up, because his friend had promised him to get food after. For most people in the room the night was still young, but for Jungwoo it was time to overdose on fries and go to bed.

With bad timing his biological needs called. "Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom first, though."

Doyoung nodded, "We'll wait here. Hurry up. Don't get lost."

Rolling his eyes, Jungwoo walked upstairs, ignoring the "Be careful" shouts from Taeyong.

He'd been to Ten's parent's house a few times before, mostly for parties, but also for their study group meetups, which usually ended in them doing anything except studying. Ten's old bedroom was upstairs just like the guest bathroom. Multiple times had he opened the door to the bathroom, but never had he expected to see what now was displayed infront of him.

The handsome boy from before was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, looking up at the girl standing infront of him, completely entranced. She was doing things Jungwoo surely wouldn't want anyone see him doing.

Both turned to face Jungwoo the instant they heard him clear his throat. 

"Uh, can you guys maybe leave?"

Annoyed, the blonde barked at him, fixing her hair. "Is this your party?" 

"No?" 

She eyed him angrily, "Do you live here?"

Avoiding looking at her chest, she was wearing nothing but a pretty, sparkly bra and Jungwoo didn't feel the need to see her notable boobs, he replied with a curt, "No."

"Then who the fu-"

The dark-haired boy jumped up at once, pulling her towards the door by the wrist. "There are plenty other rooms we can use," he said indifferently to the obviously upset girl.

"Ten's room," he added with a grin, motioning left with his head. She walked ahead, still glaring evilly at the smaller boy.

With a stoic expression Jungwoo eyed her, not moving an inch when she rammed him.

When the stranger walked through the door, their shoulders brushed. With a raspy voice the boy with the honey skin whispered, "There's plenty of space for you in there too, pretty boy."

Later, Jungwoo wondered if he had imagined him saying that. Maybe he had been speaking to the girl. But he could still feel the stranger's gaze burning, could feel the panic spread in his chest. 

 

Then he saw him again, arm put around Jungwoo's secret one-sided crush, discussing something, his voice loud and his words void of sincerity, always bluffing, always teasing. Jungwoo detested him.

 

_When exactly was that?_ He went to the sink to brush his teeth, images of the one sleeping next door flashing through his mind. _I don't even remember. A few months ago maybe._

Mark introduced Lucas to him only weeks later, but Jungwoo never warmed up to him. By that time the rumors had reached him too. Loaded parents, donating hefty sums without hesitation. Countless girls crying in restrooms with their hearts broken by the handsome face and sweet, empty promises. One-night stands that destroyed relationships. Straight A's, no effort put in. Those were only the tip of the iceberg.

However, he wasn't judging Lucas for hooking up with whoever, that wasn't Jungwoo's business. He could sleep with half the campus if he wanted, Jungwoo didn't care, had no right to care.

It was Lucas' words, his gaze, his expression, his confidence that he could take whatever he wanted without ever experiencing rejection, those tasted like poison to Jungwoo. He hated people like that. People who never felt helpless, didn't know the struggles of low self-esteem, of life working against you. Happy-go-lucky kind of people. They reminded him of someone whom he once had fallen for like a mouse fell for a trap. 

_Stop reminiscing, loser. If you go down that hole now you gonna cry harder than Lucas did._

He quickly finished brushing his teeth, combed his messy hair and went back into the room. After a moment of hesitation ( _How much cheesier can I be? I should just let him freeze._ ) he tucked Lucas in. 

"Who are you truly, demon?" he spoke in a hushed tone.

Lucas made a deep, satisfied humming noise, hugged the blanket tightly.

_It's like he's doing it on purpose. Why is he so damn cute when he's asleep? But_ **_only_** _when he's asleep._

Maybe he could get used to Lucas being his roommate. Surely, he was no match for Doyoung, his best friend would forever remain his favorite person to live with, but there was something nice about having Lucas around. 

 

"Sometimes you're scaring me. I swear you've been absent the past five minutes," Doyoung, upset, pinched Jungwoo's arm, "Don't space out on me like that. If you do that again I'll make you take a EEG test. They gotta check your brain activity while you're ... doing _that_. I bet you're psychic or something."

"I didn't have a vision. I was thinking," Jungwoo laughed.

"I'm listening."

Solemnly, came the confession, "I like having Lucas around."

One eyebrow raised, Doyoung scoffed, "Of course you do."

"What do you mean?"

"Uh, he's into you. Obviously."

Jungwoo put his mug down, eyes wide. Stressing every syllable, he said, "No. He is not."

"Friend. Best friend. Brother of mine. I love you. Trust me when I tell you you're a bit... dense when it comes to this kinda stuff. I saw him talk to you in the lib. I mean, it was obvious before that he was flirting with you, but there it was... He looked at no one else but you? I felt like he was gonna rip my head off whenever I talked to you."

"Okay, listen. Doyoung. My best friend. My bunny. That's impossible. He's not ... I," Jungwoo shook his head wildly, "No. No, he isn't. I know for sure he's into someone else. But... I can't tell you who it is."

"Oh, you and your new best friend now share more secrets? Why didn't you ask him to join us today? I'm sure he'd love to spend even more time with you. You might as well ask him to move in! Oh," Doyoung mockingly gasped, hand covering his mouth. "You already did!"

"It's complicated."

"Say that one more time and I'll end this friendship," he finished his apple juice in between his sentences, "Unless he has a wife and three kids at home, I stand with what I said. He likes you. A lot. You didn't see how he looked at you."

"Uh, I did. With an ugly smirk and probably biting his ugly chapped lips. Trust me, that's unfortunatly all I've been seeing the the past few days," a frustrated groan, "Honestly, what is it with the constant lipbiting and hair flips?"

His friend giggled, "Get him some chapstick instead of a best friend forever ring. Aren't you into the Justin Bieber kinda hairflips, though? I remember that one folder with the GIFs-"

"Being roommates with Yuta truly changed you."

His friend grimaced before pulling out his phone and checking the notifications.

With a strong pull Jungwoo took his notebook out of his backpack, the unfinished assignment he had to hand in later that day crossed his mind.

A tiny white something fell from Jungwoo's bag. He picked it up curiously. It was paper, crumbled, formed into a tiny ball. He unfolded it. 'I like you, cutie ♡' was written in barely readable handwriting on the messily ripped out sheet. _Where did this come from?_

Not giving it any more thought he threw it into his pencil case. Maybe it would bring him luck.

"Question."

Attentive, Doyoung nodded.

"How did you... Like how did you know he... What makes you think he might be into boys too?"

Slowly, very slowly, he had grasped that Doyoung had concluded something he never would have thought of. At least not when it came to Lucas.

Puzzled, he replied, "I don't understand. What do you mean?"

Doyoung put his phone on the table, the screen facing down.

"You just said Lucas might be into me."

A shrug, a contemplative thinking face. "I guess I just don't assume everyone is straight?"

_Damn_.

Sort of embarrassed, realizing how toxic his own assumptions had been, Jungwoo focused on the family next to them. Three kids were fighting over the last pancake. The smallest let out a scream, her brother dropped his toy and screamed back. _Kids are so weird-_

"Doyoung!" 

Immediately, Jungwoo and Doyoung both turned around.

Taeyong was standing there, pink hair disshelved, breathing heavily like he had just ran a marathon.

"What are you doing here?" Doyoung asked bewildered. Quickly, surprise turned into a clenched jaw and narrowed lips.

"I've called you at least 40 times the past two days only. You haven't answered my calls, my messages, nothing. I don't even know what I've done for you to drop me like this. I fucking deserve to know."

Mouth half opened, Jungwoo stared from Doyoung to Taeyong and back. _Please don't make a scene in public, please don't._

"How did you even know I'm here?" 

Running his fingers through his hair, still heaving, he answered, "Jungwoo tagged you in his story. The pic of the donuts."

His best friend shot Jungwoo a look that tempted him to dig his own grave right there on the spot. 

"Oh yeah, I tagged -" he halted, taking a bite of his sandwich, "Sorry."

Instantly, he regretted posting pics of their breakfast. _But it was really beautiful breakfast food._

"Let's talk sometime else, Taeyong. As you can see I'm busy."

_He did not just say that._ Jungwoo inhaled with a sharp sound.

Taeyong came a step closer, lowered his voice a little. "I just can't believe this. What is wrong with you, Doyoung. Do you think I like running after you like a stalker? Don't call yourself my friend if you treat me like this."

He buried his face in the paws of his black sweater, shook his head as if to clear his mind and glared down at Doyoung again.

"Oh, please. Shut up, Taeyong. You have no right to talk about what friendship should be like." Doyoung dropped his cutlery, fists meeting the table with a loud noise. 

People turned around, searching for the source of the commotion, but they turned back around quickly when they saw that no one was fighting. _Yet_.

"Why? Just tell me why?"

One could tell that the desperate, confused expression on Taeyong's face wasn't fake. Utmost misery has its own colors.

"Because best friends don't confess their love and then pretend it never happened. I don't fucking care how drunk you were. How many times do you wanna play that game with me?  You told me you like Jaehyun then you have one fucking drink and you act all in love with me and come morning you pretend you don't know what happened?" Doyoung turned to fully face a ghostly pale Taeyong.

"When it happened the first time I was like 'Okay, shit happens. People do dumb shit when they're wasted.' When it happened twice I told myself it was my own fault for kissing you back. But what was the shit you pulled last time? _You_ followed _me_ outside, told me you've been in love with me since we were 15 and then you turn around and follow Jaehyun home?"

Jungwoo looked around the restaurant, noticed with discomfort the people right and left awkwardly pretending they weren't witnessing the pitiful scene. 

"What am I to you? A puppet? A side hoe? Am I substituting whatever Jaehyun can't give you, 'cause he's out there trying to make it? Fuck off, Taeyong. Don't call me at 2am, crying 'bout how you're afraid you're gonna lose the competition. Don't ask me to watch you dance anymore. Stop messaging me. Go find someone who puts up with your bullshit and don't you dare to take it out on Jaehyun now. He's been in a slump since the audition, but you didn't even notice, right?"

The pink-haired boy's glassy eyes didn't tell. Still standing, his hands were formed into fists, shaking.

Despite everything Jungwoo wanted to hug him right then. He didn't. 

"Of course, you haven't noticed. You've been busy practicing. And messing up my life. Go fuck off, Taeyong. I'm tired."

When Taeyong started crying, Jungwoo could feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks too.

Shame hit him in waves. How was he calling himself Doyoung's best friend when he didn't even know what was going on in his life. All the assumptions, the times he had felt a weird vibe radiating from his best friend, he just overlooked it, thinking Doyoung would speak up about it once he felt ready. But sometimes being a good friend meant reading between the lines of unspoken words. And Jungwoo had failed miserably. 

"Taeyong, please-" Jungwoo started, offering him a tissue, but the pink-haired boy shook his head, looked at Doyoung for one last, long moment and then stormed off.

Doyoung didn't even look up. He stuffed his mouth with what was left of the burger, tears sparkling in his eyes. 

Absolutely petrified, Jungwoo gawked at him. Was he supposed to say something? Should he just stay quiet? 

"Can we go, please? Can we go somewhere we're alone?" Doyoung softly asked, avoiding Jungwoo's gaze.

"Of course, just... wait a moment." 

Jungwoo went to pay and when he came back Doyoung was already standing, ready to leave, arms crossed, expression sullen.

"Come here," Jungwoo said on their way out, pulling his friend into a hug. 

"I'm so dumb," Doyoung whimpered, close to tears.

Cold, fresh air embraced the two.

"No, you're the smartest person I know," Jungwoo hugged him again, "I love you. And no matter what happens I'm here. Okay?"

Doyoung nodded. Then, reluctantly, he said, "Taeyong hates me now, doesn't he?"

"I think he just needs time. And so do you."

Outside, ashy clouds were painted on the sky, melancholic shades of white and grey covered the morning blue. The sun had decided to hide herself, while Doyoung's heart had been shattered inside.

"Let's go to the riverside," Jungwoo suggested, firmly holding Doyoung's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a ride.  
> I hope you liked this chapter! As always I hope you're having a lovely day / night ❤️
> 
> P.S. I realized I'm not even really halfway through the plot and I've reached like 25k words already.... So, if you wanna drop this fic, now is your time; I've warned you- No, but fr, thank you for still reading ~


	10. Chapter 10

"Let's go to the riverside," Jungwoo suggested, firmly holding Doyoung's hand.

 

They skipped their morning classes, ended up sitting on the grass, skipping stones across the water and talking about all the things Jungwoo should've asked long before.

He apologized, again and again, yet every time he uttered the words he felt acid running down his throat. Pleading eyes and self-loathing tone, he asked Doyoung what he could do to make up for his stupidity. He'd do anything to get the bitter taste of guilt off his tongue.

"Nothing," Doyoung had answered with a cheerless smile, "It's fine, really. I didn't wanna talk about it back then. It's not your fault."

The soft words only bred more guilt.

Jungwoo raised his arm and threw a rock as far as he could. It caused the water to splash violently and then sunk. Circles formed where it had disappeared. Doyoung tried to throw his rock father away, eyeing the spot the other had hit.

The cold breeze bit Jungwoo, he put his hands in his pockets, thumb running over the cold skin of his knuckles. "What do you think? How do you feel now?"

"I think I'm the dumb for letting this happen. I should've handled the whole thing better. Instead I got emotional and irrational."

The second rock's distance beat the first's easily.

"I won again," Doyoung said numbly.

Cold grass tickled his neck as Jungwoo laid down, looking up at the grey sky. The colors imitated Doyoung's emotions: ashy sky, only a few lost, pale blue spots lurking in the background of dark clouds. The only thing that could've shouted heart break and misery more would've been a thunderstorm. 

His friend threw one last stone into the river and let himself fall next to Jungwoo.

"Honestly, I can't believe I didn't notice anything. So much happened between you two. How was I so blind, Doyoung?"

Tracing a goldfish shaped cloud with his fingertips he listened to the white noise of the river stream. 

"Jungwoo?"

Round puppy eyes met rabbit one's.

"I love him."

Goosebumps ran down Jungwoo's spine. Three words he'd never heard his friend say about anyone before. They rang in his ears, leaving a static sound. 

The rabbit snickered watching his reaction, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I- I just," words tumbling, he stared at a turtle shaped cloud, "That was unexpected."

Doyoung rolled on his side, rested his head on his elbow, looked down at his friend.

The dark blue cardigan he wore was way too thin for the chilly weather. Ironically, the day had started sunny, nothing had suggested the melancholic sky now above them.

_Maybe I should stop ignoring the weather forecast._

"I love Taeyong. I've always loved him, it just took me so, so long to realize it. When he told me he might have feelings for Jaehyun it dawned on me," a bitter smile appeared on Doyoung's pink lips, "I kept encouraging him to tell Jaehyun how he felt, even though the mere thought of them being together made me suffocate. And I don't mean that in a jealous, petty way. I love them both with all my heart. But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't mind."

The sound of the ever-moving water flowed into Doyoung's words, linking the sentences, creating something that sounded soothing at first but was somber in its roots.

"Doyoung, when exactly did he confess? Like how?"

_And where had I been?_

The raven-haired boy stopped playing with the dandelions he'd plucked, threw them next to the ones still proudly standing.

"Last week. After the thing with Lucas happened. Remember when we were talking on the phone? You were on your way home and I was in the bathroom. I don't remember what we talked about. But someone kept banging on the door, right? When we hung up I went back and asked who it'd been and _your new best friend_ said it was Taeyong."

At 'your new best friend' Jungwoo made a grimace, rolling his eyes.

"I asked Taeyong if he was okay, I thought he was gonna throw up or something, but he said he'd been looking for me. He pulled me outside and just... blurted out all those things. How he'd been in love with me for years now, how he was sure of it when we kissed for the first time - Oh, he was talking about our truth or dare kiss years ago. If that disgusting sloppy thing made him fall for me, it must've been much better than I remember - Well, then I asked him if he was serious. He said yes. Fast forward an hour, we... did stuff, went back inside to not make it obvious and then he fucking tells me he's gonna sleep at Jaehyun's."

Something flickered in Doyoung's eyes. Was it jealously or anger? Jungwoo couldn't tell.

"And the next morning he has the audacity to message me-" he broke off searching for his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket, fingers quickly tapping on the screen. 

"Look at this." 

 

@Doyoung 7:30am: Im at Jae's, just woke up

@Doyoung 7:32am: I won't drink ever again.

@Doyoung 7:32am: he just made me breakfast aw ♡.♡

@Doyoung 7:33am: He says ive done embarrassing things ... again... fml.

@Doyoung 7:34am: Ahhhh wait. Today around 11am at your dorm right?

 

With wide eyes Jungwoo began to fill the gaps to finally understand what was going on inside the boy he loved so much. "That's why you were so weird. Wow." 

"I did try to act like nothing had happened. Since that's what he's been doing. But I just can't do that anymore."

"You shouldn’t pretend. You deserve to know what he really feels and how many of his words were just drunk stupidity," Jungwoo's hand found its way to Doyoung's, "But keep in mind Taeyong isn't one to say things like that for fun. You know that better than I do."

Doyoung nodded in agreement, but there was still doubt hidden in the way his downcast eyes wandered over the ground.

"He's been acting different for a while now."

The rabbit-like boy sat up again, cross-legged, hands ripping out innocent grass.

"It's so frustrating. I know that he's scared. He's afraid things aren't going to work out for him. But who isn't scared, Jungwoo? I mean, we're all just trying to find something that makes us feel like we're special, aren't we?"

Jungwoo swallowed hard, taking in the words.

"And he, he's got dancing to hold on to. He's trying so hard to go for his passion. You know, to make it an actual career instead of rotting away doing a 9 to 5 he secretly hates."

Why did Doyoung's words cause something inside Jungwoo to ache? Gulping, he crossed his arms infront of his chest.

_And what am I holding on to?  What's my escape?_

Mindlessly, Doyoung continued bringing doom upon every plant and flower around him, now lining up daisies for a daisy chain.

"I'm glad he's taking dancing more serious. I really am. He's been training non-stop, yeah, but at the same time he's been more agitated and stressed than ever before. I just - I  can't let myself get hurt on his way to success. I won't let my heart become collateral damage."

Practiced fingers linked the little white flowers into a chain.

"I won't let that happen. I'll warn you before anything bad happens. I- I'll... I don't know what exactly I'm gonna do but know that I'm by your side always. Don't keep things from me anymore, please. I want to be someone you can count on all the time, at every hour. I want you to know that I'm here. Always," Jungwoo said, tone pleading.

Doyoung gave him a 'thank you' smile, squeezed his hand and continued making tiny holes into the stems of the flowers.

_Special. I'm not special. Am I? What even does it mean to be special?_

They began skipping stones again, playfully fought over the ones with the most promising shape and watched the sunlight glittering on the surface of the water. Jungwoo rambled on about nothing, words and stories pouring out of him only to distract his friend. 

A storm was coming.

Doyoung's words had triggered something inside him, had planted a seed Jungwoo couldn't yet identify.

_What am I holding on to that makes me feel special?_

 

* * *

 

A truly unexpected sight greeted the boy with the hazelnut hair upon opening the wooden door: the _demon_ was sitting on Jungwoo's bed, laptop placed on his thighs, watching something, his phone and a water bottle next to him.

Lucas looked at home.

Even stranger was that Jungwoo felt a weight lifted off his shoulders when he saw him sitting there, wearing his usual stupid smile and the cheerful expression. 

"Where have you been all day? You were gone when I woke up," pouted Lucas.

His hair was still wet and his shirt stuck to his chest awkwardly. He probably had just taken a shower. 

Looking around the place, he noticed the little bits and pieces of his roommate sprinkled everywhere. Strangely, even the smell in the air was both foreign and familiar at once.

"Out. Had class all day. I didn't expect you here yet," Jungwoo took off his shoes and threw his bag into its designated corner. "Why are you home already? What exactly happened to 'I'm only coming home for sleep'?"

Expression swiftly changing from happy to apprehensive, Lucas eyed him carefully, "I can leave if you want me to."

_Great job, asshole._

Objecting, Jungwoo shook his head. "No, no. Just... ignore me, please. Had a long day."

Without saying anything else he took his PJ's out of his closet, changed into shorts and a sweater in the bathroom and walked out again, wondering what he could cook that required less than 10 minutes preparation time and maybe wasn't that unhealthy.

"Are you hungry?" he asked his (temporary) roommate.

Lucas stopped the video he was watching. No more screams, gun sounds and laughter.

"No," he mumbled, then, louder, added, "Ah! There's leftover pizza for you in the fridge."

_That's the sweetest thing he's ever said to me._

"Nice!"

Jungwoo opened the fridge, took out the plate. Four pieces of pizza were messily stacked on top of each other. Gone was his resolution to eat something healthy. He microwaved the leftovers and jumped onto the bed, sat down next to Lucas.

"Are you seriously watching a 'Let's play'? That's so lame."

The older boy had never understood the appeal of watching someone else play instead of playing the game yourself. 

"Buy me the game and I won't watch this," Lucas suggested. 

"Nevermind, have fun watching."

Glancing at Lucas from the side Jungwoo noticed he hadn't seen the white shirt and the brown shorts on him before. Sometimes it hit him randomly: the one he was slowly getting used to expect there when he came home was the same boy he'd avoided talking to in class for months.

Jungwoo shoved half a piece of pizza in his mouth and caught Lucas trying to snatch the other half. "Noo, don't. I'm starving."

The taller boy ate the entire piece in one bite. Judgment was thick in his voice as he said, "You're being greedy, Snoopy."

"Me? Greedy? I'm sharing my entire dorm with you?'

A sudden knock at the door made them both freeze. Lucas paused the video he was watching. Jungwoo put down the plate. Both turned towards the door.

"Who's that?" Lucas mouthed.

Jungwoo shrugged, panicking slowly spreading. "How should I know?"

They listened, waited for something to happen. Then Jungwoo's phone began to vibrate.

"It's Mark," he mouthed.

The taller bend down, whispering, "Don't answer your phone now, he'll know you're here." The wet tips of his hair touched Jungwoo's forehead as he moved. The smaller one took a step back, wiping the water drops off, mentally going through all the options they had.

_I could tell him Lucas is here, but that would lead to more questions than I'd wanna answer. Lie? Ignore? Closet? Bathroom? Bathroom!_

Unnerved, he walked up and down his room. "He knows I'm home. I told him. I have to answer."

One deep inhale.

"Hi, Mark."

"Yo, I thought I'd drop by, but you're not opening the door. Are you wearing headphones?"

Jungwoo opened the door to his bathroom and gestured Lucas to walk inside. The boy's eyes widened, his face screamed, 'You can't be serious'.

But Jungwoo was very serious.

"Yeah," he forced out a fake laugh, "I really didn't hear, uh, anything. Wait, I'm-" He muted the call, looked at Lucas and said quickly, "I'll get rid of him, just give me a second."

"Dude, I'm not gonna hide in the bathroom. He's gonna notice. What if he needs to pee? You want me to hide in the shower? God, no!"

"Be quiet," Jungwoo whispered, one hand shoving Lucas inside, the other holding his phone, unmuting.

He closed the door with a prayer, ignoring the other one's whispered objections to the plan.

_Dear God, if you make this work, I promise, I'll become a better person. I'll be nicer. Work harder-_

He opened the door for his friend to come in. 

"Mark Lee!"

His friend entered with wide eyes and his arms outstretched. "What's up?" he looked around, took in the interior. "This is so awesome! Bigger than what you shared with Doyoung!"

"It is," Jungwoo mumbled, breathing unevenly.

He noticed the black bag next to his backpack. Lucas' bag. _Fuck._

And the pile of clothes on the floor next to his desk. Lucas' clothes.  _When did he get so comfortable?_

Even the boy's towel was hanging on the chair that had textbooks stacked on.

Mark fixed the black snapback covering his hair, his round eyes wandering through the place. The wrinkly yellow shirt and stained black sweats hinted at a long game session with Donghyuck, which had most likely just ended.

"Where are your One D posters though? I miss Zayn staring at me,' he stopped, turned to his friend. "Are you okay? Why did you miss class today?"

Jungwoo placed a hand on his stomach, put on a fake expression of agony. "I was sick."

"Oh, shit. Are you feeling better now?" he asked.

Casually, Mark walked towards the bathroom.

"No!" Jungwoo jumped between Mark and the door, blocking the entrance. "Don't go inside. I have... diarrhea. Really, really bad diarrhea. If you go inside now, you'll suffocate."

"Damn," taken aback, Mark cocked his head to the side. "Are you really okay? If you need - Wait. Damn. Is that a new laptop?" His eyes focused on the half-opened laptop's screen, "And you're watching a _gameplay?_ "

"Uh, yes. I mean no. No, that's actually my old laptop. And I was. Before. It helps me digest."

His friend stared at him, mouth opening and closing without saying anything. He cleared his throat. "Sometimes... you're even weirder than Donghyuck. And Chenle. And they're on a whole different level."

Jungwoo shot him a look, but it lacked strength. Mark was right after all, he was acting strange. Which was Lucas' fault. Once again.

Trying to subtly change the topic, he asked, "How's Hyuck doing?"

"He's been practicing every single instrument man has invented multiple times daily. I'm going mad. Or deaf. I don't know which first."

Still walking through the room, eyeing the books in the shelves as if he hadn't seen them a million times already, he continued, "He bought me earplugs, but I won't get a full night’s sleep till he's done."

_This is going well. He won't notice. He won't._

A loud, shattering noise filled the air. Lucas must've dropped something in the bathroom.

_I can't believe I jinxed it._

"What was-"

Jungwoo cut him off, "Oh my god. I'm not feeling good. Cramps. Stomach pain." He dropped down, holding his stomach with both hands. His breath went too quick, too deep.

 _Chill_ , he mentally scolded himself,  _You're not in labor._

His helpless friend squatted down till he reached eye level with Jungwoo. "Do you need something? Meds, food, anything?"

Jungwoo shook his head, face distorted. "Just gotta...You know."

Mark walked to the door. "I... think I'll go now. Don't wanna bother you. Uh, go empty yourself or something." He stopped, "If you need something or want me to come by just text me. I'm up all night anyway. And," he pointed towards the half-eaten pizza, "Maybe you shouldn't eat that. Get well!"

He closed the door behind himself and Jungwoo took a deep breath.

 

With a jump the giant came out the bathroom, fist raised to celebrate this moment of victory. Beaming, he roared, "I can't believe it worked! We did it!"

"Shut up, I'm still shaking. You couldn't stay quiet for a full 5 minutes, could you? What did you drop in there?"

With not even a hint of grace in his body, Lucas spiraled back into his position on the bed: laptop on his thighs, back leaning against the white wall, Snoopy plushie between the wall and his back.

" _Might_ have been your hairbrush. Sorry, man. But... tell me more about how let's plays help you digest?"

Both fell into laughter, although Jungwoo did secretly feel a bit embarrassed.

A big hand was patting on the spot where he'd sat before Mark had come by, nonverbally telling him to come back.

Settled down again, with the now cold pizza, the older of the two complained, "I'm pretty sure he's freaked out enough to avoid me till he thinks my 'diarrhea' isn't contagious anymore."

Another video was started by autoplay. A trigger was pulled and a sharp sound echoed through the room.

"Lucaaas," Jungwoo groaned, "Let's watch something that's actually fun."

"No Disney movie tonight," was the grumbled response.

The smaller laughed at him, mockingly put a hand on his back saying, "Oh, are you afraid you're gonna cry again? It's fine, I'll get you tissues-"

Lucas scoffed, "I didn't cry."

"Right, you were sobbing!"

"Shut up."

"Sob-"

The pillow hit Jungwoo's face hard, making him drop the empty plate on his sheets. For a second he didn't move. He just stared at a triumphantly smirking Lucas.

"You gonna regret that," Jungwoo said quietly.

It wasn't a playful pillow fight. It was a fight over who could kick the other off the bed first. Lucas was stronger, but Jungwoo was much quicker. With both legs he kicked the taller off the bed, feet hitting his back repeatedly. Laughing maniacally, he watched Lucas fall to the floor with a bang, head first.

"Ouch," the demon whimpered, holding up one hand in defeat. "Stop. I'm hurt."

Jungwoo dropped the water bottle he'd intended to use as a weapon and reached out to help him up again. "Seriously?"

Dramatically staring at the blood drop leaving the invisible wound, Lucas showed him a bleeding finger. 

"How did you even-" The smaller looked for whatever could've caused the wound, but found nothing but a pen and a ruler on the ground. He sighed quietly.

The need to aid the patient overshadowed his win.

"I have band aids somewhere. I'll get you one, wait."

A sharp whine. "I'll need a bandage!"

"I'm pretty sure you don't," Jungwoo laughed, opening drawers and rummaging through them till he found a little carton box. Of course, he had only those with the dinosaur print left.

"Here," he handed Lucas a band aid, but he refused to take it.

"Put it on for me. I can't do it with my left hand. I'm right handed."

Jungwoo made a noise that resembled something between being choked and gagging.

Eyebrows raised, Lucas said, "What? Is this too much for you to handle? Is your heart racing already? Loser." 

"Please, shut up," Jungwoo groaned in reply, sitting down across him.

Had his bed always been so small?

" _Thump, thump, thump_ ," Lucas imitated the sound of a racing heart, his unharmed hand hitting against his chest.

"You gonna break a rib."

He took Lucas hand in his, wondering why his own hand seemed to be so tiny in comparison.

Brown eyes sparkled, promising nothing good. "Then you'll have to put a band aid on my heart."

A shriek came from Jungwoo, he dropped Lucas hand, mock shivering. "Fucking hell, that was so gross."

There was blood all over Lucas' finger now. Something told Jungwoo that  _someone_ had squeezed every bit of blood possible out of the grain of sand sized wound while he was looking for a band aid.

_Idiot._

"Um, you're blushing, Jungwoo."

"No, I have good blood circulation in my face. I'm always red."

He ripped the paper off the plastic, put it around the long, bloody finger. He didn't look up as he tried to tease Lucas back, saying, "You're so in love with yourself. It's actually fascinating. You'd make a good subject for psychological resea-"

Before Jungwoo could grasp what Lucas was doing, he had moved forward, quicker than Jungwoo could jerk backwards, leaving only inches between their faces. 

"Does this really not make you nervous, Snoopy?" Lucas raspy voice questioned.

Eyes glued to plump lips, he slowly, very slowly, shook his head. 

"I couldn't care less?"

The lips curled up into a smirk that Jungwoo had seen too often now.

"You look like you do care though?"

With an annoyed sneer, the older boy cupped Lucas face with both hands. He pulled him closer, registered the surprise in his dark eyes, how his plump lips parted.

"Why are you so nervous, Lucas? You're blushing!" he deadpanned.

" _Thump, thump, thump_?" He mimicked a racing heart the same way the other had done just moments before.

The smirk died and was replaced with a pokerface.

Jungwoo let go of him.

_How many times had Lucas pulled these weird jokes on Kun?_

Moving away, Lucas leaned his head against the wall again, putting distance between himself and Jungwoo. The older pretended not to notice, took the laptop from his nightstand and placed it between them on the blanket.

"Anyway," he began, hoping to change the odd mood, "Watch something fun with me. No splatter, no horror movies, no porn."

"No Disney movies," Lucas added quietly.

After a five-minute discussion (Lucas wanted to watch Gravity Falls, Jungwoo Riverdale) they agreed on watching an episode of Stranger Things. But before he could even memorize the kids' names, Jungwoo felt exhaustion embrace him.

_Taeyong has dancing. Jaehyun acting. Mark writes. And Doyoung will one day own Tesla and Microsoft. But what will I do? Sleep? Eat? Repeat?_

Jungwoo couldn't make himself focus on the things happening on the screen. After a while, he felt the weight of Lucas head on his right shoulder. He looked down, saw half opened eyes looking up at him through dark eyelashes. The faint smell of Lucas' just washed hair reminded him that they were using the same shampoo.

_Strange._

"Jungwoo?"

In response, he mumbled a "Hm?"

"Why did you skip class today?" the husky voice asked in an unusually quite voice.

"I-" he considered lying but decided against it. There was no reason to lie. "A Doyoung emergency happened."

"And why didn't you just tell me? You said you had class all day."

He shrugged, slightly lifting Lucas head with the motion. "I don't know."

Jungwoo's tongue was heavy, the darkness surrounding the two comforting his tiredness.

"Please, don't lie to me. Even if it's just small stuff. I hate it."

A nod. Eyes closing automatically.

 

Before the first episode ended both were fast asleep already. Lucas using Jungwoo's arm as pillow and the smaller burying his face somewhere between Lucas chest and the mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's me Shila,, I hope yall doing well & are surviving the heat and the NCT drought ♡  
> I hope you liked this chapter ~ Have a lovely dayyy


	11. Chapter 11

Before he opened his eyes, he felt the weight of someone else's arm around his torso, warm skin on his, body heat exchanging under the thin blanket. At first, he sensed nothing but the overwhelming sensation of heat surrounding him. Sweat drops were running down his neck in sprints. Eventually comprehension followed.

He was sharing the bed with someone. Terrified of whose arm might be around his neck, he looked up, hesitating.

_Oh my..._

The sun was up just enough to allow Jungwoo to recognize the closed eyes and the mouth formed to an unintended pout. His eyes wandered over the dark eyebrows, the softly curved nose, full pale pink lips and honey-like skin on which sweat glistened like glitter.

_God. No._

Unable to move he went through the night before, the show they'd watched, the things they'd said. Jungwoo couldn't remember how they'd fallen asleep. They must have knocked out unexpectedly, because there was no way he'd allow this to happen with a tiny bit of consciousness reigning in his brain.

The desire to leave hit him. His eyes were still resting on Lucas face. He couldn't get up. Not yet. Thoughts spinning, his eyes automatically found their way back to the inviting lips.

Lucas was always beautiful, at least when he wasn't telling terrible jokes or annoying anyone, but right now he was stunning in every sense of the word.

Golden sun rays fell through the curtains, forming parallel lines of light on his face. Shadow and light were playing on the boy's cheeks, brown hair became a frame creating a portrait so beautiful it would've made any artist rage in jealousy.

Jungwoo didn't want to destroy something so otherworldly, but there was no way he could wriggle out of the other's embrace without waking him up. So he didn't move. Chewing on the inside of his cheeks, he stared at the sleeping one. 

What exactly was he doing? Well, nothing. Breathing? Experiencing what it's like to sleep in someone's arms for the first time? Even if it had happened by accident, it had to count, right? 

Being twenty years old and never having been in a serious relationship sure did have its downsides. It wasn't really bothering him usually. Jungwoo hadn't even tried getting closer to anyone the past two years. Not since he had watched his heart shatter into thousand pieces, while the one he'd fallen in love with laughed at his pain.

They say 'one gets used to the pain', 'time heals all wounds', but Jungwoo had long learned the truth. Time doesn't heal anything. You only get used to the pain and start putting bandaids on broken legs, fooling yourself.

But then he'd fallen for Kun and Kun was different.

The prince with the perfect smile, the gentle voice, always soft-spoken and friendly, not at all like the ghost of his past still breathing down his neck whenever he felt lonely. He'd found someone he thought he might really, really like one day. Maybe even love.

And then he let Kun's best friend, who secretly was in love with Kun too, move in and fell asleep in his arms.

_Wow. What kinda twist._

What exactly was he doing with Lucas? It felt like they were getting used to each other in a rapid speed, much faster than it usually took Jungwoo to let people in. But Lucas had that way about him, the childlike innocence mixed with a natural rawness, that made it so easy to develop trust in him, even though trusting people wasn't really Jungwoo's strength. Was this a purpose driven relationship only? A bed for Lucas and a date with Kun for Jungwoo? He'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy Lucas presence.

Maybe they could become good friends. Somehow. 

Still, there was this tiny, nagging voice somewhere deep inside him, shouting that  _good_ friends didn't fall asleep in each other's arms and didn't wake up with racing hearts, but Jungwoo only blamed his inexperienced heart for that. Truthfully, the slightest touch could make him get his hopes up high and the simplest things painted his face scarlet.

Just how Lucas' twitching nose made him smile sheepishly now.

Eyelashes were fluttering in such a small movement, one wouldn't have noticed without paying utmost attention to the sleeping boy's face. Lucas made a humming sound. Immediately Jungwoo closed his eyes tightly, only opening them again once he was sure the other was still asleep. 

What should he do? _Nothing_. 

He buried his face deeper in the mattress and rolled into Lucas' arms, stealing his body heat, while Lucas unknowingly stole his first time sleeping in a boy's arms.

 

* * *

 

 

The absence of body heat was the first thing he was aware of as he woke up again. Jungwoo was freezing. Lucas was gone. And so was the blanket. Only two pillows were left on the otherwise empty mattress. 

It must have been late morning, judging by the brightness in the room and the noise breaking in through the opened window. It sounded like they were blowing up a building outside.

 _Wait, why is the window open?_ Sleepy, Jungwoo sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

Lucas was lying on the floor, awake and on his phone, hiding under the thin blanket. He'd used the Snoopy plushie as his pillow again. 

"What is happening outside?" Jungwoo wondered loudly, still not really awake.

Grinning disturbingly happy for someone who'd just woken up, Lucas said, "Construction work!"

_Wait, didn't he... Didn't we?_

Slowly he asked, "Uh, when did we fall asleep last night?"

"You feel asleep watching Stranger Things. I went to bed after finishing the episode."

"Oh?" He stopped himself from saying what was on his mind, narrowed his eyebrows in thought.

_Really?_

Lucas ran his fingers through his messy hair, facing his phone again. "I didn't wanna wake you up, so I just rolled down. Sorry, I stole your blanket."

Had he been dreaming? But why on earth would he dream of Lucas sleeping next to him?

"No, it's fine," he mumbled, hiding his confusion. "So, you slept on the floor... the whole night? I mean on the hard ground."

Lucas nodded, typing a hundred words per minute with immense focus.

"Your back must be aching?"

A shrug. "I'm fine."

Jungwoo fell back into his bed, face first, frustration building. Was he losing his mind? Lately it felt like it. He wasn't exactly in perfect condition before Lucas came around, but ever since he'd moved in he'd started doubting himself and his perception of reality even more.

_Wait, wait, wait. It even smells like him. My bed smells like fucking Lucas himself. Why is he lying? But he slept in my bed the night before yesterday- No, I'm sure he rolled down when he woke up. Took the blanket and Snoopy. Pretends it didn't happen. Great. He'd rather lie than fall asleep next to me. Wow._

Thunderous noise ever present in the small flat, and Jungwoo brooding in a corner of his bed, Lucas got up and closed the window after cursing at the people who decided to start working right outside their building before 12pm. 

_He must've been disgusted. I must have looked so ugly he ran off._

"Tea?" asked the husky morning voice from across the room. Jungwoo nodded, glaring at the source of the sound.

Lucas stood infront of Jungwoo's lousy excuse of a pantry, pulled out the container that had TEA written in big black letters on it and asked, "Which one?"

"Peppermint. Add one spoon honey, please."

The next three minutes the tall boy rummaged through all the shelves looking for honey. Jungwoo didn't feel the need to tell him that it was right infront of him between the cereal and the rice bag. Pretending not to notice the other's quest for the jar, he feigned watching something on his phone. In truth, he attentively watched the giant, who was surprisingly nearly as tall as the shelves, boil water, make tea, spill tea, wipe his honey-covered hands on his black shorts, drop a spoon and shriek because he touched the hot tea cups before they could cool down.

By the time the cup of tea (and a pack of unopened chocolate chip cookies) were handed over to Jungwoo, he couldn't help but smile.

"You're not doing a lot of housework usually, am I right?" Jungwoo questioned with a grin. 

Lucas sat down on the edge of the bed with enough space between the two to not touch, but close enough for him to reach the cookies. He held the cup with the print 'All hail the mighty glow cloud' up, giving it a long, skeptical 'Do I have to understand this? Or am I glad I don't?'-look. Attention shifting back to Jungwoo one corner of his mouth turned up to a smile and he replied, "No, not really. I barely do - did - stuff around the house."

Teasingly, the older said, "Was kinda obvious."

"There are more important things in the world than cooking."

"Yeah, cause eating and staying alive is overrated."

Lucas rolled his eyes, took a tiny sip, but stuck out his tongue right after. "Damn. just burned my tongue. Don't worry about my survival. As long as instant noodles and cereal exist I'll be fine." With a smile that he knew was irresistible he added, "I wouldn't mind getting cooking classes from you, though."

Jungwoo raised both eyebrows. "And in return?"

"I'd bless you with my presence and eat with you."

Jungwoo was about to throw a pillow but decided against it given that his roommate was holding a hot beverage. Although, for a moment that made the idea more tempting.

"Yeah, I think not." Looking at the time on his phone Jungwoo informed him, "Doyoung should be here soon."

"Uh, should I go hide in the bathroom again or something?" Lucas looked at him with helpless, confused puppy eyes, the thought of his last stay in the tiny space probably still haunting him.

Chuckling, Jungwoo shook his head. "No, he knows you're here. I mean, live here. Temporary."

The younger boy's eyes darkened, he gulped visibly.

The older continued quickly, "Doyoung doesn't know why nor any details. Don't worry. He knows you're staying over for a while. That's it." 

"And Doyoung, the 'I'm basically Jungwoo's guardian'-Doyoung, didn't ask why?"

"Of course he did," Jungwoo sighed, "But I didn't tell him. And he was okay with it. 'Cause he trusts me."

"Okay," was the brief reply.

A pause. Then Lucas disclosed, "I've thought of something."

_Oh, no._

"Next time we're at Johnny's or Ten's," he stopped, purposely building suspense, "pretend you're drunk and fall into Kun's lap."

The proud look on Lucas face was ... sad.

_He really thinks he came up with something._

"That's so innovative. Pretend to be drunk and do something you usually wouldn't. Why do I feel like I've seen that gone wrong a hundred times. Oh, because I have. On Netflix."

Lucas snorted, "I'm trying."

"Try harder."

Quietly they finished their drinks while eating half the bag of cookies and listening to the construction work outside. 

"I think this is the longest you've not said a word around me."

He was so used to Lucas loud voice constantly chatting that he wasn't accustomed to the quiet. It felt strange, kind of awkward. It made him nervous.

Lucas shrugged, did his infamous hairflip. "I don't really talk _that_ much." 

"You do," Jungwoo corrected him, "You're quite... talkative." 

 _Annoying_ , he swallowed.

Between taking bites of another cookie, Lucas mumbled, "I don't know. Mostly when I'm nervous? Or stressed?"

"So, you're always nervous around me," Jungwoo teased him.

Head tilted to the side, Lucas gave him a soft smile. "Yeah, I can barely breathe when you're around." 

Even though Jungwoo knew that he was joking it made his heart skip a beat. It was the first time someone had directed words like that towards him. Embarrassment spread in his stomach.

 _Please don't blush_.

Out of nowhere, before Jungwoo had a chance to protest, Lucas grabbed his phone from the nightstand and unlocked the screen. 

"I'll give you my number and send myself a message so I have yours," he typed quickly, not letting Jungwoo interrupt him. "I realized yesterday that I couldn't text you. I wanted to ask you what pizza toppings you like. Anyways," he threw him his phone back, "Don't stalk me, don't send nudes."

The older looked at the screen. Lucas had saved his own number under 'Hottest guy in my contacts'. Not surprised, Jungwoo grimaced. The first message sent from his phone to Lucas' were four emojis: three eggplants and a fist. He put his phone down, frowning.

"I hate you."

In return, Lucas mockingly threw him a kiss, then went back to stare at his phone.

Pointing at the empty cup in Lucas lap, Jungwoo said, "Give me that" and went to get yesterday's dirty plates from his desk. While he did the dishes and vacuumed, Lucas made the bed and left to shower. 

As the door closed and he heard water run inside, Jungwoo changed into jeans and a black shirt. Doyoung could be here any minute so he had no time to shower. "Tonight, tonight," he mumbled to himself, both hands throwing clothes on the ground. He'd much rather shower while Lucas wasn't home. Unhappy, Jungwoo eyed the mess on the floor. He couldn't find his favorite denim jacket. It was huge, worn out and just perfect. And definitely not in his closet.

A soft knock distracted him from going through every possible place he could've forgotten the jacket at. He opened the door and fell into his best friend's embrace.

"I missed you," Jungwoo whined, "And I need your help. I can't find my denim jacket."

Doyoung, carefully exploring the room with his rabbit eyes, hesitantly walked in patting his friend's back. "Wow, it... smells like something really aggressive in here."

"Just say it's Lucas' perfume," Jungwoo laughed.

At this point he wasn't smelling it anymore, he'd gotten used to it.

Doyoung mouthed, "Is he here?"

Jungwoo nodded towards the bathroom. The water wasn't running anymore.

It was a different building, a different room, nonetheless with Doyoung around it felt like his old dorm, the place he'd called home for two years. He had really missed him, even though they had seen each other only yesterday. Whenever confusion and frustration governed Jungwoo's mind, it was his friend who he longed to talk to the most. It was as if Jungwoo's brain was a map which Doyoung could navigate through better than Jungwoo himself.

As expected, Doyoung found the jacket in less than two minutes (most likely because he'd been the one putting it in Jungwoo's suitcase). He sat on the bed, suspiciously watching the bathroom door like a hunter waiting for his prey. In a whisper tone he asked, "And? How is it?"

"How is what?" replied Jungwoo, packing his bag for the day. He'd nearly forgotten his folder. Once again he crossed everything off the checklist inside his head.

_Books? Check. Pens. Check. Water bottle. Packed. Wallet-_

"Living with him, of course."

Jungwoo got on the bed, put his head on Doyoung's lap, his feet against the wall. "It's okay. He's nice, cleans after himself, doesn't come home late. He likes the movies I like. So, better than I expected."

"Good for you, because I'm going to murder Yuta in his sleep soon-"

The door jerked open and Lucas walked out proud like a peacock. Jungwoo held his breath to not burst into laughter. 

Grey boxers were visible under the black ripped jeans. Lucas was shirtless and something told Jungwoo he was very well aware of his toned upper body. With every move he flexed, looking like he was ready to shoot a commercial.

_Fucking try-hard._

"Oh, hi Doyoung" Lucas said, acting surprised. 

_There's no way he didn't hear us talk from inside the bathroom._

Doyoung greeted back, eyes wide. He was staring at Lucas.

"So, when will you visit your parents again?" his friend asked, subtly changing the topic. His rabbit eyes were focused on Lucas' bare back.

"I don't know, it's a four hour drive and I have so much to do on the weekends."

When Doyoung didn't stop staring Jungwoo put a hand around his neck and tilted his friend's head down. "Uh - What was I saying? Oh, yeah. What if we go together again? We could next month if you want to," Doyoung suggested, peaking up whenever he thought Jungwoo wasn't noticing.

"Depends. Maybe if I finish the paper on Deontology early."

Excruciatingly slow the tall boy changed into a sweater he pulled out of the lowest shelf in the closet. They had agreed on it being his for now. Once he was dressed, after making a show of getting into the sweater in slow-motion, he turned towards the two, opened his mouth to say something but didn't.

Instead, Doyoung spoke. "What exactly are you studying, Lucas? I think you told me once, but I forgot."

"History major, sports minor." His lips formed a wide grin and Jungwoo could tell it was fake. He wasn't sure what he found more striking: Lucas being like _this_ for no reason or him being able to distinguish Lucas' fake and real smiles already. 

"Gotta go," the one standing announced with another fake smile, grabbing his backpack. "Bye, Doyoung. Bye, Snoopy. Have fun."

As the cheesy nickname left his lips both Jungwoo and Doyoung froze.

_Not. In. Public._

Lucas slammed the door shut. 

"Snoopy? Wow. W-o-w!" Hand infront of his mouth, Doyoung chortled. "What do you call him? Daddy bear?"

"You're blowing this out of proportion," Jungwoo said through gritted teeth.

His friend pushed his head off his lap, jumped off the bed and began walking in circles. "Either I'm surrounded by idiots or y'all like to act dumb. He's calling you _Snoopy_? That's so cute and gross at the same time."

"I told you he's into someone else."

"Yeah, well even if that was the case - and I still don't believe it - I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing your bed."

Groaning, Jungwoo hid his face in the pillow only to be inhaling Lucas' perfume. _I should change the sheets._

Memories of last night flashed through his mind. Should he tell Doyoung? But he wasn't even one hundred percent sure it had happened. He'd pour fuel into a fire that didn't exist.

"Does he always walk around shirtless? If yes, tell him I'm looking for a roommate. Or that I'll be looking for one once I've killed Yuta."

"Don't. Please."

It was awkward hearing Doyoung speak about Lucas like that. It felt wrong.

"I'm just saying I wouldn't mind it at all. And it would affect my ability to think straight. Actually, that explains why you've been so weird." Walking in circles, picking up random objects and putting them back where they belong, Doyoung contemplated loudly. "Thinking 'bout it, Taeyong's flat ass really can't compare. Maybe me and Lucas -"

Patience running thin, Jungwoo interrupted him, throwing him an irritated look. "You disgust me."

"No, he disgusts me." Dramatically Doyoung fell back on the bed.

Confusion was displayed on Jungwoo's face. "Lucas?"

"Taeyong, of course. Well, Lucas too. Not as much as Taeyong though."

"Did he write you yesterday?"

"Nope," his friend pulled out his phone, checked his notifications. "Stopped completely. We went from 40 messages to zero. Jaehyun wrote me last night asking if Taeyong has locked himself in the studio again. I said I don't know."

Jungwoo hugged the Snoopy plushie. Even that thing smelled like Lucas.

"Do you plan on telling Jae?"

Still staring at the ceiling his friend shook his head. "I have to think it through first."

The 'leave now unless you wanna be late' alarm on Jungwoo's phone went off. "We should get going," he said to his friend, "At least if you wanna get something at Tai's before class."

The rabbit hopped up. "You think I'd survive Environmental Law without a double espresso?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst, I hope you're doing well ♡  
> Sooo.. this is the first real fanfic I've ever written & I really wanna improve. So if there's anything you wanna give feedback on please never hesitate to do so!! Only that way this story can get better ~
> 
> ILU thank you for reading & remember to take care of yourself ♡


	12. Chapter 12

@Jungwoo 2:03pm: whats up

@Hottestboyinmycontacts 2:05pm: ... class (๑•́ ω •̀๑)

@Jungwoo 2:05pm: cool what you wearing ;P

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:06pm: ihu

@Jungwoo 2:06pm: did u and Doyoung have fun this morning :)

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:10pm: stop messaging me.

@Jungwoo 2:11pm: Im bored

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:14pm: wyd ｰ(°◇°〃)

@Jungwoo 2:14pm: lib

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:15pm: go work then ( 。•_• 。)

@Jungwoo 2:16pm: y r u sending those ugly symbols????

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:18pm: they are cute ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

@Jungwoo 2:19pm: they scream I'm a weeb

@Jungwoo 2:20pm: anyway send me smth nice to motivate me ;)

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:23pm: okay ୧( ˵ ° ~ ° ˵ )୨

 

Jungwoo sent him the link to the Pokemon opening song and put his phone back into his pocket. 

"Why are you smiling," Mark asked him suspiciously. 

Jungwoo shook his head, motioned towards the prof explaining construction and reimagination of the middle ages in _Ivanhoe._ The old man's voice was monotonous and his eyes dead. He'd probably already said the exact same thing using the exact same words a hundred times before. Jungwoo imagined what it must be like to repeat the same monologue again every semester; same topic, same rhetorical questions, only the disinterested faces staring back at him with glassy eyes changing.

Sisyphus was blessed with a gentler curse in comparison.

"Kill me," Mark whispered, his forehead meeting the table. 

_10 more minutes._

Jungwoo couldn't imagine himself teaching. But what exactly would he do later on with a philosophy and English degree? There's probably a queue at McDonald's for people with philosophy degrees looking for a paid job. "Follow your heart" his parents had told him. "You're always going to find a job" they'd reassured him. But now, he'd changed from Finances and Accounting to what he was truly interested in and he felt even more lost.

With a frustrated sigh Jungwoo poked his friend, forcing him to look up. "Wanna grab lunch later?"

Seagull eyebrows narrowed, Mark replied, "Can't, I promised Chenle to study with him."

_Traitor_.

Jungwoo leaned back in the chair, feigning interest, putting on an engaged mask, took notes again.

It's magical how time works. Sometimes ten minutes fly by leaving a bitter taste of 'I should've gotten up earlier' and 'Why am I always missing the damn bus' in your mouth, and then they can feel like a whole day compressed into a short interval of infinity, torturous and never-ending.

When the prof closed his book with a smash both Jungwoo and Mark jumped. 

"Assignments are due tomorrow night. One minute after midnight and you'll fail this course." Directed at the boy in the first row who immediately raised his hand, he added, "Yes, even you Mr. Meyer. No exceptions."

"Imagine being that much of an asshole," Mark mumbled. He crammed his books in his backpack, then pulled his headphones out. Mark's headphones were holy to him. He always either wore them around his neck or had them in the front pocket of his bag, always in reach.

Jungwoo checked his notifications, carefully keeping his phone's screen away from his friend's eyes. 

 

@Jungwoo 2:26pm: really??? Pokemon???

@Jungwoo 2:27pm: okay but I don't wanna be the very best, I AM the very best 

@Jungwoo 2:32pm: great you made me accidentally sing out loud to the opening in the lib are you happy now?

 

Without texting Lucas back the hazelnut haired boy got up and on his way to the cafeteria. 

"Wait for me," Mark shouted behind him. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

 

* * *

 

 

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:47pm: I hope someone took a vid and makes u a meme

@Hottestguyinmycontacts 2:47pm: also go study ٩(ó｡ò۶ ♡)))

@Jungwoo 2:48pm: hopefully 

@Jungwoo 2:48pm: im pretty enough to go viral

@Jungwoo 2:48pm: maybe Ellen is gonna invite me

@Jungwoo 2:49pm: and wow so ur already sending me hearts?

 

"Jungwoo?" 

The boy's eyes landed on Kun's handsome face.  _Oh my god._

"Hey!" Jungwoo smiled at him shyly. "How are you?"

Kun pulled the chair out, sat down across Jungwoo, placing his backpack on the empty seat to his right and his tray on the table. "Good, good. Actually, no. I just had three history classes in a row, my brain isn't functioning anymore. You?"

A soft curling up of Jungwoo's lips, a shrug. "Same as always."

The boy with the black hair and smiling eyes rolled up the sleeves of his pastel blue sweater. "How come I never see you around anymore?"

_Because I avoid places I know you might be at._

"We used to run into each other nearly every day!"

_Because I bribed Doyoung to get Taeyong to talk Ten into secretly taking a pic of your time table._

Oh, the time he had invested in figuring out which classes Kun took, where he had lectures and how to  _coincidentally_  run into him five times a day. Jungwoo had filled his evenings with scheming and planning. He had dived into his crush head first but had forgotten how to swim.

Less than a week later Doyoung sat down with him, telling him how stalker-like and worrisome the whole thing had become and Jungwoo stopped instantly. Being intrigued by something or someone without falling into a spiral of obsession and detachment from reality was something the boy still had to learn. 

Eyelashes fluttering innocently, Jungwoo simpered, "Yeah, it’s so weird. But that's school, right? The campus can be big or tiny depending on who you want to avoid - I mean meet."

"That's true," Kun nodded, chewing a spoonful of rice. "How have you been lately? Is everything going well?"

"We still have time till the exams, it's been okay," Jungwoo said, fidgeting in his seat.

Appetite gone, he couldn't make himself eat his sandwich nor his donut which had looked so seductive just minutes ago. Now the pink frosting looked too much and the chocolate sprinkles pitiful. 

Why was making eye contact with the boy sitting less than a meter away from him so difficult? Jungwoo couldn't look at him directly; he avoided his face the same way one would avoid looking at the sun. He kept exploring the things around Kun, stared at the people passing by, the girls sitting in the corner, the food on other people's trays, only Kun's eyes he barely met.

"Since I've started the job at the cinema I haven't had time for anything else. It's so time-consuming. I've even started bringing summaries of whatever I have to review to study when there are no customers. Can you imagine that?"

Watching him eat was hypnotizing. Nodding along to his every word, Jungwoo lost himself in thoughts again. He imagined Kun standing behind the popcorn machine, his neatly written notes hidden in a corner, mumbling the things he had to learn by heart to himself.

A tiny bit too late to keep the conversation flowing he said, "Is it fun? Do you get free popcorn?"

Kun grinned, "It's definitely fun. And yes, sometimes." 

"That's a job to keep," Jungwoo deadpanned. After a moment's pause he added, "How is, uh, Lucas? I usually always meet you two together."

He stopped before saying _Lucas_  as if it took him some time to remember the name. Jungwoo had spoken before he'd processed what he was about to say. Taken aback he halted, realizing how easily the words left his lips, how easily he could weave a web of lies. When did he get so good at all that?

"Good, I think. We've rarely seen each other since I've started working." Kun offered him an apple, but Jungwoo politely shook his head. He still hadn't touched his own food.

Curiosity winning over caution, Jungwoo asked, "You two get along really well, right?"

"Yeah, he's kind of like a little brother."

"You're nearly the same age though?" the hazelnut haired one said. A question, but it sounded like a statement.

"I know, but it still feels like it? It's fun, he's really... something. Chenle and Renjun always tease me saying I'm being too motherly towards him but I can't help it."

_Did Lucas just get son-zoned?_

At a loss for words he gave Kun an awkward smile. He took a bite of his donut to have a reason not to talk. Completely oblivious of the confusion inside Jungwoo, Kun laughed, "Talking about him made me miss him, wow. I should call him later."

"You should," was the whisper of a reply, a faint echo of mystification ringing between the words.

_He's kind of like a little brother._

Somehow, he felt weird. He shouldn't have asked about Lucas, shouldn't have initiated this turn of conversation. But now he was staring at Kun with a fast beating heart and nothing to say.

To look busy Jungwoo took his phone out and opened Instagram. He swiped away all message notifications without looking at them. He didn't want Lucas to barge into his thoughts like an uninvited guest anymore.

After a while he sneaked a glance at Kun. He too was looking at his phone while finishing the food infront of him.

Jungwoo tried to find something witty to say, stumbling over conversation topics and cute remarks in his head, but his mouth stayed closed.

"Can you believe I have another class in 10 minutes? My schedule this semester is a mess," Kun let his spoon fall on his empty plate. "But I couldn't have made it work with my part time jobs otherwise. Don't pick 8am classes, Jungwoo. It doesn't matter how motivated you are, they are always a bad idea."

Wordlessly, Jungwoo smiled.

Kun stood up and placed an apple on Jungwoo's tray.

"I have to go and copy these," he lifted a stack of paper, "Take care, Jungwoo! I hope we'll run into each other again soon!"

He left with a giggle, waving. 

Just as quickly as he had appeared he was gone again. Kun's bright presence had left a dark cloud over Jungwoo's head. It hadn't gone well at all. Jungwoo had barely been _really_ present. When he had the chance to be cute, to flirt, to just say _something_ , he'd scrolled through Instagram looking at memes.

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

He'd been daydreaming about this opportunity for weeks nonstop and now only 'what ifs' and 'I should'ves' accumulated inside his head. Frustrated, Jungwoo finished his entire tray (and Kun's apple) in the blink of an eye. When his phone started buzzing again, he turned it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a shorter chapter, bc the next one is gonna be long,,  
> pls dont think I dont respect philosophy students or smth uhhh im one myself LMAO  
> I hope you're doing well ♡ Take careee ~


	13. Chapter 13

Kun's words kept echoing in Jungwoo's head, intrusive thoughts haunting him relentlessly.

The day passed with Jungwoo detached from his surroundings, everything somewhat blurry. Lost in his own world he wandered home, taking a longer route than usual to have some time to think, but looking back everything was foggy. 

Sometimes things were like that with him. Sometimes days got lost in a spiral of nothing and hours passed like minutes and all he could remember later on was the song he was listening to on loop. He tried to make the best of it, but he still felt like a failure. Somehow others managed to deal with their lives without taking days off to process thoughts. Not him though.

That evening taking a nap turned into falling asleep before the sun had set. The next morning Jungwoo woke up around 7am to Lucas softly snoring. He left to do homework in the library long before Lucas' alarm rang. 

Jungwoo ignored all the 30 messages he'd gotten overnight except for Doyoung's. He texted him back, telling him that he was fine, only really, really tried and not in the mood to talk. 

Another day fell into the void, a morning filled with classes and a noon overflowing with dry assignments and dusty, heavy textbooks. In between assignments Jungwoo pulled his diary out, filling the coffee-stained notebook with words he'd never say out loud. 

Isn't it weird how your mind can be filled with the wildest, most abstract thoughts, with ideas and things far beyond what one would guess to exist behind a exhausted smile and a "I'm tired"? That was what Jungwoo's diary was for: a place to spill out all he couldn't understand about himself and life. That day there was plenty he didn't understand about himself.

Came evening, and the presence of Lucas' vigorous self, Jungwoo felt a change. The feeling of disconnecting with reality, of everything being surreal ceased. 

Was that why he feared living alone so much? Doyoung knew how to distract him from it. Whatever washed over him from time to time, removing him from the intensity of life, it ceased to prevail in company. And right now, said company was a wide, bright smile and brown eyes that marveled at the movie playing on the screen. 

The tall boy didn't seem to notice Jungwoo's quietness. It wasn't like Jungwoo could reach Lucas level of liveliness in any way, he always was the quieter one. Tonight, he enjoyed having Lucas loud voice around more than any time before. But in the presence of him Kun's words became louder and louder, too.

When he and Lucas watched 'Inception' and discussed the movie afterwards, both of them didn't understand the ending, Kun's face appeared in Jungwoo's mind and gave him the gentle Disney prince smile. When Lucas made a list of their favorite foods a red apple flashed infront of his eyes. 

Was he losing it? Or was he simply jealous?

No, it wasn't jealousy. Nor the desire to have a bond as deep as Lucas' with Kun. It was compassion, Jungwoo assumed. There was Lucas, innocently living with his unrequited love and Kun who was absolutely unaware of everything. He couldn't help but feel bad watching their mess. 

 

So, right after Jungwoo had gotten ready for bed, he mustered all his courage and asked Lucas the question that had infiltrated his thoughts since he'd met the other boy in the canteen.

"Lucas, have you thought about confessing to Kun lately?"

Lucas, cross-leggedly sitting on Jungwoo's bed, let his phone fall into his lap. "What?" He stared at his roommate, bewildered. 

"I think you should." The smaller put his fringe up with a hair clip, secretly observing Lucas' reflection in the mirror. With a deep inhale he began, "I saw him yesterday morning. We talked a bit. He sounded so motherly talking about you. He told me how much you mean to him and stuff. I don't know, I felt bad."

"Motherly? What does that even mean?" Lucas crossed his arms infront of his chest. "And why would _you_ feel bad?"

Seeing him go into defense mode right away, Jungwoo regretted bringing the topic up. He should've timed the conversation better. Plus, right now he was looking like a long lost family member of _the Trolls_  and that sure did hurt his confidence. 

With a voice that was barely more than a whisper, he explained. "Don't you think it's... sad? He hasn't any clue what's going on. Maybe you should tell him. Maybe it'll change something."

Lucas raised both eyebrows in confusion. He didn't look angry, he seemed to be genuinely surprised. "Tell me, did you confess _your_ feelings for him right there on the spot? Because if you 'felt bad' for me, you should feel bad for yourself too and actually do something about it, right? 'Maybe it'll change something.'"

Hands in the pockets of his sweats, Jungwoo turned to face Lucas directly. "Don't be like this. I didn't say I pitied you or something. I just felt bad."

The scoff leaving Lucas mouth wasn't one longing for instant reconciliation. "Jungwoo, what's wrong with you? Did you think I was gonna be like 'Oh my god! You've opened my eyes! I'm totally gonna go confess to Kun now! Thank you so much!' What exactly am I supposed to do with the info that he has 'motherly' feelings for me and you feel 'bad'?"

Jungwoo walked through his tiny flat with no clear purpose. This conversation had gone downhill really quick.

_I should've just shut up and minded my own business._

"Stop snapping at me for nothing. You know I mean no harm. I just don't want you to suffer silently."

"I don't know what's going on right now, but maybe you're just projecting your own silent suffering onto me? Does that sound familiar? Maybe instead  _you_ should gather some confidence and confess?" Lucas said, expression calm, although his hands were clenched into tight fists. 

The words hit Jungwoo like a blow to the stomach. Immediately his eyes filled with tears. He didn't respond, he knew his voice would fail him.

Staring at the floor, Lucas mumbled, "I didn't mean that."

"No, I think you said just what you meant. I know I'm a mess. An insecure loser, can't even open my mouth when needed. Always sulking in the corner, 'cause self-pity is so damn nice. But maybe I'll gather some confidence and -" he didn't finish the sentence. 

_\- kick you out._

He stormed into the bathroom, closing the door with a shut. Inside, he splashed cold water on his face, trying to sort crowded thoughts. It was no use, he only felt himself getting angrier and angrier. With a "God, I hate him," he walked out again, ready to face the other. 

Lucas hadn't moved an inch.

"Okay, listen to me. First- First of all, you're the most useless wingman ever. What have you done for me besides that one stupid study-date that you yourself ruined? Nothing. We made a deal, but somehow I'm the only one doing what was promised." Jungwoo walked up to face Lucas, who resembled a hurt puppy cowering on the bed, staring him down. "Tell me you're not running from our deal because of your feelings for Kun. Tell me you're okay with having feelings for him and helping me out."

Without a second's hesitation came the reply. "I'm okay with helping you despite my feelings for Kun."

Either Lucas was a much better liar than Jungwoo could judge or he was really telling the truth.

Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Second, don't psychoanalyze me, please. Don't say those things. Keep that stuff to yourself. I'm serious. I hate it. "

The boy with the messy brown hair looked up at him with sad eyes. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I was stupid and mad and I said it without thinking." 

With his left hand Lucas patted on the mattress, and, almost out of habit Jungwoo followed their pattern, crawled next to the sulky giant and took a pillow into his arms.

"But, why were you talking about me with Kun in the first place? That's so weird."

"I don't know. Was dumb," Jungwoo whispered.

Lucas wrapped the blanket around himself like a cape. If he had the chance, he probably would've run away right now. But he was sitting still and Jungwoo was somehow grateful for that.

Wavering, the taller one said, "Sometimes I don't understand you at all. It's hard for me to think like you. And when you talk about yourself like you're that really useless person I always wanna kick your ass. Stop doing that, it makes me so mad."

Face sour, Jungwoo protested, "Uh, wait a second. Hypocrite much? You made fun of me for my non-existent confidence 5 minutes ago-"

Quickly, Lucas interrupted him, "I know what I said and I told you it was dumb and something only a giant asshole would say."

"Agreed."

More puppy than human, Lucas (and the cape-blanket) inched closer. "So, you're not gonna kick me out?" he asked in his sweetest voice.

_Manipulative jerk._

"Depends. Will you clean the bathroom and wash the dishes tonight?"

Lucas put some space between them again, rolling his eyes. "Alright, man."  

Jungwoo pulled Lucas up with both hands, ushering him away from the bed to the bathroom.

"Use the cleaning stuff that's behind the laundry basket. Don't use the blue bottle, that's bleach. And try to keep quiet, I wanna sleep."

Lucas shot him a glare, but Jungwoo knew he didn't mean it. 

He watched the tall boy enter the small bathroom and halt immediately. He turned around. "Jungwoo," a mess of brown hair peaked through the bathroom door. "Don't bring the Kun topic up again, please. I have my own way of dealing with it." Some time passed before he continued, voice deeper this time. "And there's something else I wanted to tell you. If there's anything you wanna talk about, I'm here. Literally. Right across the room. I know I'm not Doyoung or Kun, but I can listen. Just keep that in mind."

A nod from Jungwoo, a door closing quietly.

The hazelnut-haired boy buried his face in the pillow and tried falling asleep to the sound of Lucas cleaning.

 

* * *

 

@Jungwoo 10:40am: my turn

@Jungwoo 10:40am: I spy with my little eye something that is orange :)))

@Idiot 10:42am: that paper on the wall? (/^▽^)/

@Jungwoo 10:43am: no

@Idiot 10:44am: shirt the girl next to you is wearing????

@Jungwoo 10:44am: no

@Jungwoo 10:45am: 2/3 guesses wrong so far

@Jungwoo 10:45am: u r so bad at this

@Idiot 10:47am: the prof's folder????? 

 

He waited for Lucas to answer, raised his eyebrows expectantly. As if he had heard him the tall boy turned around, shaking his head, smirking.

 

@Idiot 10:48am: okay give me one more chance

@Idiot 10:48am: bonus round pleeease :(((((((

@Jungwoo 10:49am: nobody likes whiny losers

 

Jungwoo didn't respond. Instead he waited for Lucas to meet his eyes again. After a minute without reply Lucas turned around, giving him a puzzled 'What's wrong'-look. Careful not to attract Mark's attention, hiding half his face with his hand to block his friend's view, Jungwoo pouted in the most theatrically way possible. Luckily, no one besides the boy trying to hold in a laugh noticed.

 

@Jungwoo 10:51am: okok go, last chance

@Idiot 10:52am: Jin's bag???????

@Jungwoo 10:53am: NO HAHAHA 

@Jungwoo 10:53am: pizza tonight is on you my friend :D :D

 

Jungwoo looked around the room, scanning every item, but he couldn't find anything else that was orange.

 

@Idiot 10:54am: okay tell me I give up

@Jungwoo 10:55am: the highlighter on your desk

 

Indeed, right in front of him was his bright orange highlighter pen. He glared at the thing with disgust and threw it into his bag.

 

@Idiot 10:55am: ihu.

 

Jungwoo put his phone on his desk with the screen down, earning a curious look from Mark. 

"Since when are you and Lucas friends?"

Too quickly followed the whispered response, "What are you saying? We aren't."

"I thought you two just... you keep smiling at each other. Didn't you just text-" Mark stopped talking as he saw the lecturer's annoyed frown. He gave the professor a sorry smile and kept quiet. Jungwoo couldn't keep a mischievous smile off his face. Grateful, he looked at the old man.

Another message from Lucas made his phone buzz. A row of flexed biceps emojis. 

He stared at his roommate's tan neck and the perfectly styled hair and wondered if throwing a book at him would get him in trouble. _Probably._

It was weird seeing him in class now. The same head that laid on his Snoopy plushie night after night, leaned on a girl's shoulder smiling at her with a smile that Jungwoo hadn't seen on him before. The same giant hands that washed the dishes every evening, tapped on the desk, while Lucas looked bored enough to fall asleep. Even his hair looked different. At home he never bothered styling it in any way, usually keeping it messy and down. The forehead exposure was something Jungwoo wasn't used to at all. 

 

That morning they'd woken up at the same time, fought over how endlessly long it took for Lucas to get out of the bathroom, and finally, after a 10-minute discussion, had gotten ready and walked across campus to the building together. Right before the hallway they'd parted. Jungwoo had asked Lucas to go in first. 

"Wait, why? Are you embarrassed or something?" Lucas fixed the collar of the leather jacket he was wearing and bit his lower lip. His expression was calculated to the point: eyebrows slightly furrowed, eyes squinting a tiny bit, full lower lip between his teeth. 

"Lucas, oh my god. Ew. Don't look at me like that. Save that for your fans in there. That was-," Jungwoo rubbed his arms, groaning, "No, I just don't want Mark to see us together."

Expression going from 'I wanna take you home' to 'Why am I talking to you?', Lucas said, "And that'd be no good because?"

The smaller one hid his hands in the front pocket of his pink hoodie. "We've been through this. We'll keep quiet about this, so no one asks questions and we don’t have to lie."

"Just admit you don't wanna be seen with me in public," Lucas said with a stoic face.

_No, not with your fangirls around._

"Ooops, you caught me. Yeah, you're pretty embarrassing, really don't want you to ruin my reputation. Now go, he said he's gonna be here in three minutes."

The taller boy broke into a wide smile and waved, "Bye, Snoopy."

"I told you, not in pub-"

Lucas was gone.

 

"Bro, are you still on earth?" 

Mark's voice brought him back to the half-empty classroom and the noisy students packing their bags. He ripped his eyes from the back of Lucas' head, which was turned towards a pretty girl with waist long black curls.

_Why was she laughing like that? He's never said anything that funny in his entire stupid life._

He realized that his friend was gawking at him. "Yes, I was- I was thinking."

"Here," Mark handed him his messily written notes after taking a quick look at the empty sheets of paper in front of Jungwoo. "You're gonna need them."

Jungwoo looked at Mark gratefully. "I love you."

His friend nodded dismissively and stood up. Rubbing his bloodshot eyes, he complained, "I thought I was really gonna fall asleep this time. Ten more minutes and I'd have snored. I don't think I've ever been this tired in my entire life."

From the other side of the room Lucas burst into laughter all by himself. Jungwoo realized it was only the three of them in there, even the prof had left. 

"You! Will! Buy! Me! Pizza! Tonight! Loser!" Aimed at Jungwoo, Lucas shouted every word with a triumphant expression. "Don't even try to talk your way out of it! You lost all three rounds."

"What," said Mark and Jungwoo simultaneously. 

Lucas stopped in his tracks as he saw the alarmed look on his roommate's face. 

_Don't. Don't. Don't._

"I mean... Didn't you play against me last night, Mark? Fortnite. No, Overwatch. Ah, I mean FIFA."

Taking a few steps back, Lucas made a serious face. "Thinking about it... The username wasn't... The guy I played against… I mean it wasn't Mark, it was Mork... I just remembered," he glanced at Jungwoo as if he was asking for backup.

_You're on your own my friend._

Mark stared at him, equally worried and confused. "Dude, are you okay?"

"Yes. I just forgot- I just remembered something. Gotta go before Maya leaves."

And, once again, Lucas ran off.

"Who's Maya?" Jungwoo asked, eyes narrowed.

"Uh, I think the girl always sitting next to him.” Mouth half opened Mark gaped at the door, “Dude. What even was that? Is he high or something?"

Jungwoo shrugged, nudging Mark with his shoulder. "Let's go, let's go. Don’t try to understand him, it won’t work."

The last messages Jungwoo read on his lock screen, before putting his phone into his hoodie’s pocket to give Mark his full attention, were:

@Jungwoo 11:24am: I saved us!!!!

@Jungwoo 11:25am: he nearly caught us omg 

@Jungwoo 11:25am: I was so cool in there... i really made all that up on the spot just like that??? w o w 

@Jungwoo 11:25am: where is my Oscar

@Jungwoo  11:25am: u still owe me pizza tho 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope yall are doing well and enjoyed this chapter~  
> It's summer break woop woop and I'm in that cycle of ruining your sleep schedule and trying to fix it (which won't work if I keep watching shows till 5am but ok)  
> Thank you guys as always for leaving kudos, comments, messaging me! I appreciate it so much really!! Take caree ~


	14. Chapter 14

"I'm not going. End of discussion."

"We haven't even started discussing this," Doyoung protested right away, throwing a small white pillow at him. It bounced off his friend's back, landing on the carpet.

"Doyoung is right," Lucas intruded, "you really should come. Kun will be there. You could talk to him."

Jungwoo threw him a hurt look.  _Et tu, Brute?_

 _"_ So I can do what? Fuck up once again? Oh no, what was that thing you said? Pretend to be drunk and fall on his lap? Doyoung what do you think? Sounds foolproof?"

Doyoung rolled onto his stomach, looking up at him with disgust. "If you do that I'll kill you. You're better than that."

The hazelnut-haired boy wiped the desk for the second time. "I'm only gonna embarrass myself. You know what? You two can go. I'll wait for you here. Me and my best friend Netflix gonna have so much fun, while you sheep give in to the stupid demands of society. Go party, be young and dumb. I'll go the road not taken and dare to step out of the boundaries this world has set for college students."  

Wrinkles appeared on Lucas forehead. "What is he saying? " Combing his hair up and setting it with hairspray, he glanced over at Doyoung for help.

Words directed at Jungwoo the raven-haired boy said, "You're really sharing a room with someone who uses that much hairspray? I bet it's the chemicals inside clogging up his brain."

Lucas cleared his throat loudly. 

"What Jungwoo is saying is that he is scared of going, but also doesn't wanna stay home alone and spend all night thinking about what might have happened, if he had gone," Doyoung explained. 

Jungwoo glared at his best friend, stopped wiping furniture and threw the rag into the sink. "That's not what I said."

Lucas was flexing his arm muscles in the mirror, probably wondering if a tight white shirt was the right choice. In Jungwoo's opinion it absolutely wasn't.

Throwing the pillow that had fallen to the ground back at Doyoung, Jungwoo sighed, "Don't you guys have assignments to do? We could be productive and maybe study or something. We could order food! I still owe you pizza, right Lucas?"

It wasn't really a tempting (nor believable) proposal, considering that he was the one who'd asked Doyoung to come over to kill time together on a Friday night.

A phone started vibrating. Lucas stopped examining his reflection. "My ride is here. So, you wanna come or?"

Doyoung replied promptly, "Thanks, but you can go first." Discreetly, he gave Jungwoo _that_ look and Jungwoo understood, just sat still, said nothing, waited for Lucas to leave. 

The youngest boy eyed both of them questioningly, then shrugged. "Whatever."

_He's annoyed. Great._

As soon as Lucas left Doyoung turned to Jungwoo. Hands tapping on his thighs, he started, "Okay listen. Jaehyun is gonna be there tonight and maybe Taeyong too. I don't want them to speak before I've talked with Taeyong. Although I'm not sure if he's gonna be there in the first place, but I have to go and hope he is." He stopped fidgeting. "So, I need you to come with me and just be there. Okay?"

Jungwoo stood up, looking for his keys. "You could've just said that in the beginning."

 

* * *

 

 

This time they had gathered at Ten's parents’ house again. Around 40 people were crowding the place, some dancing, some talking in raised voices. It was the loudest in the living room, Johnny had set up his DJ equipment there, so Jungwoo stayed close to the kitchen door.

Last time Johnny had a fog machine, this time Ten had laser lights beaming through the house. One day their feud had to end just because both would eventually run out of ideas to one up the other.

Doyoung's eyes had been wandering through the crowd for the past hour, restlessly searching for light pink hair. Jaehyun had left Jungwoo and Doyoung to talk to Mark who was at Johnny's side as always, helping him.

Yawning, Jungwoo took another cookie from the plastic plate.

His best friend had barely spoken since they'd left the dorms. He was most likely busy going through everything he wanted to say to Taeyong in his head. He had noticed how Doyoung tensed up every time the door was opened.

Finally, pink hair appeared in the door frame.

"Asshole just arrived. Hold my drink, I'm gonna kill him." Lips pressed into a thin line, Doyoung handed Jungwoo his cup. 

He looked after his friend with a heavy heart, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

"Where did Doyoung go?" Jaehyun asked. He leaned on the wall next to Jungwoo.

Lying, Jungwoo said, "Not sure." Guilt filled his stomach, but he kept telling himself how this was for the greater good. _More or less._

"I know I've said it a million times already, but I really missed you while you were hiding," Jungwoo told him.

He recognized Mark, Donghyuck and Ten standing in a circle across the room, all three busy looking at something on an iPad. 

Jaehyun ran his fingers through his light brown hair (the motion reminded Jungwoo of someone else right way), offering a half-smile. "I know, I know. But I'm better now. We don't accept rejection, right? Failure isn't an option!"

Both giggled at the overdramatic passion in his words. 

"I've heard something interesting." his friend smiled teasingly, dimples appearing on his cheeks. The response from Jungwoo was a questioning look. "You and Lucas are hanging out now?"

Heart pounding fast, Jungwoo mumbled, "Where did you hear that?"

"People," Jaehyun said secretively. 

Jungwoo finished Doyoung's cup in two huge gulps, buying time. "We might have run into each other a few days ago. Doesn't really matter."

"Speaking of the devil," Jaehyun nodded towards a screaming giant not far away.

He was telling a story surrounded by three boys, one of them Kun, and two girls. Jungwoo had seen them before but had never talked to any of the strangers. He noticed that Lucas was laughing the loudest at his own jokes, his second-place competitor a tiny girl with large glasses and freckles.  

Swiftly, Jungwoo turned around, heading inside the kitchen. There he sat on the counter top with Jaehyun following him closely. 

"Too loud?" His friend asked, finally not half-shouting his words anymore. Jungwoo nodded.

"Tell me, Jae: Batman, Troy Bolton or Jack from Titanic? Who would you rather play?"

Jaehyun narrowed his eyebrows in thought. "Definitely not Bruce Wayne. Hm, Troy or Jack. Jack, I think." 

The thought of his friend reenacting Titanic's most famous scenes made Jungwoo smile sheepishly. "You'd make a great Jack. Even though I'd love to hear you sing _Bet On It._ " 

Without much thought he emptied the second cup in reach, his resolution not to drink thrown out the window after the first cup. 

Jaehyun got himself a handful of jellies from the table, humming the words to _Start of Something New_.

"Sn- Jungwoo?" A deep voice filled the kitchen. 

Lucas' lips curled into a wide smile upon seeing the smaller boy. "I texted you to see if you'd come, but you didn't answer. Is that how you treat your r-" Lucas eyes glanced over at Jaehyun, who was walking back to his spot next to Jungwoo, innocently chewing on gummy bears, "really nice group member? Man, did I work hard on that PowerPoint."

"Long time no see," greeted Jaehyun kindly, soft grin appearing on his face.

He had that way about him, always polite, always calm, in a manner that'd suit a 50ies film star. Maybe that was his true calling: playing a gentleman in a romance, wearing dapper suits and showing off his dimples. 

The tallest one acknowledged him with a nod, before pointing at the red cup in Jungwoo's hand. "Is that... alcohol?"

Jungwoo shook his head, Jaehyun nodded.

"Jaehyun! Hurry up!" Sicheng appeared at the door, impatiently waving at his friend.

Winking at Jungwoo, Jaehyun took off. "My turn to play."

 

"My turn to play," mimicked Lucas in a high, Donald Duck-ish voice, face contorted with disgust. "That guy is such a loser." 

His eyes wandered over Jungwoo sitting on the countertop, then fell on the empty cups next to him. "Why did you drink? Didn't you say you don't like alcohol? Did you try to impress  _him_? 

"Geez, slow down. Didn't you tell me to be more social? I'm doing my best." Jungwoo jumped down only to feel the earth spin underneath him. Lucas stopped him from losing balance by gripping him with both hands.

"If this is about Kun-" he started.

"No, it's not," whined the smaller agitated.

Obviously not convinced, the taller took a step back, hands falling from Jungwoo's shoulders. "Okay, okay. Still, if you talk to him in this state you're gonna regret it. I said _pretend_ to be drunk and not actually get drunk, Snoopy."

"First of all, don't call me Snoopy in public. Apparently, people have already seen us together and I don't wanna add fuel to dumb rumors. Also, I'm not drunk. Not even tipsy." He took off his pink hoodie, revealing a thin grey shirt underneath. He handed Lucas the hoodie. "Take this. Now excuse me, I'll go follow the rabbit."

 

* * *

 

Finding Doyoung wasn't easy. Tripping over his own feet multiple times, because maybe, just maybe, he was indeed a little tipsy, Jungwoo walked up and down every room, looking in every corner for shiny black hair and the voice that felt like home. In his desperation he searched upstairs, too.

With muffled music playing in the distance, he admired the stunning art Ten's parents had covered the walls in. He couldn't name the paintings, but they were beautiful.

When he at last heard Doyoung's voice he froze. It came from the study, the door left ajar.

Holding his breath, Jungwoo sneaked closer, creeping along the wall. He couldn't see the two. Only a black wooden desk and a brown leather armchair were visible.  

'I feel like I'm talking to a toddler. This isn't quantum physics, it's a simple yes or no question. Did you lie to me?"

Taeyong's voice softly answered, "No."

"Do you love me?"

Something fell to the ground.

"I'm- I- I can't answer a question like that out of nowhere."

"Save us time and me a headache. Just think about your emotions for a minute and stop lying to yourself." Doyoung's tone was indifferent and artificial. He was trying to be cold, Jungwoo knew. It never failed to amaze him how strong his friend was, so in control of his emotions.

"I can't think straight, Doyoung. I'm confused and I'm so, so sorry. I know how bad I've hurt you, but you have to realize that I've hurt myself more."

"But that's your own fault? Don't blame me for your decisions, your weaknesses," his voice broke. "I don't want to be your second option."

"You're not an option, you've always been- " Taeyong didn't continue.

"It's fucking killing me. I don't know you anymore. I don't know what's real and what's your desperation speaking. Stop hurting me, that's really all I'm asking for."

Jungwoo realized he was chewing hard enough on the insides of his cheeks to taste iron. He stopped himself from tearing up by pressing both hands on his eyes.

"Jaehyun doesn't like me. Not in that way. He doesn't even like boys. Don't be mad over-"

Doyoung stopped him. "This is the last time I'll say this: I don't care. Don't pull the 'He doesn't like boys' card as if that'd change something? That doesn't make your feelings for him any less real."

"I'm not, I'm just trying to explain that I don't love Jaehyun. I don't, I really don't."

Silence.

"Give me some time, please. Just enough to get my shit together. Let me send all applications, figure out what to do about the deadlines and then we'll talk? Please. If I try to fix this- us- like this, it'll just get worse. Let me fix myself first. Please, Doyoung."

Jungwoo assumed that Doyoung nodded or something, because Taeyong replied with a "Thank you."

Softer, his best friend said, "Where are you going now?"

"Back to the studio. I only came to see you."

"You did?"

A pause. Voice low, hesitating, Taeyong said, "I missed you, you know. Every day."

"Good," was the brief answer.

Grasping that both might walk out every moment Jungwoo hid in the empty bathroom, waiting for Taeyong to leave. Looking around, he realized it was the same bathroom he'd met a certain demon at months ago. A humorless laugh escaped his mouth. Life truly was strange. 

When he heard footsteps walking down the stairs he dared to go look for his rabbit.

He saw only Taeyong running downstairs, wearing his hoodie up and his hands hidden in the front pocket. The light in the study was still on. 

"Doyoung?" Slowly, Jungwoo stepped inside the room.

His friend heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank god, it was you in the hallway! I heard your shoes make that weird squeaky sound and I knew it was you, but it was quiet suddenly and I thought whoever's outside eavesdropping must be a stranger, but if it had really been you, I couldn’t have just shouted your name and-" he stopped himself from overflowing, words leaving his mouth too fast, too shaky. He took a deep breath and rubbed his red eyes. "How much did you hear?"

Jungwoo pulled him into a hug, although he felt his friend stiffen in his arms. "Enough to know that things are still complicated," he mumbled.

Doyoung broke out of the embrace and inspected Jungwoo, eyes darting up and down. "You... drank? How come?"

"I'm dumb."

Nodding in agreement, the raven-haired boy said, "You're a mess. But hey, so am I." He laughed nervously, "Do you think he'll really come back? Explain things? Fix this?"

"Definitely. Taeyong-" Jungwoo felt his head spinning, he had to sit down before he could continue, "never breaks a promise. Remember?" 

Looking around the study, his eyes widened. _Impressive._ Every wall was covered in high shelves filled with old books, the titles written in foreign alphabets. 

Teasing him, Doyoung asked, "Okay, but tell me, what did _you_ do tonight? Did you _accidentally_ hug Kun? Fall on his lap? Maybe told him all the things you've never dared to say while sober and so on?"

Flushing, Jungwoo shook his head. "Nothing."

"Thank god. I'm glad you didn't listen to that idiot." Taking his hand, Doyoung said, "Let's go home."

 

* * *

 

 

 _That idiot_ was sitting on the couch, his committee around him once again. He was shouting an anecdote, amusing words spilling from his plump lips effortlessly. Jungwoo saw him glancing at him and Doyoung as they walked down the stairs, but once they were closer, he looked away. 

"What a loser," muttered the black-haired one. 

Jungwoo opened his mouth to ask what he meant, when Doyoung released his hold on Jungwoo's sweaty hand and left him standing there. 

One moment Jungwoo saw him scoff angrily, the other he was pulling Lucas out of the circle by his arm, stopping the tall boy's story time. A bunch of annoyed faces started up at Doyoung, who didn't validate their existence at all.

"Take Jungwoo home," he said, his voice calm, but his words unmistakably commanding.

Without attracting much attention Jungwoo moved closer, fully concentrated on eavesdropping.

"Why don't you do it?" Lucas barked, crossing his arms infront of his chest.

The melody of Troye Sivan's song 'Youth' started playing and Jungwoo began mouthing the words, swaying to the music.  

"I've got things to do and," lowering his voice Doyoung added, "you two live together. That's reason enough."

Jungwoo looked around the crowd but couldn't find Kun anymore. Attention span suffering from the drinks he had before, he forgot about his friends and stared at the pretty laser beams at the wall. However, the second a blonde boy accidentally touched him he inched closer to the two again, avoiding any physical contact with dancing strangers.

Worried, Lucas gawked at Jungwoo. "But he's not himself right now. What if he does something stupid?"

"Like?"

Lucas whispered something to Doyoung that Jungwoo couldn't hear. 

"Well, you're a big boy, you can deal with that, can't you?"

For a second Lucas looked panicked, then he nodded and took Jungwoo's pink hoodie from the couch. Jungwoo realized that he had made Lucas carry it around the entire time.

"Wait," Doyoung began, pulling the giant down so he could whisper something into his ear.

Again, the words drowned in the ocean of noise and laughter.

Lucas swallowed hard, then walked outside without looking at Doyoung.

The boy with the rabbit eyes waved at his smaller friend with a mischievous smile. "Text me when you get home."

"What did bunny just say to you?" Jungwoo asked Lucas as they walked through the door, his voice too high and his breath too quick.

"He promised he'll break my nose and shave all my hair off in my sleep if there's a single scratch on you by the time we get home."

If he had smiled or laughed, Jungwoo could've held on to the illusion that those weren't Doyoung's exact words, maybe an exaggerated interpretation, but he knew his friend.

"Oh."

 

* * *

 

"Walk faster."

Jungwoo fastened his pace. A cold breeze caressed his heated cheeks.

A moment later, walking ahead, Lucas demanded, "Hurry up!"

"I'm almost running," the smaller looked at the other accusingly, but was met with nothing but an annoyed glare.

"Geez, I didn't force you to come with me. If you're being like this, please do both of us a favor and go back to that stupid, dumb party. I bet, you'll find someone who'll gladly let you spend the night." He turned to walk into a different direction. "Goodbye."

He heard Lucas steps quicken, falling into a jog till he had caught up with him. 

"Don't be dumb. Where are you going?"

Jungwoo made a silly grimace. "None of your business."

"Maybe you really should've stayed home," Lucas groaned.

"Maybe you should fuck off."

Jungwoo sat down on the bench closest to them, placing his hands on the cool wood. The streets were empty, no one was around at that time of the night. He looked up at the sky to see countless stars shining in beautiful constellations. 

"Jungwoo. It's 1am. Let's go home."

A pause.

"I'm serious. We should go home and you should sleep."

He ignored Lucas words.

After a while the tall boy sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder. 

Engulfed in the magic of the night sky and the calming cool air, both fell into the embrace of silence.

Why was he so in love with the stars? As a kid he used to spend hours staring at the tiny lights, always wondering if there might be someone who'd put them in their unique constellations on purpose. Homesickness filled his stomach as he thought of his home and his parents whom he didn't visit enough.

Jungwoo tore his eyes away from the beautiful view and looked at Lucas only to find that Lucas was looking at him too. 

"What?" he asked, feeling his cheeks heaten up. 

No answer. His friend with the stupid smirk and annoying laugh was now pokerfaced and quiet. The boy's brown hair was messily falling across his forehead and Jungwoo preferred that over the neat hairstyle from before. 

"You remind me of someone," said Jungwoo, ignoring the feeling of light-headedness overcoming him.

The other's head cocked to the side, lips curling up in anticipation, finally shattering the pokerface that the older despised so much.

Eyes locked, Jungwoo softly continued, "Sometimes when I look at you, you remind me of someone I really, really hate."

Lucas let out a surprised laugh. "That wasn't what I expected. I thought you were gonna name an actor or something."

"No," he muttered, "I just-"

"You just?" Amused, the taller eyed him, his hand running through his thick hair. Strands landed on his forehead again, defying the hairspray's efforts.

Before he could decide against it, the hazelnut-haired boy blurted out, "I'm sad."

"Why is Snoopy sad? Is it because of Kun?"

Jungwoo made a vexed sound, brought his knees to his chest. "That's all I am isn't it? Things haven't changed all that much since high school, I guess."

A hand was put on his shoulder, "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"No, no. It's just not because of Kun. I'm confused. I feel like there's nothing I'm really into, nothing I'm fighting for. No big purpose or goals. I just am. I don't know. I'm being stupid, I know. I feel like- Like, I'm just alive and doing the bare minimum."

"But that's so much already?"

Not convinced at all, Jungwoo shrugged. 

Lucas poked his sides softly, making the smaller look at him. "Listen to me. You don't need to have a huge goal you're working towards every day to live a life worth living. Just try to be happy?"

Lips shaking, Jungwoo asked, "What are you holding on to? What makes you feel special?"

"I am special. Without holding on to anything."

There was no arrogance in Lucas voice, only confidence.

An honest smile formed on the smaller one's face. "Must be nice to think like you."

"But you're special too? I've never met someone who knows as much about movies as you do. Or who is as soft-spoken. You're so kind! You took me in when you could've just closed the door and told me to fuck off. But you didn't."

Was it the alcohol or Lucas words that increased his body temperature like this? Jungwoo pressed his cold hands on his warm cheeks. "Thank you."

"I saw something on the cover of one of your notebooks. It was cute. Wait, what was it?" Lucas rubbed his naked arms with both hands and Jungwoo realized that he was wearing only a thin white shirt, while he himself was cozy in a hoodie. Beaming at him, Lucas recalled, "To live will be an awfully big adventure! I really liked that."

Stunned, Jungwoo stared at him. How did he know?

_Oh. Right. We share a room._

Getting over the first shock of hearing Lucas say the words he had written with black permanent marker on his notebooks on a melancholic night, he said, "It's kinda funny you bring up that quote. It's from the Peter Pan movie. You know, in the book it's actually 'to _die_ would be an awfully big adventure'."

The smile on the other's face was replaced with a frown. "Just goes to show that movies are better than books."

Jungwoo stood up, eyes looking for the three stars forming the Orion's belt in the sky. 

Although he still felt a little lightheaded, he was in a much better shape now. "Let's go home before you freeze to death."

"I'm not cold," Lucas claimed, hands rubbing over the goosebumps covering his arms. 

 

* * *

 

When they reached the dorms they walked upstairs trying to be as quiet as possible. 

They had sung every cartoon opening song they could remember on their way home. Surprisingly, Lucas had known the words to all the anime openings Jungwoo hummed. 

Feeling a sudden sharp pain, Jungwoo dropped down to a squad, holding his stomach. "No, no, no." 

The second the pain passed, he ran upstairs, eyes watering already.

Lucas was right behind him, asking him if he was okay. Unlocking the door, Jungwoo nodded, even though he was obviously not okay. He could barely keep himself from crying while he reached the bathroom, sitting down in front of the toilet bowl.

_I deserve this. I fucking know my stomach revolts every time I drink, but no, let's be dumb and not give a damn._

A knock at the open door a minute later made him look up. Face concerned, Lucas stood there, holding in his hands clothes, a towel and a water bottle. "Need help?"

Jungwoo shook his head, but took the things with a grateful expression. "Just pretend I don't exist while I fight my body." 

Lucas nodded, "If you need anything, just shout. Or whisper. I'm gonna hear you either way."

 

The smaller boy changed into the clothes his roommate had brought him and realized that the shirt wasn't his. It was Lucas'.

It was at least two sizes too big and hanging loose in all the wrong places. It was a football shirt, he noticed as he looked at himself in the mirror. Lucas name was printed in big letters on the back of the shirt. Jungwoo crawled back on the floor. All he wanted was to be left alone and wait for his stomach ache to pass.

 

Unfortunately, Lucas did absolutely not pretend that Jungwoo didn't exist. It was quite the opposite. Every few minutes he barged in, asking him if he needed something, handing him different things. 

First, his phone.

"Doyoung called."

A book.

"Maybe you're bored and you wanna read something, man."

A cup of tea.

"Peppermint. One spoon honey, right?"

A pillow.

"You gotta be comfortable."

A small blanket.

"In case it gets cold in here!"

 

When Lucas walked in carrying a chair, Jungwoo sent him back. "I appreciate your help, but I don't need a chair _right now_."

Disappointed, the taller took it back, but returned shortly after to squat on the ground next to him. "I thought you might wanna sit more comfortably or something. Are you feeling better?"

The older gestured at the empty cup, "Yeah. I think the tea was a great idea. Thank you."

Lucas beamed at him with the brightness of a summer noon's sun. Again, he was more pup than boy, if he had a tail he'd wiggle it now. It was incredible how simple words of praise made Lucas so proud of himself.

"Can you help me carry the stuff back? I'm much better now but dead tired. I should sleep." 

Full of energy, the younger jumped up, striking a failed superhero pose, before collecting the things off the ground. He could hold more things in one hand than Jungwoo could carry in both.

All at once Jungwoo halted, eyes following the boy running back and forth from the shelves to the bathroom, apparently competing in a race with himself.

Somewhere between Jungwoo's stomach and his ribs warmth spread, reaching his lips quickly, forming a wide smile on his exhausted face.

With a certain someone around life had been an awfully big adventure lately. 


	15. Chapter 15

"Jungwoo, your phone's been making weird noises."

A hand rested on his arm, fingers gently tapping him awake. Jungwoo's eyes flew open to see a boy with dark brown eyes and even darker under eye circles smiling at him.

His initial reaction was to turn around to face the wall, because God forbid Lucas seeing his face right after waking up from a night like that _,_ but he didn't move. Instead, he rubbed his eyes and asked quite grumpily, "What noise?"

"Beeping sounds," replied Lucas, throwing Jungwoo his phone from the nightstand.

_Bunny 12 missed calls._

_Bunny 38 messages._

He had forgotten to text Doyoung last night. Knowing his friend, Jungwoo was sure he was thinking of every worst-case scenario that might have happened since Jungwoo had left the party. So, driven by guilt, he sent Doyoung a 'I'm sorry' gif and a short message that said 'I'm awake and alive', despite not feeling like answering at all.

With a groan, Jungwoo threw his phone on the blanket, closing his eyes again. A throbbing pain spread somewhere around his temples. He wasn't exactly hungover, but the nasty combination of Jaeger and the lack of sleep did their job punishing him. Jungwoo opened his eyes again and flinched at the painful brightness in the room. "It hurts," he whispered to himself, rubbing his dry eyes.

Looking at the mess on the ground he realized that he really had to clean today. Or tomorrow. Maybe.

"Huh, why are you dressed already?"

Lucas was wearing a huge varsity jacket in black and white that made him look like a jock who had just escaped a high school drama. He was sitting on the floor, his phone connected to the charger. 

"Gotta babysit Kun's cousin. He promised his aunt to do it, but his boss is being a dick, so-" he trailed off, distracted by something on his phone. 

"You're sure he's not gonna babysit you?"

The idea of Lucas taking care of a kid was worrying and, kindly put, anxiety-inducing. Jungwoo could imagine him teaching the boy everything he was not supposed to know just to get a laugh out of it. 

Lucas scoffed in reply, "Says the one who I babysat yesterday,"

"Babysat isn't even a real word." Rubbing his temples, the older gave him a displeased look.

Lucas shot back immediately, "It is, little one, I should know." 

"Your voice is giving me a headache," complained Jungwoo, throwing the blanket over himself to block away the light and Lucas' voice. Still, he could hear the other sing "Jungwoo is a baby" in his most teasing voice. 

What was dumber? Lucas thinking that that was a good comeback or Jungwoo blushing because of Lucas' stupid words? Jungwoo couldn't decide. Warmth had spread across his cheeks, his ears were probably already scarlet. 

When he was close to suffocation, he lifted the blanket, whispering, "I'm still older than you, kiddo."

No response this time.

As he was weakly glaring at his roommate, he noticed a cup of water and pills on his nightstand, which hadn't been there before. 

Again, a burning sensation spread across his face. This time he blamed the near-death experience he'd been through while almost suffocating under a blanket for the sudden heat in his body.

"Thank you," mumbled he shyly, before taking the aspirin and swallowing it with a few gulps of water.

Not meeting his eyes, Lucas shrugged in response, "Don't know what you're talking about."

_I bloom just for you. Baby, baby, I've been saving-_

As if he had felt the tension in the room, Doyoung called, rescuing Jungwoo from having to navigate their way out of the awkwardness. Maybe his friend was telepathic after all.

"Bunny?"

Lucas looked up with disgust on his face, pulled a grimace and looked down at his phone again.

"Can I come over?" The urgency in Doyoung's voice was unmistakable.

"Of course." 

Jungwoo caught Lucas peeking at him over his phone, which was held up high now to hide his face. Only were his eyes completely visibly. _He'd really make a miserable spy._  The tall boy was looking at him in that weird Lucas way that made Jungwoo feel intimidated and self-conscious right away.

"Good, because I'm right in front of your dorm. Mark is gonna be here in five minutes too. Is _he_ there?"

"Wait, _Mark?_ Is everything okay?" He pulled his knees up to his chest, hiding his face.

"Mark knows something is up with you and Lucas and he wants to talk about it. He hinted at it last night when he saw you two leave the party. And when he said that he was on his way to see you just now I made up something to come along."

_Oh._

The boy across the room jumped up and said loudly, "See you later, Snoopy. Tell Doyoung he's stupid. Text me if you need anything."

Jungwoo nodded wordlessly, not really listening.  _What exactly does Mark know?_

"Was that Lucas?"  

Lucas waved one last time and closed the door behind himself.

"Yes, he just left. Where are you meeting Mark?"

"He's right here-" Doyoung hung up and Jungwoo groaned for what felt like the hundredth time that morning.

 

* * *

 

He opened the door with fear in his eyes and sweaty palms. "Hi, guys."

"You look like you've been run over by a car," Doyoung stated, taking off his shoes. Exhaustion was written all over his pale face, he didn't look all that great himself.

"Multiple times," added Mark, sweeping his messy hair under his black hat. He wore his lazy day uniform, consisting of converse, sweatpants and a black sweater.

"Thank you, guys. I love you too."

Jungwoo waited till they were inside and closed the door slowly, eyeing the hallway outside with a burning desire. He could still run away.

He didn't.

 

It took them only moments to settle into the positions in which they used to sit for hours in the old dorm room: Doyoung, lying on his stomach on the bed, Jungwoo sitting next to him, leaning against the wall, his best friend's legs on his thighs, while Mark sat across them on the chair, knees pulled up.

Except now there was no Donghyuck around to randomly spin Mark's chair and the space on the floor where Taeyong and Jaehyun would sit was empty. Their laughter was missing. They used to meet weekly to talk about dumb stuff till midnight and play games till they fell asleep on the ground, but nowadays it felt like everyone was too busy to even respond in the group chat.

 

"Why did you lie to me?" Mark asked, skipping the small talk. 

Jungwoo tensed up and instantly felt Doyoung's hand reaching for his. "I... What do you mean?"

The expression on his younger friend's face made his insides turn in guilt.

"You could've just told me you and Lucas are dating, Jungwoo. I'm your friend. I'm gonna support you no matter what."

The sound leaving Jungwoo's mouth was beyond a groan, it was manifested frustration. He shoved Doyoung's legs away and made to walk in circles again, looking for an outlet for the sudden spike of energy.

"Everyone is like 'you and Lucas', 'you and Lucas', when there is no me and Lucas. We are not dating, Mark. We are not," he let out a cry and spun around, walking into every corner of the room, "Seriously. I don't understand why two people talking with each other would cause such a mess? We're just friends. Why does everyone care? I really don't get it."

Both his friends stared at him with wide eyes, surprise on their faces. It was the not-so-subtle hint of 'what the fuck' in Doyoung's expression that made Jungwoo realize that something was wrong. 

"What?" Jungwoo turned around to face the door, half expecting to see the demon standing there. 

He wasn't.

Instead, Mark started laughing. Quietly at first, hesitant, but the longer he looked at Jungwoo the louder his voice grew.

"You're wearing  _his_ shirt? You're wearing a shirt with his name on it right now and you're talking about _there is no me_ _and Lucas._ Who are you kidding?"

 _Oh_. 

Mark shook his head, still laughing. "You two are really something."

Blood rushing to his ears, Jungwoo sat down on the bed, his back pressed against the wall. He had absolutely forgotten about the shirt.

His best friend started biting his lips in thought, eyes carefully examining Jungwoo. "How come you're wearing _that_?"

"It's... complicated."

The words sounded weak even to his own ears. 

"Okay, guys. Seriously now. It was kinda obvious. Like, when I came to visit you and you almost kicked me out that was about Lucas, right? And the whole thing in class? You two were looking at each other like you wanted to meet in the bathroom-"

"Stop, oh my god. That did not happen, stop making up stuff," stumbling over his own words, half choking on air, Jungwoo tried to explain. "Given certain circumstances... Lucas is sort of forced to live here for a while. But we are not dating. We are not looking at each other in... whatever way Mark just suggested. It's a completely platonic friendship."

Feigning innocence, Doyoung mumbled, "Weird. We've been friends for such a long time, yet you've never worn my name on a shirt? Are we not platonic enough yet, or?"

Jungwoo's nails scratched his friend's hand before he could pull his arm away.

Another hesitant chuckle came from Mark. His lips formed into that forced smile, which he only wore when he pretended to be in control of a situation. "I don't get it. I believe you, though. If you say you're not going that path with him, I believe you, Jungwoo. But it's still weird to be honest. All of this? I don't know. Maybe I just assumed too much. I mean Lucas did say that he thinks you're cute, but that doesn't have to mean-"

Doyoung was the one interrupting the young boy now, "When did he say that?"

"I'm not sure. It was months ago. Maybe two months? Three? Wait, does it matter?" He looked from Jungwoo to Doyoung; the latter was glaring into the distance, while Jungwoo held back from groaning himself into another dimension.

Much calmer this time, Jungwoo began again. "Let's not assume anything. We've all heard what's being said about him, haven't we? He's Lucas Wong. I'm sure he'd call anyone cute as a joke." The lump in his throat made it difficult to speak. "And... There's no smoke without fire. Remember the Jess story? We all saw her cry that night, we all heard what he did to her. So, please, stop pushing this."

Both Mark and Doyoung had fallen silent and were looking at him with worried expressions.

"We're not dating and there's nothing going on between us. He's living here and that's all I can say right now without spilling secrets that aren't mine to tell. Guys, if you trust me at all, just... deny whatever you hear about us? Please."

He reached out to take his beloved Snoopy into his arms, but when he buried his face in the fabric, he couldn't smell anything but Lucas. He threw it back into the corner.

"Jungwoo, it's fine," Doyoung rolled over, hands leaving the pocket of his light blue hoodie and finding his friend's arm. "It's all dumb talk, anyway? Maybe someone saw you two talking and made up some shit. Who cares?"

"It's not about who's spreading dumb rumors, it's-" Jungwoo broke off, inhaling deeply, but he still felt like suffocating.

Carefully, Mark asked, "What is this about then?"

Jungwoo couldn't think of anything that made sense. All he could see when he closed his eyes were foggy memories of Lucas face, lit by only the stars and distant streetlights.

"I don't know. I don't like that there are people out there thinking of us as a couple. No, I don't like the idea of us as a couple period."

Silence filled the empty space between the three. Jungwoo wanted to change the topic, wanted to run away, to take off the shirt, yet he did nothing. He sat still and counted to twenty again and again.

"I just remembered," Mark took off his hat, running his fingers through his too-long hair, "I might've kinda maybe told Jaehyun about you and Lucas."

Jungwoo exhaled audibly,"It was you. That makes sense. He told me about it, more or less. Hinted at it. It's fine. Don't look at me like that, I'm not mad. Did you talk with anyone else about it?"

"Donghyuck, but he doesn't count. We're practically one."

Doyoung fell into a cough, hand covering his mouth as his chest rose and fell. Jungwoo recognized the sound, noticed that his friend was hiding a laughing fit.

"Just tell him to keep quiet about it, please," asked Jungwoo, while suspiciously side-eyeing his coughing friend.

The youngest boy nodded, then pulled out his phone. "Creepy. It's like he heard us talk about him."

He read aloud, "Mark, I am currently dying. Where are you? Mark? I can't believe you left without saying good morning? You're so cold. 'Come back home. Come back home. Come bab-' Oh, he sent lyrics."

"Who?" asked Jungwoo confused, his brain still barely processing any information.

"Donghyuck."

With a sly smile Doyoung suggested, "Maybe you should go home and figure out what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, he's like that every time I leave the house for more than an hour."

The looks that sentence earned him from both his friends caused him to add, "He gets bored easily. Once I'm home he ignores me again, anyway. He's just being dumb."

Kind of glad that he wasn't the focus of attention anymore, Jungwoo zoned out as Mark and Doyoung talked about Donghyuck's weirdest traits.

Maybe he needed some space from Lucas. Maybe he just needed to get closer to Kun to end rumors. Maybe he should just pack his bags and move to another country. He had always wanted to live in Japan...

"You should take it as a compliment that he tries to pick a fight over stuff like that, Mark. That's how he shows he likes you."

"It's tiring. Dude, he just keeps spamming me. He worked his way through two 2ne1 songs. He's sending Michael Jackson lyrics now. 'All I want to say is that they don't really care about us.'" A sigh from Mark. "I think he's trying to tell me something. Maybe I should really check on him."

Mark's eyes met Jungwoo's. "I'll be back tonight, okay? Or we can meet at Tai's, I don't care. Don't worry too much, it's really not that big of a deal. And I didn't mean to stress you out. Okay?" Jungwoo nodded. "In the meantime, maybe get some sleep? Not to sound like an asshole, but you really look like you need to rest."

More nodding from Jungwoo, his back still pressed against the wall.

 

* * *

 

After Mark left Doyoung and Jungwoo stared at the ceiling in silence, lying next to each other.

"When did our cute, boring lives turn into these messes, Jungwoo?"

"I don't know. Never thought I was gonna say this, but I miss being boring. I miss being on tumblr all night and reading angsty fics. Binge-watching music videos. Lame stuff. Remember when the most surprising thing in our lives was the donut of the day? What happened?"

"Dumb boys."

A moment later Doyoung sat up, looking down at Jungwoo's messy hair with a serious face. "There's something that I didn't want to say in front of Mark."

Automatically, maybe because his voice was so sincere, Jungwoo sat up, too. His heart was beating a little too fast.

"Forget what I said about Lucas having feelings for you, okay? I don't think so anymore and neither should you. Just forget it."

His friend had tried to convince him that Lucas was interested countless times and suddenly he had changed his mind? Although Jungwoo had denied it all along, he felt his stomach drop at his Doyoung's words. 

"What is this about?" he asked taken aback. 

A shrug. "Intuition, I guess."

Jungwoo's phone made a beeping sound and both stared at the notification on the screen.

 

@Jungwoo 1:28pm: BEST WINGMAN IN THE WORLD IS AT IT AGAIN!!! YOU ANDDD KUN!!!!!!! (plus me and Chen lol) TONIGHT!!!

@Jungwoo 1:29pm: THIS IS UR CHANCE!!!! DO SOME BABYSITTING AND BE CUTE AND STUFF!!!! IM GONNA BE BY YOUR SIDE SO DON'T WORRYD!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!@!!

 

"I'm reading what he writes, but I don't get it. What does he mean?" asked Doyoung with furrowed eyebrows. The next message came before Jungwoo could answer. 

 

@Jungwoo 1:29pm: I SAID TO KUN THAT I HEARD HOW GOOD YOU ARE WITH KIDS AND THAT YOUD LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH CHEN AND HE WAS LIKE WE SHOULD ASK HIM TO HELP US TONIGHT!!!! AND I WAS LIKE YEAH MAN ON IT!!!

 

"The more I read the stronger grows the desire to block his number. Why does he type like that?" The boy with the rabbit eyes handed Jungwoo the phone again.

Going into defense mode, Jungwoo replied, "He's just excited."

Doyoung threw him a disapproving look.

 

@Jungwoo 1:30pm: ILL SEND YOU THE ADRESS!!!! PLEASE COME!!! CHEN IS SO EXCITED ALREADY!!!! HES GONNA LOVE U!! SAY YES SNOOPY~~~

@Jungwoo 1:31pm: pls nap before u come tho and eat something 

@Jungwoo 1:31pm: did u take more meds????

@Jungwoo 1:31pm: I put the box with the pills on the fridge can u reach it? if u cant i'll come over

@Jungwoo 1:32pm: lol no I cant I forgot about Chen

@Jungwoo 1:32pm: are u feeling better?

@Jungwoo 1:33pm: also take a shower u smell lol

 

"Every time he calls you Snoopy something inside me dies. In a bad way."

"What else is left in there to die?" Jungwoo gestured towards Doyoung's chest. "It's a graveyard." 

Jungwoo ducked away and the pillow flew over his head, landing on the floor behind him.

 

@Idiot 1:34pm: I'll be there ><

@Jungwoo 1:34pm: k cool

 

"What even?" The black-haired one laughed surprised and scrolled through the conversation again. "He's so weird. He just 'k'-ed you. After all that."

Jungwoo shrugged, "Honestly, at this point I'm over wondering and asking questions. I won't get it anyway."

Rolling closer to his friend, the younger boy blinked at Doyoung innocently, "Doyoung, do you love me?"

A suspicious expression, a quick nod.

"Cook something for me then," said Jungwoo in a cute voice. 

With mock disgust on his face, Doyoung replied, "Fine. But only if you go take a shower right now. Lucas was right about one thing." 

 

* * *

  

_#86_

_Some people meet love the nice way. For them love is butterflies, the taste of cotton candy and the feeling of waking up on a sunny_ _Sunday morning._ _For others_ _love is staring at a wall in the darkness_ _at 5am, the feeling of something being wrong with your whole self and listening to the same old sad song on repeat._ _For me, everything was gray. And trust me, gray is so, so much worse than the world turning black and white. Because gray leaves you with nothing but ashes._

_Everything becomes one. Gray._

_Tell me, why was I stupid enough to run aft_ _er you for so long? Why was I holding on to nothing but stardust and tears? The sun set again and again, and I think I got used to the darkness surrounding me, but moreover I got used to shouting into the void. I screamed your name until my throat was dry, my tongue stiff and my eyes teary. You never once looked back._

_Not even once._

_Some days living is so weird. Some days I wake up and I'm_ _that_ _person, but when I go to bed I'm someone else. Then, suddenly, I'm no one anymore and in the next minute I'm so full of all I could be. I'm confused. There's this abyss between who I want to be and who I am, and it's always been there, and I thought it was never gonna change, but somehow, I feel like I can start building a bridge to overcome the gap._ _Slowly, very slowly._

_But it might be possible._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo, thank you for reading once again!  
> ((this must be so weird to read after the last lines LMAO))  
> I have a question and I'd be really grateful if some of you would answer hfghfh  
> Sooo, I was wondering if you guys like Jungwoo diary style entries like the one at the end of the chapter. If you could either vote in the twitter poll ( twitter: xuxigalaxy, see pinned tweet) or comment here, ID BE VERY THANKFUL, bc depending on whether u like it or not I'd add/remove smth from the plot. 
> 
> I hope you're all doing well, remember you're awesome and ilu ~


	16. Chapter 16

He raised his hand to knock on the door, but he stopped. He could still go home, could still stay in his comfort zone. He could.

Lucas had sent him the address, had promised him it would be fun. Did he really trust Lucas' judgment enough to follow his advice? He did. 

His arm moved up again, knuckles meeting wood.

Why was this so hard? Why did his mind always make things so difficult for him?

The door opened with a jerk, Jungwoo jumped back, alarmed.

"I knew it." A grin and sparkling eyes greeted him. "Hey, Snoopy. Come on in, don't just stand there." 

Lucas bowed theatrically, then gestured inside the house. "Chen and Kun are in the living room. Do you want me to carry you or are you gonna walk yourself?"

"Don't laugh at me now. If you do, I'll kill you. But- But, I'm kinda scared," whispered Jungwoo. He'd never been in a situation like this. Just thinking about all the things that could go wrong and all the ways he could embarrass himself made him dizzy. 

"Stop overthinking." Lucas lowered his voice, took a step closer to Jungwoo. "It's just the three of us and an 8-year-old. You're fine. And you can always leave, just give me a sign and we'll go." The younger boy's soothing voice had become familiar, calming almost. Jungwoo nodded to himself, feeling braver. _I can do this._

He heard the approaching steps first, his eyes darting towards the source.

"Jungwoo!" Kun appeared in the door frame with his signature Disney prince smile and a bag of chips. "I'm glad you're here!"

Shyly, Jungwoo greeted back, took off his shoes. Exchanging 'How-are-yous' and 'How-have-you-beens', he followed the two boys to the living room, eyes scanning his surroundings. 

The decoration chosen showed mature taste, elements of vintage and minimalism overlapped. Beige and white wallpapers covered the walls along with floral paintings and photographs documenting the growth of a black-haired boy from his toddler days to his early childhood. Jungwoo was still looking at a photograph of a toddler playing with Legos, when a high voice said, "Hi! I'm Chen. You're Jungwoo?"

"I'm Jungwoo," nodded he, a smile forming on his face.

The small one looked adorable. He had pitch black hair, huge friendly eyes and lips that had a natural kitten-ish shape. He was jumping up and down restlessly, his little body overflowing with energy.

"Lucas said you're really cool and Lucas is always right, right? Because Lucas is the coolest!" 

An instant high five from _the coolest_ made Chen's face light up with pride.

"Don't worry, I'm much cooler than Lucas," Jungwoo ignored Lucas' immediate protest. "Are those your toys, Chen?"

Spread across the beige carpet were trading cards and build-it-yourself figures. Were those _Transformers_? Jungwoo's knowledge of children's toys was insufficient.

"Yes, but we're not playing with them right now. We're playing with my PlayStation.  _Overwatch!_ "

Donghyuck's face flashed in front of Jungwoo's eyes.

"Cool," he said, having absolutely no idea what _Overwatch_ was, nor how to play it. All he had seen before related to the game was a giant _D.Va_ poster on Donghyuck's door that had the logo on it.

Chen took the controller in both hands, sat on the floor and resumed playing. 

A bit lost, Jungwoo looked around. Lucas was half-laying on the white couch with his long legs weirdly curled under him and Kun was sitting at the other end, busy putting a bunch of cards into a box.

Lucas' eyes caught his. With an encouraging expression, he tapped on the couch and Jungwoo followed, sat down. Body tension high, he looked stiffly from Lucas to Chen to Kun. 

_I can do this. I can do this._

Lucas jumped up, startling Jungwoo. "I'll go get more cookies!"

"Get those with the chocolate chips," said a high-pitched voice from the floor.

"Your mom is going to kill me. Do you know how much sugar you've eaten today? That's so unhealthy," Kun sighed, hands put into the pockets of his blue jeans. He was wearing a beige shirt and had his hair neatly combed to the side. As always he looked soft, almost warm. Like someone you'd want to spend cozy days with.

The realization that they were (almost) alone hit Jungwoo. This was his chance to say something really cute. Or funny. Or maybe anything at all? 

But before he could speak Kun said, "I really hope I didn't bother you. I know you have better stuff to do on a Saturday night than to babysit," he gestured towards the kid with a loving smile and mouthed the word 'him', "but it's really fun. The more the merrier."

"No, no. I'm glad you told me to come over."

Just then Lucas entered with a "What's up!" and a tray filled with chocolate chips cookies and a cup. He placed it on the white wooden table, which was already crowded with snacks and drinks. The three boys didn't seem to have had left the living room much today.

"Made you tea," mumbled Lucas, placing the cup in front of Jungwoo, "Peppermint. One spoon honey."

Jungwoo noticed how Kun's eyes flew from him to Lucas and back to him.

_Too much. Too much._

"Chen! Try these!" shouted Jungwoo, holding up the first bag of candy he could grab from the table. A bag of jellies.

The kid looked up at the older boy, suspicious at first, he had been distracted from his game after all, but the moment he saw the candy he jumped up gleefully. "I love those!"

The hazelnut-haired boy threw Chen the sweets. Of course, he missed.

"You can have three. I'm counting, Chen. I'm serious, put them down. Right now." Kun's quiet voice echoed through the room. 

Voice whiny, the child cried, "You're so mean! I'm not a baby! Lucas! Tell him I'm not a baby."

"Uh... Your mom is so gonna kick my ass if I do that again. I'm out. Pretend I'm not here."

Chen and Kun fell into a heated discussion on whether or not 8 year-olds should decide their sugar intake themselves. Of course, all of Kun's reasonable arguments were buried in "I can tie my shoelaces alone" and "Yesterday I heated up food in the microwave all by myself!".

Lucas softly poked Jungwoo's sides, making him turn. 

"What?"

He looked at his friend's sleeveless black shirt and black sweatpants, knew that he was showing off his long limbs on purpose. Count on Lucas to always do his best to look good.

Almost shyly, the tall boy asked Jungwoo, "You good?"

He nodded, "Sure. You?"

"Of course, man." Lucas crossed his arms, subtly flexing his muscles.

"Lucas, tell him to stop arguing with me," groaned Kun, patience obviously running thin. He collected figurines from the floor and put them into a bucket, earning vexed glares from Chen in return. 

"If you don't stop being a jerk, I'll get mad. Kun cares about your teeth, Chenchen. You gotta eat healthy or you won't get arms like these." He stroked a bodybuilder pose, muscles flexed. "Got it?"

Jungwoo stared at him with disbelief, which only grew when Chen nodded eagerly and finally put the candy down.

"Thank you," mouthed Kun over the child's head. 

Lucas gave him a thumbs up.

 

Watching Kun and Lucas take care of Chen left a warm, fuzzy feeling in Jungwoo. The two were a team; they knew exactly how to stop the little one from acting up without him even noticing. Kun had a way of talking with the kid that made Jungwoo melt, so soft-spoken and gentle was he. And every time Chen insisted on doing something that he wasn't supposed to do Lucas distracted him with another game.

The little boy was by no means a difficult child, he was friendly and cheerful. Only an hour after their very first meeting, he had started calling Jungwoo 'WooWoo' in his cute, high-pitched voice, something that had resulted in a flattered  _WooWoo_  sliding him another jelly when Kun was distracted.

 

* * *

 

After a long discussion on which movie to watch, a discussion in which only Jungwoo and Lucas engaged, the four decided on  _Black Panther_. Jungwoo had seen the movie at the cinema months ago with Taeyong and Mark but was more than glad to watch it again.

He tried to keep his comments to himself, knowing how annoying he could get when he got too excited about something. But, to be fair, his remarks consisted mostly of breathless "there he is again" and "god... did you just see that" whenever Killmonger appeared on the screen.

When the villain appeared once again, Jungwoo threw himself on the couch, landing between Lucas and a half-sleeping Chen. The little boy had almost fought him for the seat next to Lucas before. He had insisted on sitting there, wanting to be closer to his _cool best friend._ Jungwoo, defeated, moved to the floor. 

Now Chen had his head on Kun's lap and could barely keep his eyes open. He was too tired to notice Jungwoo sliding into the empty space between Lucas and him.

"Stop rooting for Killmonger. He's the bad guy," his roommate gave him a disapproving look but threw the pillow pressed between them behind the couch to offer more space.

Shoving the tall boy's endless legs aside, Jungwoo replied, "He's not _that_ evil."

"How is he not evil?" mumbled Lucas, trying to focus on both the dialogue happening on the screen and Jungwoo's words.

Feigning to be more annoyed than he actually was, Jungwoo said, "Uh, nevermind. You won't get it. I'm not saying he's right, I'm saying he's misunderstood."

A scoff left Lucas' plump lips. "Misunderstood? Like Loki? And Snape? Are you really going to give me that speech _again_? Who else made it to your 'Misunderstood characters who I love for some weird reason' list? Help me out, I think I forgot a few."

Jungwoo's glare was lethal, yet the smirking boy didn't look intimidated at all. 

"Admit it, you just think he's hot," coughed Lucas quietly, making sure Kun and Chen couldn't hear him. 

Cheeks burning red, Jungwoo looked over to Kun whose eyes were locked on the screen. He pinched Lucas' arm hard, but discreetly. Barely audible, he said, "You're so annoying. I swear, I'll end up kicking your a-"

"Are you threatening me?" said Lucas loudly.

The smaller one gave him another glare, but whispered sweetly, "I'd never."

"Kun, call the police."

Amused, Kun glanced at the two, attention still on the TV. "You two make a funny pair."

"No, we don't," said Jungwoo quickly. Lucas rubbed his abused arm with a frown. 

The oldest boy laughed, focus quickly shifting back to the fight on-screen. Chen's head was still lying on his lap. The small boy gave Jungwoo a kittenish smile, "I think Killmonger is super cool."

Jungwoo high-fived him with a proud nod.

 

* * *

 

Once Chen's daily TV limit was reached, after already having been extended by two hours with the merciful support of Lucas, it was quite an act to stop him from making a huge fuss over Kun turning off the TV. 

"No! Give me the remote! I wanna watch _Steven Universe_ with you! I-" The child fought tears of helplessness, steaming of anger.

"Calm down, Chen. Watching TV is boring anyway, let's do something more fun."

Lucas stared at Jungwoo for support as Kun was standing with his back to him. Unable to come up with anything, Jungwoo pulled a beaten face.

Not impressed, the little boy cried louder, "It's not fair, I'm grown!"

"Wait, I have something much better than TV," Kun's eyes sparkled with excitement. "Let me tell you a story." He leaned into his seat, a huge grin on his face.

Curiosity defeating pride, Chen sat down next to him. "What story?"

Suddenly Kun's expression changed from excited to worried. "No, no, I shouldn't. It's too scary. And after all, it's a true story, too." Getting up and picking up a tray filled with dirty cups, he shook his head, "Your mom would kill me if I told you _that_ story."

With both hands Chen pulled him back on the couch, now clearly intrigued. "Please tell me! I promise I won't tell mom."

Kun made a serious face and hesitantly sat down again. He gestured Lucas and Jungwoo to come closer, too.

"Guys, do you think I should tell him?" asked Kun with a subtle wink.

"You should!" shouted Lucas, nearly crushing Jungwoo, who was still sitting between him and Chen, as he reached over his roommate to ruffle the little boy's hair. Chen beamed at him.

Happiness radiated from the small one whenever Lucas showered him in affection. And, fortunately, Lucas loved praising Chen. He wasn't one to throw empty words. Jungwoo observed how he showed his fondness in his own way: never too obvious, never too cheesy, only ever hinted at and mostly through actions. Not only the boy's cousin, but Lucas too, was constantly paying attention to the boy and his every need.

Jungwoo protested, "Don't tell the story if it's really creepy or I won't get a wink of sleep tonight."

That was the last push needed, Chen was jumping up and down with excitement and Kun's satisfied smile made clear that he too knew he had him on the hook.

Jungwoo felt Lucas' hand brush over his shoulder, him coming closer, only audible for Jungwoo's ears whispering, "Don't pee yourself. Remember, I can protect you tonight."

When Jungwoo pinched him as hard as he could, hidden from the eyes of Kun of course, Lucas didn't flinch but chuckled quietly.

 

After a string of promises from Chen, saying again and again that he'd go to bed right after the story, Kun dimmed the lights, creating the atmosphere needed to keep an eight-year-old hooked.  

"Okay. I'll just start. If you get too scared, tell me to stop. I heard about this from a friend who had a cousin who this happened to. I'm telling you exactly what he told me, so -" he stopped, looked at them one by one, building suspense. "Let's call him A. I know his name, but we shouldn't use it, we don't wanna attract-" Again, he stopped, this time swallowing hard, biting his lips.

"One night, A. and his friends were hanging out, playing video games, when one of them suggested going to the playground close to their old elementary school. The school had been closed for nearly three years by then. There was need for construction work all over the place and it would've been too expensive to fund, so they decided to move to another building or something. Anyway," Kun's took a sip of water, pausing. "Once they were at their old school they saw that the entrance wasn't locked. So, one of A.'s friends suggested going into the building, thinking they might find something cool. Being dumb boys, they made a bet out of it. They played rock-paper-scissors, the loser had to go inside alone for at least ten minutes and search the place. A. lost the game. He thought about running home, he was so, so scared, but he couldn't show his friends. Instead, he pretended to be fine with it, told them to start the timer and he opened the heavy entrance doors. Once inside, he regretted not going home when he had the chance. The big door closed behind him with an earsplitting sound and he stood in an empty hallway, lockers left and right rusty and damaged."

Jungwoo felt Lucas crawling closer in the darkness, could feel a long arm being placed on the couch right behind him. Chen was completely silent, eyes on Kun only.

"A. walked through the corridors, not sure what exactly he was supposed to find. There were a few open lockers, but he didn't dare look inside. He thought to himself that maybe he should just look for a hammer or something the construction workers had left behind. Then, A. saw a classroom he felt he had seen before. He remembered having had class there years ago. Much to his surprise, the door was unlocked. He pushed the door open, not daring to walk in yet when he saw that he wasn't alone. There were kids in that room. Not just one or two. Every single seat was filled with little kids, who all simultaneously looked up at him."

Chen inhaled sharply, eyes large. Lucas leaned his head on Jungwoo's shoulder from behind, putting one arm around the smaller.

The storyteller flashed a devilish smile, before he calmly continued, "A. knew that something was off instantly. The kids were too pale, there was no teacher and they all looked at him with huge grins and glassy eyes. 'Sit with us' they sang, 'You can be our new friend!' A. took a step back. Then he saw how weirdly gray the children's skin colors were. 'Sit with us, sit with us' they all chanted louder and louder until their shouts were all the boy could hear. Out of nowhere, a chair appeared in the middle of the room and A. knew it was _his_ chair. He turned around and ran."

"The second he turned he could feel things being thrown at him, erasers, books, pens. He didn't stop running, he didn't care. He didn't turn around until he was outside again, surrounded by his friends. A. could barely breathe, he had never ran that fast in his entire life, but he still managed to tell his friends what happened. Of course, they didn't believe him. They laughed at him, said he made it up, but A. knew he didn't. He was telling the truth."

Kun furrowed his eyebrows, voice lower, "They all went home right after. A. was too upset to stay there, he just wanted to leave. When he finally was home, he took his jacket off and saw something falling out. A tiny eraser. 'Kim + Leo - 1953' was carved into it. Only then A. understood what he had seen that night. Ghosts."

The storyteller ended the story skillfully with innocent eyes and a stoic expression.

"Is this really a true story?" asked Chen. Fear was carved into his face.

Kun nodded. 

"Really?" Lucas blinked rapidly, voice barely more than a whisper. "Really, Kun?"

The story had affected him almost as much as Chen. Throughout the whole tale Jungwoo had felt Lucas moving restlessly behind him, his hand continuously holding on to the collar of Jungwoo's sweater.

Looking at the terrified face, the hazelnut-haired boy fought the overwhelming urge to tease him. But, given that he seemed genuinely scared, he didn't and only shook his head judgingly.  

Kun ruffled Chen's hair, said, "Don't ever go inside an abandoned building alone. You never know who might be inside."

_Count on Kun to turn a ghost story into a lesson._

 

* * *

 

 

A little later Kun left with Chen to put him to bed. The boy left without throwing a fit, keeping his promise.

Jungwoo noticed a certain giant being unusually quiet. When he suggested helping with the cleaning by putting the dishes in the dishwasher, Lucas only nodded absentmindedly. Without looking at his roommate, Lucas walked into the kitchen, carrying more cups in one hand than Jungwoo could hold in both.

It was storming outside, rain beating violently on the huge window. The kitchen was lit faintly, orange light coming from lamps put in the corners. Chen's mom had amazing taste. A large black table stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by matching chairs. Colorful plates and cups decorated the place, everything looked cozy and welcoming. Sure, it was a little messy, but Jungwoo appreciated even that.

"How about I unload the dishwasher and you put the dishes away, 'cause I have no idea where to put them."

A single nod. 

Jungwoo quickly placed everything on the counter for Lucas to sort into the shelves, glancing over at the frozen boy while doing so. 

_Is this about Kun? Is this about what he said I shouldn't ask him about anymore? But why? Did something happen? Or is he..._

"Lucas?" Jungwoo put a violet plate down, gawking at his friend. "Are you scared of ghosts?"

"Of course not," denied the tall boy, cheeks flushed.

It took Jungwoo a single look at his face to know that he was lying: Wong Lucas was scared of ghosts.

He really, really wanted to laugh, but his conscience wouldn't allow it. "Lucas, you're tall and big. And loud. Very, very loud. If ghosts exist, I'm sure they're more scared of you than you are of them."

Lucas' eyes lit up, the corners of his lips lifting slowly. "Really?"

"That... wasn't a compliment. Why do you look so happy? Oh my god, stop looking at me like that," Jungwoo handed him two cups and a towel. "Please, just dry these."

All of a sudden, thunder struck outside, just when Lucas' hand reached out for the cups. The sound startled him, made him flinch. One cup flew to the ground, shattering with a loud noise.

"Fuck," mumbled he, eyeing the mess.

"Don't," said Jungwoo, "I'll clean. Throw me the towel." 

He tidied the marble floor, collected the pieces, while Lucas stood aside, obviously uncomfortable. 

"Sorry."

Jungwoo smiled up at him teasingly, "What are you sorry for? It's not my cup."

"I mean-" A little confused he licked his lips, then scrunched his nose, "Sorry for having to clean, I mean."

Throwing the pieces into the trash, after Lucas showed him where the bin was, Jungwoo replied, "It was nothing, loser."

 

Although Jungwoo had finished his part of the work, he offered Lucas to help him if he showed him where to put the dishes. Needless to say, he agreed.

It felt strangely familiar, standing next to him in the kitchen, even though Jungwoo's pathetic excuse of a fridge and a stove couldn't compare at all.

_So, this is my life now? A life in which I feel comfortable in the kitchen with Lucas? The Lucas?_

From the side, he peeked at Lucas' face, the full lips, the dark eyebrows and the curved eyelashes. His side profile was undeniably beautiful. Jungwoo's eyes stayed on Lucas' jawline for a second too long. The younger boy caught his eye but misinterpreted his gaze as an unspoken request. 

"Wait, I'll help you." Moving behind the older, Lucas took the plate from Jungwoo's unmoving hands, then raised his arm to put it on the highest shelf.

Lightning flashed through the window and thunder struck again, roaring. It sounded much closer to the building this time. 

Lucas' arms dropped to his sides. Jungwoo could feel the boy's chest pressing against his back. Lucas' head fell on the smaller boy's shoulders, his face buried in the fabric of the sweater. Lucas' hair was tickling his neck, but Jungwoo didn't move.

"Are you okay?"

The other's breathing was uneven, his forehead pressed against Jungwoo's shoulder.

"Lucas?"

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

 

Time had stopped in their little world. They stood there, frozen, for what felt like an eternity.

An eternity of body heat exchanging, breathing too slow and Lucas' head on Jungwoo's shoulder.

An eternity of Jungwoo keeping his eyes shut tightly, his hand touching Lucas' just enough to let him know that he's there for him.

An eternity of Lucas' heart beating against Jungwoo's spine, him breathing through the fabric of Jungwoo's shirt.

The clock started ticking again when thunder struck outside, bringing the two back to reality with a roar.

 

Lucas was the first to move again, lifting only his head bit by bit. Not a single word left his lips.

Jungwoo opened his eyes, blinking fast. He thought of all the ways he could break the silence without making Lucas feel uncomfortable.

"Nod if you're okay."

He felt Lucas nodding, the taller's chin touching his shoulder multiple times.

"Nod if you wanna talk about it, shake your head if you don't."

The other shook his head vehemently, a soft chuckle leaving his lips.

His hair tickled Jungwoo's cheek again. The older scratched the spot where Lucas' hair met his skin but didn't push him away.

"Your hair - It smells like mine. It always does. I mean, of course, we're using the same shampoo, but-" Jungwoo bit his lower lip, kept himself from saying anything dumb. "Even though we're using the same shampoo it smells a tiny bit different on you. Why?"

_It smells better on you,_ he thought. He'd never say the words aloud. Instead, quite teasingly, he added, "Oh nevermind, I nearly forgot your offensive aftershave. That probably makes all the difference. But, am I imagining things or have you been using less lately?"

More nodding.

"Why?" asked Jungwoo curiously.

"I like that scent more."

"Which one?"

"The shampoo. It smells like you. I like how you smell."

Jungwoo turned around, his eyes finally meeting Lucas' after eternity.

"Okay, how about you take a step back Edward Cullen." He walked over to the fridge, took out a water bottle and closed it again. The distance between the two and the dim light hid Jungwoo's scarlet face mercifully. His hands clutched tightly around the bottle, his heart attempted to escape captivity inside his chest. "Do you tell people you like their scent often? What's next, are you gonna crush metal? Maybe throw a car?"

Lucas' eyes were filled with confusion. "Who is Edward Colleen?"

"The vampire from _Twilight_ , of course. How do you not know that? Where have you been the past 10 years?"

Going into defense mode, Lucas answered, "I remember watching the trailer. Looked boring. Anyway, I wouldn't be that ugly vampire. I'd be that werewolf dude."

"I hate to say this," Jungwoo put down the water bottle, horror and disgust printed on his face, "but you'd make a great Jacob."

 

For the next ten minutes, Jungwoo and Lucas argued over whether or not Lucas had alpha wolf potential. As expected, Lucas insisted on being a born alpha, while Jungwoo claimed Lucas would make the worst alpha possible, not only because of his fear of ghosts (which Lucas now denied and Jungwoo not-so-kindly brought up in every second sentence), but because of various other reasons which Jungwoo all made up on the spot. They left the kitchen clean and tidy, but still caught up in a heated discussion.

 

* * *

 

"No, I'm serious. I haven't seen him that happy in a long time. He kept asking me if you'd come over again soon," he smiled widely, warmth spreading from him. "And I might have promised him you would. My bad."

"Are you kidding? I'm honored. Just give him my number, I'll hang out with him every day." Jungwoo leaned his head against the headrest, both feet pulled up on the couch. Maybe he shouldn't have worn his Snoopy socks today. Did they make him look childish?

Kun was sitting across him, covered with a white wool blanket. His usually neatly combed hair was tousled and he looked tired, but not in a bad way. 

Lucas had left the room to call his mother. At least that was what he had said. Jungwoo hadn't heard him talk with his mom on the phone before. Was he only ever calling her when he was outside?

"Deal," said Kun and Jungwoo froze. He didn't want to hear the word _deal_ anymore, regardless of context.

"You babysit Chen often, right?" 

Kun offered him a chocolate bar, but Jungwoo politely refused.

"My aunt has a lot to do with work and my uncle is always on business trips. You know, like Lucas' dad. But honestly, I love being around Chen, it doesn't get tiring. He's a good kid."

"He is," mumbled Jungwoo, before saying, "Do you know Lucas' parents?"

"I do. I don't know if he has ever told you, but our parents have been friends since college. We used to play together as kids, but when we were nine - wait or ten? - Lucas' family moved away. They moved back a few years ago, then we started talking again."

Jungwoo allowed the information to sink in. He hadn't known that. Weirdly, he had never really thought about how Lucas and Kun might have met. They were so different, it was hard to imagine them meeting somewhere and thinking to themselves, 'Yeah, that's someone I wanna keep in touch with'. Childhood friends was a much better explanation. 

"Must be nice to have a childhood friend like Lucas. Given how he behaves now... He must have been a very lively kid."

Kun laughed, "He was absolutely wild. He got into so much trouble. Back then, I used to act like I'm his older brother or something, even scolded him when he did stupid stuff. God, we used to do the dumbest things."

"What were you like as a kid, Kun?"

"That's a hard question to answer. It's easy to talk about others when it comes to those kinda things, but yourself? That's impossible," he presented his signature smile and Jungwoo couldn't help but smile back. "I guess, I was normal? I wasn't wild nor too quiet. As I said, I was the older brother in our little friend group back then."

Jungwoo placed a pillow on his lap, playing with the fringes. "You still kinda are, aren't you?"

"Old habits die hard," grinned Kun. "What about you?"

"I didn't play all that much outside? I was inside a lot, reading, watching cartoons, you can't even imagine how much time I've spent infront of the TV, and I read mangas non-stop. Kinda boring, I know."

"No, you sound like someone I'd have gotten along with well as a kid."

"Only as a kid?" said Jungwoo with a cheeky smile. His heart skipped a beat waiting for the reply.

"What's up, guys!" shouted a deep voice. Lucas walked in with his phone in his hand and his lips forced into a smile. "I'm really sorry, but I gotta go! Dumb family drama! Jungwoo, do you wanna stay, or?"

Jungwoo stood up immediately. "I better get home, too. It's late."

Quickly, they put on their shoes and jackets, as Lucas seemed to be in a rush suddenly. Jungwoo thanked Kun for the food multiple times, brain not catching on with what was happening yet. Why was Lucas almost running?

The tall boy hugged Kun, mumbled something about texting him later and walked out first. 

"I expect you here again soon," said Kun to Jungwoo.

"Count on me!" replied he with a soft laugh. He didn't wait for Kun to close the door, had no time to wave back.

He ran down the stairs, looking for Lucas in the darkness. He saw him standing next to a street lamp in the distance, his head turned towards Jungwoo, waiting for him.

_Why are you always on the run? What are you running from?_

Jungwoo sprinted to catch up with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO MY LOVES, I'm sorry it took me two weeks to write this chap ;; Ironically, I was busy babysitting LMAO Also, I should just say I'll upload biweekly from now on, so that if I upload weekly its a nice surprise.. cause obviously it's not working that well,,,,,,  
> Thank you to everyone who told me their opinions on the diary entries, about 90% of you liked them and for the other 10% I'll try to keep them a little less angsty, so dw!!   
> Also, as always, thank you for still reading this story, seriously every comment, kudos & feedback I get makes my day <3 Okay I'll shut up now ilu


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: discussing homophobia

"What are you running from, Lucas?" Jungwoo, out of breath, caught up with him. He gave Lucas a wide smile, face radiating happiness.

Today had gone much better than expected. He'd had fun and had managed to act normal around Kun: No tripping, no awkward silences, not even dropping things. He'd done well.

The episode with Lucas crossed his mind and he repressed the memories, put them in his mental 'Lucas related things I don't understand"-box. One day he'd have to deal with the content, but today wasn't the day.

Now, the boy causing him mental distress was standing in front of him with his hands in his jacket's pockets and his eyes dull. His deep voice growled, "Nothing," all while being obviously upset.

"Whatever you say," Jungwoo pursed his lips, euphoria vanishing.

Lucas walked in the opposite direction of the bus stop, not looking back to see if Jungwoo was following him.

"Uh... Are we- Are we not gonna take the bus?" asked the confused boy.

Not turning around, Lucas said, "Is it okay if we walk home? It helps me think."

"Sure."

Truth to be told, Jungwoo much rather would've taken the bus, but judging from the gloomy look on his friend's face a walk might be what was needed. And someone to be at his side, perhaps.

"Lucas?" he pulled the hem of the boy's jacket from behind, stopping him. "Come on, tell me what's wrong. Did something happen? Did your mom say something?"

Pace slower now, Lucas walked alongside Jungwoo, arms brushing with every step. "I don't wanna bother you with more shit."

"You're not bothering me. Please, tell me."

A contemplative look, gulping. "My dad told my mom I better make up my mind and decide all that was a phase, or he-" He didn't finish the sentence. There was no need to.

Jungwoo looked up at the starless night sky. Darkness had swallowed heaven.

"No, don't do that. Fuck that. You don't have to go home. At least not yet. You can stay with me, Lucas. You can live with me 'till I graduate and they kick me out the dorms. And then..." he trailed off, not sure what would follow then. Would he graduate, move out and still live with Lucas? How was that gonna work? There was a tiny voice in Jungwoo that promised it'd work out somehow, but he didn't trust it. They weren't close enough for him to make those promises.

"You're cute." A weak smile appeared on Lucas' somber face. "Thank you for saying that. I... I don't know what to do," a bitter laugh, eyes darting up at heaven's blackness. "I feel like I'm disappointing them just by existing and, don't get me wrong, but I'm not used to that. They used to be so proud of me; my dad loved bragging to the whole family about every medal, every competition won. Now, I bet he wished he'd never had me in the first place."

Jungwoo halted, reached out, stopping Lucas from moving by putting a hand on his chest.

"Shut up. Don't ever say that again. Don't ever think those things. Don't. Don't. Fucking don't." He was almost screaming, but he didn't care.

Lucas' face softened, frustration turning into something else.

"Stop thinking it's your fault, Lucas. It's not. You've done nothing wrong. You're not a disappointment and all this happening right now, it's not your fault."

A sea of black was shining down on the two, gray patches disrupting the darkness. Sometimes temptation to let it swallow him haunted Jungwoo, but he'd fought too long to see the world in colors to go back to black and white now.

"How do you deal with the ugly parts, Jungwoo? You don't seem to be- it's like... you're brave."

They started walking again, the fabric of Jungwoo's sweater almost glued to Lucas' jacket.

"Good friends and not giving a fuck. Get yourself a Doyoung," he laughed softly, missing his fierce best friend as a gummy smile and bunny eyes appeared in his thoughts. "I get it though. I think we all have to overcome the feeling of isolation somehow, the feeling of being  _different_ to put it kindly."

Lucas looked at him attentively, not saying anything. Jungwoo continued, his hand on the other's shoulder.

"Let me explain how it is for me: Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter how many rainbow flags we raise and how many pride marches happen, sometimes I feel like we're all just stuck in a world that hates us." He looked up, blinking away tears. "But then I think about all that's yet to happen, about how you can't change the world overnight. And I tell myself there will be change, this can't be it and that progress really only happens one step at a time." He swallowed the bitterness away, smiling. "Maybe we all just need to take our own _one step_ and with all the steps combined, we'll reach the end of the staircase one day. Maybe your one step will be not telling your dad what he wants to hear. Maybe it's something else entirely. Who knows."

The dorms were only minutes away now. Deliberately walking slower, Jungwoo glanced at Lucas. They weren't in a hurry to get home anymore. Silence kept them company for a while before Lucas continued the conversation.

"I could still go back to how things were before, you know. I could say it was a mistake or a phase or whatever he wants to hear and not destroy the bond between me and my dad forever because of something I'm not even sure I feel."

Keeping himself from scoffing, Jungwoo replied, "So, nothing you ever felt towards boys counts? Kinda sounds like you're lying to yourself. Look at me." Their eyes met. "Look at me and honestly tell me you're 'not sure' about what you feel." He made quotation marks in the air as he spoke.

Lucas stared at him, round eyes blinking slowly. "I'm sure."

_And he does it again. That thing with his eyes going 'blink blink' and his head going 'click' cocked to the side. If he does the lip thing- Yeah, he did the lip thing. Really damn great._

Pretending that his heart wasn't suddenly at war with his ribs, Jungwoo took a deep breath and said, "See, I knew it." Pace quickening, he elaborated, "There's no use in fighting it. Believe me, I've tried."

He looked at the tall boy with a shyness he had never felt in his company before, and softly continued, "I can't promise you he'll be okay with it. I can't promise you everything will be fine, but I promise you I'll be here for you, okay? Not because of a deal or anything. As a friend."

Before he could process what was happening, Lucas had pulled him into a hug, long limbs embracing Jungwoo's body. Warmth gathering in his face, Jungwoo pressed his nose in the other's jacket, inhaling a mixture of Lucas' perfume and minty aftershave.

_That damn aftershave._

Sometimes Jungwoo forgot that they were almost the same height, but now, with Lucas' lips too close to his when he at last looked up, it hit him again.

"Thank you."

The smaller leaned backward, eyes avoiding the black eyelashes and bitten lips. "That's what friends are for, mate."

_Mate. Mate. Mate!?_

Lucas snorted, his arms falling. "Mate?"

Jungwoo's entire body was on fire. Not the good kind. Why was his tongue faster than his brain?

The taller chuckled, "Snoopy-bro, let's go home."

_Snoopy-bro_  followed him, every inch of his face in flames "Okay, pal."

A little later, just around the corner of the building, Jungwoo felt words leaving his mouth, which had been playing hide-and-seek in his mind all day. "Can I ask you something?"

Lucas gave him an affirmative look. 

"Why haven't you told Kun?"

His friend gave it some thought, brooding over the answer. "I was scared it'd make things weird between us. It's difficult, it's-" His mouth opened and closed, a shadow fell on his face. "I can't explain."

Jungwoo nodded fast, "It's okay, you don't have to."

He ran ahead until he could walk backwards, trying hard not to lose balance while he did so. "So, is this a thing now? You and me walking under the stars at midnight, hating the world?"

A chuckle, eyes coming back to life with a glow. "I could get used to that. Sounds romantic."

The cold breeze cooled the boy's hot skin, the whistling sound of the wind cuddling with the noise created by the two.

He grinned, "Don't fall in love, my friend. I'm known for breaking hearts."

Lucas grinned back, voice dripping with sweetness as he laid a hand on his heart and said, "That'd explain the pain."

 

* * *

 

When Jungwoo was sure Lucas was asleep (he could tell by the change in his breathing pattern), he crawled out of bed and looked for his diary. He kept it hidden between a geography book and his Harry Potter book collection. 

Lucas had never cared to look through the bookshelf, so Jungwoo wasn't worried about him finding it.

Turning pages until he reached the sentences he'd written in the locked bathroom after taking a shower that night, he reread all the things he'd never say out loud. He used his phone's flashlight to see the words written messily in blue ink, then his eyes fell on the softly snoring boy on the floor.

"Asshole," he whispered. "What are you doing to me?"

Lucas kept sleeping peacefully, cheeks pressed against the Snoopy plushie.

 

 

_#89_

_Boys like you have poison disguised as honey dripping from their lips.  
_ _You taste sweet at first, inviting, but I know the longer I suck on your plump lips, the greater the pain when I lay in the dark._

  _Boys like you have angelic faces and devilish intentions.  
_ _You have irresistible smiles, making everyone your own with beautiful words and the sweetest lies._

_Boys like you kiss and tell. Boys like you have magical laughs and ugly pasts. Boys like you don't fall in love, but make love instead._

_And boys like me, we eat it all up and ask for more._

 

_#90_

_And just like that I stopped looking for stars in the night sky and began searching them in your eyes instead._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, this bit was actually part of the last chap, but I didn't finish on time and part of me didn't wanna post a 8k word chapter ((thats a whole one shot LMAO)), so here we gooo. I still hope u liked this shorter chapter ~ 
> 
> To anyone who could relate to the issues, I hope u know I love u, you're brave and absolutely precious. I hope with all my heart that one day we'll reach the end of the staircase ❤
> 
> Also, a little spoiler we going full fluff next chapter :))))) SORRY if it got too angsty ILUUU


	18. Chapter 18

Jungwoo spent the whole week buried in books and coffee: Monday and Tuesday he worked on his paper in the library, Wednesday evening he made colorful flashcards (he had to admit, he did spend way too much time prettily highlighting words instead of actually summarizing) and on Thursday he revised with the help of Doyoung until his tired eyes could barely focus anymore. He ended up sleeping over at his best friend's flat again that night.

He'd hardly seen his roommate during the week as both of them were drowning in assignments. Nonetheless, Jungwoo could expect daily messages from Lucas. Sending 'Good morning' and 'Good night' texts became a habit, just like sending each other song recommendations and emojis throughout the day.

Part of Jungwoo was happy about the newly won distance, it gave him time to think about last Saturday. The more days passed the more confident he became that he definitely wasn't going to think of Lucas _that way_ anymore. It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing, his fragile heart overreacting once again.

 _Everyone would get those thoughts walking home with a cute boy at midnight. And he hugged me after all,_  Jungwoo told himself. _We're just roommates. Friends._

 

On Friday he went home earlier, around 7pm, and encountered a napping Lucas, whom he woke up to go grocery shopping with.  

They'd started going to the supermarket together once a week and the reason why they _both_ had to go was simple: Jungwoo refused to let Lucas play games on his phone at home while he had to run errands. At first, he had almost regretted that decision for it felt strange displaying their friendship in public so openly, especially since displaying affection was something Lucas apparently loved to do. He was even touchier in public than he was at home, constantly putting his arm around his friend, hugging him whenever Jungwoo wasn't expecting it. The questionable behavior had resulted in Jungwoo reminding him not to call him _Snoopy_  outside their (temporarily shared) flat about a million times and him establishing clear rules on Lucas randomly hugging him from behind in the bus or while waiting in line at the supermarket.

"Same goes for using me as a human armrest: don't do it!" he had groaned as they'd gotten home from the store where Lucas had rested his arm on the smaller's shoulders at least three times. Lucas had given him a hurt look but eventually promised to cease his unpredictable attacks.

Truthfully, much more annoying than his touchy behavior was another habit of Lucas' which Jungwoo had only recently discovered: His friend had a thing for flirting with strangers without being aware of it. It drove Jungwoo - although he'd never admit it - mad. Too often had the charismatic boy given pretty girls and boys his trademark smile and raspy "thank you"s that had resulted in Jungwoo pulling the other closer by the hem of his hoodie and gifting the lovestruck stranger with a nasty glare.

Lucas was either absolutely oblivious of his effect on others or, and Jungwoo was convinced this was the case, he loved seeing the receiver of his smug smirk blush in every shade of red. Anyhow, Jungwoo wasn't really keen on observing the spectacle, so he instructed his roommate to follow him closely at all times and to carry whatever the smaller handed him during their little trips. But, as expected, Lucas would drift away from time to time, distracted by something he'd seen and Jungwoo had no choice but to drag him back, feeling like a mom who had to physically remove her kid from the toy store. Even that was better than being forced to watch Lucas be a giant flirt.

 

Today it was bright red roses which attracted the tall boy's attention, causing him to leave Jungwoo at the snacks section.

Struggling with the overwhelming options when it came to chips flavors, Jungwoo took his time deciding. After that, he spent another five minutes searching for Nutella and when he was, at last, done, he looked around for a tall boy in a white shirt, but couldn't find him.

He heard his voice before he could see him.

"These are beautiful."

Jungwoo followed the source of the voice until he saw Lucas standing a few meters away in front of colorful flowers, biting his lips in thought as his eyes wandered from bouquet to bouquet.

"You wanna get your girlfriend some?" asked him the girl behind the counter, leaning over, her brown hair falling over the register. She wore a flower behind her ear, a pink one, matching her lipstick. 

Jungwoo swallowed, stopped in his tracks. He didn't really want to see another girl handing Lucas her number, the one last week had been enough. 

"Don't have one," replied Lucas with his trademark grin.

"What a shame," the girl was nearly laying on the counter now, seductive voice saying, "You mean a boy that handsome has no one to give flowers to?"

_Go on, flirt back again. Get her number, too. I'll be standing here, don't mind me._

Lucas looked around, eyes searching for something - or someone.

"Jungwoo! There you are! Do you want flowers?"

Needless to say, the girl behind the counter didn't say another word. Even when Lucas bought Jungwoo a plant - not a single cute flower, not a bouquet, no a plant, because "They last much longer!"- she only mumbled the price, avoiding eye contact with both of them.

Jungwoo stomped away from the florist, holding the little green thing proudly in his arms while Lucas carried the groceries.

 

"Can we call him 'Little Lucas'?" suggested his roommate on their way home.

"Are you kidding me?" asked Jungwoo, hugging the little plant as if to protect it."'Little Lucas' is not what I'm gonna name my child."

The other, carrying two plastic bags, made a mock upset face, "You mean _our child._ I didn't spend 9 months carrying him inside my belly for you to take him away like this."

The smaller spoke before his brain processed the words he was thinking. "So, you really wanna name your firstborn after your dick?"

"'I don't call... _it.._. Little Lucas. What the fuck?"

Jungwoo shrugged indifferently, pace quickening. "His name is Cas."

With joy in his voice, Lucas replied, "Cas... as in _Lucas_?" 

"No, Cas as in _Casper the Friendly Ghost_." 

His friend's smile vanished. 

"That was a joke. Of course, as in Lucas."

Jungwoo wasn't the only one walking down the streets with new-won pride in his face after that.

 

* * *

 

He should've known it was a trap. He should've known it was one of Doyoung's schemes. He should've.

 

Doyoung had called him that Friday evening, saying he'd bought tickets to see a movie at the cinema for the four of them. _The four_ being Doyoung, Jungwoo, Lucas and Mark. 

"I'm... not sure I've ever heard of that movie? And why did you buy four tickets, I don't even know if Lucas wants to-"

His friend interrupted him, "I texted him, he said he's free. I promised Mark to go with him and I thought 'Why not ask my best friend and _his_ best friend Lucas, because my best friend is a traitor who seems to be glued to an idiot nowadays."

Jungwoo almost choked on the toast he was eating for dinner. "Wait, since when are you and Lucas on texting terms?"

He knew he'd asked the right question when Doyoung didn't reply instantly, his hesitation giving him away. "Since that party- No, at your- Wait, no, I don't really remember. Anyway, that's not important right now. Will you be there?"

Knowing that his friend could lie too easily over the phone, Jungwoo decided to do the questioning later, face-to-face. 

"Fine, I'll be there."

 

But Doyoung wasn't there and neither was Mark.

Both had sent unconvincing "Sorry, something happened, can't make it" messages, leaving an annoyed Jungwoo and a hyperactive Lucas waiting in front of the cinema.

"This is so dumb. They do know we watch movies at home together, don't they?" mumbled Jungwoo to himself. "Doyoung even sent me the electronic tickets. Like, why does he want us to watch that movie so bad?"

 _That movie_ was the latest Nicholas Sparks novel adaptation and looked horribly boring.

"Well, he already paid for them so we might as well thank Doyoung and go waste two hours," said Lucas, hand running through his hair. He'd taken off the navy blue snapback and held it in his hands, played with its closure.

Jungwoo let out a sigh, then nodded. "Let's get popcorn."

 

The movie was worse than expected. Ten minutes into the plot and Jungwoo could already predict what was going to happen the next two hours. He shoved a handful popcorn into his mouth, looked around. Mostly couples were surrounding the two boys, couples and middle-aged women in groups, all of them sitting quite far away, something both boys were thankful for. Lucas and Jungwoo weren't holding back their criticism of the movie, offering constant - loud - commentary on how bad the plot was and how unrealistic the actors cried. 

Before long Jungwoo found himself nodding off. It was his first time falling asleep in public, but at some point he couldn't fight the urge to let slumber embrace him. He'd spent every day of the week studying and skimming through articles for his papers; sleep had been a luxury he hadn't been able to afford. But now, with his head leaning against Lucas' shoulder, he let himself fall.

 

When he opened his eyes again, he felt the weight of something on his body that hadn't been there before: Lucas' black hoodie jacket was covering him like a blanket. Instinctively, Jungwoo pulled the jacket closer, hiding his face in it. The fabric smelled like expensive perfume and Lucas' natural body scent.

"You up?" whispered a low voice.

_Did Lucas just catch me sniffing his jacket?_

Jungwoo nodded, barely audible asked, "How long did I sleep?" His cheek was rubbing against Lucas' shirt as he looked up at him.

"Forty minutes," smiled his friend, "And you didn't miss anything. This movie sucks."

They kept sitting there like that, Jungwoo's face resting against Lucas' shoulder, their hands almost touching.

But then something about the couple making out on-screen, the couple making out two rows in front of them and the damn couple kissing every time something cute happened in the movie made Jungwoo irritable and the atmosphere grew awkward. He got jumpy and started feeling more nervous than he'd ever imagined himself to be around Lucas.

Quickly, Jungwoo moved back into his own seat. 

_Doyoung will pay for this. What was he thinking? Did he think me and Lucas would end up making out? We watch movies almost every night and nothing happens._

When Lucas touched his arm, asking him to put the popcorn bucket between them, Jungwoo almost fell out of his seat. When Lucas accidentally touched his leg as he grabbed the coke can, Jungwoo almost screamed.

His obviously strange behavior resulted in a "Why are you so tense?" from the other.

"I'm not," lied Jungwoo.

Lucas rolled his eyes, "Sure."

Each time his hand met Lucas' as they both reached into the popcorn bucket, he flinched away as if bitten by an animal. When it happened for the fourth time his friend hissed, "Stop acting like this. You're being weird."

"I'm not being weird."

Out of the blue, Lucas raised his hand, suggesting, "Hold my hand."

Jungwoo let the popcorn held between his fingers fall back into the bucket. "Why would I do that?"

"'Cause I feel like it."

"Hold your own hand then, because I don't."

Even in the dark Jungwoo could see impatience appearing on the handsome face.

"Maybe then you'd stop jumping every time I touch you? Come on, it's just holding hands. I didn't ask you to unbutton your pants."

A scarlet colored Jungwoo lightly punched him, but, finally giving in, took the large hand in his to shut him up. "Happy?" asked he, voice barely a whisper.

Rough skin met his in the dark. Lucas' veiny hand was much bigger than Jungwoo's, his fingers longer. The boy's fingertips softly touched Jungwoo's skin, a thumb gently drew circles into Jungwoo's palm.

Lucas looked at him in the dark, thick lips forming a pout. "No, your hands are too sweaty." He let Jungwoo's hand fall and faced the screen again as if he'd lost interest in the topic.

 _He... did he just.._.

Pride hurt and face on fire, Jungwoo got up to leave his seat but was pulled down again by a laughing Lucas. "I was just kidding, don't go. It's just - You're so nervous, it's cute."

The older sneered in reply, "Why would I be nervous? Because of you?" He made a sarcastic  _pfff_  sound, completely disregarding his very sweaty palms and really dry mouth.

Lucas sighed quietly, low voice softly saying, "You look like you expect me to kiss you every second. How can I help getting those thoughts if you're acting like this."

Head slowly turning towards the other, confronting him with a shocked expression, Jungwoo opened his mouth, but not a single sound left his lips.  _What did he just say?_

Before Jungwoo could process what was happening, Lucas had caught his face in the palm of his hands. He leaned over, leaving almost no space between their lips, faces inches apart. If Jungwoo had wanted, he could've counted Lucas' eyelashes. 

Lucas had the familiar smugness in his eyes. His mouth was pulled into an amused smile which slowly vanished the longer they sat there exchanging hot air and expectant gazes in the dark.

Jungwoo waited for the kiss, terrified and body frozen.

Eyes wandering over the other boy's face, he found himself contemplating putting a hand around the back of Lucas' neck to pull him closer, anything to feel the plump lips on his. All of him was eager to taste Lucas. He wanted this, he realized.

"Just kidding," whispered Lucas, hands dropping, "Don't look at me with those eyes, I might end up really kissing you." He leaned back into his seat, leaving a hardly breathing Jungwoo wide-eyed.

The smaller cleared his throat, tried to regain his composure. He swallowed the humiliation and, much worse, the disappointment.

Despite everything he'd told himself throughout the whole week, he'd felt his heart racing again. He'd gotten weak and all too eager to lean into the kiss, which was nothing but a joke for the jerk sitting next to him. He felt disappointed and rejected and it was his own fault for getting his hopes up. 

_Shit._

Putting the popcorn on the floor, he too fell back into his seat, eyes falling on the blonde actress crying into a pillow.

 _This is a joke to him. Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Lucas is Lucas. He'd fuck me and later say it was a joke._ _He - He is just - 'just kidding'._

Still fighting the desire to choke Lucas to death, Jungwoo glared at him in the dark. The boy was focused on the crying woman on screen. His expression mirrored hers, eyes sad and mouth slightly open.

_Just kidding, huh._

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: there's a bit more.... uhhh action going on than usual so if ur not comfy with all that pls just skip through the parts?? ((nothing 18+ tho dont get ur hopes up my dear smut enthusiasts))

As soon as they arrived home, Jungwoo washed his face, brushed his teeth and went straight to bed. He didn't bother saying goodnight to his roommate. He silently crawled under his blanket and fell into the arms of self-pity. But self-pity quickly turned into anger and anger into revenge fantasies. Before Jungwoo could stop himself he was scheming a vendetta worthy of someone like Lucas Wong.

 

He could tell his friend was still awake by the pace of his breathing, despite him having turned off the lights 20 minutes ago. They hadn't said goodnight to each other, for once hadn't talked until one of them fell asleep.

They did this thing most nights where they'd sit on Jungwoo's bed, both busy on their phones, but every few minutes they'd show each other dumb memes or funny videos until Lucas eventually rolled down to sleep in his pile of blankets. Sometimes they'd keep showing each other weird things even when the lights were out, accidentally waking the other with a "You gotta see this!". Jungwoo never got mad when it happened, he would just giggle half-asleep, mumble a good night and fell asleep again happier. Sleep came easier with Lucas around, knowing he was just an armlength away every night.

Could Lucas tell that he was mad? Probably not. He'd hadn't noticed Jungwoo's angry glares when he'd walked into the bathroom earlier while the older was brushing his teeth. Or if he had, he'd ignored them, brushed them off by reenacting cringy scenes from the movie with burning passion for the cheesy dialogue. Jungwoo had kept his gaze away from his roommate's impromptu performance, ignoring him iron-willed.

Now, listening to Lucas' soothing breathing sounds, part of the boy wanted nothing more than to whisper a simple goodnight. He wanted to hear a sleepy voice say it back, but he couldn't speak. Jungwoo couldn't talk to him, not with the wounds still being so fresh and painful.

Hiding his phone's bright screen, he sent Doyoung a message under the blanket. 

@Doyoung 11:07pm: idk what to do

@Doyoung 11:07pm: L did this prank (??) thing during the movie where he almost kissed me and then he was like lol sorry bro just kidding and I was so mad but bunny I wasnt mad bc he did that I was mad bc he did not k*ss me. And now idk what to do. I ignored him after the movie and Im pretending to be asleep rn 

@Jungwoo 11:08pm: o m g what

@Jungwoo 11:09pm: he tried to kiss you????

@Doyoung 11:09pm: only as a joke.

@Doyoung 11:09pm: maybe in a dudebro kinda way

@Jungwoo 11:10pm: and u were sad bc he didn't?

@Jungwoo 11:11pm: wow when did u get over K

@Doyoung 11:12pm: Im not ""over"" K I just wouldn't have minded if he had...... done it....

@Jungwoo 11:12pm: having L as your roommate really changed you

@Doyoung 11:13pm: idk what to do bunny

@Jungwoo 11:13pm: what do you wanna do

@Doyoung 11:14pm: cry

@Jungwoo 11:14pm: no, don't cry he's not worth it ♡ go just kidding on him too... maybe kiss him fr

@Doyoung 11:15pm: I don't wanna kiss him... I just... I don't wanna feel like I wasn't worth kissing. But I also wanna make him understand why what he did was so humiliating

@Jungwoo 11:15pm: be honest, what do you have in mind?

@Doyoung 11:16pm: I think I know what I'll do

He sent his friend a detailed explanation. Once Doyoung looked over it - and told Jungwoo that walking into the shower while Lucas was in there definitely shouldn't be part of the plan - Jungwoo felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. If he did this without messing up he might stop feeling like he'd just been dumped.

He fell asleep strangling his pillow, thinking of Lucas. 

 

* * *

 

Jungwoo woke up earlier than usual, his alarm hadn't even gone off yet. With a groan he rose, body stiff and eyes dry. He'd dreamed of Lucas. He couldn't tell what exactly his mind had fabricated in his slumber, but it hadn't been nice judging from the blurry images he could remember. And there was this strange desire to kick the boy on the floor that contributed to the assumptions that it must have been a nightmare. 

Before starting his morning routine Jungwoo opened their closet and quietly took out something he'd definitely need later. He tried not to overthink it, distracted himself with thoughts about the week ahead, but he was already getting nervous.

He noticed clothes he hadn't seen before thrown into Lucas' messy corner.  _He must have gone home again last week. Probably while I was gone._ Wondering why Lucas hadn't mentioned it, Jungwoo slid into the bathroom. 

After taking a shower, during which he obsessively imagined every worst-case scenario that might occur if he actually had the courage to realize his plans, he stood in front of the mirror, mumbling positive affirmations to himself. 

That wasn't helpful at all.

So, he proceeded to _step one_ and changed into his cutest baby blue shorts and Lucas' huge football shirt, which he had borrowed - without permission - for this occasion only. The shirt was almost as long as the shorts, reaching the middle of his thighs.

Part of him screamed "Abort! Abort mission! Abort right now!", yet the other part thought he actually looked cute for once. He took a mirror selfie and sent it to Doyoung with a message saying 'cute enough......?'. After that, he attempted to dry his wet hair with a towel but gave up quickly. He didn't have the patience for that. Not right now. 

In the bathroom mirror, he pulled a grimace, his flushed face distorted as he gathered courage. _Payback. I'm gonna get payback._

 

Jungwoo walked out of the bathroom and straight to his sleeping friend. He sat down on the floor, his hand placed on Lucas' arm, not yet shaking him awake. Instead, he studied the boy's face as if he'd just seen him for the very first time. Then pretty collarbones attracted his gaze, the soft looking skin of the sleeping one's shoulders glowing invitingly.

Lucas had gone to bed shirtless again - they'd made a deal: if he put on a shirt immediately after waking up, Jungwoo could live with his nudist behavior - and his chocolate-colored hair was covering his forehead.

_I'm either really desperate or you're really getting prettier every day._

The hazelnut-haired one let his fingertips run over the caramel skin, swallowing hard.

He whispered, "Lucas."

Nothing.

"Lucas," he repeated once again, voice a little louder.

Jungwoo squatted down awkwardly, leaned forward, almost losing balance. With his face right above Lucas', he looked down and let out a tiny sigh of frustration.  _You're gorgeous. Of course, you're 'Just kidding'._

In his thoughts he went back to last night: sitting in the huge seat, his lips almost touching his roommate's. The first part of the memory made his head spin, leaving him yearning for more. But then he remembered the humiliation he'd drowned in, the feeling of rejection that had built a nest in his ribs ever since. He wasn't going to let himself get hurt again.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," said Jungwoo softly, fingertips tapping on Lucas' arm with more pressure now.

Lucas opened his eyes, blinking away sleep. Curiosity filled his gaze as stared at Jungwoo. Then the hint of a smile appeared in the corners of his lips, "Morning, Snoopy." His voice was deeper, kind of husky. 

His hands found their way around Jungwoo's waist, pulling him into a hug that ended in Jungwoo losing balance and crashing face first into Lucas' upper body. 

"Geez, that hurt." The smaller looked up shyly, knowing all too well his ears were ruby by now. With his chin forced to rest on a naked chest, he felt embarrassment running through his body.

His friend, having just woken up, wasn't yet ready for any other emotion than happiness. "I'm hugging two Snoopys at once," giggled Lucas, arms embracing the plushie and Jungwoo simultaneously.

The older couldn't help but smile, although feeling Lucas' abs pressed against his body wasn't something contributing to his peace of mind. Voice shaky, he mumbled, "I'm suffocating. Can you maybe-"

"Wait," Lucas' hands moved from Jungwoo's waist to his shoulders, tugging on the fabric of the shirt. "That's - that's my name. You're wearing my shirt _again_?"

Lucas tossed away the blanket, leaving Jungwoo exposed to his wandering eyes.

The smaller had practiced whispering a bunch of different words in a (not really convincing) seductive way in the shower, but now, trapped between huge arms and a nude chest, all Jungwoo could do was bite his lips and talk in his high-pitched, nervous voice. "I'm just... It's just... It's big and," all attempts at sounding seductive failed. He was vulnerable again, letting his guard down. _It smells like you and that's weirdly calming._  "It's comfy. Mind if I borrow it for a while?"

The question was supposed to be a joke, so when Lucas replied, "Keep it, it looks better on you anyway," Jungwoo looked at him with surprise. "Really?"

The boy shrugged and Jungwoo's head moved along with the movement of Lucas' shoulders. Cheeks scarlet, he muttered, "Can you let go of me now?"

Lucas shook his head, tightening his hold. "I give you my shirt and you become my new pillow. I thought that was clear."

"Shut up," mumbled the older, eyes glued to the skin of Lucas' collarbones only, "Is this how easily you dump Snoopy? After all he's done for you? Letting your ugly head sleep on him every night for weeks, just so you can replace him without any second thoughts?"

Another soft laugh left Lucas' lips, "Don't tell him I said that, but you're the cuter Snoopy. And softer."

All the oaths of vengeance he'd sworn to himself, all the promises of revenge, everything drowned in those words.

"Am I?"

Whatever Lucas had expected him to reply, probably another 'Shut up' judging from his expression, this response had caught him off guard. He nodded, eyes fixed on Jungwoo's lips. "You are."

The sweet words caused Jungwoo to bury his face somewhere between a honey-colored arm and the white fabric of the plushie. He was well aware that he was breathing against hot skin that wasn't his.

"Don't cover your face," begged the boy under Jungwoo, "Just once, please, let me see you."

Suddenly, Jungwoo felt like someone had set his body on fire. Lucas' limbs around him, Lucas' body under him, Lucas' sleepy voice around him, Lucas was everything surrounding him, infiltrating his thoughts and occupying all his senses.

Excruciatingly slow, the smaller looked up. The pressure in his chest grew, his breathing was unnatural. Lucas' reaction was indescribable.

Jungwoo observed the hardly breathing boy's eyes wandering over his face, then to the ceiling, and then down again to the eyes that were staring back at him. All that while plump lips were slightly apart as if he was whispering a prayer and dark eyebrows were narrowed in frustration.

"Fuck. I - I take it back. Don't look at me looking like _that_."

Maybe those exact words and the boy's almost obscene expression were what pushed Jungwoo over the edge. Whatever it was, it poured gasoline into the fire.

Completely aware of Lucas' fast breathing and his rapidly rising and falling chest, Jungwoo mustered up all the courage in his body and sat up, putting Lucas' hips between his thighs.

The reaction was predictable: round eyes grew wide, pretty lips moved apart and large hands instinctively found their way around Jungwoo's thighs. The shorts slid up further, leaving very little to the imagination, a thumb drew circles on exposed skin.

"You always make me blush so bad," whispered Jungwoo. He leaned forward until his lips reached Lucas' ears, agonizingly slowly blowing cold air into the curve. "I really hate how you can make me blush so easy. It's not fair."

His lips wandered from Lucas' ears to just inches over his cheeks, but they didn't halt there. Instead, they reached the plump, bitten mouth.

Making eye contact with the other had never been more difficult. He'd never seen Lucas look at him - or anyone else - like that: his eyebrows slightly raised, as if inquiring when Jungwoo would finally get rid of the distance between them, his eyes hungry and the soft mouth opened a tiny bit, just enough to let out a tiny whimper everytime Jungwoo dared to move.

Jungwoo cupped the handsome face in both hands, forced fake smile growing wide. 

"Just kidding," breathed he, letting go of Lucas' cheeks. He rolled over, leaving the shirtless body to the cold morning air.

The world was spinning around Jungwoo.

The boy on the floor wasn't moving. 

"Sucks, right?" Jungwoo's face was burning, his hands shaking, yet his voice was surprisingly stable. "But at least you're not in public. Was worse for me." He washed his hands to have something to do.

Still no reaction.

"I didn't mean to traumatize you. Payback was more-"

Then, finally, Lucas jumped up, still shirtless and now, unexpectedly, furious. He looked at his friend with anger, hands formed into fists. "Payback?"

Jungwoo nodded, leaning against the wall. He wasn't half as confident as he pretended to be.

"What the fuck? You did all that - You sat on my fucking dick only to say 'Just kidding'?" He mimicked Jungwoo's soft voice. "What's wrong with you? That was... That wasn't funny."

With his mind clouded and his brain on standby, Jungwoo could mumble nothing but, "Put on a shirt".

Lucas scoffed but did as told. "That wasn't funny at all. I'm serious."

Trying to sound cold, the hazelnut-haired one responded, "Neither was your attack last night." He pulled the fabric of the shirt to his nose, took in the faint smell of Lucas which it was still carrying. 

"You're telling me right now that you did all that because I made a fucking joke last night? I meant no harm. I seriously didn't want you to get angry. But this right now, this was just cruel."

It was difficult arguing with Lucas when all Jungwoo wanted to do was to turn back time and not go see that movie with him, to not pull whatever revenge act this was and to not feel so horrible about himself.

"You started this! You with your weird comments and ugly smirks and your stupid lips! You almost kissed me last night even though you're in love with Kun! Don't act like I'm evil when you've been-" He couldn't remember the last time he'd screamed like that, yet Lucas cut him off, roaring back. "I'm not in love with Kun. I. Am. Not. In. Love. With. Kun. I lied. Okay?" To Jungwoo's surprise, Lucas' face was absolutely sincere. "I don't love Kun, I never have, I never will. Not romantically."

The world stopped moving. 

"What?"

"I lied. Kun is like a brother to me, nothing else. I've never liked him in any other way than as a brother." The honesty in the deep voice made everything worse.

The smaller blinked rapidly. "You've been lying to me the whole time?"

"I didn't mean to, but it happened."

The smaller looked at the pretty face which had gotten so familiar. Maybe too familiar. "You let me feel guilty and disgusting for nothing?"

"I never meant to make you feel bad." Lucas expression was a chaos of countless emotions crashing into each other.

Jungwoo tried to put together the pieces, but nothing made sense. "Why? Why would you-"

"Things are complicated. I know it sounds like a lie or a dumb excuse but... but I can't explain it right now."

The smaller exhaled, hands shaking. "Get out."

Lucas' jaw dropped. "What?"

"Leave. I want you to leave."

"Snoopy," began his roommate, taking a step back as if he was the one hurt.

Jungwoo only shook his head. "Get out before I-"  _Cry_ , he thought.

Lucas tried again, voice much lower now. "Jungwoo-"

"Out."

He needed him to leave, needed to be alone.

Giving up, Lucas nodded defeated. He put on his shoes while Jungwoo brought him his phone and his half-empty backpack.

Both knew the content was spread in every corner of the room, hiding there, even if Lucas' wasn't around anymore to use them. Just like the absence of his laugh always haunted Jungwoo when he was home alone, the presence of the items that weren't his would now be a new form of torture. 

Jungwoo spat the following words out like rotten fruit. "I knew you'd hurt me sooner or later."

The door closed noiselessly. Jungwoo turned around. Lucas was gone.

He stared at the door.

Nothing.

He counted until 30. 

Still nothing.

He felt tears forming in his eyes.

Nothing.

_Just kidding?_


	20. Chapter 20

"No, what I'm saying is that you should've known he likes you and not Kun."

Jungwoo let out a frustrated groan and threw Doyoung a vexed glare. He was sick of hearing that again and again. Leaning against the wall, he looked around his messy room. He hadn't cleaned after Lucas' left. He hadn't really done anything besides calling Doyoung and staring at the ceiling. As expected his friend had appeared in front of the door ten minutes later, ready to talk about what had happened. 

Retelling the entire thing was difficult.  _Hey, so I ended up kinda doing exactly what Lucas did to me only like ten times worse and then out of the blue he confessed his heartfelt speech on him having feelings for his best friend Kun was completely fake and my very first reaction was to kick him out, so that's that._

_Fuck_. Why was that happening to him? How did he get himself into that mess in the first place? Jungwoo stared at the ceiling as if the solution to all his problems might magically appear next to the lamp.

Doyoung was sitting cross-legged on Jungwoo's bed, still wearing sweatpants and a festival shirt he'd stolen from Taeyong years ago. "You're starting to get on my nerves. How can you be so oblivious? He's been looking at you like you're the sun, the moon and this entire damn earth for a while now and I've told you that about a million times."

"You said he's not interested like... a week ago?" Jungwoo raised his eyebrows, a scoff ready to part with him.

"Because apparently, you need to think he doesn't care about you for you to like him."

_Ouch_. The words slapped Jungwoo across the face, leaving him almost gasping. With a humorless laugh, he asked, "Where's that coming from now?" 

Impatience and worry were drawn on Doyoung's face in equal parts. "We both know it's true. You only fall for boys who seem to be unreachable and the second someone does like you back you run."

"That's not-"

"Would you have given Lucas a chance?"

Jungwoo got up and started walking around. He was still wearing that cursed shirt. "No, because I don't like him."

He felt Doyoung's gaze following him, burning into his flesh. "Is that so? You've never had any thoughts about him? Never thought about anything that's not strictly platonic while you were sleeping almost next to each other? Or while taking a shower knowing he's right here? You've lived together and you've never seen him as more than _your roommate_?" Doyoung's words were suggestive on purpose, implying much that Jungwoo wanted to deny.

He'd not thought about Lucas _that way_. He was thinking about him in a way that was much, much worse, at least in Jungwoo's opinion. Truth was, he craved Lucas' presence. He already missed his wide smile, his loud laugh, the way he held his hand in front of his mouth when he got shy and how he sometimes did the nose crunch when he felt embarrassed. The days that didn't begin with seeing the boy's sleepy face and those that didn't end with his tired voice whispering 'goodnight' felt wrong. Jungwoo had gotten used to the long limbs nestling next to his during late night Netflix sessions and to huge hands offering him hot cups of tea on chilly mornings. Going grocery shopping together and fighting over nothing on the way home or touching shoulders and knocking elbows while getting ready next to each other in the morning, brushing their teeth in silence and listening to their shared playlist were things the boy didn't want to miss. 

Still, he had said 'leave', had even handed him his bag. He'd kicked Lucas out.

But then again, Lucas had lied to him, well aware of Jungwoo's feelings for Kun. Jungwoo had worried about him, had felt guilty for bringing up Kun while his roommate was faking it the whole time. There was no logical reason for what he had done. _It's complicated, my ass_. 

That he'd obviously developed a soft spot for the tall boy didn't change the fact that he'd deceived Jungwoo.

"Bunny," Jungwoo started softly, stepping on Lucas' blanket, "He lied to me. Lucas misled me on purpose. Remember when he showed up when I was supposed to meet Kun alone? What even was that? Think about all the messed up things he's done. I'm a fool, I should've seen-"

"You're a fool for not listening to me. Stop acting as if you've never considered liking him or him liking you," the black-haired boy was annoyed, his voice grew louder with every word.

"I've never considered him liking me."

Doyoung stood up, arms crossed. "Okay, let's pretend I believe that. How come?"

"Boys like Lucas don't like boys like me," said Jungwoo matter-of-factly.

"That's the stupidest thing you've said so far this year. Congrats."

A scoff from the one standing helplessly in the middle of the room, "What's wrong with you?"

Doyoung stared back, "What do you want me to say? I told you all along he wasn't into Kun, but no, Jungwoo is _too smart_ to believe me. And now that you got it confirmed, what am I supposed to do?"

Eyebrows furrowed, Jungwoo muttered, "Did you just- Did you just call me _dumb_?"

His friend put on that too familiar face that Jungwoo detested with his whole heart. It was his 'fuck-you' expression: icy and as if he couldn't wait for the conversation to be over. He'd never used it for Jungwoo. _Guess, this is a first._

"No, my dear. I just called you _too smart,_ you should listen more carefully."

The conversation slowly shifted into a full-blown fight and Jungwoo couldn't stop it anymore. He and Doyoung barely fought. The last time had been a year ago - a stupid fight over Doyoung saying something too bitchy when he'd been in a bad mood- and now this.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told you about this in the first place. Maybe your _overly friendly attitude_ isn't really needed right now," Jungwoo spoke slowly, calmly, making his words cut through the air. 

His friend's lips were formed into a thin line. "Maybe you should realize how frustrating this whole thing has been. It's like I've been talking to a wall the past weeks. Why are you acting so dense?"

Jungwoo mimicked the icy voice his friend was using, "Maybe it's time for you to realize that Taeyong isn't the only one with attitude issues."

Doyoung's arms dropped along with his jaw. However, it took him only moments to regain his composure.

"Bye," he spat with a lethal smile, making to leave.

"Bye," replied Jungwoo, looking out the window.

The door was slammed shut. For the second time that morning Jungwoo was left alone. This time he started crying before he could throw himself on his bed.

 

* * *

 

"Mark, that's cheating," shouted Donghyuck, controller in one hand, the other attempting to stop his friend from tickling him.

"It's not cheating if it's my jacket you're wearing," replied Mark laughing, dropping his own controller as he put both arms around the boy next to him on the couch, continuing tickling him. Donghyuck gasped for air, shrieking, but was grinning the entire time.

Jungwoo lowered his phone, face turning in the younger boys' direction. _These two... are so... wow? It's almost gross?_

"Are you guys... okay?" he asked hesitatingly.

The oldest of the three was laying in Mark's bed, head leaning against the wall and fingers typing in the 14th message to Lucas he'd written since he'd arrived in Mark and Donghyuck's flat an hour ago. The 14th message also, just like all the ones before, got deleted before he hit the send button. Automatically, he opened the chat with Doyoung again. He typed a few words, deleted them again.  _20th time trying to find the right thing to say and counting._

"I'd be okay if Mark stopped being a pathetic cheater just because he's losing." Donghyuck was giggling, kicking Mark violently off the couch. With a loud noise the boy fell, made a hurt, whining sound, before pulling Donghyuck down with both hands, making him fall into his arms. Both continued shoving and pushing each other, all while giggling cutely.

"Admit it, you just wanted to do this," said Donghyuck, gesturing at Mark's arm around him.

Unimpressed, his friend complained, "Get off me, Hyuck. You're heavy."

"Say you lost first," sang a soft voice.

"I didn't."

"I'm not gonna move until you admit it."

Jungwoo blinked confused, almost shivered, then decided to mind his own business and continued writing. How was he supposed to apologize? What was he supposed to say? He'd never really apologized to Doyoung for anything because there has simply never been a reason to. They didn't fight. This was unexplored territory. 

@Doyoung 11:07 pm: you know I love you

He deleted this one too.

@Doyoung 11:07 pm: I love you and your attitude

Another message to be erased. He had no idea how to start.

"Jungwoo, do you wanna play?" asked Mark, holding up the controller. The older shook his head in reply, mumbled, "Later."

When Mark had called him two hours ago he'd been busy throwing all of Lucas' belongings on his bed, mentally preparing to put all of it into a plastic bag and placing it in front of the door.

Apparently, he'd sounded bad. Bad enough for Mark to offer to come by immediately. Even after Jungwoo had refused and denied that something was wrong, his younger friend had insisted on Jungwoo at least saying 'Hi' later. That was Mark language for 'I wanna make sure you're okay because you sound like you've been crying.' Thus, here he was, hiding from probably the shittiest day he's ever had in the messiness of Mark and Donghyuck's room, typing and deleting words nonstop and listening to the two boys being creepily cheesy.

Donghyuck looked at him for a moment too long, then added, "If you want something to eat or to drink, you know where the fridge is. Or I can make you something. Just... you know say something."

Again, Jungwoo nodded, forcing himself to smile at the one looking at him with so much concern.

Mark tried to roll away from his small friend, but their physical contact wasn't interrupted. "'Hyuck. Stop touching me."

"I'm not touching you, Mark."

"How many times have I told you it's still touching even if you do it through sweater paws."

Jungwoo contemplated knocking himself out with the help of the miniature version of Thor's hammer, which was just a few steps away, displayed on an unorganized desk. The tempting thought was dismissed when his phone started buzzing.

He answered immediately, anxiety through the roof. "Kun?" 

"Hey, Jungwoo. I'm sorry I'm calling you out of nowhere, but I was wondering if you've seen Lucas today?"

Jungwoo whispered, "What?" His hand pressed against his chest as if to check his heartbeat.

"Well, we were supposed to meet two hours ago, but he didn't show up. And he's not answering his phone, which is kinda weird. I thought maybe you know something. I called Sicheng too, but he said he hadn't seen him much the past days, so-"

He inhaled, exhaled, swallowed. "Sorry, I don't- I don't know where he is."

"Thanks, anyway," said Kun in his clear voice.

"If he- If you- Can you tell me? If you know what's wrong?" His tongue felt too heavy, too big for his mouth. 

_Where is he?_

"Sure. He's probably home and asleep though." A tiny laugh, one that would've made Jungwoo melt in every other situation, wandered through the phone. Right now, all he wanted to say was, "He's not home." He didn't say it. They said goodbye and Jungwoo dropped his phone on Mark's blue bed sheets. 

"What's wrong?" asked Mark quietly. They'd stopped playing, both were watching Jungwoo carefully.

"Lucas- I don't know- He-" he stopped. He jumped up. "I'll have to go look for him. Everything is fine. I'll call you later." 

Nothing was fine, but there was no use in worrying Mark and Donghyuck. So, he said goodbye quickly and left the two perplexed looking boys entangled on the couch.

 

* * *

 

Where do you start searching for someone who's been kicked out twice already?

Jungwoo looked for Lucas in the library, took the bus across town to peek into the windows of the gym Lucas always went to and searched all across campus for a handsome boy in sweatpants. He couldn't find him. His anxiety levels rose with every minute, nausea spread in his body. 

_What if he had nowhere to go? What if he had just left forever?_

Of course, - because when one thing goes wrong it seems like it just magnetically attracts every other shitty thing in the universe - it started raining. Barely noticeable at first, before it began pouring like someone was emptying buckets full of water from the sky.

Through the rain, Jungwoo continued searching for Lucas, running from bus stop to bus stop with high hopes, eyes scanning the streets. An hour passed and his roommate was still nowhere to be found.

_What if he'd gone back to the dorms?_

In his despair, Jungwoo ran back home. He unlocked the door, secretly expecting a warm "Snoopy!" to greet him, but his hopes were crushed immediately. Everything was exactly as he had left it hours ago. Lucas' stuff was still spread on his bed, the window opened, the blankets were in piles on the floor and Cas was still wordlessly accusing Jungwoo of having kicked out his dad with his wrathful green leaves moving in the wind.

Nothing.

He left again, locked the door and mumbled with his hand still on the doorknob, "Please, please, let him walk through this door again. I swear I won't be mad at him, just don't let him disappear."

People were good at vanishing once Jungwoo began trusting them. He'd seen it before. _Don't let Lucas be one of them._

Running aimlessly through the streets - earning many disapproving looks from passengers hiding from the storm under sheltered spots - the boy began losing hope.

Jungwoo sat down on a wet bench in front of the dorms, thinking that if -and only if- Lucas decided to come back, he'd meet him sooner if he was sitting outside. In his mind he went through all the places he yet had to search. _Public library, Tai's, maybe the grocery store?_

Soaked in rain from head to toe, his body numb from the cold, he thought about everything that had happened. He had been too overwhelmed to process anything, let alone think clearly.

Yes, he'd fucked up with Doyoung. But, as always, they'd eventually make up again, he didn't doubt that one second. It was knowing that he'd hurt his friend with his words on purpose that made Jungwoo want to kick his own ass. Doyoung wasn't like other people. Doyoung was _his_ person. What was he thinking? He'd have to make it right again as soon as possible.

He'd kicked Lucas out. Yes, he was mad at him. Yes, he had every right to be angry, after all, Lucas lied to him. But no, he didn't want Lucas to actually leave. Jungwoo couldn't explain why he liked the boy so much and he didn't particularly like the feeling brewing in his chest. Nonetheless, it was there and it'd get much worse if he didn't manage to get him home. _What if it was too late?_

The boy couldn't tell how long he sat there, contemplating his next steps. So, when he heard a familiar deep voice calling his name, he at first considered it a fabrication of his mind. Only when the person was standing almost in front of him he believed his eyes.

"What are you doing?" Lucas was running towards him, holding a black umbrella. Once he was close enough, he held the umbrella over both their heads, protecting Jungwoo from the rain. "Why are you sitting outside in the rain? You're gonna get sick!"

The smaller looked up at him, face not exposing the chaos in his mind. _He's back, he's back, he's back._

"Are you okay, Snoopy?" Lucas laid a hand on Jungwoo's head, looked down with concern in his eyes. The smaller was glad Lucas couldn't tell whether the drops running down his cheeks consisted of rain or tears.

He nodded, still too afraid to speak, to fuck up, to see him go again.

His friend took his hand gently as if he was touching something fragile and delicate. "Let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, thank you for still reading Supernova and showing me so much love ❤️


	21. Chapter 21

Lucas took Jungwoo's hands in his, helped him up and pulled him as close as possible to shield him from the heavy rain.

They walked upstairs hand in hand, the smaller's eyes glued to their intertwined fingers the whole time. His roommate unlocked the door with his own keys -for a moment Jungwoo had forgotten that the other had keys too and could enter whenever he wanted- and opened the door, waited for him to enter first. 

Something was different about the way Lucas treated him. It was like he was scared of hurting him, terrified of shattering something made from the most precious porcelain. 

Jungwoo halted in the middle of the room, unsure what to do next. He watched Lucas drop the umbrella next to the door, a tiny puddle of water appeared. He could feel his hands shaking, realized that his lips were trembling. The cold hadn't left his body, his toes were little ice cubes, even his socks were drenched.

"Why did you come back," he asked quietly.

At first, he thought Lucas hadn't heard him, but when he came out the bathroom with a fluffy towel in his hands he replied, "You're not getting rid of me that easily." He was smiling, obviously trying to lighten the mood. "No, but seriously, I don't know- I mean- do you want me to leave?" He put the towel around Jungwoo's head with both hands, (miserably) attempting to dry his hair.

Jungwoo shook his head quickly.

"Wait, is this a ' _no, don't leave_ ' or a ' _no, stop ripping out my hair_ '?" 

Even though he didn't really feel like laughing a small laugh escaped the older. "A ' _no, I don't want you to leave_ '".

Cheekily, Lucas grinned, "I know I just wanted to hear you say it." 

That was the thing with Lucas, he knew exactly how to make the awkwardness disappear and things brighter. Maybe that's why there was no dark around Jungwoo when he was with him.

"You should take a shower, you're still shaking." Lucas let the towel fall on the smaller one's shoulders. His long fingers found their way into tousled wet hair, kept it out of Jungwoo's eyes by holding his bangs up. "Why were you sitting in the rain? I know you can be very weird, but that was... Well." 

It took him a moment to understand why Lucas was standing in front of him with his fingers in his hair. He was cleverly taking away Jungwoo's escape exits: He couldn't look away, couldn't move his head, couldn't hide. Their gazes locked and he was vulnerable again.

"I was waiting for you. I thought... you might have left for good." 

The tall boy tilted his head to the side. "Why outside, though?"

"I wanted to see you the moment you'd come back. I mean...  _if_ -" The honesty in his voice was overwhelming, even for himself. 

"You're killing me," sighed the taller, hand falling. "Please, go shower. I'll get you clothes." 

With a nod, Jungwoo disappeared into the bathroom.

Although he'd promised himself to never let his guard down again, he was walking straight into the trap that was Lucas. With ease, he lured him in, made him feel secure. It took everything in Jungwoo to not let himself fall. He knew there was no feathery mattress waiting for him down there, only rocks and stones.

That evening though he experienced life through lenses that made everything but the joy of Lucas return invisible. He was humming to himself in the shower when he heard a husky voice state, "I'll put your clothes here." Jungwoo peaked out from behind the shower curtain, watched his friend leave and close the door again.  _You could've at least brought me one of your shirts._ Immediately, he scolded himself for thinking that. More and more, he realized how his resolutions and his desires weren't on the same page anymore.

When he got out of the bathroom his roommate was already waiting for him, handing him tea and a plate filled with cookies. "I bought them on my way back," he mumbled, "They're the chocolate chip ones with a caramel core." 

Jungwoo had searched for them in the grocery store but they'd been sold out that day.  _He really remembers every stupid thing._

"Thank you."

Lucas had cleaned the whole room while he had taken a shower: the makeshift bed on the floor, the chaos on the blanket, even the dishes were washed. On a pillow at the end of the bed was his laptop invitingly placed, the familiar seven red letters shining brightly on the screen.

Only when Jungwoo sat down, Lucas came closer, hesitating, almost as if he was waiting for permission.

"We're not gonna pretend nothing happened," said Jungwoo quietly, pulling his knees up to his chest. He knew that if they just continued following established patterns (as was apparently Lucas' intention), they'd end up not talking about it (which, again, probably was Lucas' goal).

Caught, the tall boy smiled, "Damn, I thought it might work."

Staring at the blue fabric of the sweatpants he was wearing, Jungwoo pondered over his next words. "I need you to be honest with me. Why would you say you like him if you don't? I don't get it. Did you wake up one morning thinking it's a really lovely day to lie to me? About the guy I had just told you I like?" His weak voice was failing him, yet he kept his face straight.

The other looked back at him as if he was in pain. He blinked too often, took his time to reply. "I can't answer that without lying again."

Jungwoo groaned and let his head fall against the wall. Pain spread through his skull. "And I'm supposed to say 'Oh, that's fine!' and just let it go?"

"No, I'm asking you to postpone this. I'll explain as soon as I can, but right now it's not possible to answer you without lying. I promise I'll explain."

Truth to be told, Jungwoo appreciated the honesty, appreciated that Lucas didn't just make up another story to fit this one. And because of that Jungwoo mumbled, "Fine, but don't think I'll just forget. We'll get back to this and when we do you better give me a really good explanation. No more lies."

"No more lies," repeated his friend quietly. 

"Wait," Jungwoo remembered the question he'd asked himself in the shower. "Where have you been all day? Your phone was off, no one could reach you and Kun was looking for you." 

"Home," Lucas stopped, then added, "my other - my parent's house. My mom called, told me my dad wasn't home, so I went to get some of my stuff."

Jungwoo didn't ask any other question. He knew that wasn't something Lucas wanted to talk about. He nodded, pressed play and ate a cookie.

Although the awkward air didn't disappear immediately, with every word, every smile and every bad joke the tension ceased until they were back to being themselves.

Why was being with Lucas so easy? Was it their time spent together; did they get used to each other so easily? What if Lucas never had fought with his parents, would Jungwoo still avoid him in class and talk shit about him when he was with Doyoung? In comparison, now Jungwoo was repeatedly throwing side glances at his roommate as if to confirm that he really was still there and not a product of his imagination.  _What if he had never walked through that door? What if one day he wouldn't walk through that door again?_

The fear of Lucas vanishing popped into his head and filled him with uneasiness, making him inch closer to the boy until he could rest his head on his shoulder. 

It didn't matter what had happened a month ago or what would happen in a year. All that mattered to Jungwoo was that his friend was sitting next to him with a smile hiding in the corners of his lips while eating an unjustifiable amount of the cookies he'd supposedly bought for him.

 

It didn't take long for Jungwoo to realize something was off. It started with a light headache which turned into the sensation of someone smashing a hammer against his head and ended in him having to crawl into bed early. 

"Are you sure you're okay? Are you getting sick?" asked Lucas' worriedly.

Fingers pressed against his temples, Jungwoo replied, "I'm not sick, just a bit lightheaded."

He was, indeed, very sick. When he woke up the following morning his head was spinning and his face on fire. He felt like someone had sucked all energy out of his body overnight, even the thought of getting out of bed was a frightening one.

"Let's go to the hospital," urged his worried friend as soon as he woke up and saw Jungwoo's scarlet face. "You need a doctor."

"No," the one in bed shook his head, his voice hoarse, "I just need to sleep a little longer."

"You're so pale." Lucas looked at him with guilt all over his face. "This is all my fault. You were waiting for-"

Jungwoo interrupted him, "Don't do this. It's not your fault. Please, I don't have the energy to argue right now."

Lucas pouted, seemed unhappy. "Can I?" He reached out to touch Jungwoo's forehead, gently pushed his hair up. "Snoopy, you're really warm."

"I'm not. Just... get me some paracetamol from the drawer please and I'll feel better in half an hour."

Although he did get the paracetamol - and breakfast in bed-, he still felt ill.

Lucas, who'd been eying the one under the blanket with a guilty expression all morning, decided - despite Jungwoo saying he was okay- to run to the pharmacy to get him herbal tea and "anything else he could find for fever".

Thus, the older boy was home alone. He spent the time in the bathroom brushing his teeth and washing his face with ice-cold water multiple times. It made him feel a little bit better, a little more awake.

He hated being sick. Of course, everyone hated being sick, but he was sure his hatred was more intense. He hated feeling stuffy, easily out of breath and overall sluggish. Yet, if he was honest to himself, this time it didn't feel as unpleasant as usual. Not with Lucas being so worried and so -  _cute_.

He opened the window and crawled back into bed, waiting for his roommate to come back. By the time he heard the keys turn in the lock he had almost fallen asleep again.

"Hey, there. Did I wake you up?" Lucas was carrying two huge plastic bags, both filled with numerous boxes and little glass bottles. 

Surprised, Jungwoo asked, "Did you go to the pharmacy or did you go grocery shopping?"

His friend took off his shoes and threw his jacket on the chair, then sat down on the edge of the bed, still carrying both bags. "I got you some stuff that should help." He placed the plastic bags on his lap and rolled up the sleeves of his black shirt. He took out a glass bottle, read the tiny writing.

"I... can tell. That's a lot. Like probably too much-"

"Open your mouth," ordered Lucas. 

"No," responded Jungwoo instantly. "Give me the spoon, you're not gonna feed me with-" he stopped, furrowing his eyebrows. "What even is that?"

Lucas pulled out a bunch of boxes. Pointing to different ones he explained, "So, these are cough drops, these you're supposed to drink before bed, this is- wait is that for fever? Oh yeah, it is. This one, - uh, only 3 spoonfuls it says, remind me later- it helps against cold symptoms in general. This one you're supposed to rub on your chest. Wait, do these gels even work. Anyway-" Lucas proceeded to explain the use of 6 other boxes, before Jungwoo held up a hand, stopping him.

"How about I take this," he took the cold relief meds, "and we keep everything else for when I'm seriously about to die. 'Cause if I take all this stuff at once we'll for sure have a reason to take me to the hospital."

Agreeing, Lucas put everything back into the bags and got up.

Jungwoo watched him fold the blankets his makeshift bed were created with, watched him put everything into the closet.  _Black really suits him. Well, what color doesn't suit him?_

Before plopping down next to Jungwoo again, Lucas handed him another bottle of water - the third one - and offered him another pillow to lay on.

"I'm feeling much better already," said Jungwoo, "The meds you got me must've done it."

Not even five minutes had passed since he'd taken the meds Lucas had bought him. Truthfully, they'd need at least another 20 minutes to work, but seeing Lucas face light up happily, his lips forming that proud smile was worth the little lie. After all, he  _did_  feel better, but most likely because of the ice cold water and the fresh air.

Lucas leaned forward, looked at him worriedly. First, his hands ran through Jungwoo's messy hair, then he pressed his palm against his forehead. He bit his full lower lip in thought and pushed the smaller's bangs up with his hand. Concern was drawn on his face as his eyes wandered over Jungwoo.

"Do I look _that_ pitiful?" asked the ill one laughing. It was adorable how much care his roommate was showing.

"No, you look cute. You always do." Lucas took a strand of Jungwoo's hair and twirled it around his finger. "You're the only person on this planet who looks cute having a cold." 

Fortunately, one couldn't see scarlet tinted cheeks on an already ruby face.

"Shut up," mumbled Jungwoo.  _Don't make fun of me_ , he wanted to add, but didn't.

There is something almost addictive about having someone play with your hair. Maybe it's the feeling of having someone close to you, maybe it's how easily it induces sleep. Anyhow, Jungwoo wasn't happy when Lucas pulled his hand away and took out his phone to check his notifications. 

Without letting himself overthink it, Jungwoo tossed the blanket aside, earning a confused look from the one sitting next to him. He laid down again, this time with his head resting on Lucas' thighs. "Don't- Don't stop. I like it." 

His words were met with wide eyes and hands instantly dropping the phone to instead find their way into the hazelnut colored hair.

"It feels really nice," whispered Jungwoo, facing away.

Lucas let his fingers run through the soft strands, but first, he turned Jungwoo's face towards himself. "Stop hiding," he smiled down warmly.

Jungwoo didn't turn away but instead closed his eyes. Was he feeling better because Lucas was playing with his hair or because of the meds? He couldn't tell.

After a while the other boy's fingers wandered from Jungwoo's hair to his face, fingertips softly running over the warm skin. They ran over his temples, his cheeks and stopped at his lips.

When he felt two fingers on his lips Jungwoo opened his eyes. The fingers took his lower lip between them, tugging gently. He looked up with surprise. Lucas didn't stop. Instead, large hands cupped Jungwoo's face in a way that'd gotten too familiar.

Jungwoo sat up straight, swallowing. Lucas, with his bed-hair and plump lips, was looking at him with curious eyes. Forever passed in mere seconds as they stared at each other, both waiting for the other to make a move. 

It was Lucas who moved first, whose lips found Jungwoo's. It was a sweet kiss, a hesitant one. Both were careful and agonizingly slow in their movements, mouths barely opening. When they opened their eyes again, both looked at each other timidly, smiled, noses still touching.

Then, realizing what exactly they were doing, Jungwoo pulled back quickly.  _Fuck. We just... kissed._

Lucas' eyes became glassy, his mouth opened as if to protest, but he didn't say a word. Disappointment spread on his face. 

Realizing what was going through his friend's mind, Jungwoo put a hand around his neck, got rid of the space between them by pressing his forehead against Lucas', and explained, "We shouldn't. You're gonna get sick, too."

He watched the other boy's expression change, watched relief appear in the handsome features, heard him mumble, "I don't care". Then he felt hands around his waist, manhandling him onto the thighs on which he'd just laid.

"If I get sick-" Lucas placed a soft peck on Jungwoo's lips, "and I spend the whole week in bed-" another one, this time on his cheek, "that's a win for me if you'll take care of me." He added another kiss on his nose.

The smaller giggled, warmth spread inside his body. _Is this really happening? Maybe it's one long fever dream._  His thumb traced over Lucas' lips, stopping the other boy from doing what he obviously was all too ready to do.

He'd never seen lips so soft, so nice, so inviting and -  _and I finally know what they taste like._

When he, at last, stopped tracing the pretty lips with his fingers, Lucas' mouth crashed into his again, too eagerly, too harshly. Jungwoo laughed into the kiss, pulled back just to say, "You're quite excited, aren't you?"

It was Lucas turn to blush now, his turn to let out a shy laugh. Despite Jungwoo's teasing, his eagerness didn't cease, his lips and hands seemed to be in a hurry, racing against time.

_You're adorable like this._  He couldn't say it out loud, but it was all that he could think of. 

"Damn," whispered Jungwoo into Lucas' mouth, completely out of breath, "If we don't stop now I'll collapse. I'm not exactly-" he kept Lucas from sucking on his lower lip by leaning back. "I'm not exactly in the right condition." 

His roommate started resembling a hurt puppy once again. Gaze fixed on Jungwoo's lips he sighed, "Okay. You're right." Nonetheless, a little pout appeared on his face, one that made everything in Jungwoo burn. 

Grinning, the older made to get up, only to be pulled into a tight hug. His chest was pressed against Lucas', he was sitting on his lap, straddling him.

"Don't move, please," muttered Lucas, "I just wanna hold you, okay?" 

Jungwoo didn't say anything. His arms embraced the taller, hands linking behind the other's back. He buried his face somewhere between Lucas' neck and shoulder and closed his eyes, inhaling the scent that only he could offer.

"Thank you," Jungwoo heard him say. He didn't respond, didn't move. With his eyes closed and his energy completely gone, he tried not to fall asleep. 

He didn't allow himself to think about the consequences or about what would come next. All he wanted was to hold Lucas tightly. 

A little later, it might have been two minutes or twenty, Jungwoo was half-asleep and couldn't tell, the arms around him tightened. Lucas moved from the edge of the bed to the wall, all while holding the boy in his arms, not letting go of him.

Jungwoo pretended to have fallen asleep, hid his grin in the other's neck. _He really doesn't wanna let go._ For a second a sharp pain ran through his ribs. Even though Lucas was trying to be gentle he had no idea how strong his grip could be. 

Keeping himself from laughing out loud -and maybe also screaming-, Jungwoo bit his lips, tried not to make a sound.

Lucas always tried to be gentle around him, yet still always showed a little too much force, a little too much eagerness.  _Like a puppy._

After what felt like forever, he seemed to have found a position that was comfortable enough. He stopped moving and leaned his back against the wall with a pillow behind him. One of his hands was glued on Jungwoo's back, the other around his neck.

_Am I really gonna stay like this... in his arms? Sitting on his lap? I'm breathing in 70% Lucas and 30% air. I could pretend to wake up and -_

Long fingers began playing with his hair, wandered over the skin of his neck, softly and slowly.

_Nevermind,_  thought Jungwoo, putting everything but the feeling of Lucas under him, against him and around him on standby.

Even though he was pressed against Lucas and was sure that his friend was gonna suffer from a stiff neck and back pain in a few minutes, he took a deep breath and smiled into the darkness offered by the other's shoulders. Maybe it was the meds kicking in, maybe it was the comfort the long limbs around his body offered, but when he drifted into sleep he only held on to Lucas more tightly.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me forever to update!! If u haven't already dropped this fic (which u obv haven't if ur reading this thank u for that) bc of my almost one-month hiatus I hope you'll like this chapter. Thank u for reading as always and I PROMISE next chap gonna be up sooner,,,

  _Have you ever looked at your bedroom ceiling and wondered how something can be so ... consistent? You've cried your eyes out on your bed a hundred times, have laughed under the ceiling with your friends till you've reached that point where you're only laughing because the other person is laughing and have spent hours upon hours hiding underneath your sheets from the world, wasting time on your phone, only to regret the time wasted later on while staring at the ceiling, wondering what exactly you were doing with your life and how this whole growing up thing was supposed to work._

_And through all that you've undergone a thousand tiny changes, day by day, week by week; till one day you wake up and aren't the same person anymore who was staring at the ceiling a while ago. The funny thing is you don't realize that right then and there. But, in hindsight, you'll look at the damn ceiling and understand that even though you might look exactly the same, your thoughts aren't the same, nor do you feel what you used to feel. You're someone else. You might eat different food now, listen to different music, have different friends._

_You rarely notice it, but you know there is an always ongoing process resembling a metamorphosis occurring inside you. Only on very few days you feel it: how your skin doesn't seem to be yours, the specks in your eyes don't seem to belong to you, your words sound unfamiliar and you see the world differently, as if for the first time. That's when you know you've changed,  you've grown, and you're not the person you once were anymore, even if everything around you has stayed the same._

 

Jungwoo woke up with flushed cheeks and long limbs around his torso. He blinked a few times, wondering if he was still dreaming. 

The memories came back one by one: They had kissed, they had-  _Shit_.

He'd been waiting for it, had anticipated the moment with absolute excitement and now that it had happened it'd been so much better than he could've imagined.

Nonetheless, there was this nagging voice in his chest, shouting that this was going too fast, that Lucas couldn't be the one, that this couldn't be right. Something inside him resisted the idea of being with the boy, something that wanted to protect himself from getting hurt more than he wanted to keep feeling the warmth around his body. 

The warmth vanished as Lucas leaned back and curiously watched Jungwoo rubbing his tired eyes.

"You slept so long."

It was a statement, yet sounded like an accusation.

With Jungwoo's lips curling into a smile the nagging voices disappeared and were replaced by the sensation of a dozen kisses being placed on his still heated forehead.

"The meds-" began the drowsy boy, but was interrupted by his own giggle. "Stop it, I just woke up."

Lucas gave him an  _I-noticed-that-_ look. "You napped over an hour. I'm sure I've permanently damaged my spine sitting like that the whole time." While he spoke, he started touching his back - most likely looking for broken bones - and Jungwoo couldn't help but stare at his lips. How was it possible for someone's lips to be so soft? And for eyes to be so sparkly?  _Fuck you, Lucas Wong._

"Did you do nothing except watch me sleep the past hour? 'Cause if that's all you did, I'll have to ask you to leave right now."

Again, the prettiest lips on the planet parted, then formed a gentle smile. "I watched some videos on mute, you know, to not wake you up. Thinking about it, no, I didn't really do anything," his friend looked back at him sheepishly. "I might have memorized every single pore on your face and also counted your eyelashes."

What was (hopefully) supposed to be a joke made Jungwoo struggle for breath. Helplessly, he began fanning himself, tried to focus his gaze on the tree outside the window. About a million things he hated about his face appeared in his mind, making him self-conscious and uncomfortable.

"Oh, you got a phone call, Snoopy. No, you got  _a lot_  of calls. Probably Doyoung."

Jungwoo stopped fanning himself mid-motion, alarm spreading inside his stomach. "Are you sure it was Doyoung?"

"I didn't get up to check. I mean," he pointed at the older boy still planted on his legs, "It's not like I could move. But only Doyoung has this habit of calling you 30 times in a row. Kinda extreme if you ask me. Your phone was vibrating for minutes."

Jungwoo rolled off Lucas' thighs and straight to his phone. 

He hadn't talked with his friend since their fight. It felt like a lifetime ago when they'd fought over nothing, when Doyoung had left the flat after they'd both said things they knew they'd regret once they'd have calmed down. It's already been a day. A whole day. That was bad. They never ended a day with a fight still going on. Then again, last night had been overwhelming with Lucas coming home and Jungwoo getting sick and this morning had been... special. Truthfully, it had completely slipped Jungwoo's mind.

He grabbed his phone from the table, checked the messages and calls. 

 

@Jungwoo 07:03 pm: I'm sorry

@Jungwoo 08:32 pm: I'm sorry

@Jungwoo 09:11 pm: I'm sorry

@Jungwoo 10:42 pm: stop ignoring me I apologized

@Jungwoo 11:00 pm: wyd

@Jungwoo 11:05 pm: I miss my best friend

@Jungwoo 11:08 pm: I hope ur asleep and not ignoring me.

@Jungwoo 11:11 pm: u know what I was thinking about today? how weird it is that there once was a time where we didn't know each other. we'd wake up and live our lives not even imagining that there's a person out there who we'd in the future end up sharing every secret with. it made me think how I don't want to imagine a future without you. ever. I love you.

@Jungwoo 11:15 pm: yeah ur def asleep. call me when you wake up ♡

 

@Jungwoo 04:33 pm: I called you 20 times today, why aren't u answering. I'm worried :(

@Jungwoo 04:35 pm: I guess u dropped ur phone in the toilet, fine.

 

The boy put his phone down, expression resembling a person's who'd just won the lottery. 

With Doyoung on his side, everything felt easier to deal with instantly. Knowing things were okay again lifted a weight off his shoulders. How he'd have loved to just drop everything and visit his friend's flat and hug the shit out of him!

"You... look like you're about to cry? Is everything okay? Why are you smiling... and tearing up at the same time?" Perplexed, Lucas narrowed his eyebrows. "Snoopy?"

He was sitting in his usual position, cross-legged, Snoopy plushie behind him, phone in his hands. His hair was messy and his face carrying a shadow of under-eye circles, yet somehow Jungwoo could've sworn he'd never seen him look more beautiful. He tried to take a picture with his eyes, told himself to remember every detail of the boy's appearance to hold on to it in his memories: the black shirt with the sleeves rolled up, caramel skin contrasting the black, dark grey ripped jeans, the cute round brown eyes and the ears who always made him look a little more child-like.

_If you were just a little less cute I'd live an easier life._

Covering his flushed face with both hands, Jungwoo nodded, "Everything's fine. I'm just happy."

 

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: please

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: come over

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: tonight

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: I need u

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: we have to

@Doyoung 5:22 pm: talk

 

"I owe you pizza, right?" said Jungwoo, wrapping a thin blanket around himself until he looked like a giant walking human burrito. "How about pizza for dinner? Pizza and the new season of Daredevil?"

Lucas gifted him a wide smile, hands reaching out to pull the human burrito closer.

 

* * *

 

"That smile has never meant anything but trouble."

Jungwoo batted his eyelashes, tried to put on a straight face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Doyoung took the slice of pizza away from him, sighing dramatically. "You open the door, your face as red as a tomato, and Romeo runs out almost immediately, not even looking at me once. You two have either committed a crime and are trying to cover it up - and you are doing a bad job - or there was another reason you ignored me last night. The _whole_ night," he swallowed the last bite of pizza before he finished, "Please tell me you did something illegal and not... you know."

The brown-haired boy tilted his head to the side, said innocently. "You're right. We killed someone."

The second Doyoung had knocked on the door Lucas had jerked away from Jungwoo as if realizing just then the boy had a contagious disease. He'd packed his gym bag and had left, making up some stuff about how he hadn't done any arm training in weeks. Both Doyoung and Jungwoo had watched the tall boy stumble over his own words and feet, had feigned not knowing it was a made up excuse to leave. And, in all honesty, Jungwoo was kind of glad he didn't have to wait for Lucas to be in the shower to discuss matters concerning said boy with his best friend.

Now, the one with pretty rabbit-like features was lying on his stomach on Jungwoo's bed, eating pizza left-overs and waiting for him to finally start talking.

Jungwoo kept stealing glances at his friend, unnecessary attempts at finding out if everything was truly okay between the two again. It was unnecessary because he knew Doyoung would've straight up told him if something had been still bothering him. The bunny eyes were only filled with love for the pizza and ... _Wait._

It took Jungwoo more than one look at Doyoung to notice something he had completely missed before: the anticipation in his eyes meant that he too had something to tell.

"Doyoung, what happened?" Jungwoo blurted out.

His friend raised his eyebrows, pink mouth forming a confused O-shape. "What?"

"Come on, don't lie to me. Something's up."

It was so obviously written on Doyoung's face that Jungwoo wondered how he hadn't noticed before. 

"Well," started the other boy at last. "Something might have happened." He sat up straight, took the coke bottle in both hands to play with the cap. "Taeyong came by last night."

Jungwoo, stuffing his mouth with cold pizza, muttered shocked, "Really?"

"Yes, he knocked on my door at like 2 am and at first I didn't even wanna open the door, cause I thought... Well, been there done that. But, he said he'd only come to talk. Yuta wasn't there - He's been spending a lot of time at Sicheng's recently, maybe he's avoiding me after I got mad about him eating my cereal? - Anyway, I let Taeyong in. He was so serious Jungwoo, you should've seen his face."

Doyoung stopped to imitate the expression Taeyong wore last night: eyes wide, lips a thin line, eyebrows narrowed. 

"I had never seen him that serious before. He started apologizing really sincerely and said he'd make everything up to me." The boy's gaze wandered aimlessly through the room, his voice growing quieter. "I think he means it. Might not be the smartest thing to do, but I'll give him the chance."

Jungwoo's hand found Doyoung's. Softly, he said, "Just do what feels right. I don't want you to have any regrets later."

His friend nodded absent-mindedly.

"Taeyong is the first person I've ever really fallen in love with and-" he offered Jungwoo an apologetic, embarrassed smile, "this is so cheesy, don't throw me out for it- but I hope he's gonna be the last too." 

The younger of the two made a disgusted face, even though there was nothing but happiness in him upon hearing his friend's words. "Ouch. That was so sweet, it's kinda gross." 

He waited a moment, gave himself time to gather the courage to ask what's been on his mind for a while now. He glanced over at Cas, the plant, and said, "Can I ask you something?"

"No," replied Doyoung instantly. He was trying to open the coke bottle, but he'd been playing with it non-stop, making it impossible to open the thing without spilling it all over the sheets. After a few attempts, he gave up and paid attention to the pizza instead.

Ignoring his friend's bad sense of humor, Jungwoo asked, "How did you know... Like... How did you know you love him?"

"That's hard to answer. It's on a different level? As in there's a difference between what you feel for someone whom you're physically attracted to and maybe even like a lot and someone who's just-" he broke off, took his time formulating an explanation, "Someone you could see at their ugliest days and still be like 'Damn, you're the most beautiful human being walking this earth'." He thought a second before shaking his head. "I take it back, that's not it. It's not that much about looks. It's more about wanting someone's happiness as much as you want your own. No, that's not it either. Feeling-" he broke off again. "Never mind, you just know it."

After a few seconds of comprehension time and a lot of confused blinking, Jungwoo replied, "That wasn't helpful at all."

"I tried," Doyoung shrugged. "Your turn. Tell me, what did you two do?"

It took Jungwoo fifteen minutes, multiple instances of helplessly staring out the window and blushing madly to summarize everything that had happened since he'd last met his friend. 

Talking about it was surreal. Putting the things that had happened into words, into coherent sentences, was overwhelming. Jungwoo had gone from 'I hate this boy' to falling asleep in his arms. The worst thing was, he didn't regret any of it, although he secretly wished to feel some sort of remorse. Whatever was happening to him when he was around Lucas, he had to learn to control it, he couldn't simply give in to his desires. Not when it created so much confusion.

"So... you're a thing now?" asked Doyoung wide-eyed after Jungwoo had managed to retell the last event - Lucas running out the door.

There it was, the question that Jungwoo had tried to avoid. He hadn't allowed himself to think about it since the thought alone made him want to book a plane ticket to whichever uninhabited island was far away enough to live there in isolation forever without meeting a smirking demon again.

When the raven-haired boy repeated his words once again there was no escape.

"No," replied Jungwoo immediately. "No, we're not _a thing_. I don't know what we are, but I don't want to... Not with... God, no."

Not convinced at all, his friend demanded, "Explain."

"I've never been in a relationship before. I have zero experience and he has _a lot_. You know what kinda experiences I'm talking about. It's Lucas after all," the boy sighed, suddenly too exhausted to continue the conversation, "I don't mean to be judgmental or anything, he can do whatever he wants. It's just that he'd drop me too and I'd be the one sobbing later, definitely not him."

Seemingly still not convinced, his friend asked, "Then why would you kiss him? Do the things you two did? That didn't sound like a horny 'let's make out and not talk about it after'. It sounded," Jungwoo feared the next words from Doyoung's lips and when he said them, it made him wonder why there suddenly wasn't enough air in the room, "real. Like you're actually feeling more for him than just physical attraction."

How should he explain to Doyoung something that he himself wasn't able to understand? 

"I don't know," said Jungwoo quietly. He opened the coke bottle, pretended to want to drink from it, When he watched it spill all over the sheets with a pretend-shocked face and saw his friend jump up to save his phone from the sugary liquid, he knew his distraction tactic had worked. At least for the moment. 

He had no idea what he'd do once there was no escape route left.

 

* * *

 

Lucas came home shortly before 11 pm. His hair was still wet from the shower he'd taken at the gym and his cheeks had a scarlet tint from the training he'd done. 

Despite telling himself to act casual, Jungwoo caught himself staring at Lucas. He stared at the moving muscles of the boy's back while he took off his hoodie and changed into a loose shirt and he continued staring at him while the tall boy finished a bottle of water in what might have been only three gulps.

With shame, Jungwoo realized how creepily he was gawking at his roommate. He decided to be useful instead and got the blow-dryer from the bathroom, plucked it in, sat down on the bed and told Lucas to sit in front of him on the floor. 

The younger didn't protest - on the contrary, he looked delighted - and neither did he protest as Jungwoo began combing the too-long brown hair with his fingers instead of using a brush. 

Jungwoo turned off the blow-dryer once Lucas' hair was completely dry. However, he didn't stop playing with the strands of hair between his fingers. 

Lucas smelled absolutely intoxicating. The older didn't want to be a creep and sniff his hair - he'd been creepy enough staring at Lucas like he was about to skin him -, still, he found himself leaning forwards again and again, till he gave up and placed his chin on the boy's head, his arms falling around Lucas' shoulders.

"Your hair is softer when you've just taken a shower," mumbled he to himself, lost in thoughts. Way too many feelings were fighting for dominance inside him and way too many questions haunted him. 

Leaning back again, absorbed in the maze inside his own mind, he used his index finger to trace the word 'Hello' on Lucas' back. 

He laughed softly when he got an immediate, enthusiastic response. 

"Hello!"

He drew a star from the boy's shoulder blades to his lower back.

"A star," stated Lucas.

Taking his time, Jungwoo traced a smiley face on the suddenly tense muscles. "Calm down," said he gently, "or am I making you that nervous, Lucas?"

Although his friend was trying to shrug it off, Jungwoo could still feel the tension in his body. Every time he traced a design on the boy's back goosebumps appeared on his arms. The older pulled the blanket from the bed and covered the boy sitting on the floor with it, just in case he was cold. One last time he let his fingers run over the fabric of the shirt. This time he created a plant.

"I don't know? A mountain?"

Jungwoo gestured towards the plant on the window sill. "It's your son, Cas. Who's dying by the way. Or at least he will die if we don't water him tomorrow. He's gotten brown spots on his leaves."

Mock-shocked, Lucas looked at the plant. "Is this how much you value things I get you? You let them die?"

"I was busy making sure his dad didn't run away from home, I had no time to water him."

Quiet filled the void. Then Lucas tugged on Jungwoo's shirt till he sat down next to him on the floor. The older knew it was Lucas' way of asking to see his face, to make eye contact with him.

There was something bittersweet in the air, a feeling that was melancholic and warm at once. Maybe it was Jungwoo's imagination, but somehow his roommate looked different. Their gazes locked and Lucas inched closer, while Jungwoo pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his legs.

"I sort of hoped Doyoung wouldn't be here. Not that I don't want him here, it's just... I was hoping we'd be alone."

For some reason, the way Lucas' said those words bothered Jungwoo extremely. It might have been what was said, perhaps his tone or his smirk, or perhaps it was all inside his head, but it ruined the bittersweet and replaced it with nervous restlessness.

"I'm not surprised," smiled Jungwoo halfheartedly. "That reminds me of something I wanted to talk to you about."

He spoke the next words quickly as if in a rush, making the sentences sound like one messy string of syllables. "See, I know that you've probably got some expectations about what's gonna happen next. And I can imagine that those aren't exactly things which I'd wanna do right now. So, I'm just telling you, it's not gonna happen."

His roommate shook his head slowly, obviously bewildered. "What do you mean?"

Jungwoo forced himself to talk slower and louder, hoped his tongue would stop feeling swollen all of a sudden. "I said that I know that you might have _expectations_. Expectations which we should talk about 'cause I'm not really that kinda guy to... you know, it's..." he tripped over his words ungracefully, tongue cursed with knots. "Your reputation precedes you."

Lucas reacted to the words as if Jungwoo had slapped him. His round eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. "What?"

Uncomfortable, the older tried to justify what he'd said, "Well, I'm pretty sure you know what people are saying... about you." When the other didn't speak - but at least he'd managed to close his mouth again - Jungwoo continued, "You're just... you're not really known for being a prude? Which is completely fine, but-" He stopped abruptly when he looked at his roommate, who suddenly looked like a stranger. 

With his expression absolutely stoic - Jungwoo had never seen him like that before-, Lucas was observing him. The atmosphere between them had turned into something Jungwoo wanted to run from. Lately, all he'd been good at was successfully fucking everything up.

"What else have you heard?" wondered the deep voice quietly. 

The older boy didn't reply. Flustered, he looked down at his hands. Was Lucas... getting angry? 

"Answer me. What else have you heard?" inquired Lucas, raising his voice. "How I've fucked half the campus? Maybe even the bullshit about my parents bribing the dean? How I only dated Sana to get her to write a term paper for me? What about that one time I apparently had a thing with the prof? You know the old woman teaching _Society and the rights of the individual_? What about that?"

Jungwoo opened his mouth but didn't speak. He didn't know what to say. _Yeah, I've heard of all of that. Especially the prof story, people talked about that for weeks._

He stared up at the boy who was now walking through the room with his eyes still fixed on Jungwoo. Then, out of the blue, a sound between a growl and a shout left Lucas lungs, causing Jungwoo to jump. 

"Did you believe those things?"

No reply.

" _Do_ you still believe those things?"

Silence.

Lucas dropped down to Jungwoo's level, hand lifting the older boy's chin, forcing him to look at him. "Tell me the truth."

He couldn't lie to him, not when he was this close and his eyes so carefully observing his face. 

"Some, maybe. I mean, I didn't know you at first and then - I know you're different from what I've heard. Everyone was saying shit and ... I don't know. God, Lucas, I don't know what to say."

The other's hand fell to his side. He didn't seem to be offended any more, he seemed to be simply grossed out, which was much, much worse.

"I thought you're different, Sn- Jungwoo. But turns out you're like everyone else. You never once asked me about any of it. You could've, you know, you could've. We've been living together. If you had cared you would've had asked me if any of it was true. Guess, I was the only one actually giving a fuck."

Wincing, Jungwoo bit his lips. He couldn't believe what was happening, couldn't believe Lucas was in front of him, furious and disgusted, and that he actually deserved it. He'd decided to believe the shit he'd heard for much longer than he should've because it gave him a reason to keep distance from the boy and to have his guard up.

How ironic it was that the whole time Lucas should've been the one on guard.

"I don't- I don't-", Jungwoo bit his lower lip hard, told himself to fucking stop stuttering and forced himself to continue with a half-broken voice, "I don't understand why you're so angry. It's some bullshit some idiots said. That's it. I'm sorry, please stop being so mad."

As he saw that Lucas' eyes sparkled not with happiness, but with traitorous tears caused by him, Jungwoo learned a new kind of pain, experienced an unfamiliar self-hate, one that was rooted in the knowledge that you've hurt the person you wanted to protect the most. Everything had changed in mere moments and Jungwoo wasn't able to hold it together anymore. 

"You don't understand? Of course, you don't understand," Lucas scoffed, "It seems like you always choose to only _understand_ whatever suits the stories you tell yourself in your head." He leaned forward again, till he was eye-level with the boy sitting with his knees pulled to his chest on the floor. 

"I like you. I've liked you the day I first saw you: you ran into Kun and I knew you fell for him, I saw how you blushed and started stuttering. God, it was so obvious. You were so obvious. And I? I'm so dumb, I saw all that and I still fell for you. For your smile, your voice, the way your eyes lit up when you saw Kun. And I knew I had fucked up when I started searching for you everywhere." 

Lucas blinked away tears, yet somehow the sadness didn't seem to have spread further than his eyes. His mouth was still curled into what could've been a smile if he hadn't stopped somewhere along the way.

"I died when you screamed at me at the party. I knew you hated me. Still, when I walked into this goddamn apartment weeks ago, I thought it was nothing but fate. Even when you admitted you like Kun, I was still convinced this was meant to be, may it only be in friendship. I didn't care. I was okay with the idea of 'Jungwoo and Kun', because I love both of you. Him as a brother, you as a -" he stopped mid-sentence, fingers running through his hair, looking for the right words which he couldn't find. "Right now - Right now, you're being so, so cruel and I can't take it anymore. I don't know what kinda friends you've had in the past, but friends don't kiss like we did nor do they do any of the shit we've done. And friends don't believe fucked up rumors about each other. Friends don't do that."

Silence.

_A mirror once broken will forever have cracks, no matter how hard you try to fix it._

No words could express what Jungwoo felt in that moment. Was it fear? Embarrassment for being so oblivious? Guilt for leading him on? Why was there a hint of happiness in his chest because of Lucas' words? More than anything he felt self-hatred. How much must he have hurt the boy who'd brought so much joy into his life?

"I had no idea-" began Jungwoo, mouth desert dry, "I had no idea you felt that way. I thought all this was just... fun for you?"

Judging by his friend's face, everything he said only made it worse. 

"This is what you think of me?" The taller took a step back. "You know I used to think we've gotten to know each other pretty well, but it seems like even our friendship was one-sided."

Instantly Jungwoo protested. "That's not true. We're friends. We..." He broke off, stood up, tried to get closer to the boy whose goal it apparently was to create as much space between them as possible. "I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to feel. I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"You're not a mess, you're just trying so unbelievably hard to not let anyone close." Lucas turned away. "Thinking 'bout it, this explains your devotion to Kun. You don't really know him."

The older boy's mouth parted to protest again, but Lucas didn't let him interrupt.

"You talked like five times and suddenly he's your knight in shining armor and you're the damsel in distress?" Lucas took a deep breath. "You don't need anyone to save you, Jungwoo. Not Kun, nor Doyoung, nor anyone else. Just once, open your eyes and see yourself for what you truly are."

Jungwoo let out a bitter laugh. "Which is?"

_Disgusting and weak?_

"Beautiful. The most beautiful person I've ever met."

Never did Jungwoo expect words so kind to hit him with the violence of a punch in the stomach. _I'm not beautiful_ , he wanted to say, _I'm not fucking beautiful. There's so much wrong with me, you can't even imagine._

He couldn't make a single sound. The tears rolling down his cheeks seemed to fill every inch in his throat, his lungs, he was drowning from the inside and couldn't ask for help, not when it was his own fault.

Lucas exhaled loudly, faced Jungwoo again. "I don't think I can stay. I think it's best if I sleep at Sicheng's tonight."

Whimpering, the older said, "Don't leave."

His roommate shook his head, their eyes didn't meet. "Please, stop crying. I hate to see you cry." The compassion in his voice made everything hurt more. "I'll be honest with you. I'm fucking hurt. I'm mad, I don't wanna be mad, but I am. I can't believe you took all the bullshit you heard for truth. Honestly, I don't think you give a fuck about me. If you did you'd have asked me about whatever lies you've heard." Lucas took his backpack and started packing. Then, a thought must have crossed his mind, because he turned around to face a pale Jungwoo and said, "Did you think I was gonna fuck you and leave? Or maybe, even better, get you to write a term paper for me before that?"

A sad smile appeared on the plump lips. "It's my fault for falling for someone who obviously hated me from the beginning. I just thought things had changed."

Jungwoo realized he wasn't crying anymore. Inside his brain, something had switched and he was on standby mode. It was as if the world had stopped spinning, as if he was seeing everything through a heavy fog.

He watched him. Jungwoo watched Lucas pack his stuff, watched him open his arms to embrace him in a goodbye hug and watched him close the door.

Then Jungwoo fell onto his bed, stared at the white ceiling and realized he couldn't even cry.

He was numb.


	23. Chapter 23

_It took me 16 hours to leave my bed after you left and even then I only got up because I thought Doyoung was gonna kick the door open. It took me four days to taste food again because when you left everything turned bland and nothing tasted good anymore. The night you left I spent six hours staring at the ceiling with a blank expression, trying to sort my thoughts and even six hours weren't enough. I was lost._

_It took me absolutely no time to be crushed by your absence, to suffocate in the vast space you'd left. Because that's what happened: I had fucked up, as expected, and you had left, also as expected. Everyone leaves sooner or later and it's always better to watch it happen sooner. Still, I spent 16 hours drowning in sheets that still smelled like you only to torture myself with ideas of what could've been and only ifs, knowing very well that I had no right to miss you for I was the reason you'd left._

* * *

 

_I loved once and I regret it wholeheartedly. Everyone always says "everything is a lesson, you just have to see the value in it" or dumb shit like "your adversity is your strength". No, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes all that happens is that you're covered in a hundred invisible little scars, which you may hide from the world, but can't cover up from yourself._

_The boy I loved was stronger than me, more handsome, funnier. Obviously, when he reached out to hold my hand I was happy beyond measure._

_Up to that point I had considered myself ill. I had a deathly disease, something eating me up from the inside, with its claws deep into the flesh of my stomach, its teeth always gnawing on whatever it could find inside my rib cage. The monster fed on me and I couldn't get rid of it._

_I tried, I swear, I tried._

_When I was eight, I felt its teeth grazing my insides for the first time. With Minyeol's hand in mine and his laughter mixing with the morning air, I greeted the beast with kindness, although I was surprised; I didn't know what it was nor what it'd do to me._

_Around my thirteenth birthday me and the beast had gotten more familiar with each other during late night conversations, whispering things that I could've never imagined saying out loud one day - today, I wish I could go back in time, tell myself what I know now, marvel with past me about the friends I'll one day make and tell myself how the things that kept me up every night wouldn't matter a year from then._

_In reality though my heart was breaking every day to the sound of loud girlish giggles harmonizing with bad jokes told in voices still breaking. I didn't fit in. How could I? I was an abomination, a freak accident. I knew something was different about me long before I could put it into words. I assumed I wasn't deserving of love, thought that even the people who claimed they loved me would abandon me the day they found out about the beast inside me. Some people, I believed, were meant to live and die alone and I was one of them._

_How do you live knowing you're a mistake? How do you live knowing that someone out there fucked up while making you? Living felt like having to put together a puzzle knowing very well that one piece was always missing._

_The day I turned eighteen I had yet to experience what it meant to love romantically and to be loved - although the latter I still can't imagine to this day -, but I was ready for my heart to be shattered and ready to finally have tears rolling down my cheeks caused by a boy who wasn't fictional for once._

_It took me 128 days to speak to him. One-hundred-fucking-twenty-eight days. Hands shaking uncontrollably and lips ruby from biting on them non-stop during the last class, I mumbled, "Do you have a pen?" Rai nodded, gave me a black pen and I was done for._

_Before anything else I fell for his smile. A pretty smile had always been my weakness, bringing me to my knees way too easily. And his smile was fucking divine. It's been years since I've seen those lips curl up into what I later recognized to be my downfall, but I still feel the sensation his smile left lingering somewhere deep inside my bones. To this day there's only been one person who could compete._

_Onyx black hair and dark green eyes composed art, art which I was allowed to marvel at day by day, sometimes in class, sometimes in his bedroom when his parents weren't around._

_7 weeks it had taken him to completely own my heart. Looking back, I often wondered if he had everything planned out already, wondered if destruction was a byproduct of his games or the end goal. I don't know. I still don't know. All I know is that I walked into class one day and the desk I usually sat at was covered with a rainbow flag and a rubber dick was glued to my seat. I saw Rai smile and everything fell apart. I turned around and left._

_That was when I entered my first circle of hell: 'coming out'. The second one, 'screenshots', followed shortly after. A few sweet words from Rai, dripping nectar and hope, and I had walked into the trap, confessing things I'd later hear people tell each other in hallways._

_Everyone knew it._

_I can't describe what it feels like walking into a room and knowing everyone is whispering about you, saying the ugliest things or giving you sad looks filled with compassion. Fuck, I didn't want their compassion. I wanted to be swallowed by the earth 'till I was nothing but organic matter mixed with soil. As expected, life wasn't that kind to me and I had to keep walking through demon-filled corridors and had to listen to the sound of banshees screaming next to me during breaks I spent alone in the bathroom stall._

_Rai dropped me once he was done playing. Maybe I wasn't interesting enough anymore, maybe - dumb me still held on to that at that point - he felt bad for the "prank" he'd pulled. A prank he only apologized for in rude giggles whenever I entered the classroom. I learned to avoid him and his army by skipping P.E. and spending more time in the library than a teenager who doesn't wanna be a total nerd should._

_Well, avoiding him was an option 'till the day Rai declared in front of the whole class with his charming sweet voice, "I'm pretty sure Jungwoo would suck my dick if I asked him nicely." I don't remember what was said before, I don't know whether I replied anything. All I know is that I packed my bag and left before they could see me break into tears._

_That was the day I asked my parents to change schools. I'm glad I did. There's only that much humiliation you can take before you break and I truly didn't wanna break._

_I couldn't fight another beast when I was still at war with the monster living inside me._

_The following period of time I'd now call 'blooming'. I know it sounds corny. Fast forward almost two years and life has turned upside down. I've tamed the beast, learned to make friends with it and put it asleep. It's been a long time since I've had to battle it. There are no claws ripping me apart from the inside and no roaring outcries keeping me up all night._

_But, because life is a fucking bitch, I had to meet another monster, which I now understand had been lurking around me like a shadow from the day I said "Hello" to Rai. This beast was like a cloud - perhaps a ghost - always surrounding me, always reminding me of all the reasons Rai couldn't love me and why I shouldn't love me either. This one only speaks in rejection and has given me nothing but shivers and nightmares. Sometimes the voices of the people around me drown the screams, but my thoughts never manage to be louder than the blaring words: You don't deserve to be loved._

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday Jungwoo cried himself to sleep with fists clenched around sheets that still smelled like Lucas and cursing a certain plushie that reminded him of everything he didn't want to be reminded of. Sleep only offered a short visit that night, so Jungwoo watched the sunrise and realized once again why he'd always preferred the moon. On Tuesday Doyoung forced him to break his unintentional fast, but the donut tasted poisonous and the sandwich like dirt. Had those really been his favorite choices before? In the end, he finished both under the supervision of his best friend, yet felt like poison was running down his throat. On Wednesday he tried to message Lucas 143 times. He thought of 143 different ways of apologizing before he realized none of them could explain what he truly wanted to say. No words carried the meaning he wanted to convey and he wondered if he had to invent a new language to be able to talk with Lucas again. On Thursday morning he counted that it'd been four nights during which he'd slept with Lucas' shirt pulled over his pillow and it was starting to smell more like him and less like Lucas and that realization scared the shit out of Jungwoo. Friday he began to wonder if everything had been one long dream from which he'd woken up now. Then he looked at the plant with the dark green leaves and the blue toothbrush still touching his own, which hadn't been touched the past five days, and the fear of it all having had been a dream was replaced with the unbearable knowledge of the truth. Saturday morning Jungwoo told himself that he'd bathed in self-pity for too long. It was time for a change, for him to get up again, although he knew he'd be crawling at first.

He started with something he hadn't done all week: he made breakfast. He couldn't use the cup with the pink stars (Lucas had used it so often it had basically become his), nor look at Cas for longer than 5 seconds without falling into the hole again, but he managed to put together a decent breakfast consisting of eggs and toast. To avoid his thoughts he watched a bunch of YouTube videos. Eyes following a brunette girl's morning routine (which was scripted better than an Oscar-worthy documentary), he found the motivation to get up and tidy his dorm.

Is there a better way to start fresh than to declutter and clean your entire room? Probably not. 

Jungwoo spent two hours cleaning the bathroom and three more on his closet and the crammed shelves. As he took everything out of his bags and emptied his binders on his carpet he reached a new kind of high, a euphoric state which always came with the act of merciless decluttering. But today euphoria was dancing with leftover scraps of depression, a bizarre waltz uniting legs running forwards with hope for a better tomorrow with fingers holding on to the fog of the past.

Why did everything remind Jungwoo of Lucas? His three-year-old ruler surely had no connection to the boy who now felt as vital to his existence as the air in his lungs. Sitting on the floor, he looked at every item in his pencil case, decided what to keep and what to throw out one by one. When his fingers brushed a tiny piece of paper he stopped with the intention throw it in the trash. Yet, curiosity made him unfold it first.

'I like you, cutie ♡'

Fingertips traced the messily written words as pink lips parted in surprise. He knew the handwriting, was now too familiar with the hurriedly written letters.

_Lucas_.

Jungwoo's mind wandered back to the day weeks ago in class, back when Lucas was nothing but a jerk infamous for the shit he'd supposedly done, and Jungwoo remembered how Lucas had kept throwing paper at him 'till he changed seats. Did he change seats? He couldn't remember, it had happened too many times. 

_Too many times..._

For a second he allowed himself to imagine that every tiny piece of paper had been filled with adorable messages. The thought made his stomach cramp and his chest hurt. He fell into laughter dripping with irony as he realized it had taken him until after Lucas had left to understand that the message was from the boy once sharing a room with him.

Leaving the pile of stationary on the ground he got up to get his phone. He was still holding the piece of paper between his fingers when he typed the first words he'd sent Lucas that week.

@Lucas 01:06pm Cas misses his dad

@Lucas 01:07pm no not only Cas misses you

@Lucas 01:07pm I miss you. I miss you so much

@Lucas 01:07pm I'm sorry

@Lucas 01:08pm I'm so so sorry


	24. Chapter 24

@Lucas 01:06pm Cas misses his dad

@Lucas 01:07pm no not only Cas misses you

@Lucas 01:07pm I miss you. I miss you so much

@Lucas 01:07pm I'm sorry

@Lucas 01:08pm I'm so so sorry

@Jungwoo 01:10pm I miss you too

@Jungwoo 01:10pm how have you been

@Lucas 01:11pm been okay

@Lucas 01:11pm busy with assignments

@Lucas 01:11pm u?

@Jungwoo 01:12pm what are you doing today

@Jungwoo 01:14pm can I come over?

@Lucas 01:14pm ofc

@Jungwoo 01:15pm 6?

@Lucas 01:15pm can u come earlier?

@Jungwoo 01:15pm 5?

@Lucas 01:16pm I'm waiting 

 

Six days had passed since Lucas had left. The thought of him coming back, opening the door and casually planting himself back on his usual spot on the bed seemed unbelievable to Jungwoo.

What if everything went wrong? What if things got even worse than they were right now? What if he'd just gather the stuff he'd forgotten and leave for good? What if he'd come to fight? Or worse to end whatever was left of their friendship once and for all?

Impatient and nervous Jungwoo wandered through the room in circles, waiting for 5pm.

In his mind he went through possible ways of greeting the boy: a casual 'Hi', an earnest 'I missed you', leaving the country and applying for citizenship in Ireland or maybe a sincere apology. He practiced saying the words out loud, mumbled words of remorse, whispered explanations. Yet, everything seemed fake; no string of letters made up the meaning he wanted to convey.

In the end, everything turned into 3 little words: I need you.

Five minutes before 5pm Lucas knocked at the door, which was weird because Jungwoo had expected him to use his keys. He assumed this was the other's way of warning him about his arrival. A warning he was much grateful for. 

He took one last look in the mirror, checked if he looked alright, pretended Lucas' hadn't seen him in his worst state many times before. Whether it was bent above the toilet with stomach cramps, sweaty fever face or ugly 6ams before class, Lucas really had seen it all. Nonetheless, Jungwoo ran his fingers through his too-long hair ending right above his eyelashes and took off his cardigan. He was sweating and he hadn't even met Lucas yet. He opened the door with his heart racing as if he'd just finished a marathon and his throat itchy.

_Six days._

There he was with his hair cut considerably shorter and his smile half as powerful. He wore a white hoodie that contrasted his caramel skin beautifully and black jeans, which Jungwoo had folded and put into the closet many times before. The deep voice greeting him with an almost shy "What's up" was equally foreign and familiar.

Jungwoo opened his mouth and closed it again without a sound leaving his lips.

Was Lucas a Fata Morgana in the middle of a desert or could he dare to believe he was real? Not trusting his eyes alone, Jungwoo reached out to touch him. At first, the confused fingertips only risked to gently meet the fabric covering broad shoulders, then they clumsily brushed against the much shorter, thick hair. 

_You've cut your hair_ , he meant to say but didn't. Rather than using language, which had been doing a horrible job at serving its function lately, he pulled the boy into a hug, pulled him close and embraced him with unconcealed despair. Fingers buried in the soft fabric of Lucas' hoodie, the "Hey" sound he attempted to make suffocated between a warm neck and his own arm. He noticed that Lucas' arms were unmovingly resting at his sides. He hadn't expected anything else.

When he pulled back his ex-roommate was looking at him with a poker-face.

"I'm here to get full custody of my son," said the taller with a stern expression.

They both fell into laughter at the same time. 

Much too easily things fell back into place: Lucas filled up the emptiness, inhaled the darkness and exhaled light. Never had Jungwoo thought it possible that someone's presence could have such an effect on him. Although the air was thick enough with tension and awkwardness to be cut into pieces, the arms crossed in front of a broad chest and the weak smile undoubtedly offered shelter. A numberless amount of nervous, timid smiles were passed back and forth, along with hands subtly touching, guiding each other from the door to the bed as if they could get lost on the way otherwise.

"You redecorated?" asked Lucas, looking around.

A few transparent boxes holding folders and stationery were gone, along with three anime posters once covering the white walls. The desk was closer to the window and the shelves reorganized.

"Yeah, a little." Jungwoo nodded, sat down on the chair across him.

How weird it was seeing the handsome boy right there again, while he had no idea what nightmares had haunted Jungwoo between the pillow and the blanket he was now comfortably sitting on.

"How are you? Where have you- You've cut your hair? It looks good. Where have you been sl-" the older stopped and reminded himself not to overdo it. The moment he opened his mouth it felt like he'd turned on a faucet, words and feelings were running down his lips.

"I'm good," smiled Lucas. He didn't look all that good. "I stayed at Sicheng's for two days and then went to Johnny's. Still got my stuff there."

The words 'Come back' nearly left Jungwoo's lips, but he bit them harshly before it could happen.

Lucas' eyes wandered over Jungwoo's face, then his body. Excruciatingly slow, he took in the boy's presence, then stated, "You've lost weight."

A shrug.

"How have you been?"

Another shrug.

When Lucas - perhaps out of habit - gestured at the spot next to himself he didn't seem to actually expect Jungwoo to follow. But Jungwoo, much to his own shame, jumped next to him in seconds. 

"This is conditioning," mumbled the older embarrassed, laughing about his own Pavlovian behavior patterns.

_Old habits die hard._

"Tell me, how have you been?" Lucas' right hand cupped Jungwoo's face, made him look up.

_Old habits don't die at all._

The prettiest eyes and the softest lips were pulled into a concerned expression, joined by short brown hair that added a playful charm to the features. It was strange seeing him with different hair, but the good kind of strange. It made him think of all the ways Lucas could surprise him, of all the ways he'd yet to see the beautiful boy - that was, of course, if he intended to stay in Jungwoo's life. 

"I missed you," mumbled Jungwoo into a palm half-covering his mouth. He was doing his best to hold it together, to not break into pieces.

"I missed you too." The younger pulled the Snoopy plushie into his arms with one hand, the other still possessively lingering around the older's face. "But this guy I might have missed more."

And for some reason with that jokingly uttered statement Jungwoo broke. He couldn't stop the tears running down his cheeks. Vulnerable, feeling terrifyingly naked, he sobbed into the hand holding his face and experienced six days worth of sadness leaving his eyes at once.

Lucas stared at him blankly for a few seconds, before pulling him onto his lap and into a hug. The calming  _shhhh-_ sounds he made only caused Jungwoo to cry more. Lucas sounded like he was trying to soothe a child and Jungwoo- Jungwoo couldn't stop himself from overflowing with all that he'd swallowed the past week.

"Stop crying," whispered Lucas, thumbs wiping away the tears, only for a new stream to replace the other immediately. 

"I'm not crying," protested Jungwoo, hiccuping. 

The younger had the audacity to chuckle at the blatant lie. 

"I missed you," repeated the crying one again and again like a broken record. His hands held on to the arms he'd longed for so bad, his eyes were fixed on the brown irises as if he feared they'd disappear the second he blinked.

Unexpectedly, Lucas kissed his cheeks.

No, he didn't.

It took Jungwoo way too long to understand what the other was doing: Lucas was kissing away the tears running down his heated cheeks. Lips, soft and plump, left an indescribable sensation on his wet skin. The infinite stream of tears stopped as a shocked Jungwoo processed what the mouth on his cheeks meant.

"What are you doing?" asked he, turned into stone.

"Stopping you from flooding the room."

"Wait." Slowly, Jungwoo pushed the hands cupping his face away and said, "I want to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm not just saying it. I really, really am. I chose to believe shit about you because it made it easier to- to not like you." His ex-roommates eyebrows were raised in a way suggesting that he was still expecting more. "I fucked up. But that doesn't mean that you don't mean the world to me because you do. You're a very special-" he halted, then, half-swallowing the word, quickly said, "friend. I don't wanna lose you. I want to... make it up to you. I want things to be okay again."

Lucas tilted his head to the side like a cute puppy. "We can do that. I mean make things okay again - as friends."

Eagerly, Jungwoo nodded, although the word _friend_ left a bitter taste in his mouth. "So... let's be friends? Friends who can trust each other and... I don't know. I just want you back in my life. I know it doesn't sound convincing after... well, everything. But if we wanna be able to rely on each other we'll have to build trust first. Which means that we need to be friends before we're anything else. I know it sounds cheesy, but... I don't want you to leave again. And if that means we have to pretend we just met today for the first time... I'd do that."

He could feel the other boy's hands locking behind his back, so he inched a little closer in a sort of non-verbal reply. Jungwoo's hands were still holding on to Lucas' arms like he was sure the second he'd let go the boy would run.

Frowning in concentration, the younger said, "I spent the past days thinking about everything that happened. I know what I've said and I know we can't pretend it didn't happen." The redness in his ears, the helpless smile - the shyness on his face was something Jungwoo had never seen before and for a second  _he_ felt like leaning forward and kissing his cheeks. "Of course, we can't just Men-In-Black ourselves and lose all the memories. But still, I think you're right and we do need to be friends first. Despite everything. Right?"

"Right," came the instant agreement. 

The muscles in Lucas jaw relaxed visibly.

All-encompassing silence followed until Lucas suggested with one corner of his lips smugly raised into a smile, "Not that I mind, but... how about you get off my lap, bro."

Blushing, the older shot back, "I would if you would let me." He wriggled a little in the tight embrace to make obvious that he was the one being held captive. The second Lucas moved his arms, Jungwoo jumped back on the chair across the bed, face colored ruby. 

Friendship was their agenda now. Friends who could depend on each other, trust each other and - Jungwoo thought about the past six days spent with memories of Lucas' lips against his and took a deep breath. He knew this was the right thing to do, but knew just as well that this wasn't aligning with his true desires. However, those could wait if the end goal was something much bigger: to keep Lucas in his life. 

"What now?" asked Lucas quietly. The question was thrown into the room without him expecting an answer from his friend. He proceeded, "Can we have a fresh start? No lies, no weird stuff, nothing. Only us being friends? Getting to know each other as if we'd just met. Can we try?"

Instantly, Jungwoo answered, "I'll do anything."

He knew that at the point they were at right now anything but building a foundation to create a functioning relationship on would go wrong. He'd been a huge dick to Lucas and Lucas had lied to him multiple times, even though he'd never meant any harm. They'd had a bad start, a very weak middle, but they'd have to do better. Things could only go well from now on. Right?

"You'll do anything?" The cocky smile appearing on the plump lips was the first real one that evening. "Is this what six days without me made of you?"

_You've no idea._

"Friends?" said Jungwoo holding out a hand.

"Friends," replied Lucas, shaking the smaller hand. He declared, "No more non-bro things. Trust and..." Narrowing his eyes he continued, "and friendship."

"Awesome," smiled the older. He couldn't help that he sounded like he'd just inhaled helium.

He hesitated to say what he had on his mind, sat up too straight, played with the hem of his shirt. Inhaling deeply, he quickly mumbled, "One more thing. Please, please go to Johnny's, get your stuff and please come back ho- here. I don't wanna sleep alone tonight- I mean... Can you come back?" Realizing how needy he sounded, he added, "Bro."

Lucas spent a ridiculously long time staring at him. Spinning in the chair, Jungwoo waited for Lucas to reject what he'd suggested. There was no way he'd agree.

"Okay," stated the taller. "But, only if I get the bed though. You kinda deserve sleeping on the floor, Snoopy."

Jungwoo would've agreed to sleep in the hallway outside if that would've brought Lucas home. He didn't voice that. Instead, he shrugged. "Fine by me."

 

* * *

 

With a backpack filled to the rim and a grin that betrayed his provocative claim that he already missed Johnny's huge flat, Lucas came home a few hours after their talk. Yet, despite repeatedly saying how nice it had been at Johnny's, it took the boy almost no time to unpack, to brush his teeth and to sneak under Jungwoo's blanket with a satisfied expression. 

The blue plastic toothbrush had finally stopped looking so lonely.

"And he had a TV," whined the boy peeking through the covers. "A huge one. And a couch."

"Then why are you here?" asked Jungwoo frustrated. He'd just finished washing the dishes, mindlessly dried his hands using his sweatpants and was slowly but surely getting annoyed with his friend's remarks on how he'd enjoyed the time with Johnny.

Jungwoo sat at the other end of the bed, looked for his charging phone hidden somewhere beneath the blankets.

Since they were bros though, Lucas swiftly kicked him off the mattress. In response, the older rolled his eyes and opened the closet to get the extra blankets to build himself a makeshift bed on the floor.

 

Being friends with Lucas was much more awkward than Jungwoo could've imagined. How was he supposed to know that the new concept of friendship in the giant's head came with lots of "ok, man"s, "cool, bro"s and the act of avoiding any kind of physical contact. At first, Jungwoo had thought he was imagining things, but throughout the first night spent with his roommate after the cursed six days, it dawned upon him that their newfound broship was the reason Lucas jumped every time Jungwoo touched him.

A series of unfortunate broish events happened when Jungwoo entered the bathroom while Lucas was brushing his teeth. First, the tall boy jerked away as their elbows touched: The two were getting ready for bed in front of the bathroom mirror as they'd done countless times before, yet the second Jungwoo's arm brushed against Lucas' the boy jumped as if bitten by a wild animal.

Then, Lucas more or less ran away from Jungwoo: Once the older of the two had put his hair up with a pink hairband and had finished applying moisturizer, he'd turned to Lucas who'd just washed his face. Not really giving it any thought, Jungwoo had reached out to touch the brown hair he'd run his fingers through so many times before, yet Lucas jumped away saying something about how he had wax in his hair. "Okay," muttered the crimson-cheeked boy flabbergasted. "It looks nice. That's it." His friend left the bathroom making a low alien sound Jungwoo couldn't interpret.

 

"I repeat," began Jungwoo, straightening the blanket on the floor, "If you don't like this," he gestured around the room with his eyes glued to the ground, "don't feel forced to-"

He was interrupted before he could end the sentence. "Johnny might have a TV but he doesn't have a cute Snoopy."

Jungwoo's heart dropped to his knees.  _Was he talking about..._

Lucas held up the plushie - which Jungwoo started to seriously dislike - and said, "I'll keep Snoopy, you take your pillow." He reached underneath the blanket, looked for the one pillow Jungwoo always slept on as his eyes suddenly widened.

"Wait. Is that... my shirt?" Absolutely shocked, Lucas raised the pillow in the air the same way Rafiki held up baby Simba in the  _Lion King_. "Is this my shirt?!"

There it was, the fucking shirt, still pulled over the pillow's covers. Jungwoo's soul left his body. "No. Yes. My pillow cover was dirty. Your shirt was clean. Give it back."

The pillow was thrown at him like a bomb about to explode. Awkward silence ensued, one that carried 'I know you're lying' in every particle. Then the boy burying his face in the tummy of the plush dog mockingly reprimanded his older friend. "That was really un-broish of you. One  _could've_  thought you did that on purpose. Unbelievable."

Jungwoo turned off the light and thus hid his burning cheeks from his roommates gaze. "Shut up and sleep, please." Did his body temperature increase or was it an extremely hot night? He contemplated getting up again to open the window when Lucas said, "Goodnight, Snoopy. Sweet dreams."

If he had replied, the other boy would've heard his voice breaking, would've heard the happiness, the bottomless joy that had infected his entire body since Lucas had stepped into the flat again. So of course, Jungwoo didn't speak.

He waited for Lucas to fall asleep, then he listened to the sound of his breathing. As if it was a lullaby, the soft background noise guided him into the sweetest dreams he'd had in a while.

 

* * *

 

 

Jungwoo and Lucas fell back into their daily routines together like matching puzzle pieces - well, the only difference being a ridiculous 50-centimeter gap between their every interaction. Jungwoo perfected his sandwich making skills so he could make Lucas his favorite sandwich before he went to the gym, but he sat across the room while he watched the handsome boy eat. An adorable Lucas insisted on carrying the groceries by himself and asked for nothing in return except childhood stories from Jungwoo's past (and a good, spacious 50-centimeter gap, because, God forbid, their arms touched). Late night Netflix sessions were filled with cartoons, bickering and laughter - and three huge pillows between the two boys, serving as a tiny wall built in the middle of the bed. From Monday to Thursday, every evening was spent busy studying and revising (and keeping distance between their bodies and their stationery for safety reasons). 

Although it was weird to have Lucas, one who used to be very touchy and keen on PDA, behave so careful and hesitant over his every touch, the older was thankful that they truly worked on building a solid friendship. The calmness that had come with their 'new' friendship was soothing, something both had needed after all the drama. That Jungwoo fell asleep every night craving the rough fingertips against his skin and the large hands manhandling him onto the thick thighs was something he surely wouldn't admit. No, he was content with his  _bro_ being back home. 

It was Friday morning when their so far successful attempt at being friends was shattered. That morning Jungwoo stumbled into a scene that made his jaw drop and a tiny green eyed monster climb up his shoulders.

Jungwoo woke up half an hour before his alarm made a sound because Lucas' alarm was already blasting music. Eyebrows furrowed he looked up at his roommate questioningly. His friend turned the sound off and mumbled something in his deepest morning voice about how he had to go to class earlier to meet someone and how they'd see each other there. Before Jungwoo was awake enough to bombard him with questions he was gone.

And now Lucas was sitting at his usual spot in the middle of the classroom. Which wouldn't have been unusual at all. If there wasn't a girl seated on his lap. In public. Right there.

It was the curly haired one Jungwoo had noticed around Lucas multiple times before. She seemed to be glued to Lucas, never leaving his side and always laughing too loudly at everything he said. Like an insect attracted to light, she always seemed to find her way back to him.

So when Jungwoo entered the room, he stopped at the door and pretended to look at his phone to gain time to secretly observe the corny image in front of him. Apparently, the girl's friend had taken her seat next to Lucas' and the poor soul had no other option but to be glued to the fucking thighs that weren't hers to sit on. For a moment the boy still standing next to the door considered dragging her off Lucas' lap by her hair, yet he reminded himself that he had absolutely no right to feel anything but happiness for his _bro_. They were just that after all. Bros.

He silently joined Mark in the last row, avoided looking over at the banshee and the demon in the meanwhile.

"Morning, Zeus!" greeted Mark cheerfully.

Jungwoo gave him a soulless glare and threw his notebook on the desk.

"Okay, I guess you've spotted Lucas." Mark leaned back in his seat, continued copying the notes from his laptop's screen into his Notebook. His expression said 'It's too early for your drama' and honestly, he was right.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Sure." 

Jungwoo turned until he was facing Mark only and not the person releasing banshee-like laughs in the front.

His friend was carrying heavy under eye circles which told tales about him and Donghyuck staying up all night to do some dumb shit. The tired eyes narrowed, then the boy's expression changed.

"What the fuck," laughed Mark behind a fist covering his mouth. "He's doing that on purpose, Zeus. I swear, he looked back to check if you're looking like three times."

"No, Mark." Jungwoo forced himself to a smile, yet he was sure it was more of a grimace. "We're bros now.  _Bros_. We wouldn't do that kinda stuff. We are supportive. Just dudes being friends." He sounded like he'd inhaled helium in the bathroom stall before class. 

Even though he told himself not to do it, he did glance over to see what Lucas was doing. He was, to Jungwoo's surprise, actually looking back at him. Their eyes locked. The boy placed his hands on the girl's hips in a motion, that Jungwoo had experienced on his own body not too long ago. His mouth parted in surprise and a scoff left his lips involuntarily. Lucas gifted him with a smirk, almost as cringey as it was hot, and raised his oversized hand to a tiny wave as if he hadn't noticed Jungwoo walking into the room mere minutes ago.

Yes, Lucas was obviously teasing him.

When the prof started the lesson the girl whined, but, at last, left Lucas to finally move to her own seat. Her own damn seat was only one away from Lucas'.  _Great._

For the next 20 minutes she kept turning around to look at Lucas, kept sending him little messages on paper and tried continuously to make eye contact with him. 

After another 10 minutes, Jungwoo couldn't take it anymore and pulled his phone out his pocket.

 

@Lucas 10:12am bro :))))!!!!! how about u move in with her?

@Jungwoo 10:12am what???

@Lucas 10:13am Im saying shes cute :) maybe u could get her number!!!!

@Jungwoo 10:14am I already have her number… but thanks?

@Lucas 10:14am ok bro.

@Jungwoo 10:15am haha

@Lucas 10:15am .

@Jungwoo 10:15am did u just sent me a "."

@Lucas 10:15am .

@Jungwoo 10:16am what??

Jungwoo didn't answer. When Lucas turned around to subtly check on him, he demonstratively put his phone in his pocket, chin held up high. The demon sitting three rows away from him gave him a head cocked to the side and a 'What's wrong?'-look. But Jungwoo could see through the fake layer of innocence Lucas had put on. He had done what he'd done on purpose.

After that, Jungwoo proceeded to ignore the boy sitting close to the curly haired girl for the rest of the lesson and after class he made sure to be the first to leave the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all, I just realized Supernova has for some reason reached 10k hits and I'm ???? very surprised?? Tbh, when I started writing this story I had never written anything like this before and I told my friend that if I get 30 ppl to read my Luwoo dump I'd already be more than happy LMAO. So, thank you so so so much for still reading this fic, commenting, giving kudos + feedback and please know that it's you guys that make me wanna write more <3


	25. Chapter 25

@Jungwoo 2:02pm **meet me for lunch snoopsnoop**  
@Lucas 02:08pm **I'm already eating with Doyoung**  
@Jungwoo 02:09pm **:(**  
@Lucas 02:15pm **wanna join?**  
@Jungwoo 01:15pm **yeah where are u?**

  
He sent him the location. Lucas replied with two thumbs up.

"Okay, change of plans. Lucas will be here any minute," warned Jungwoo his friend.

"That's great!" The overenthusiastic smile appearing on Doyoung's face suggested that he was already scheming something really bad. Well, bad for Jungwoo at least. He pushed his empty plate aside. With his cutest bunny smile, he snickered, "Tell him to hurry up!"

Jungwoo put his juice box down. "Okay, stop. Since when are you so keen on meeting Lucas?"

"Since you two losers awkwardly sneak glances at each other and he ends every sentence with 'Sn- Jung- Bro'. Seeing you like that is what keeps me alive." It was disturbing how accurately he copied Lucas stumbling over his own words. "You've chosen to ignore all my advice. Guess, I might as well enjoy the mess you two lovebirds create."

Cutting his extremely large sandwich into bite-size pieces, Jungwoo looked up with a frown. "We are not lovebirds. And you have no heart."

"At least I have a brain."

They'd just finished discussing the morning's events and Doyoung might've facepalmed a dozen times while his friend explained what had happened. He'd been very vocal about his opinion on their attempt to be good friends now. To put it nicely: he wasn't impressed. Jungwoo, on the other hand, had been convinced that it was a foolproof plan - until he almost combusted of jealousy that morning. 

He'd begun overthinking the whole thing obsessively: What if Lucas had used the time apart to get over whatever he'd implied he was feeling - or had once felt - and was now ready to meet other people? Or had he come to the conclusion that all he truly wanted was this damn broship? Had Jungwoo dug this relationship's grave all by himself? That wasn't what he had intended. But what was he basing all this on? A girl sitting on his lap? Once again, he was caught in the cycle of jumping to conclusions driven by the belief that he wasn't enough - interesting enough, fun enough, pretty enough or whatever suited his argument that day - and that he was the sole reason everyone would leave sooner or later. Lucas included.

"What's up, guys!" Lucas lifted the two backpacks on the chair next to Doyoung and - after a moment's hesitation - threw them on the empty chair next to Jungwoo. He dropped down on the now cleared seat and earned an annoyed look from his roommate; a look that said 'Is this how bad you don't wanna sit next to me?'. An innocent smile was the answer.

"This place is nice. What's it called again? Kai's?"

"Tai's," corrected the black-haired boy and put a hand on Lucas' shoulder. "How have you been?" Narrowing his eyebrows in thought, he added, "I temporarily moved back in with Jungwoo last week - Yuta got on my nerves, it was so bad - anyway, you weren't there! And this boy-" he affectionately ruffled Jungwoo's hair, "refused to tell me where you'd gone! Can you believe?"

That was a lie. Doyoung had not stayed with his friend. But, it was a well-planned lie that caused Lucas to stammer, "I had- had stuff to do."

Jungwoo knew where this was going before Doyoung opened his mouth again. Trying to stop his best friend from continuing whatever he'd schemed in that evil bunny mastermind of his, he pushed his plate with the sandwich pieces towards Lucas.

"Eat," he suggested in a very demanding voice and with eyes that screamed 'Just do what I say, please'.

Carefully, slowly, Lucas took one of the pieces. He inspected it with a concerned expression before putting the bread between his plump lips. Even after he'd swallowed he looked like he was holding his breath. When nothing happened he relaxed visibly.

"But you just said you're still hungry!" exclaimed Doyoung. That too was a lie. "Open your mouth," he commanded with a deadly look in his eyes. Overwhelmed, Jungwoo did as told and regretted it that instant. Lucas was staring at him with an indecipherable expression. Indecipherable, but clearly not amused. Then the boy turned around, eyes busy scanning the menu above the barista. "Maybe, I'll just get coffee," mumbled he to himself, staring hard at the options. "'Lost my appetite."

Doyoung shoved another piece of sandwich into Jungwoo's mouth, with such force that the boy nearly fell backward, and Jungwoo prayed that his roommate was too distracted to see his not-so-cute act of balancing his weight on the chair to not end face down and his even less cute coughing fit.

But when Lucas narrowed his eyes at Doyoung he was proven wrong. "Don't hurt him."

_Don't hurt him._ If Jungwoo hadn't been struggling to breathe already he would've now. The words ignited something in him. The treacherous familiar warmth crawled up his cheeks again and the sentence echoed through his mind. Was he easily impressed or was that... _actually kinda hot_?

Doyoung, never losing his composure, took a sip from his water and continued as if nothing had happened - as if Jungwoo wasn't currently choking on bread and cheese because of him.

"Lucas," coughed the one with scarlet cheeks, washing down the food with juice. "When will you be home later?"

"Seven. Why? Are you missing me already, bro?"

Everyone collectively ignored the last sentence.

"I was thinking about what to make for dinner. Pasta or curry? You decide."

Lucas smile could've competed in width with the Joker's. "Pasta, if you add shrimps like you did last time."

"Shrimps..." repeated Jungwoo, contemplative. "But I'd have to go all the way to the supermarket. 20 minutes. And it's cold today-" Lucas' Joker-smile slowly died as his roommate spoke. The second his smile disappeared the protest stopped. "Okay, okay. I will go. In the cold. For you. Maybe, it'll even rain. I hope you appreciate it."

Doyoung made a noise that sounded like he was ready to part with his lunch.

Were they cheesy? Rarely. Okay, maybe sometimes. But Jungwoo was sure his best friend was exaggerating as his eyes rolled back so hard he looked like he was in need of an exorcism. When he felt a hard kick against his knee Doyoung stopped looking possessed. Pain spread over the bunny face. The words he mouthed at his friend were not kind.

An oblivious Lucas on the other side gave his roommate another sweet smile. "I'll get you cookies on the way home."

"If you get the caramel ones I'll watch Rocky with you. _Again_."

At last, Doyoung couldn't hold it in anymore. "And I'll leave now! I feel like you two have a lot to talk about." Getting up, he finished his peppermint tea and added, "I'll see you later, Jungwoo." Right before he left he stopped in his tracks, and, as if only now remembering, turned around to his friend, whispered, "If you two don't stop this shit I'm gonna end it for you." His voice was equal parts concerned and frustrated.

Jungwoo forced out a laugh and gently pushed him away. "Yes, I've finished the paper! Thank you for asking!"

Doyoung shook his head slowly, yet left without another comment.

"Is he okay?" asked Lucas, eyes following Doyoung until his body disappeared behind the glass door. Now confident that the sandwich wasn't poisonous he took another piece.  
The hoodie of his red jacket fell back, revealing short hair and big ears. His short hair was still something that made Jungwoo stop and stare. Sometimes he wanted to reach out and touch it in the weirdest of moments - like this very moment - but he knew he'd be met with rejection.

"Nevermind him. He hasn't been okay since kindergarten." Jungwoo crossed his arms in front of his chest. "But tell me, what was so important that you had to leave early this morning. And," he smiled cheerfully, "Who was the beauty abusing you as a human chair this morning, my pal?"

Visibly uncomfortable, Lucas shifted in his seat. "I met with a friend. Lia. She's in our class. The one you saw this morning." He tried to take another piece of bread but was stopped as Jungwoo pulled the plate away. "Ah, cool. And how close exactly are you?"

"Not really close. We had to do a presentation together last semester. We met a few times to study and stuff. Why are you asking?"

Jungwoo busied himself with his nails, examined them with great interest. "Just wondering. You looked quite close."

"Not really," shrugged Lucas. Voice too calm, he added, "I mean she's not the one _feeding me_ in public."

Both stared at each other wordlessly. The statement hit Jungwoo like a punch, yet felt like an embrace. He didn't tell Lucas what he was thinking - that there clearly was a huge difference between Lia and Doyoung - for, as pathetic as it was, right now he liked the idea of not being the only one attacked by the green-eyed monster.

Fingers tapping on the wooden table, he grimaced. "I bet she'd love to feed you, don't worry. Try asking her, I bet she won't refuse."

He knew how horribly jealous he sounded, although his tone was soft and his smile unchangingly glued on his face. It wasn't that he couldn't help it, it was just... that he absolutely couldn't help it. 

Lucas asking, "No, but for real, man. Why did you ask? Would it annoy you or something?" poured more gasoline into the fire in his stomach.

"Of course not. I'm just not that into PDA. Kinda gross to be all over each other like that in public."

"Weird. You never seemed to mind when I touched you in public."

For the second time that day Jungwoo thought he was going to suffocate. He scoffed, feigned calmness while contemplating running through the door before Lucas could say anything else. He convinced himself that running away was not a smart choice, yet the emergency exit sure looked tempting.

"That was different." He crammed his phone into his jacket's pocket and his notebook into his bag. "14 minutes till class. I should go. I have to revise before the lesson."

"Wait," Lucas finished Jungwoo's sandwich leftovers, shoved them all into his mouth at once. "I'll walk you there. And give me your flashcards, I'll quiz you."

Patiently, Jungwoo waited for his friend to get up and to walk aside him with a safety distance of 20 centimeters.

 

* * *

 

"Jaehyun! Hey! Jaehyun!" He ran until he caught up with him, then put his arm on the other's back and tried to catch his breath. He coughed like he was about to suffer from an asthma attack. Once again, he told himself he'd definitely start going to the gym with Lucas.

"Jungwoo!" Jaehyun took his earphones out, embraced him with one arm. "It's been how long? Two weeks? I missed you."

"Three," coughed his friend in reply. They took a few steps to the less crowded side of the hallway to avoid being hit by the stream of people running towards the door.

"I'm sorry, I haven't had the time to call you back. I'm the worst friend on this planet. Which reminds me... I've heard you've replaced me with a new guy. Tall, big ears, talks very loud."

The words caught Jungwoo by surprise. He didn't expect Jaehyun to have heard anything about him and Lucas. Not that there had been anything to talk about.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. There's only been one guy willing to reenact Titanic scenes with me at 2a.m. and he's standing right in front of me."

Jaehyun's lips turned into a beautiful smile, one that made dimples appear on bright skin. "You made an amazing Rose, we figured that out that night."

Nostalgia for something that hadn't even happened in a past far enough to be considered distant washed over Jungwoo. He'd barely seen Jaehyun lately. He'd only met Taeyong during his fights with Doyoung and that couldn't be considered seeing each other.

There'd been so many days spent with Mark, Donghyuck and the others, days now turned into memories of a time much easier. Maybe he'd known it for a while and had suppressed the thought, but that moment it hit him: They were already growing apart and they hadn't even graduated yet. 

His friend checked his phone's screen, swiped away multiple notifications. "Are you free now? We could grab something to eat. Catch up. We could get Chinese."

The boy's mind wandered to his roommate whom he'd promised dinner. Sneakily, the appearance of the dimples and the soft "I missed you," convinced him to indeed do some catching up with his friend.

"Sure."

  
@Lucas 04:47pm **can't make dinner tonight, don't starve ♡**

  
Grabbing something to eat turned into sitting in the least crowded corner of their favorite Chinese restaurant, reminiscing about old times.

They brought back the story of how Donghyuck pranked Mark, made him brush his teeth with mayonnaise three times until Mark stopped using their shared toothpaste and always carried his own in his pocket. The boys laughed about how Doyoung once got thrown out of class because he insisted on how the prof's argument structure was inherently flawed. And Jungwoo realized it wasn't only him who'd been barely talking to the others lately, Jaehyun too was caught up in auditions, assignments and memorizing scripts. For some reason that soothed Jungwoo.

As they ordered their second cup of coffee the hazelnut-haired one remembered the giant who probably was home by now. Hoping he wasn't starving to death, he tried to message him to eat something - in case he hadn't seen the first message-, yet the unresponsive pitch black screen of his phone refused to light up. 

Battery dead. 

The thought of Lucas sitting on the bed alone made his heartache. The thought of the boy sitting there all alone, pouting at the loneliness and absence of Jungwoo (and pasta) made his heart ache even worse. Guilt-ridden, he sighed, "I should go home. I still have some assignments to take care of."

Jaehyun nodded, dark blond hair bouncing along with the movement. He ran his fingers through his hair twice, a habit he'd never get rid of, and inhaled slowly, really, really slowly, in a suspicious 'I have something to talk about' kind of way.

"Oh, no. What's wrong?"

Was this about an audition gone wrong? Did he get scammed? Or was this about Taeyong and _\- oh my God, if he and Taeyong -_

"There's something I want to tell you." He turned his head sideways to avoid looking at Jungwoo. "I can't believe I'm shaking, what the hell." He rubbed his arms as if that'd be of any help. "I have only told Taeyong so far and I wanted you and Doyoung to be next." He spoke in a way that was untypical for him, too fast, too high, too out of breath. "If I tell you, promise me you won't... treat me any different?"

Jungwoo's body was frozen and his eyes large, yet he managed a single nod. Anxiety kicked in with vigor.

_Did he and Taeyong-_

"I'm asexual."

Jungwoo opened his mouth but didn't say anything. He stared at the half-empty coffee cup in front of him, stared at the red fabric covering the seats of the wooden chairs. He tried to remember all he knew about asexuality and realized it was close to nothing.

"Thank you for telling me," he said slowly. "Really. I can imagine that it must be hard."

Jaehyun gifted him with the view of his dimples. "I'm kinda glad I said it out loud. See, I thought about never telling anyone. I could be single my entire life and no one would know. It's just-" He played with the spoon, looked into the distance. "Sometimes when I'm with people and they start talking and asking questions and it turns into this weird who's done what already thing... It's hard. And I know you guys would never do that if you knew I'm-" He didn't say it. Instead, he hid his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry if we were idiots. I'm pretty sure we've said a lot of shit in the past. If I ever made you feel uncomfortable by asking dumb stuff I apologize, Jae. I know I can't change the past, but I can promise you it won't happen ever again."

His friend ran his fingers through his hair twice, then said, "I thought something is wrong with me. That I might be broken somewhere down there. I got my hormones checked, got told I might be low on testosterone. I changed my diet, took every kind of vitamin I could get but then I found this article on it and I was blown away. Things started making sense. You know when you feel something and you don't have the word for it until someone else talks about it and puts it into words for you and suddenly you're like 'fuck that's me?'. I figured out I'm not the only human being on this planet who'd rather eat a bowl of nails than to sleep with someone."

"There's nothing wrong with you. Don't think what you feel isn't valid, just 'cause it's not how the majority of the world feels, Jae." The hazelnut-haired one worked through all his brain entries related to the word asexual. "Can I ask you something though?" he asked in a quiet voice, "If it's dumb, I'm sorry - But... You had girlfriends though right? Like...", he broke off waited for his friend to understand what he was hinting at.

"Yes, and the thought of having to have sex with them made me end every relationship as soon as it got serious. Which doesn't mean I didn't really like them. It's just the whole sex thing... I can't do it."

Jungwoo reached out to hold his friend's hand over the table. "And that's absolutely fine, Jaehyun. Don't pressure yourself to anything. You're perfect the way you are." He couldn't help the tears forming in his eyes. How hard it must've been for his friend to talk about it, to embrace it, to not keep it hidden inside his chest forever - and how much harder the future might be on him. "Thank you for opening up. You know I love you, right? And I really, really appreciate that you told me."

Jaehyun pressed his hand in reply. "Still feels weird to have said it out loud. Like my tongue doesn't like it."

"And I bet Mark's tongue didn't like the mayonnaise toothpaste. You know, maybe we should pull that prank on him again. Donghyuck would appreciate us carrying on his legacy."

An angelic smile, a cup of tea and three embarrassing stories later the world seemed to have gotten a little more colorful. 

 

* * *

 

 

Lucas jumped up the second Jungwoo unlocked the door. "Where have you been? You were supposed to be home hours ago!"

"I see, saying 'Hello' is overrated now." Jungwoo took off his shoes and threw his backpack into the corner of the room where his desk was, ignoring the boy blocking his way. "I know, I know. I ran into Jaehyun. We talked and-" Lucas' expression darkened with every word. "Don't be mad, please. I lost track of time. I wanted to message you but my phone died."

"Why didn't you take your charger? Your power bank? You could've taken mine." Like a puppy who'd been left alone for too long, Lucas followed the boy's every step. Glued to him like a second shadow, he walked closely behind Jungwoo as he opened the fridge and drank water straight from the bottle. Jungwoo held out the bottle for Lucas to drink from. They had had a discussion on how much water the body needed daily and Jungwoo had been worrying about his friend's massive lack of water intake ever since. Lucas refused.

"Don't be like this. It's not even 9 yet. I wasn't kidnapped; I met a friend." He was too exhausted for this, all he wanted was to crawl under a blanket and watch something distracting.

"And how was I supposed to know? You didn't answer my messages."

The smaller closed the fridge with a smash. "Okay, mom. I get it. I told you I'm sorry."

"Dad," corrected Lucas sarcastically, leaning against the fridge. His eyes didn't leave Jungwoo for a second.

"Okay, daddy," shot Jungwoo back with a straight face and a vexed tone. He didn't have to look at his friend to know that he was flustered. 

Why was he making such a big deal out of nothing? He'd spent more evenings with Lucas than he had with anyone else besides Doyoung. He'd barely been seeing his friends the last weeks; every day was filled with assignments, classes and trying to get his life together. Tonight had been nice, yet now he felt guilty. Plus, it wasn't as if Jungwoo had signed a contract when he promised to make dinner. 

Nonetheless, upon seeing Lucas' half-pouting mouth he softened. He'd have pulled him into a hug if they weren't allergic to each other for the time being. 

A peace treaty followed in the form of Jungwoo asking, "Have you eaten?"

"Instant Noodles."

The older rolled his eyes. "Thank God, you didn't starve."

Lucas sat on the bed again, placing his laptop on his legs. He played a video and all that filled the room was "then you turn right after you kill the aliens".

This was what Jungwoo hated: the uncomfortable silence after a discussion with the unspoken arguments still hanging in the air. He'd rarely ever experienced this with Lucas since both of them usually communicated all their thoughts. _Usually_. Something was wrong.

The clothes Jungwoo looked for were laying in a pile on the ground where he'd forgotten them in the rush of the morning. He grabbed them and walked into the bathroom. "How was your day, Lucas?"

"Fucking endless."

It didn't take a genius to figure out that his roommate wasn't in a good mood.

Jungwoo changed into sweatpants and an old brown shirt before returning to the boy still watching YouTube videos. He threw him a can of coke and a bag of jellybeans from the shelf. Lucas put them on the nightstand, untouched.

"What's wrong?"

Breaching their unwritten contract and disrespecting the 20-centimeter gap, Jungwoo sat on the other end of the bed and rolled onto his stomach. This was the closest he'd physically been to Lucas in a week. Almost unnoticeably his friend inched away a little.

"Nothing. Today just felt endless. And I was excited for you- eating with you. Your shrimp pasta." He shrugged it off, yet still carried an upset expression. An expression, which although dark, was adorable enough to make something inside Jungwoo's ribs feel on fire again. Or maybe he was getting sick and should get his insides checked.

"Lucaaaas," the smaller sang his name in his cutest voice, "I'll cook tomorrow, I promise. Don't be angry with me."

His friend glanced down at him for a split second. "I'm not angry." He closed his laptop, his attention wholly on Jungwoo. "What did you talk about with Jaehyun for so long?"

Making a thinking face, Jungwoo happily answered, "Life. We hadn't talked in such a long time. I missed him a lot. You know, we used to see each other daily. Well, for now, he's busy working his way through a million auditions, so I don't think we'll see each other again soon. But, yeah, he's doing well."

"Okay." Lucas put his Laptop on the nightstand. "Good for him." His voice sounded foreign. This wasn't like him. Nor were the plump lips forming a thin line.

Jungwoo sat up to be eye-level with him. His legs touched Lucas' and both pulled back as if bitten by something. "Can you please be a little less bitter? I told you I'm sorry I didn't message you."

The boy did his best to not look at his roommate. "And I told you: it's fine."

"You talked with your mom today, didn't you?"

Surprise appeared in round dark brown eyes, which finally met Jungwoo's. "How do you know?"

"Your face."

_And your number one coping mechanism is watching weird YouTube videos._

"Tell me, what did she say?" The older of the two inched closer, tried to tell his friend without words that he was there for him, that he'd be there for him no matter what.

Lucas' hands ran through his short hair again and again as if still expecting long strands to wrap around his fingers. "We're running in circles. Every conversation is the same: Come home and tell your dad it was all one big dumb mistake. I say: I don't think I can do that. She starts crying and asks me if she's done something wrong for me to be this way. I tell her it's not her fault. She eventually stops crying and tells me that all I have to do is to say it was a mistake. That's it."

Jungwoo made a deep _hmm-_ sound as his fingers intertwined with Lucas'. "What if we go talk with your dad?"

Did Lucas freeze so suddenly because of the fingers around his or because of the words Jungwoo had spoken? Anyhow, he did not pull back this time.

"We? As in both of us?"

"Of course."

A sad smile, thumb grazing knuckles. "I wouldn't want my dad to kick you out too."

A shrug, a head resting on wide shoulders. "I wouldn't care if you were with me."

With Jungwoo's words, the gap between them disappeared as Lucas' arms found their way around the smaller's torso and his hands locked around his waist. All the effort they'd put into staying away from each other, into keeping distance and being platonic friends was made useless.

There are moments in life which aren't made to be tainted with words. Moments during which words are substituted by the soft sound of calm breaths, the feeling of limbs intertwined, the sensation of sharing body warmth and getting lost in someone's eyes. Jungwoo hadn't experienced many of these moments, yet he knew this was it.

He moved his head away from Lucas' shoulder, leaned instead against his chest with his ear close to the boy's heart.

"Wait." Lucas slid down further, shifting into a more comfortable position. His right hand resting on Jungwoo's back, he used the other to play with the too-long hazelnut colored hair falling on his chest.

"I have a question," said the younger in his deepest voice. "Where did Doyoung sleep when he stayed here?"

Jungwoo fell into laughter alone as his friend bit his lower lip confused. "He didn't sleep here, Lucas. He was making fun of- He was joking. That's his idea of a joke."

"You can tell him it wasn't funny." His tone was serious but his expression was much brighter now.

Placing a hand between his chin and Lucas' chest, Jungwoo looked up at him, face dark red before he even spoke. "I have a question for you too. There's something I've been wanting to know for a long time," he paused, "If this is the weirdest thing I've ever said, I'm sorry. But I've been thinking about it for a while and I wanna ask you - Did we fall asleep together? I mean on this bed. A few weeks ago." Lucas looked around the room in a way that answered Jungwoo's question before he finished asking. "I thought it'd been a dream, but- I don't know? You weren't there - next to me - when I woke up. And you acted like it didn't happen."

The heart inside the chest pressed against Jungwoo's palm was beating faster. That he was close enough to another person to feel their heartbeat would've freaked Jungwoo out in any other circumstance. But, with Lucas underneath him, he pulled his hand away, thus removing the last wall between him and the fast beat.

"I thought you might - You were all about Kun and I didn't want you to think you'd done something weird. Or to put some kinda pressure on you. So, I -" he put on a crooked smile. "Yeah, that happened. I didn't want you to freak out because you do tend to be a little overdramatic sometimes. Nothing happened, though. I mean- That night."

"First of all, I'm never overdramatic and second, you could've told me. It wouldn't have made things weird between us. I'd have been fine."

"Really? You think you'd have been all like 'Oh, this is cool' and that's it? You wouldn't have - I don't know maybe closed up, built eight walls around yourself and maybe kicked me out too while you were at it? You really wanna tell me you'd have been _alright_ with sharing a bed?" asked Lucas mockingly.

"No one ever said friends can't sleep in the same bed." With courage he didn't know he had, he pushed further, "You wanna share the bed tonight? As friends." Jungwoo looked up at him with regret filling up every inch of his body. What was he thinking? His heart was racing and he was pretty sure Lucas could feel it. Or if he couldn't feel that, he certainly was experiencing the rise and fall of Jungwoo's chest.

Unexpectedly, his friend smirked his equally over-the-top and irresistible 'I could make you my bitch' smile, earning him a disgusted groan immediately. Well, the smirk wasn't half as bad as the words Lucas confidently uttered right after. "Only if you call me bro five times."

Jungwoo got up to leave the embrace, and the bed, but was pulled back into strong arms immediately. Wriggling uselessly, he laughed, "You're so fucking weird sometimes."

His friend opened his arms wide, made it possible for him to leave if he wanted to. "Have fun sleeping on the floor, my dude."

With another groan, hazelnut colored hair fell back on a muscular chest. Jungwoo couldn't stop laughing. "Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro." He shook his head. "I feel like I just summoned Bloody Mary. I hate you so much. If this is a nasty kink-" Lucas interrupted him by putting both arms around him and pulling him into a hug as if he was the small Snoopy plushie always between his limbs. 

However, Jungwoo was very much alive and did indeed need some air from time to time. "You're suffocating me." He wriggled his way to freedom - and air - then looked at the beautiful face inches away from his. He could easily count Lucas' eyelashes from this angle.

_How many times can you look at the same face and still be in awe?_

"Can you promise me something?"

Instantly, Lucas replied, "Everything."

For some reason, which he couldn't explain, Jungwoo wished he'd taken longer to reply.

"Cheesy, but okay," said Jungwoo, pulling his friend's arms tighter around his body and softly forcing Lucas' legs open to fit his between them.

He'd have never thought that a simple hug could make him feel so safe. Jungwoo's body was a puzzle piece that magically fit into another person's puzzle perfectly: Lucas' arms. As a kid, he'd always wondered if people could sit on clouds and then he'd spent hours imagining the softness, the fluffiness you'd experience sitting on a ball made of whatever tiny Jungwoo thought clouds were made of. But, even his childhood cloud dreams couldn't beat this.

"Promise me you'll come back every time you leave."

This time, Lucas took his time thinking about the words, then mumbled, "Explain?"

"Not to be ... clingy? But- Whenever you leave, come back, please. I mean it'd be nice if you'd never leave, but if you do come back, okay? That's what I'm really fucking scared of. You leaving. I mean people leaving. You know as people do, but - Just don't leave? Like, not for all eternity, 'cause that'd be dumb to promise, but you know - Just for now, don't leave. Promise?"

"I promise."

Jungwoo believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVES!!! And if u don't celebrate Christmas I hope u live in a country that does so u still get Christmas break :D I hope u'll all have a lovely time ~ 
> 
> Also, I know that this time of the year can be very very hard (from shitty relatives to exams to new years existential crisis, we getting the full deal) but I hope u'll manage to make the best of it ♡ Things will calm down again soon & I know you can do it ((do it for luwoo-)
> 
> Aaand as always thank u for reading this ♡


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first part of the chap contains kinda ... heavy sexual themes (no actual smut tho) so if ur not comfy with that pls skip to where u can see "♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡"
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAR!! ♡

Jungwoo woke up first. He woke up with the taste of peppermint still lingering in his mouth - he had brushed his teeth twice and used mouthwash four times in fear of having morning breath - and arms heavy around his waist. At once he realized peppermint flavor overdose and Lucas chest pressed against his back weren't the only things he'd woken up with. He was rock hard. 

_Fuck._

He turned around, looked at the beautiful sleeping face behind him. Eyelids with naturally curved eyelashes were peacefully shut, lips the tiniest bit apart. Sunlight was forcing itself through the curtains but it wasn't doing a good job.

It was 9:47 in the morning. Lucas' alarm was set for 10 a.m.

Waiting for it go away would be too risky. He had 13 minutes to disappear, take care of this and come back without Lucas noticing. Well, what if Lucas woke up because of Jungwoo moving? He contemplated all his options while his eyes were glued to the sleeping face. He came to the conclusion that he had to risk it.

The boy lifted the blanket in slow-motion and shot a few wishful words at the ceiling, hoping that someone out there would decide to show some mercy.

_Don't wake up, don't wake up, don't wake-_

Lucas didn't wake up. He didn't wake up when Jungwoo's bare feet touched the floor and he didn't wake when the bathroom door shut quietly.

Jungwoo managed to take care of it in less than the calculated 13 minutes thanks to the experience of a certain boy's body pressed against his still fresh in his mind. The sensation of Lucas' breath against his ear, the low sounds he made in his sleep, the long legs intertwined with his and the scent only he could offer; that was enough to drive Jungwoo over the edge with ease. 

He focused on memories - memories of divine soft lips against his, the taste of the tongue he'd been craving to suck, the hands cupping his face - and combined them with a night full of sleepy cuddles and nearly inaudible whispers carrying honey-coated words which were uttered between sleep-drunk giggles until both left one dream to enter another. 

The fact that Lucas would still be there, fast asleep, when he got out of the bathroom, ready to embrace him again, made Jungwoo hurry more. 

He washed his hands and face, used mouthwash twice and went back to the sleeping one. 

"Jungwoo?" whispered a deep morning voice, "You okay? You were in there forever."

Having a roommate includes learning not to ask about prolonged bathroom stays, no matter how weird they might appear to be. So, when Jungwoo nodded curtly and waited for Lucas to open his arms, the younger didn't ask any further. 

And, as  _just friends_  frequently do, Lucas snuggled up to Jungwoo, hands locking in front of the smaller's chest. With his nose buried in the crooks of the boy's neck, he mumbled, "You smell good."

"Liar, I smell like sweat and death. I haven't showered yet." 

_Very casual, very unromantic._

Both knew too well what they were doing. They were playing with fire in a house made of matches. 

His friend, as if reading his twisted thoughts, breathed against his ear - definitely on purpose - and whispered, "Maybe I like how you smell in the morning."

A high shriek, goosebumps running over a prettily curved neck. "You're so gross," cried Jungwoo out. He pulled a disgusted face and moved away a little.

_Friends, friends, friends-_

Lucas' hands left his in the cold to instead wander to his waist, tickling him exactly where he knew the boy to be the most sensitive. Jungwoo wasn't shrieking anymore. He was screaming. He tried to escape, yet the fingers seemed to be everywhere under the blanket. 

"Stop, stop, stop!"

He stopped when Jungwoo was a panting mess. Laughing, he stated, "You're so sensitive, it's weird."

The hazelnut-haired one flipped him off. 

His friend managed to somehow inch a little closer, managed to press himself into the other's body even more. Jungwoo could feel Lucas' leg hair rubbing against his own uncovered skin and in a really weird 'I probably shouldn't even find this hot and I'll never admit this to anyone ever' kind of way he found himself holding his breath because of it. Plus, he could've sworn the legs around his tightened their hold with every second.

A while ago he'd figured out that Lucas had a tendency to be especially touchy in the morning but this - this took the cake. 

"What do you want to do now? Breakfast?" asked his friend with a tone that was too innocent to match his body language.

Jungwoo didn't say out loud that there were whole categories on websites not suited for kids which summarized what he'd love to do with the one pressed against his back. 

What was holding Jungwoo back from doing something which he'd probably regret once he wasn't drowning in Lucas anymore? The promise of what could come after this. He'd take every painful hard-on and countless nights filled with frustration and overused memories if they'd offer the slightest bit of hope for a tomorrow in which Lucas was still by his side.

"I'll go shower," he said decisively, yet his body wasn't moving.

In a tone too calm for his own words Lucas suggested, "We could shower together. Save the planet and stuff."

The smaller turned around to face him. "Why are you so funny today?"

Perhaps, the true underlying problems, resulting in all this, were issues rooted deeply in Jungwoo's unconsciousness, which were showing now through masochistic tactics. Because when Jungwoo's hard stare at Lucas turned into changing positions and foreheads touching, legs immediately intertwining again and giving each other's lips serious longing gazes, Jungwoo felt physical pain like someone was punching him repeatedly.

"Say something," demanded Jungwoo softly, partly to keep his own mouth busy and partly to hear the boy's sleep-drowned voice.

"Something," replied Lucas instantly, smiling.

The older considered smashing his head against his friend's to knock him unconscious. He decided against it though since losing brain cells before breakfast wasn't his goal.

"I hate you, bro." Eyes wandering over the face crafted by the Gods themselves, he added, "Did you sleep well?"

His  _bro_  made a grimace. "I couldn't feel my arm anymore after you fell asleep on it. I waited for you to move but you didn't for _a whole hour_. When you finally moved I fell asleep instantly though."

"You could've pushed me away, I wouldn't have woken up," said Jungwoo, knowing well that he would've woken up.

Lucas' smile told that he too knew that all too well and thus hadn't moved. He hesitated for a moment, then added. "I dreamed of you last night. In a non-creepy way."

"Tip for the future: saying 'in a non-creepy way' makes it creepy." The easily blushing boy was the one carrying a mischievous grin now. "What did we do in your dream?"

Lucas rolled away, throwing the shared blanket aside, exposing his friend to cold air and loneliness. "I'm not gonna tell you. I'll go take a shower."

Immediately, Jungwoo placed one leg over Lucas' hips, stopping him from moving. "Forget it. You're not leaving till you tell me."

With ease Lucas moved to the side, freeing himself from the extra weight. 

Jungwoo jumped on him - not in a cute or sexy way but with the grace of a starving vulture. "No, no, no! You're not going anywhere until you tell me!" He straddled him, hands holding the boy's shoulders down with all his strength. "Tell me!"

Lucas looked up wide-eyed. "It wasn't anything bad, calm down." Then a tiny smirk appeared in the corners of his lips. His expression changed into one more playful. "What are you doing, Snoopy? Do you like sitting on your friends?"

The older pinned the boy's wrists over his head in an attempt to stop him from moving, however, if he'd wanted to he could've resisted; Lucas was going along eagerly. Nonetheless, Jungwoo kept one hand around his wrist and placed the other on the toned chest underneath him. "If you don't tell me right now we won't be friends for much longer."

His friend tried getting out of the cage made of Jungwoo's legs - yet didn't put in much visible effort - and mumbled with a low voice. "Stop moving, you're hurting me."

"For your information: you snore really bad. I was up all night because of your dumb snoring." That was a lie. He'd fallen into the deepest slumber the second the blanket and the boy had embraced him.

"I'm not- I don't - What the fuck." Lucas looked genuinely embarrassed. Obviously, to annoy the other, he spoke, "You know what? Thinking about it, it wasn't you in my dream. It was someone way cuter." Then, in a low growl he added, "For fuck's sake, Jungwoo, I said stop fucking moving."

Jungwoo hadn't realized he'd been rocking back and forth, he'd been busy trying to keep the boy's body down.

_Oh._

He stopped moving his hips. He slid down the boy's legs till he was sitting on his thighs. He looked down.

 _Well, fuck_.

He swallowed, still staring. "I'll- I- Shower. First."

Before he closed the bathroom door, he caught a last glimpse of the embarrassed boy. He was face down, hiding his handsome features in the pillow, groaning quietly. Once again Jungwoo wished he could take a picture with his eyes and keep the photograph forever. 

 

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

* * *

  

**_Things Lucas and I are good at:_ **

  * _finding shows and movies which we both wanna watch and don't just pretend to like (superhero movies are the holy grail! He likes action stuff too but I prefer cute anime. And I couldn't finish Teen Wolf no matter how many times he tried to get me into it...)_
  * _eating a lot (self-explanatory)_
  * _distracting each other when one of us is down (sometimes I think he can read my mind especially when I think there's no way he can know something is wrong and then he does something really damn cute like buy my favorite candy or play my playlist when I come home and it's just... cute)_
  * _parenting Cas_
  * _splitting chores (he's surprisingly tidy and organized and always keeps his stuff neat)_
  * _doing stuff alone without being alone like studying or scrolling through Instagram or Twitter (sometimes he suddenly does things like pinch my cheeks or make me tea and it's really really nice knowing he's always there even though he's just there and not saying anything)_
  * _making food together (ngl we still rely on fast food and instant noodles most of the time)_
  * _sharing a room_
  * _proof-reading each_ _other's papers_
  * _falling asleep next to each other_
  * _creating playlists for each other_
  * _talking till the sun sets or one of us falls asleep_



 

**Things Lucas and I are bad at:**

  * _sharing a bed as friends_
  * _cuddling as friends_
  * ~~_being friends_~~
  * ~~_being friends_~~
  * ~~_being friends_~~
  * _being friends_



 

* * *

  

"Move.”

Jungwoo lifted his legs, waited for Lucas to sit and then let them fall over the other’s knees. 

"I'm writing," he announced with a ‘please, be quiet’ between the lines. Nibbling on the pen caught between his teeth and closing the notebook to hide the lines written while the other boy had taken a shower, he looked up to find his friend watching him.

Lucas’ leaned forward as if to peek into the notebook. "Can I see?" He smelled like Jungwoo’s favorite shampoo mixed with that unique Lucas-scent that wasn’t comparable to anything else on this planet.

"I'd rather die."

He'd spent the past 40 minutes which Lucas had supposedly showered - Jungwoo was pretty sure he was beating himself up in there over the incident - trying to comprehend the mess in his mind. Unfortunately, he hadn't reached a conclusion which he hadn't come to many times before. But, at least they'd both understood the time apart as an opportunity to pretend they hadn't almost fucked up right after waking up. 

Lucas moved back, defeated. "Thanks, now I'll forever think that notebook is filled with poems about me."

"Perhaps it is."

He leaned forward again, spreading the strawberry scent generously. "Not even one page?"

"Nope."

The boy stood up, blessed his roommate with an unhappy pouty face. "I always see you writing, but I never know what you're writing. What if you're keeping record of everything I've ever said?" He took a shirt out of the closet and changed in front of the mirror. Jungwoo looked away in protest. Well, he might have used his phone to glance at the boy in the screen’s reflection for a second, but his head was turned away.

"I wanna read your writing, Snoopy. I know how you talk, but writing is different. It's more... personal."

No matter how true the words spoken were, Jungwoo kept shaking his head. There was no way he was ever going to allow Lucas to see that side of him. Not when everything he hid from the world was caged in black ink between ivory colored pages.

"How about you write me something?" Once his friend was dressed, he planted himself on the mattress again. He was wearing a light blue shirt, black pants and Jungwoo’s socks. Tiny brown bears were printed on the white fabric. "A letter maybe?"

"Never."

"Never say never,” sang Lucas, offering his ridiculous copy of Justin Bieber's signature face. Jungwoo sighed in reply, his soul slowly leaving his body. "Don't make that face, Justcas.”

Smiles harmonized along with giggles. 

Lucas ruffled Jungwoo’s hair affectionately. "I'm gonna head out, okay? I'll babysit Chen till noon and later help Sicheng. When are you gonna meet up with Doyoung?" Jungwoo raised 4 fingers. "Have fun with your weird rabbit friend. Ah- Tonight at Johnny’s! You’ll be there, right?”

"I don’t think so.” The boy sitting with his knees pulled to his chest looked up with doe-eyes. "I'll stay home and work on my response paper."

His friend gave him an acknowledging nod. "Then I'll be home before midnight."

"You don't have to-"

"Text me!"

Before the door closed Jungwoo had texted him 'don't think I forgot btw I'm still waiting for u to tell me about ur dream'.

 

* * *

 

Doyoung’s eyes were large - larger and rounder than usual. "Did you do it?!"

"No."

"Jungwoo, I swear if you decided to sleep with that person I will not judge you. You can tell me. I will love you forever despite all your weaknesses."

The boy met with wrongful accusations, groaned, "' _That person_ '? If you don't stop-"

"I can't believe you two slept in  _one bed_  and you’re trying to convince me nothing happened. That's... so boring?"

The hazelnut-haired boy took a sip of his caramel-toffee coffee. The caramel taste was heavy and sweet in his mouth. "We shared a bed as friends. We didn't even touch."

"Friends," laughed Doyoung mockingly. "When will you suck-" he eyed the two young girls at the next table, "Brush your teeth together  _as friends_? Best friends exploring their dental health together - a Brazzers original."

Through gritted teeth, Jungwoo said, "Do me a favor and choke on your coffee."

The bunny gifted his friend a gummy smile and slid him a chocolate bar. He pulled out his phone and, eyebrows narrowing, stated, “Taeyong is calling.” 

“Answer?” suggested Jungwoo.

Doyoung put his phone back down and shrugged. “We'll see each other in an hour anyway. We can talk later."

He was back to keeping his distance and playing cold with Taeyong. Jungwoo had asked him about it twice, but the answer was always the same vague ‘I don’t wanna be all over him yet’. Jungwoo assumed this was a delayed reaction to Taeyong hurting him - a wave hitting the shore after the catastrophe had happened. He'd have to pay more attention to the two boys' behavior the next time they were in a room together. It was difficult figuring out how things were between them judging by a one-sided view. Especially if the view was presented by a bunny who loved to act a little more icy than he actually was.

"In an hour? You mean at your weekly cult meeting?" He devoured his second cheesecake piece in seconds.

His friend stared at him with traces of disgust in his features. He shook his head, appalled at the speed at which Jungwoo inhaled his food. "Why are you saying that like you're not part of the cult, my dear."

"Because I'm not coming tonight. I’m too tired.”

The rabbit’s jaw dropped. With his butter knife in his right hand, he spoke – making Jungwoo fear for his life –, "Excuse you. I live a very difficult life. The boy I love is currently going through his third existential crisis in a week and has been sleeping in a dance studio  _again_  for two nights in a row and my parents are asking me about my grades twice  _every day_. You will not rob me of the opportunity to see you and Romeo in action. Your blushing? His awkwardness? Let me feel alive, Jungwoo. If I mean something to you, you won't say no."

Jungwoo shook his head, lips a straight line. "No."

"Okay." The black-haired one took out his phone, scrolled through his gallery with an evil smile. "I just remembered... I have so many pretty pictures of you. Pictures that could be memes. Pictures that are worth sharing. And I know a certain boy who'd love to see them."

There was no real anger in Jungwoo’s voice as he said, "Doyoung, I despise you." He knew his friend would never actually do it, but he still played along.

The evil smile turned into an adorable one as a cute head was cocked to the side, "Come with me, please? I don't wanna force you. Really. I just want you to be there with me, okay? And _maybe_ I want to see you be awkward around Lucas but that's a tiny factor."

"If it means so much to you, I'll come." He took Doyoung's chocolate cake. "But I still hate you, bunny."

 

* * *

 

"This is a rap, one that will slap, this is no joke, boy, you're so broke-" Donghyuck looked into Mark's eyes with a feisty expression painted on his face, pushing him away like they were in a dance battle, not an impromptu rap battle.

"Mark wins," announced Taeyong the second the boy stopped free-styling.

Donghyuck protested, "I'm not done!" He jumped into the middle of their circle dramatically and danced with a passion that would’ve made Channing Tatum and Zac Efron cry of jealousy.

His efforts were in vain. There was no room for discussion. The pink-haired oldest shook his head.  "You rhymed rap with slap twice, Donghyuck. Mark wins."

The smaller boy opposed, “And  _he_  used swag in every sentence. That's worse."

Ten appeared to support Taeyong – Jungwoo didn't even know he'd watched the spectacle – and gave both Donghyuck and Mark a disappointed look. "You both lose," interrupted he. "That was horrible. _From rags to swags_ , Mark? Really? And what was that Hyuck: _My rap will slap you off every map_? Is this Kidz Bop?"

Jungwoo chuckled, head falling back on Doyoung's shoulder.

They had been here for fifteen minutes and he hadn't seen the one he'd come to see yet. Why did he even bother coming? They were literally sharing a room, he could've waited at home. Maybe – just maybe - it was because a tiny part of him wanted to make sure no one was flirting with his roommate.

He’d seen before what it was like at parties for someone like Lucas. He surely wasn’t chilling on a couch with his bunny friend, holding his third slice of pizza. No, Lucas was probably somewhere in a corner surrounded by a bunch of people who were magically attracted to him. What was it about people like him, how could he gather a crowd so easily? 

Was it the charisma? The loud voice? The addicting laugh? The ability to make people feel comfortable so easily? The way he whispered good n- No, that one was definitely not it.

Thinking about Lucas made Jungwoo miss Lucas. So, despite telling himself to ‘be cool’, he got up and announced to Doyoung, "I'll go look for you-know-who. Be right back."

The boy wandered from the crowded living room to the kitchen, met a bunch of people he knew on the way and greeted them with awkward smiles. When he found Sicheng and Yuta leaning against the pantry, he interrupted their conversation with a fast beating heart and social anxiety already waving hello. "Have you seen Lucas?"

Sicheng nodded, but Yuta was the first to answer. "Yeah, he went upstairs with that girl. Kia? Mia? Something short?"

Jungwoo’s mouth turned into a desert. "Lia?"

Yuta nodded in agreement, "Yeah, her."

Nausea kicked in. 

_Okay. Okay. Okay._

He walked upstairs. Quickly. Very quickly.

There was no reason to be anxious. Nonetheless, the dizziness spread through his skull and his heartbeat aspired to win a race against an unknown opponent.

"Lucas?" said Jungwoo quietly. 

"Lucas!" repeated he again, much louder.

He opened the bathroom door. 

Nothing.

He opened the door to what seemed to be Johnny's dad's office. 

Nothing.

"Lucas?"

Before he could open the door to his right it opened by itself. 

"Geez, what now?" asked Lia with a vexed expression. Upon seeing the boy a dark shadow fell over her face. Jungwoo stared at her, stared at the beautiful curls, the smudged black eyeliner, the jacket thrown over her shoulders, the arms crossed in front of her chest. No, her arms weren't crossed. She was covering herself. She was wearing only a bra and ripped jeans. 

"Oh, great. It's you. Of course."

Jungwoo stood in front of the door, frozen.

_No._

His eyes locked with the boy's who appeared behind her.

"Snoopy?"


	27. Chapter 27

"Snoopy?"

Jungwoo took a step back into the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" asked Lucas, face painted with shadows of fear and surprise.

Jungwoo was frozen. He'd seen enough. The girl's face, Lucas' guilty eyes, the dim light in the room, everything led to the same conclusion. He turned around and ran into the bathroom, locked the door before anyone could follow him inside.

He couldn't tell whether Lucas followed him or not, couldn't tell if he heard the boy calling after him or if his mind had made that up. Everything turned foggy and he trusted nothing but the feeling of his own fast-beating heart to be real.

Once he'd calmed down enough to feel something besides nausea he dropped down to the floor.

_What the fuck did just happen? Did they-_

_Yes._

"Jungwoo. Open the door, please. You're not- It's not what you think. Open and let me explain." It wasn't his friend's voice. It was a much weaker copy of it, one that was shaking uncontrollably and shattered into pieces at the end of every sentence.

He didn't move. His body felt immensely heavy as if every bone was made of titanium.

Anxiety was a beastly thing. Sometimes it presented itself in the form of a tiny monster sitting on Jungwoo's shoulder for days, spitting poison on everything he touched until joy was no longer a familiar feeling. And sometimes, like today, it took the shape of an explosion in the boy's stomach, causing him dizziness and cramps, and, worst of all, the same old haunting thoughts. An endless loop of _You'll never be enough_ repeated itself in the crowded mind.  _Of course, Lucas wasn't interested in you. How could he be? There are fucking people out there like Lia, unproblematic, pretty, hot, loved by everyone and not-_ He tried to stop himself from thinking, started chewing on his nails as if the biting motion could bring light into the darkness. It failed, intrusive thoughts were stronger.

"Jungwoo, I know you're in there. Say something. Please."

He wiped away the treacherous tears and sat up straight, foolishly attempting to regain dignity, knowing very well Lucas couldn't see him anyway.

_Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you._

"I'm gonna stay here 'till you open the door. Even if it takes all night," announced his roommate from the other side of the door.

But Lucas didn't keep his word.

36 times he knocked at the door before he gave up. Jungwoo heard steps towards the staircase; the steps unmistakably his roommate's.

_Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave._

There it was again: the everlasting fight between his rationality and his emotions. He didn't want Lucas to stay, not with traces of _her_  on his body. However, the feeling of being left alone, of losing him - it felt like rotting from the inside.

_You knew he was gonna leave eventually,_ he told himself, _you're dumb for hoping he'd like you. What made you think he'd develop feelings? Even if he did. You know better. It's never real. None of it-_

Jungwoo's inner monologue was interrupted by a kick against the door from the other side. A sudden click followed, the sound of scratching. Seconds later the door opened. He'd expected Lucas to stand there, maybe Doyoung, but not Lia. She was checking the lock triumphantly, two broken bobby pins the evidence of her morally dubious act.

"What the fuck?" muttered Jungwoo. "What if I was peeing, you creep?"

"I could hear you cry from the guestroom," said Lia, closing the door behind herself. She had the audacity to lock it again - this time using the key. 

"I told Lucas Johnny has a spare key and he went to look for him downstairs." She sat on the floor across Jungwoo. "He's a fucking mess." She wore a casual blue shirt and had put her hair into a high bun.

Looking at her made his stomach twist.

A 'fuck off' was hiding between Jungwoo's lips, ready to be spoken out loud, yet he held back, put on a calm face. The second she'd entered the bathroom he'd stop crying. He'd not let her see him weak.

They sat there in awkward silence for what felt like an eternity until she interrupted the quiet. "You and Lucas... Are you a thing?"

_Yes, at least I think so. I can't tell you though, because my dude is in a locked closet. Also, there's always the possibility that this whole thing was only in my head and we've never been on the same page about this and I wanna cry._

He shook his head. "No, we're not."

"What's going on then? You're crying in the bathroom for fun?"

Jungwoo stared at the navy towels behind her. He didn't have the patience for this.

"Well." She shrugged, made a grimace. "We didn't fuck if that's why you're in here. We went upstairs because I said I wanted to go somewhere quiet. I'm not gonna lie to you. To be honest, I don't really care about what you think of me." Her tone wasn't hostile nor cold but she certainly wasn't friendly. "I thought he wanted to- to do more. But he didn't even kiss back." She untied her hair, her eyes avoiding Jungwoo's flushed face. "I asked him what's wrong and all that but he said it's nothing. Then you called his name and he almost jumped out the window." Lia crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I'm not dumb. I get it. But... I didn't know, okay?"

Lia wasn't justifying herself, she was merely explaining everything to him for some strange reason, which Jungwoo couldn't make out.

"I don't know if you know, but- Lucas and I, we have some history. And with him hitting me up again last week I thought he wanted to continue where we'd stopped last year."

The bitterness in Jungwoo's mouth was unbearable. " _He_ messaged you?"

She shrugged again. "Yeah, but... I don't think he meant it _that_ way. Guess, I got it wrong." Her curls were hiding the huge eyes, the fake eyelashes, the smudged eyeliner.

_Lia had been crying before._

The boy pulled his knees to his chin. "Why are you doing this? Explaining everything? You don't owe me an explanation."

She sneered at his words, rolled her eyes. "This isn't about _you_. I like Lucas. A lot. He might not like me back - at least not the way I like him - but I'm not gonna be a bitch about it."

Then the boy understood something that put the puzzle pieces together: in her story, he was the antagonist, the guy that popped up and ruined everything. Nonetheless, here she was, fixing things for the clueless boy who was searching for a spare key that probably didn't even exist.

"Thank you," Jungwoo said flatly. He meant it.

She got up and made to leave. "I didn't do it for you." On her way out she checked her makeup in the bathroom mirror and applied a new layer of lipstick, unbothered by the boy's presence. 

_I know._

 

* * *

 

He waited. He knew Lucas would come back.

As expected, two minutes later Lucas barged into the bathroom, out of breath and determined to talk to him. "Jungwoo! Listen! Me and Lia didn't do anything! I swear! I know you don't believe me-" His sincere shouts were interrupted by Jungwoo's calm, "I believe you."

Perplexity was painted into dark brown eyes. "You do?" Lucas plopped on the floor next to his friend.

"She told me herself."

" _She_ did?"

"She did. You still lied to me, though."

" _I_ did?"

Did Lucas magically forget about his past with her or was he blatantly lying? Jungwoo couldn't trust his own judgment this time; the bias was too strong. "You said you two weren't close. You skipped something, didn't you?" questioned Jungwoo.

"But we're not close? Wait, are you talking about-" His brows drew together, he blinked. "But... We just fooled around. There was nothing to it. We met a few times to study, ended up making out. No big deal."

_He's... saying the truth?_ It hadn't been a big deal to Lucas, Jungwoo came to understand. His friend wasn't lying. He wasn't feeling anything for her despite the potential that she'd seen in their relationship. The realization left a bitter taste in Jungwoo's mouth.

_Ended up making out. No big deal._

"Okay. What are we two doing then? Also 'fooling around'?" he asked, irritated. "Are we also ' _no big deal_ '?"

Insecurity is a faithful companion in complicated relationships and a long time friend of the self-doubting boy. 

"No. I - Are you making me repeat myself on purpose? - I told you what I think of you. What I _feel_ for you." Gesticulating wildly, nervously, Lucas elaborated, "It's different with you, Jungwoo. I can sleep with someone and not feel anything romantically. But, with you," He poked Jungwoo's palm with two fingers, then took the smaller's hand in his, slipped his fingers between Jungwoo's. Their palms, although different in size, fit like puzzle pieces. "Holding your hand is enough to make me sweat."

That might've been the sweetest thing Lucas had ever said to Jungwoo. The smaller's face lit up, pink lips curled into a sheepish grin. "Do you feel that way right now?" 

Lucas nodded, his gaze shamelessly wandering to the bitten lips.

"Is that why your palms are so sweaty?" teased Jungwoo. The reply was a blank stare which might've turned into a string of embarrassed excuses if Jungwoo hadn't immediately continued, "I'm kidding, your palms aren't sweaty." He paused. "I think I get it. I feel that way about you too."

The other's eyebrows rose, his mouth parted in disbelief. "Really?"

Jungwoo moved closer on the white bathroom rug. His fingers were still around Lucas'. "Of course. Why are you so surprised?" 

He leaned his head against the boy's shoulder, his eyes were locked on their hands. The conversation made it hard for him to maintain eye contact and in his current position he could sneakily avoid it.

"Because I never know what you're thinking. You could've told me you hate me and I might've believed it."

_I spent the past weeks of my life trying to avoid you so I don't fall for you,_ he thought to himself, _how can you be so clueless._

They'd said it. They'd admitted to each other what Jungwoo had so diligently kept a secret and as a consequence this wasn't going to work on a purely friendship level anymore.

"I think I might've ruined our bro-thing tonight, Lucas. I'm sorry."

That wasn't entirely true. He was sorry that things had been dramatic and uselessly messy, but on the other hand, he wouldn't have survived another fucking week of _broship_. At least, after tonight, they couldn't deny that there was more to them than a platonic relationship. Unless, of course, they pretended Lucas didn't freak out and Jungwoo didn't run into the bathroom crying.

As if he'd spied into Jungwoo's head, Lucas uttered, "You're right. We'll have to give up on that. But you might have opened the door for something else instead, Snoopy."

He'd run circles around that thought multiple times in his mind, yet hearing them leave the younger boy's mouth made him squirm.  "Do you... Do you think we're ready for that something else? Even though everything we touch somehow turns into a big mess?"

Nodding was followed by words barely more than a whisper, "Maybe if we stop fighting this... Maybe things will get easier? I don't know. Would you wanna try?"

"Of course." replied the Jungwoo. He tilted his face to the side, stealing shy glances at Lucas. "I'm scared I'll fuck up. If I do, please, don't run away the first chance you get. I promise I'll work on me. _Us_. This. If you keep your promise, too."

"I don't break promises. And you," he pinched Jungwoo's cheek, "won't fuck up. Don't worry about stuff that might never happen. We haven't even been on a date yet and you're mentally preparing for our breakup."

_A date? Will we go on actual... dates?_

Would Jungwoo eventually get used to Lucas' cuteness? Would there be a day where his face wouldn't go through a dozen shades of red every conversation? He couldn't imagine.

"I'm just making sure we're on the same page. You know, creating context, building the setting." He had absolutely no idea what he was saying.

"Alright... If you say so." The younger obviously shared his confusion. For some reason a mischievous grin sneaked onto the handsome features. "I'll give you something to write into your diary tonight: Dear diary," Lucas tilted Jungwoo's chin up with his thumb. "Today Lucas kissed me in the bathroom in Johnny's-" He couldn't finish the sentence for Jungwoo pressed his lips against the speaking mouth quickly. Beaming, he victoriously chuckled into the kiss, "Kissed you first."

He'd missed the irresistible lips, the experience of the seductive fingers spread at the nape of his neck. Words were replaced by the sound of lips reuniting, by the taste of Jungwoo's cherry lip balm and Lucas' minty tongue.

"Stop," commanded the older suddenly, parting mouths and hands with his friend. "I have one last question. Why did you even go upstairs with Lia? I mean... considering how she feels about you."

It truly wasn't his intention to ruin the mood but he had to know the answer before the question turned into a ghost following him.

"What are you talking about?" The younger looked back at him, flabbergasted and visibly annoyed at the unwanted break. "What does she ' _feel'?_ "

_Wow._

Lucas was indeed absolutely clueless when it came to certain matters of the heart.

"Never mind." Jungwoo wiped his mouth, bidding farewell to the last traces of lip balm Lucas' lips had left him, and asked, "Can we go home, please? Let's celebrate the ruin of our _broship_ somewhere where it doesn't smell like toilet cleaner and artificial lemon."

 

* * *

 

Lucas held his hand.

Lucas held his hand as they walked down the stairs and he held on when they said goodbye to Doyoung - because god forbid Jungwoo disappeared without a trace, his best friend would've alarmed the FBI two minutes after noticing - and in the crowd he drew circles with his fingertips on the skin of Jungwoo's knuckles in defiance of countless eyes curiously glancing over. 

Holding hands, they magically created a wall between the two of them and the world, a wall that promised that things would indeed end up okay as long as they didn't let go.

They walked home on clouds, no words between them, only shy gazes, slow steps and starving lips under the moonlight. 

That night they unlocked the door with hopes of finding a never-before-seen constellation in the night sky.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S T O P S T O P S T O P
> 
> DISCLAIMER: This chap is nothing but smut. 
> 
> ♡ If you're not old enough, not comfy reading about sex or anything like that pls stop reading rn!! I hope ull have a lovely day ~  
> ♡ if ur into this, pal, be warned this gonna suck (p u n??) it's my very first time writing smth like this and tbh im terrified lmao its really not good!! so pls dont go into this with high expectations!!  
> ♡ my fake ass said before that im not gonna write smut. Why did I do it? bc.... i wanted to explore *every aspect* of their relationship,,, honestly I just thought it'd be cute pls dont judge jfjfjfj  
> ♡ also I'm actually very shy so if u talk with me about *this* outside of ao3 im prolly gonna pretend idek what smut is ha ha ha  
> ♡ *dies* have fun xoxo

"If you don't stop," warned Jungwoo with his index raised, wriggling out of his friend's hold, "I'm gonna sleep in the bathroom tonight. No cuddles." He pushed the large hands away, got off the bed. "I said wait five minutes. _Just five_. I'm gonna brush my teeth first."

Lucas threw a pillow at him, pouted. "And I told you I don't care. Also, who said I wanna cuddle?"

His roommate/friend/undefined-other-category-which-he-didn't-want-to-question-yet hadn't stopped touching him from the very second they'd unlocked the door. He'd taken Jungwoo's jacket off for him just to nuzzle his face in the spot between Jungwoo's ear and shoulder and countless times had he grabbed Jungwoo's fleshy ass with both hands, pulling him close enough to make two bodies one. 

It cost him quite some time, but the hazelnut-haired boy managed to leave the bed whole. Brushing his teeth before what was to come was a priority, thus he kissed Lucas' forehead and promised, "Be right back."

"Wait," Lucas pointed toward the open closet. "Take that shirt."

Jungwoo pulled the shirt which was gestured at out with two fingers, eyeing the white fabric with suspicion, although he knew exactly what his friend was hinting at. Feigning confusion he looked at the other like he needed explaining. In a needy, deep voice came the expected words: "I want you to wear my shirt."

With a purposefully indifferent shrug Jungwoo left to change in the bathroom, not revealing that he secretly loved the idea of wearing it again.

Once he was inside, he sat on the toilet with the cover down and held the shirt up. He'd worn it before. It was the one with Lucas' name on it. He buried his face in the fabric but it smelled like flowery detergent, not Lucas. Despite feeling undeniably disappointed by the absence of his scent, he put it on. 

Why was wearing someone else's clothes such a pleasant thing? Or was it because they were Lucas' clothes that Jungwoo's eyes widened upon seeing himself in the bathroom mirror? Although they were only centimeters apart in height, the taller's clothes always seemed a little too big on him and fit in a cozy, I-wanna-spend-my-entire-life-hiding-in-these way, sparking the desire in Jungwoo to try on every item in his roommate's closet.

He brushed his teeth, took a long look in the mirror, fixed his hair and began walking through the tiny bathroom, pondering what might await him outside. Could he do this? The thought of taking everything to another level, to tear down walls and to give himself to Lucas... Jungwoo swallowed and swallowed but couldn't get rid of the lump in his throat. He was terrified, yes. But, because it was Lucas, Lucas who cooked him Ramen when he came home late and told him old childhood stories at 2 in the morning, it wasn't as anxiety-inducing as it could've been. And that made all the difference. He trusted him, even if from time to time he had quite the messed up way of showing it.

He trusted him enough to do whatever tonight would bring. 

After giving himself a heartfelt prep talk in the mirror, he was ready to face Lucas again.

And Lucas- He'd been waiting for him, arms opened with the intention of an embrace. "I missed you." 

Jungwoo took his seat on the thick thighs, which he loved so much, locked his feet around the sitting boy's hips. Fingers and lips met as the hazelnut-haired one promised himself to not come embarrassingly fast.

"Are you sure you you're okay with this?" mumbled Lucas into the crook of his neck. He'd barely touched him and Jungwoo was already greeting the familiar feeling of being on fire. He nodded, "I want this. Bad. Really bad." 

Long fingers ran over his back, plump lips covered his face in countless kisses. He tilted his head up as the mouth wandered down his chin and neck.

When Lucas reached his collarbone he stopped, hands lifting the white fabric with his name on it. Jungwoo raised his arms eagerly, tried to focus on the pleasure more than on the waves of nervousness. He wanted to give himself to the boy who so willingly took possession over his body and at the same time running away also seemed like a lovely option. The thought of Lucas' seeing all of him, all the places he'd much rather not show anyone, all his scars and insecurities was terrifying. His body was certainly not as toned as Lucas' and neither had he any hint of muscles drawn in the shape of a six-pack. But, he wanted this. Truthfully, Jungwoo had been waiting for this and he wouldn't let his fears ruin anything tonight.

Honey-dripping lips were glued to his while greedy hands touched parts of his torso which they hadn't met before.

"I just wanted you to wear my shirt so I could take it off you," giggled Lucas into Jungwoo's half-opened mouth. They were still getting to know each other's ways of kissing, still getting used to the addictive taste and sensation. He could've spent hours exploring every bit of Lucas' tongue, however, it seemed that the younger was in a hurry for he was the first to force their lips apart.

"Lay down," Lucas demanded in a high tone that made it sound like a question.

Jungwoo didn't. First, he tugged on the hem of the shirt Lucas was wearing until he too finally raised his arms. He undressed him, pressed his lips against the dark caramel skin of his chest. Something as simple as leaving trails of kisses from the boy's collarbone to the soft spot behind his ears caused low humming sounds from the younger and waves of heat to spread in his own crotch area.

At last, he laid down on his back, eyes glued to the face above him, his naked chest rising and falling in anticipation.

He thought Lucas was about to kiss him again, but he didn't. Instead, he began exploring the boy's upper body with soft lips. His neck, his collarbone, his navel, Lucas' mouth sucked all the right spots in all the right ways.

The younger, smiling more and more with every sound he could get out of his Snoopy, made his tongue flick against the boy's right nipple twice, then licked the other the way he'd lick candy. With a wave of curses - of which _fuck_ was the one used most often - Jungwoo's fingernails dug into Lucas' back, holding on to him with desperation. 

"You're so sensitive," stated the one whose mouth was moving restlessly. He looked up, reached out to gently pinch Jungwoo's nose, making him giggle.

"Be honest, are you nervous?"

Jungwoo pulled the boy close to his mouth by his neck, fingernails buried too deep in the skin. He'd probably be able to marvel at the marks tomorrow morning. "I've never felt so naked. It's scary, but-" He broke off, inhaling nervously.

"But?"

"I don't want you to stop." 

Taking those words as his cue to proceed, Lucas continued placing kisses and sucking on peachy skin. "I wish I could kiss every inch of your body"

"So I die of frustration before I even get to see your dick?"

In reply, the younger softly bit Jungwoo's hips, tongue licking the flesh as teeth playfully grazed skin.

He looked up, waited for Jungwoo to nod before he unbuttoned and slid down the boy's jeans and boxers. He didn't touch Jungwoo's swelling dick. No, he took his time dragging his tongue over his hips and thighs. 

His gaze fell on multiple tiny scars covering the skin of Jungwoo's thighs. He narrowed his eyebrows. "How did you get these?" His long index finger traced the scars with extreme gentleness even though time had faded them barely visible. Before Jungwoo replied Lucas' mouth was pressed against the scars, kissing them softly again and again.

"That's a very long story and I want my mouth doing something else besides talking tonight." 

"Really?" smirked Lucas, moving up to cup the pretty face in his hands. Jungwoo leaned forward with a grin, teeth quickly catching Lucas' lower lip. His tongue ran over it, messily and too fast, making both boys laugh. One of Lucas' hands met the back of Jungwoo's head, the other hand's thumb traced his lips.

"Open your mouth, Snoopy."

Jungwoo tried to ignore the cold air hitting his very neglected and very exposed dick and sucked in the thumb pressed against his lips with lewd noises. Lucas' eyes widened in surprise and - as Jungwoo had learned - lust. The arousal in his friend's expression made him suck on the thumb in a manner he would've never thought himself capable of. With his tongue swirling around the huge finger in his mouth, Jungwoo welcomed the salty taste the skin gave off. Even when things got messy, as the whole thumb was coated in spit, he didn't break eye contact with Lucas.

And Lucas - Lucas was staring at him as if hypnotized. For at least a minute the older worked his mouth, increased the volume of the slurping noises along with the fogginess in Lucas' eyes. Then, with his jaw muscles tiring, he pushed the thumb out with the help of his over-worked tongue.

Both eyebrows raised, he asked, "Do you plan on doing something too or... am I supposed to suck your thumb till you come untouched?" He wiped the spit off his chin as Lucas wiped his thumb clean on the fabric of his sweatpants. Still in trance, he looked from his fingers to the wet pink lips they'd left seconds ago. "Fuck. That was hot." 

He cupped Jungwoo's face again and instantly the older protested in a whiny voice, "Stop kissing me and touch me _there_. I'm not gonna jerk myself-"

Lucas silenced him with his lips, mumbled into the kiss, "Wait for it, babe. Blow me first."

Sighing, taking a last look at his neglected friend down there, Jungwoo sat on his knees in front of the bed. Lucas slid his sweatpants down till they were around his ankles and spread his legs wide enough for Jungwoo to fit between them.

_I can do this, I can do this, I can do this._

Licking his lips in anticipation Jungwoo took the pretty dick in both hands, elbows comfortably resting on Lucas' thighs. 

Long veins were drawn on the skin like rivers on a map, beautiful rivers which Jungwoo traced with his index finger. He kissed the tip of the cock softly, lips catching the beads of precum leaking from the slit. 

"Did you just kiss my dick?" Lucas' mouth hung open. "The fuck? You're so fucking cute."

Blushing - not because of the dick in his hands but because Lucas had called him cute _while_ he had a damn dick in his hands - he kitten-licked the soft skin twice. 

"You've watched way too much porn," said the voice above him in awe. "Or you've given more blow j-"

"I'm gonna bite your dick if you don't shut up."

That silenced Lucas.

Jungwoo's fingers clasped around the base of Lucas' erect member and began working on it in a slow, pumping motion. Was he really doing this? Was he really sitting naked in front of Lucas, holding his - really nice - dick, starving to suck it? He'd dreamed of this so many times, had imagined every inch of the boy's body during lonely late-night shower sessions and now he was sitting here having all his expectations exceeded.

Grabbing a fistful of hazelnut hair, Lucas brought him back to the moment. "I'm waiting, Snoopy." 

The smaller felt another heatwave occurring in his body, the rough fingers tugging his hair along with Lucas' clenched jaw and exposed body made him burn from the inside.

His lips parted to welcome the unknown thing; first only sucking on the tip but slowly he took more of the length in his mouth. Obscene sucking noises met Lucas' whiny _mhmm_ -sounds which slowly turned into low moans.

"Jungwoo." Lucas' voice was a deep growl. "Look at me." He touched the hardworking jaw just enough to make the boy between his legs look up.

The smaller tried to keep eye contact as his head bobbed up and down. He didn't want to look like the virgin he was, but he couldn't help the tears forming in his eyes. It wasn't until he tried to put Lucas' whole dick into his mouth that he understood how big exactly his lover was. His attempts failed as tears filled his eyes.

Between low moans and fingers curled around strands of hair in needy desperation, the younger mumbled breathlessly, "You're so beautiful. I swear you're getting prettier every time I look at you."

Immediately given more energy through the sweet compliment, Jungwoo licked and sucked the boy's dick with new passion, tongue swirling around the flesh sloppily and probably a little too aggressive. 

His own dick was aching to be caressed at this point; he had to keep himself from pathetically grinding against the floor to soothe his desires. 

Lucas didn't seem to notice, was occupied with the sensual act on his body. Something about the way Jungwoo repeatedly inhaled the pretty cock along coating it with good amounts of spit made him hiss between deep moans, "Fuck, I wanna kiss you."

Taking his lips off the dick to catch his breath - he was afraid he'd sucked himself to an asthma attack - Jungwoo teasingly asked, "Do you want me to stop? Do you want to kiss me instead?"

Immediately Lucas shook his head, tightening his grip on the soft hair. "No, but... maybe use a little less teeth and a bit more tongue?" 

Scoffing, Jungwoo shot back, "I'm doing my best here, buddy." Lucas hummed in appreciation but the humming turned into a surprised gasp as Jungwoo put the entirety of his lover into his mouth without any warning. The tip of Lucas' cock hit the inside of Jungwoo's throat. 

The boy sitting on his knees did his best not to gag, tried to breathe through his nose. Giving a blow job looked much easier in porn.

"Keep- Keep looking at me, Snoopy. Don't-  _Fuck_ - Don't look down." Lucas' moans were loud. Too loud. And they made Jungwoo's ignored friend twitch in excitement. Single tears running down his face he repeatedly attempted to swallow his beautiful plaything, gaze never leaving Lucas' face.

And heaven, was Lucas' face a sight. Eyes almost closed - opened just wide enough to watch the puppy looking up, lips parted to offer room for the lewd noises to leave his mouth and nails buried in the smaller's scalp, Lucas groaned, "Jung- Jungwoo, I'm about to-  _Fuck_ -" 

The hand he placed on Jungwoo's shoulder indicated that he wanted to finish off himself, suggested that Jungwoo could lean back. Only, Jungwoo wasn't having it. Mouth filled with the flesh of the other, he couldn't use words to reject. He shook his head decisively, tried to find the rhythm which seemed to affect the handsome boy the most.

Between groans, Lucas cried, "Are- Are you sure? Do you want me to - come in your mouth?" Jungwoo nodded, one hand holding on to the base of the cock and the other around Lucas' balls.

"So... fucking... cute."

Lucas ejaculated in Jungwoo's mouth with deep moans and the smaller's name on his lips and Jungwoo swallowed every drop of the salty sperm like he'd been starving all day - although it definitely wasn't the nicest thing he'd tasted before. He sucked on the wet tip until Lucas stopped him by pulling him back softly by his hair.

"Shit, that was good," he mumbled, not yet breathing steadily again. He hugged the smaller, kissed the top of his head tenderly. "Thank you."

For a second, Jungwoo rested his forehead against his roommate's chest and allowed himself to experience the feeling of Lucas' naked body against his, the pain in his knees which he hadn't noticed, the musky smell radiating from the body he leaned into and the sound of Lucas' post-orgasm breathing.

"You know, I'm still inside you and I will be 'till you digest me."

"Oh my god, shut up." He felt another kiss on the back of his head, heard a soft laugh. "I'm serious! You're so gross. If that's something you're gonna jerk off to later I'll never suck your dick again." Jungwoo, ripped out of the trance and growing impatient, climbed on the bed and gave himself a few loose strokes, mostly to remind his friend that he too would like some attention. "Are you... gonna help me... or?"

"Yes, yes. I'm just," Lucas grinned sweetly, exposing two rows of bright teeth, "happy." He stood up, gave Jungwoo the opportunity to see him in all his naked glory, and held his hand out. "Get up, Snoopsnoop."

"Are we doing something _kinky_? I don't trust you." 

His question made Lucas chuckle quietly, which only convinced him more that something tentacle-hentai-worthy was about to happen. The older took the hands in his and allowed his friend to guide him through the room.

"You know we can always stop, right, Snoopy?"

Instantly came the impatient reply, "Lucas. If you don't make me come after I nearly choked on your dick, I'll make you sleep in the hallway tonight."

Lucas gave him another cute, wide smile and stopped in front of the mirror, gestured at the reflection. 

_What the fuck?_

The view made Jungwoo's jaw drop.

He was a mess: fucking _completely_ naked, hair tousled, cheeks extremely red and mouth still covered in traces of Lucas. He had to admit he looked ... hot? In an obscene, dirty way, which he wouldn't want anyone but the boy behind him to see. In the reflection he noticed Lucas take his dick in his hand. He processed the image before he processed the sensation of the touch around his neglected buddy.

"Look at yourself. Look at me touching you," said Lucas calmly, his chin resting on Jungwoo's shoulder.

"Is this a _kink_?" joked the older. He was met with a laugh before his friend decided to do something about the unoccupied mouth. 

"Suck," demanded Lucas. He pushed his index into his friend's mouth, fingertip pressing against the palette of the warm tongue. Simultaneously, he began stroking Jungwoo's dick and ran his tongue over the boy's earlobe.

Speaking with a finger inserted in your mouth isn't that easy - especially Lucas' oversized ones. Nonetheless, Jungwoo managed to say, "You love this finger thing, huh?"

Mainly to see the arousal in his lover's face, he began sucking just like he did on the dick minutes ago. 

Watching himself in the mirror, naked and working on Lucas' index, with Lucas' body pressed against his and the taller's tongue and teeth playing with his earlobe made him blush in different shades of red. He thought he'd been in need of release before, but this, being touched by Lucas like this, wasn't comparable to anything he'd felt before.

Lucas lazy strokes fastened and caused Jungwoo to release a high-pitch moan which sounded pornographic to his own ears. Embarrassed, he tried to be quieter, yet that was a plan destined to fail.

"You're into this aren't you?" whispered Lucas into his ear. Warm breath made goosebumps appear. "Do you like seeing yourself like this? Blushing, my cum still between your teeth, your dick in my hands." Jungwoo shook his head in reply, denying the obvious pleasure Lucas made him feel. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't keep himself from moaning into the hand in front of his mouth.

"You should though. You're fucking stunning." The younger quickened the rhythm in which he was jerking him off, loose fist tightening slowly. "You're so beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful. I can't wait to do all the things with you that I've been dreaming of. I promise you, I'll fill up every hole of yours with me, Princess."

The high, tortured whine Jungwoo released made Lucas stiffen for a split second. His teeth dropped the earlobe and he carefully checked Jungwoo's aroused face.

"You... do like being called Princess, huh?" Realization spread on Lucas' expression while visible embarrassment conquered Jungwoo's. All he could do was lean into Lucas' muscular body and watch him give his dick generous pumps with his fist.

"I promise, I'll treat you well, _princess_. I'll do everything to keep this slutty expression on your face." He took his finger out of Jungwoo's spit covered mouth and wiped it with his palm. Placing kisses on Jungwoo's ears and neck, he muttered, "You've never looked prettier."

Between high-pitched moans, Jungwoo breathed, "C- Close." He put his right hand on Lucas' fist, showing him the pace needed to make him cum and the other followed his directions.

"Come on, Snoopy. I wanna see how cute your orgasm face is. Show me, babe."

Before the last syllable was spoken Jungwoo came into Lucas' fist, one last whine - and he collapsed into the other's arms.

They stayed like that for a moment with the older trying to regulate his breathing and muttering incoherent words, which he'd later not remember.

Many of Jungwoo's firsts were taken that night: the first time he'd seen Lucas naked, the first time he'd ever shown _himself_  completely in the nude, the first orgasm through the hands of someone else and the first time he'd trusted someone enough to let himself fall. 

Toned arms guided him to the bed. Lucas tossed the heavy blanket aside and laid down, waited for an exhausted Jungwoo to lay next to him. 

But he didn't. Instead, Jungwoo climbed on top of him and laid flatly on his body, his chin resting against the naked chest and his dick rubbing against Lucas' thigh. If he hadn't been completely drained he'd asked for a second serving. 

The younger boy, apparently not half as tired as he was, was busy licking Jungwoo's leftovers from his fingers. 

"Are you okay?"

Jungwoo nodded, a soft smile appearing on his pink lips. "Tired." He gently kissed the chest so close to his lips. "Was I okay?"

Lucas narrowed his eyebrows, head tilted to the side. "What do you mean 'okay'? It was awesome. Or... was it not?"

"It was. It's just- I don't have much experience. I know you've done all of this before with different people. With girls who were probably much more skilled and boys-" A finger was pressed to Jungwoo's lips - this time not asking permission to penetrate his mouth.

"Don't do that," interrupted him Lucas. "Don't compare yourself to people who're irrelevant. I've never liked someone the way I like you. Everything you do is... perfect." Another kiss on Jungwoo's hair. "You could rub my dick with your feet 'till I come and I'd think it's the best thing ever."

With a soft giggle, Jungwoo kissed Lucas' toned arms. "That's a fetish, Mr. Wong."

Voice low, Lucas mumbled, "Maybe you're my kink."

Cringing at how sickeningly sweet his lover was, Jungwoo playfully replied, "Oh really? Am I? Even though I'm a _boy_?" His fingertips ran over Lucas' collarbone, then his chest, drawing little hearts on the skin. 

"I don't think you understand," began Lucas sincerely, "You could be a girl, a boy, non-binary, to me, when it comes to my feelings towards you, it doesn't matter. What I love the most is this." He kissed the top of Jungwoo's head. "This really weird mind of yours and," he placed a tender kiss on Jungwoo's lips. "This cute smile. Okay?"

Jungwoo nodded, cheeks scarlet.

He didn't want time to pass, didn't want to move. If only he knew how to stop time. As the seconds passed he understood that for now, all he wished for were many, many of these nights spent with Lucas.  _I might actually love you someday._

His eyelids grew heavier and heavier as his friend played with his hair while he was misusing the lovely chest under him as a pillow. Slumber had nearly captured him when Lucas poked his cheeks to wake him. "Hey, don't fall asleep with my sperm in your mouth. Brush your teeth." 

The older sighed annoyed. Why did he have to remind him? He rolled off Lucas' body and put on the white shirt that'd been thrown on the floor. It was luckily long enough to cover his private parts.

"Snoopy?" Lucas was curled into a ball under the blanket. "If we want this to work I need you to do something very important for me. I mean it." He paused dramatically. "Throw away all your shirts. From now on, I want you to wear only my shirts and hoodies when you're home."

Jungwoo raised a certain finger in the air, yet couldn't help giggling at the boy's cheesy words. "You're really... in a mood tonight." He walked into the bathroom and continued with a louder voice, "Come take a shower and brush your teeth or I'm not gonna kiss you goodnight."


	29. Chapter 29

He fell and fell, there was nothing to crash into, nothing to hold on to. The abyss was swallowing him, slowly and cruelly. Arms wide open he tried to fly, but he couldn’t. Desperate, he was looking for something – anything – to grab, to touch, to stop himself from falling. He couldn’t stop, couldn’t escape.

 

Jungwoo ripped his eyes open to see black. It took a few moments for his sight to adjust to the darkness.

Something felt off. Did he have a nightmare? He couldn't remember. 

Lucas' arm hung heavy around his upper body, holding him despite the boy's sleeping state. Jungwoo slid out of the embrace. Feet robbed of warmth met the floor. He turned to place the shadow of a kiss on the other's forehead; lips barely meeting the skin. 

Lucas stirred but didn't wake.

What was wrong with him? Why was he so anxious? He'd gone to bed perfectly fine, yet for some reason, he'd woken up feeling weird: There was a lump in his throat and his heart beat too fast. 

He sat on the rug in front of the shower, pulling his arms around his knees, back resting against the cold wall.

Last night had really happened. He'd done things with Lucas which had caused fireworks to explode in his stomach. But nothing lasts forever. He'd come down from the high and the fireworks had burned out.

Lucas liked him. Lucas liked him back.  _He did._  There was nothing to worry about.  _There is nothing to worry about._  The tall boy had held him all through the night. He wouldn't have done that if all this was just...  _a game_.  _Meaningless_. Unreasonable doubts and fears spread like venom through his veins.  _Shit_.

Part of him wanted to get up and get his notebook - he truly was in need of a blank page to ruin – but, he might wake the sleeping one, so he sat still and counted to 50.

_One. He's not gonna leave._

_Two. He's gonna leave._

_Three. Logically speaking, everyone is going to leave anyway._

_Four. Which doesn't mean we can't try to make the best of it._

_Five. What the fuck am I even doing?_

_Six. Lucas isn't like him._

_Seven. He isn't lying to me._

_Eight. I'm probably just overwhelmed because he saw me ... like that._

_Nine. If he’d wanted to go he’d be long gone._

_Ten. He is still-_

"Are you okay?"

Startled, Jungwoo let out a gasp, "Oh my god. I - I didn't see- no, hear you open the door."

"Uh, it wasn't closed." Lucas leaned against the door frame, rubbing his arms like that'd warm him up. He could hardly open his eyes. "What's wrong? You're feeling sick?"

Since that was a more rational explanation than  _'I'm going through random anxiety at - What time was it? Three in the morning?_ ', Jungwoo nodded. "Yeah. I don't feel good."

The younger took a step closer, yet halted abruptly and asked hesitatingly, "Can I stay? Or do you want me to leave?"

"Stay, please." 

_Maybe you can silence my mind._

Lucas walked over, slid down next to him, instantly reaching out to take the other boy's hands in his. Fingers intertwined and he smiled at their hands like it was the first time he was enjoying the view. "I really like how tiny your hand looks in mine." 

Jungwoo smiled, chin still resting on his knees. "And I like how oversized you are." He ignored Lucas’ – very suggestive - grin and proceeded, "Did I wake you up?"

"Your absence did," stated Lucas, expression serious. He felt it again. Lucas' presence filled the room, lit a fire in his heart, illuminated every corner in his mind and left nothing but warmth.

"God, you're so cheesy."

The lump in Jungwoo’s throat was gone, yet his heart was still in distress, although mainly for different reasons now. 

The distress worsened as Lucas quietly asked, "Can I hug you?" It was apparent that the younger boy had noticed something was wrong. He was much more careful, almost timid. But, whether he did actually believe Jungwoo was suffering stomach cramps or he sensed that something else was up, Jungwoo couldn't tell. 

In an attempt to lighten the mood, he inquired, "Why are you asking me like this?  _Now_  you're getting shy?"

Lucas shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you don't wanna be touched right now." It was endearing how considerate he proved himself to be. Jungwoo sighed, cheeks puffed out. "Come closer. I'm cold." 

'Come closer' turned into Lucas whining until Jungwoo moved between the taller boy's legs with his back pressed against the other's chest. Lucas' arms were crossed in front of Jungwoo's chest and his chin rested on the smaller boy's shoulder.

It wasn't cold anymore.

He felt a kiss against the back of his head. "I dreamed of you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. We went on a date. I don't even remember what exactly we were doing. I think we had a picnic or something."

Interrupting him, Jungwoo stated, “But it’s winter.”

A half-swallowed giggle followed along with another kiss against his hair. "It was summer in my dream. We were in a park and we ate. We ate a lot."

_Summer with Lucas_... Warmth spread from Jungwoo's chest to his cheeks. Would they still be a thing in summer? He hoped so.

"I'd like that. What else did we do?"

Lucas loosened his hold, watched the other boy turn in his arms until their mouths were mere inches apart. "This." Lucas kissed him softly, no tongue, only cotton candy lips repeatedly meeting. Fingers ran through Jungwoo's hair with no hurry. 

If every kiss told a different story, this one would tell tales of how two people, if only for a few moments at three in the morning, had believed in serendipity. 

Again, Lucas' plump lips touched Jungwoo's, however, quite unexpectedly they parted to say something. "Mostly we fought over who'd fight the giant dragon."

Jungwoo fell into laughter, put a hand on his friend's chest. "Wait. What dragon?" He looked up at Lucas with curiosity in his eyes.

A shrug, he cocked his head to the side like a puppy. "I have no idea."

"You're so cute."

The quiet visited again, hung Jungwoo's words in the air like sweet perfume. Both boys embraced the guest with their limbs tangled and their lips sealed.

Jungwoo never finished counting to 50.

"Are you feeling better?" whispered Lucas after some time.

Whether it'd been seconds or an hour, Jungwoo couldn't tell. He was at that place between sleep and awake, the place where one still remembered dreaming, waiting for a certain boy to escort him to Neverland.

With his last resources of energy he replied, "Yeah, I'm okay." Adrenaline had left his body hand in hand with anxiety, causing him to feel exhausted and in need of sleep.

Lucas buried his nose in Jungwoo's hair for a little too long. "Good." 

Gifted with highly dangerous courage that one only experiences between midnight and sunrise Jungwoo took both of the younger boy's hands in his and began, "Can I ask you something? I know it's not the right time but..."

He was interrupted. "Shoot."

"Would you consider us... Like- Do you think... we are... a couple?"

Lucas looked at him, absolutely devastated. "What? I thought we're friends? _Bros_? I thought you're like this with  _all your friends_?"

It took Jungwoo around ten seconds to realize Lucas was kidding. The shock that had build up in his stomach dropped into nothingness. "I'm serious, Lucas."

"Snoopy," Lucas sighed, obviously exhausted - not just because of the ungodly hour but Jungwoo's antics too. "I've considered my heart taken since I first saw your smile. Of course, I don't think we're  _just_  friends. I seriously hope you’re kidding." 

_Oh._

After all, it had become reality. They were taking the next step. 

_This is happening._

"Are we now... supposed to call each other ‘babe' and 'honey'? And like... hold hands in public? Ki-" He broke off, distracted by his own thoughts. Equal parts excited and worried, he looked at his...  _boyfriend_.

"Please, don't make this awkward," pleaded Lucas amused. "Who even uses 'honey'? Forty-year-olds maybe. And ‘babe’ is boring. I'll stick to ‘snoopy’." Upon seeing Jungwoo's still unsatisfied face he added, "You can call me ‘babe’ though. Or ‘majesty’... maybe ‘baby bear’? Or ‘daddy’ if you wanna. I don't care."

A soft laugh left the boy's lips. "I think ‘idiot’ is a better choice." 

It was okay, he told himself, they still had all the time in the world to figure everything out - gross nicknames included.

"I wanna ask you something too," began Lucas, fingers playing with the hem of Jungwoo's shirt -  _his_  shirt. "What was tonight really about? Were you really sick or...?" He waited for the answer, pulled him closer by the white fabric. 

Jungwoo shook his head. Without realizing it, he’d reached out to touch Lucas' neck. Taking his time, his fingertips traced the caramel skin, thumbs moving greedily as if they'd just noticed how much of the boy's body they’d yet to experience. 

"I got-" he searched the word clusters in his mind for a way to describe that particular demon. "Scared." 

The moment Jungwoo’s arms fell to his sides, Lucas put his hands right back on his own shoulders, unmistakably and eagerly awaiting the touches again.

"Was last night too much?"

Small fingers ran along his collarbone. Lucas leaned into the touch.

"No, I don't think so. Honestly, I don't know. I can't explain."

"You don't have to."

Jungwoo moved closer, lips gently touching the boy’s collarbone. He kissed the hollow, once, twice. However, before his lips could travel any further, and things get more heated, Lucas stopped him with a kiss on his forehead.

"Please, tell me if there's something I can do when  _it_  gets like that, okay?" He stressed the word 'it' like he was unsure what term to use.

The reaction was an embarrassed nod. "It's okay, really. I'm fine."

It hit him then that one day the handsome boy with the adorable big ears and the precious wide smile might truly get to know all sides of him, might meet his demons and make friends with them too. If Jungwoo let him, that is.

"We should go back to bed," he suggested, thumb still running over the other's shoulder.

"Let's go." Lucas offered to help him up, but it turned out that was just an excuse to pull the boy swiftly into his arms again. He held on to Jungwoo like a koala bear, making it rather difficult for him to walk. "Tell me a bedtime story before we sleep."

"It's almost four. Just close your eyes and you'll fall asleep."

"Come on," whined the taller, arms tight around Jungwoo's neck as he led him to the bed. The sudden weight around his upper body caused a loss of balance, made the boy trip over his own feet.

"I deserve a bedtime story," protested Lucas, face confident.

Playfully, Jungwoo replied, "Oh, you do? Why?"

The response was an adorable nose crunch and a blanket being lifted. Lucas waited for the older to get into bed first. "Because of how cute I am?"

_Fair enough_ , thought Jungwoo.

The blanket was a miserable method to keep warm in comparison to snuggling up against Lucas' body, Jungwoo admitted to himself. Then he thought about which bedtime story to tell. Would he go with a fairy tale? Something his mom told him as a kid? Pondering his (very limited) bedtime story choices, he came up with another idea. "Earn it with a kiss." 

Despite it being 4 a.m. and despite all the tiredness in their bones, Lucas' eyes lit up with the promise of a challenge. "How about you tell a story that's worth a kiss from me?"

 

* * *

 

 

_#L1_

_I found the universe in two brown eyes._

_I discovered a whole planet in your mouth and I still haven't found a method to explore it._

_Every time you speak I can see stardust tumbling down your lips and, fuck, do I wanna kiss it off your chin._

 

_#L2_

_It's funny how I see entire galaxies in your eyes, yet I can only hope for you to find a single star in mine._

 

* * *

 

 

They woke up late the next morning; both had ignored the 9 am alarm Jungwoo had set the night before. The sun was high and shining in all her glory as the two boys mumbled ‘good mornings’ in tired voices with their hands already holding on to each other's bodies under the heavy blanket. 

"Do you have anywhere to go today?" asked Lucas in his deepest morning voice - which still gave Jungwoo chills. 

Considering it was Sunday the boy didn't have much planned. "I thought I'd meet Doyoung for lunch, but," he pressed a kiss against the back of Lucas' hand, "Suddenly, I don't feel like leaving the house."

Lucas pulled him closer, embraced him a little too tightly. "I'm not letting you go. Stay with me."

A million butterflies decided to fly through Jungwoo's stomach. Inhaling the morning scent of Lucas' body, he decided to betray his best friend this one time.

"Fine," said Jungwoo, struggling to breathe. "Let's pretend the world doesn't exist."

They left the bed two times before the clock showed 4 pm: once to pee and once to open the door for the delivery man and their food. Between watching Ouran High School Host Club and feeding each other slices of pizza, they played games of "Would you rather?" and lazily explored inches of each other's skin which they hadn't the pleasure to meet yet. 

In hindsight, that day was the first time Jungwoo had come to a conceptualization of what "paradise" could mean. 

Around midnight he fell asleep in Lucas' arms while listening to Honey-Senpai's voice harmonizing with his boyfriend's giggles. Just before slumber overcame him, he heard the other boy mumble, "You're cuter than him  _and_  his bunny." Jungwoo decided to argue against that in the morning.

 

* * *

 

 

The cafeteria was crowded. Students were rushing to get coffee, countless hands grabbed for food at the same time. Among the chaos, Jungwoo felt his phone vibrating. He halted, put the empty tray he was holding back on the stack. He knew who the message was from before checking.

@Jungwoo 12:03 pm: I miss you already... wish we could go home and cuddle

It'd been a long time since he'd felt his heart skip a beat upon seeing a message. He stared at the words, wondered whether he should reply immediately or wait until he'd found a spot to sit: that way he'd have more time to let the words melt down his throat, while they continued to cause a row of embarrassing smiles in public. Yet, with his will power as low as his blood sugar, he typed his reply right then and there, standing in the middle of the cafeteria.

@Lucas 12:03 pm: :((( I miss you too

@Lucas 12:03 pm: I still have 10 hours to go tho :(

@Jungwoo 12:04 pm: I know I know

@Jungwoo 12:04 pm: keep texting me pls maybe that'll make me miss you less

@Lucas 12:04 pm: maybe I'll do that if you send me a selfie

@Jungwoo 12:05 pm: now???

@Lucas 12:05 pm: yes ><

@Jungwoo 12:05 pm: I'm in class

@Lucas 12:06 pm: did I ask for nudes I said a selfie

@Jungwoo 12:07 pm: wait a sec

By the time the picture appeared on his screen Jungwoo had chosen a sandwich, paid for it and found a quiet corner.

Lucas had sent a shaky selfie with bad lighting that looked like he'd taken the pic with his phone in his lap – which probably had been the case. He was grinning widely and his ears looked adorably huge from that angle.

Jungwoo sighed, zoomed in, traced the cheeks with a thumb as if it was actually Lucas in his hands.

@Lucas 12:08 pm: Bad idea. Now I miss you more.

"Jungwoo?" 

He covered his phone’s screen with his palm, looked up, searched for a face to match the voice. 

_Kun._

“Hey,” Kun greeted him with a kind smile. “Can I?" He gestured towards the seat across Jungwoo.

"Sure!" said the other, shoving half his sandwich into his mouth at once. He hadn't seen Kun in a very long time and neither had the boy camped inside his head like he'd used to in the past.

They exchanged 'how are you's and how is uni going?'. Small talk, nothing out of the ordinary really, yet it felt different than before. The hazelnut-haired boy didn't feel anything – besides, of course, his general nervousness which he suffered whenever he had to interact with someone he wasn't very close with. 

Quickly, before awkward silence could ensue, Jungwoo asked, "How is Chen?"

"He's doing well. He's into Naruto lately and he keeps running around in a headband, pretending to do Jutsus. It's cute."

"We've all been there," laughed Jungwoo, thinking of the days he'd spent practicing hand signs in front of the mirror.

Kun nodded in agreement, sighed. "Definitely." He took a sip from his coffee. "You should really come visit again if you have time. Last time he asked Lucas so many questions about you."

Jungwoo swallowed the rest of his sandwich. He could feel his phone vibrating against his leg. "He did? That’s cu- Wait, what did Lucas say?"

"Let me put it like this: telling Chen you have superpowers wasn't really smart of Lucas. Now Chen keeps bringing that up because he thinks you're secretly part of the Xavier Institute."

His cheeks turned ruby as he thought of Lucas talking about him with the kid. "Chen thinks... I'm a mutant? Oh my god, I'm gonna kill Lucas."

Kun gave him a 'I've long given up on him'-face, then added, "You and Lucas... It's a good thing."

Jungwoo didn't expect those words coming from Kun. He stared at him wide-eyed. "Oh. Did he- Did he tell you?"

His boyfriend's best friend laughed, "You held hands at Johnny's, Jungwoo. I'm pretty sure everyone saw you two."

Another embarrassed laugh left Jungwoo's lips. "Oh. Right."

Everyone at Johnny's knew... Given how fast information spread, he assumed all their friends had heard of it. He himself didn't mind, only hoped Lucas was okay with it. 

The older of the two boys smiled, fingers tapping on the cup. "I don't want to sound like his parent or something, but you're good for him. Really. He's been a lot less-" he stopped, "lost. He seems to be more grounded nowadays and I think it's because of you."

Jungwoo bit his lips, tried not to grin. "If that's the case... I'm happy."

His phone vibrated for the fifth time and he took it out to see whether someone was calling him or whether Lucas was bored.

@Jungwoo 12:10 pm: why aren't you replying anymore? was my selfie that ugly?

@Jungwoo 12:12 pm: wait till I'm home I'll show you how handsome I am

@Jungwoo 12:13 pm: hey where did you go I KNOW YOU'RE ON BREAK

@Jungwoo 12:13 pm: just kidding I hope ur having lunch

@Jungwoo 12:14 pm: I still miss you though…

"-this Wednesday, if you have time, come over," suggested Kun. 

Jungwoo, who’d been spaced out during the first words the other had uttered, responded, "I'd love to. I’ll ask Lucas too. If he's free we'll be there."

Right after he said those words he stopped, felt kind of baffled. How couple-ish they’d sounded! Was this his life now? A life in which  _we_  meant him and Lucas? 

The thought of the ‘ _we’_  occupied his mind as he finished his juice and talked with Kun about his classes. There was a  _we_. Was he being overdramatic or was it … a big thing? And why was he missing the second part of the  _we_  so damn bad? They’d just seen each other that morning!

 

Kun left after finishing his coffee but Jungwoo couldn't.

He stared at the new messages he'd gotten and wondered how a single picture could fill him with so much light.

@Jungwoo 12:29 pm: I'll send you another selfie that one was ugly

Lucas wasn't smiling this time. Instead, his eyebrows were raised and he was biting his bottom lip seductively.

Jungwoo couldn't stop laughing. How many attempts had it taken for him to be able to take such a pic in a room full of people? Was he sitting alone? Didn't the person next to him think there was something wrong with him? 

He looked at the dark hair, neatly styled back, and the white hoodie. Lucas looked like someone who belonged on the cover of fashion magazines. Then the boy with the messy hair and the goofy smile crossed his mind, the one that waited for him to come home so they could forget the world together. For some reason, it presented itself to him right then and there, the knowledge that he’d fall for every angle and every part of Lucas.

@Lucas 12:35 pm: sorry I got distracted 

@Lucas 12:35 pm: you're always beautiful, demon

@Lucas 12:36 pm: meet me in the bathroom after your class

_#L3_

_I started finding traces of you_

_in all the poems I had ever written_

_and it took me way too long_

_to understand that it was your absence_

_which I had captured between the lines._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading! I hope ur doing well ~


	30. Chapter 30

"You can't be serious."

"I am, Jungwoo. I'm really fucking serious." Doyoung raised his hand to his mouth, teeth finding knuckles to bite on. Jungwoo shifted closer on the bed till he was close enough to pull his friend's hand into his. "Stop doing that." He gave the other's hand a soft squeeze. "It’s not true. It isn’t. Okay?”

Jungwoo was quite overwhelmed by the boy's outburst. They'd finished eating, had gotten ready for a study night at Doyoung's - sleepover included - when the words had tumbled out his friend’s mouth rapidly like he wanted to get rid of them by saying them out loud. He’d confessed his fears. Fears, which Jungwoo couldn't unite with his friend's usually unceasingly rational behavior.

"Jaehyun tells him he's asexual and suddenly Taeyong is sure what he feels for me?" His soft voice sounded strained, every word spat out unwillingly.

Jungwoo fell back on the mattress, took his friend down too. "First of all, that's not what happened at all and you know that. You're panicking for no reason. Jaehyun's sexuality has nothing to do with you and Taeyong."

He'd never noticed that the ceiling in Doyoung's room wasn't white but beige. But then again, he hadn't spent much time here since his friend had moved in. The small room was filled with everything that had occupied the bunny's space in their old shared room: from the blankets to the countless books in the shelves, they were all familiar to Jungwoo. Perhaps that was the reason why he felt so comfortable.

Yuta wasn't home. According to Doyoung, he was at Sicheng's more often than in his own room. Doyoung's shaking voice was the only sound echoing through the apartment. "That's what I want to think. That it didn't matter. That it doesn’t matter to Taeyong. Still, what if it was-" He groaned, broke off. "I don't know. Fuck."

The younger of the two rolled on his side, looked at his friend's pained face. "Explain again how you left." 

"It was chaotic. He told me, he’d talked with Jae about it. That Jae had told him about it, too. Then- I don’t know. One thing led to another and I _might_ have overreacted. I didn't even finish my food. I said some shit about a forgotten assignment and I _ran -_ not literally, I don’t run - but you get me."

Jungwoo nodded, although it was difficult to follow the events. It was strange seeing Doyoung like this again and again, eyes filled with tears, expression hurt, getting worked up over things that under normal circumstances would never cause him distress. It was frustrating to see someone he loved so much trip over his own shattered heart so very often.

"This isn't like you. You're projecting something else into this." Jungwoo spoke quietly, softly. He didn't want to give him any reason to feel judged. "Listen to yourself-"

He was interrupted before he could begin voicing his advice. "I know. I feel like I'm out of my mind, Jungwoo. When it comes to Taeyong, I lose it. It's like my brain is malfunctioning every time I think about him and I can't take it anymore. I thought it's us not being together that hurt me, but us being together is worse because he brings out the fucking worst in me."

Jungwoo didn't answer. Doyoung's sobs drowned every other sound anyway. He put his arms around his friend and couldn’t do anything but watch him break.

 

* * *

  

Voices robbed Jungwoo of his peaceful sleep; loud ones, which clearly tried to be quiet and considerate, yet failed miserably.

"What are you even doing here?" whisper-screamed Doyoung. 

Jungwoo, shielded from the cold by Doyoung's fluffy blanket, couldn't see him. Figures in the hallway were stopping the light from shining through the half-opened door. The second shadow responded in a hushed tone, "I told you, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." 

Hearing Taeyong surprised Jungwoo. He checked his phone. It was only 2am. He'd been asleep for less than half an hour. 

"Please, be quiet. Jungwoo and Yuta are both asleep." Doyoung sounded exhausted. However, given that he'd done nothing but analyze his own twisted mind the majority of the evening, he had every right to.

Finally, they lowered their voices, whispered things which didn’t reach Jungwoo.

He considered trying to sleep again but decided against it. He wanted to be awake when Taeyong left, in case Doyoung needed him.

"- don't know what to tell you. I'm tired. This back and forth. Me, doubting everything. You never answering your phone-"

"Because I'm _practicing_. It's not like I'm at home, chilling."

"I know," assured him Doyoung instantly. "It's not you, Taeyong, it's me. Don't give me that look. It's really me. I'm not myself when it comes to you. I'm not rational. I'm so easily irritated. Last time we fought- I felt like literally washing my mouth out with soap. I've never said things like that to anyone, let alone someone I love."

Jungwoo could feel the fear building up in Taeyong without having to see his face. 

"Where are you going with this?"

"I love you, Taeyong. I thought we could make it work. But... I love you too much. In a destructive way. In an unhealthy way. In a way that you don't deserve."

A scoff, one loud enough to probably wake Yuta too. "Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No. I spent the whole day thinking about how this - _us_ \- probably only started because Jaehyun couldn't give you _that_ part of a relationship. Can you believe that? And I know it's gross and I know it's all on me. And it's not only that. My mood swings were fucking insane the past weeks. I know that. And so do you. You deserve better."

 _Fuck._ He wished he could take the pain out of his friend's body, wished he could stop the suffering, which was radiating through the walls. He couldn’t do anything besides listen.

"I'm begging you, leave. Before I fuck this up and before I fuck you up. Before I hurt you. We can't do that. Not now. Not with you working 24/7 to be all you ever dreamed to be."

"I don't understand why you can't just... stop being like that. I fixed myself up again, I did everything I could. Is it my fault? Tell me what to do and I’ll try to do it." Taeyong didn't sound angry. He sounded confused, practically calm. Somehow, Jungwoo was sure that was just the initial shock offering protection from processing Doyoung's words. 

"I can't. I tried. It only got worse. Our fight in the library last week – Our argument after class – It’s not supposed to be like that. I love you, but I can't watch myself turn into a monster. And more importantly, I don't want to hurt you. Let's end this here before it gets ugly."

It was obvious there was no going back. He'd made a final decision, even if it meant breaking two hearts at once.

A dry laugh came from Taeyong. "Too late. Honestly, I'm too fucking tired for this right now. Whatever. I'm just done." He stopped talking. Jungwoo could hear him zipping up his jacket. Someone opened the door. "I still love you, Doyoung."

"I love you too."

Another dry, humorless laugh followed, one that Jungwoo hoped to never hear again from his pink-haired friend. "The worst thing is that I believe you."

 

Jungwoo and Doyoung didn't sleep that night. They sat and talked about all the things they thought they knew until they figured out that even knowledge was subjective, unreliable. Doyoung _knew_ he loved Taeyong, but there would never be objective, measurable proof for that. One day, in the movement of time, his knowledge would crumble and turn into a weak belief and that belief would, at last, become a theory of how there once had been a love in his life, which he hadn't been ready to feel. He’d tell stories of how he, back in the day, had felt something too strong and too destructive, and what he had claimed to know would vanish. 

Sometimes Cupid plays with fools that way, makes them meet and fall head over heels, only to watch them break apart over how it wasn't the right time nor the right place, although it was certainly the one right match.

 

* * *

  

He didn't expect his boyfriend waiting for him in Doyoung’s room when he walked back in. Jungwoo'd taken a quick shower in hopes of getting rid of the groggy feeling that came as a bonus every time he pulled an all-nighter, however, seeing Lucas again after a day of being apart proved to be much more effective.

“Lucas!” He fell into the other's arms dramatically and buried his face in the crook of his neck.

"Don't leave me ever again," pleaded Lucas, equally dramatic. He hugged him tightly like he was trying to squeeze the memories of his own absence out of Jungwoo's body.

"I was gone _one_ night. Plus, we were in the same building," reminded him the smaller. Despite saying that, he was holding on to his boyfriend as if he hadn’t seen him in months.

Lucas, with his face hidden in Jungwoo's damp hair, sighed, "A long and lonely night." His fingers wandered down Jungwoo’s waist, touched places that caused him to shriek, “Stop it! We're not home!"

"I’m not the one grind-“

Doyoung's voice cut through the room. "You guys are gross." He walked in with a plastic bag in his hand, ready to clean.

Why did Jungwoo feel like his mom had just walked in on them? He kissed Lucas’ cheek, whispered, "Wait outside. I'll be there in a second." For a moment, he was lost in the dark brown eyes, was lured into another world by the thick lashes. He really had the most beautiful boyfriend, he thought to himself.

"I'll wait outside in the car, Snoopy." 

“Wait,” Jungwoo pulled him back by his wrist, eyebrows narrowed. "Car?"

"Yes," smiled the other, obviously satisfied with Jungwoo's baffled expression. "We're going on a date!"

It was difficult to not run after Lucas as he left. A date! Their first date! It’d been a week since they’d talked about them being more than just friends and now… _we’re going on a date._

Jungwoo turned to watch his best friend reorganize the books in his shelf. 

"Go. You don't have to stay and pity me any longer. We've already done that the past... what time is it? 3pm? The past 21 hours."

He knew Doyoung needed the solitude, needed to clean, to listen to music and maybe cry again. There was no reason for Jungwoo to feel guilty, but he did. "I'm not pitying you. It’s just... You're sure you'll be okay?"

Doyoung was still wearing his pajamas, his hair was a mess and the exhausted face finals-week-worthy. "Yes, of course. Now go."

"Call me if you need something," said Jungwoo for the fourth time that day.

A groan, two hands shoving him towards the door. "Go. I need some sleep."

 

* * *

 

 "Wow. This is... new," Jungwoo traced the airbag sign in front of him, glanced at Lucas from the side. He couldn't stop staring at him. It was his first time seeing Lucas behind the steering wheel and he couldn't deny the impact it had on him. "Where are we going?" inquired he and placed his left hand on his boyfriend's thigh. 

Lucas gave him no hint, only his trademark smirk. "It's a surprise."

"Please don't kidnap me," said Jungwoo. He couldn't tell where they were headed. Signs flashed by in rows while quiet pop music played in the background. "Actually, I don't think I'd mind. Whose car is this though?"

"Johnny's," replied his boyfriend, eyes focused on the busy road.

Jungwoo grew increasingly frustrated looking at him. The dark hair was styled back perfectly (a sign that Lucas had most likely spent half an hour on his hair alone), the black leather jacket thrown _oh so casually_ over a white shirt, him driving this really nice car – repeatedly, Jungwoo glanced over at the handsome boy, thinking nothing but _fuck._

The older boy, on the other hand, wearing an orange plush fabric jacket, felt slightly underdressed. Again, he watched the other from the side, his heart still racing as if it was his first time meeting him.

His hand ran from his boyfriend's thighs to his exposed knees, the fabric ripped open enough to reveal way too much skin in the cold, where his fingertips drew tiny hearts on his skin.

Lucas feigned calmness where there was none. "Snoopy, keep your hands to yourself or I'm gonna drive into a tree. You can't do _that_ when we've just met again. I'm sensitive."

He held back a laugh, dropped back into his seat. "Okay, okay. I won’t touch your knee again, don’t freak out. I have to hold back, though. You look good driving. Kinda hot." 

Plump lips curled into a cocky smirk, "Only _kinda_?"

The older opened his jacket, the window, yet still felt weirdly hot. "Give me your phone, I wanna change the song," he said in hopes of distracting himself.

 

"Where are we?" wondered Jungwoo. They'd been on the road for a good forty minutes, of which he'd slept thirty, and by now he’d lost all sense of direction. Surrounded by trees, he couldn’t find a single sign offering navigation, only occasionally a small house appeared, proving that wherever they were wasn't completely abandoned by humanity.

Lucas lowered the volume of Tracy Chapman's 'Fast Car'. "You haven't been here before?"

He shook his head. "It looks like the Whomping Willow could be just around the corner. I didn't even know there was so much... _nature_ around here."

They drove up a hill. Dark green leaves, the ones who'd survived autumn's breath of death, moved in the wind. It was warm in the car; outside the cold waited for them. At least the sky was clear.

 _Maybe an hour ‘till the sunset?_   Jungwoo was pretty sure they were just in time for whatever Lucas had planned. "I'm excited.”

The one driving took his hand, kissed his knuckles gently. "We're almost there."

They parked in the middle of nowhere, accompanied only by trees and ravens. The perfect spot for serial killers and midnight coven meetups. 

Lucas turned to him, anticipation sparkling in his eyes. "Stay in the car till I come to get you. I wanna get everything ready."

"I can help you!" offered Jungwoo.

The other shook his head. "Let me do this for you, please." He pulled his Snoopy close by his neck, kissed him softly, just enough to leave him wanting more. He unbuckled the seatbelt, didn't react when the older tried to pull him back into a kiss. "Ten minutes. I'll hurry."

"It's really-" Jungwoo moved back disappointed and pouting, "- hard to let you go."

He thought his boyfriend hadn’t heard him for he got out the car wordlessly. But, he appeared again on his side seconds later. He gestured Jungwoo to put the window down. Lucas kissed the pout off his lips and left him smiling sheepishly at the airbag sign.

 

Lucas vanished. 

He took two bags out of the trunk and disappeared in the chaos of trees and bushes. For fourteen minutes Jungwoo asked himself if he'd lost his first boyfriend to the forest. He probably didn't even carry any bread to leave a trail.

When he saw him walk back to the car - whole and not (visibly) possessed by any spirits – he ran towards him. “What took you so long? Did you go on a 'Over the Garden Wall'-adventure? I thought you’re lost!”

"Slow down," laughed Lucas, hugged him, “What’s a ‘Over the Garden Wall’?”

Jungwoo shook his head in disappointment, “Another show to add to your watchlist.”

"Yes, yes.” The taller kissed the top of his head. “I'm done, let's go."

Hand in hand they walked a paved trail hidden between old trees. It'd been a while since Jungwoo had taken a walk in nature. He'd grown up in the city and was used to the quick pulse of downtown life. He barely felt the need to be in nature, except the occasional stroll in the park. The change of scenery was a unique one, but then again, with his boyfriend's arm around his waist everything was much more magical. 

"You’ve been here before?" asked Jungwoo, knowing that the answer was yes. Given the confidence with which Lucas led him through the forest, where everything looked identical to Jungwoo but apparently not to Lucas, it was obvious he knew the place like the back of his hand.

"When I’m getting tired of the gym I like to run here. You couldn’t see it ‘cause we drove, but there are nice walking trails here. And when the weather is nice, it can get really crowded. But today I chose a spot where we could be alone that's why it's just us." He stopped amidst two trees, blocking what was to be seen behind them. "Okay. You go first, Snoopy."

The sight that awaited Jungwoo on the other side of the forest was overwhelmingly beautiful. His mouth opened, but he didn't say anything. He blinked again and again as if afraid of seeing a Fata Morgana. Lately, with Lucas by his side, everything felt too good to be real.

"I know it's cold but I thought we could still have a picnic. You know, make my dream come true."

The boy hugging him from behind had found a stunning spot. In front of them was a cliff offering an incredible view over the whole city, on the grass he’d spread at least four blankets and three pillows. He had lit a dozen big candles, which complimented the setting sun, and had placed them in a circle around the blankets. Jungwoo could recognize boxes filled with his favorite snacks next to the pillows. 

"That's so much food. Are those... LED candles?" He noticed that the candles were fake as he sat down. _That's why the wind didn't blow them out. That’s so smart._ He looked up at Lucas, who was still standing, and opened his arms, waited for him to provide body heat and kisses. "I love it. I love it. I love all of this so, so, so much." 

Arms embraced him, cuddled against him, a blanket was thrown over their legs. Playfully, Lucas inquired, "It's not too much?" 

"It's way too much. Like, all of it. It's so beautiful and romantic and cheesy and – It's so... It's perfect.”

_Just like you._

The praise elevated Lucas. Expression bright, he said, "Open your mouth." And, as if Jungwoo wasn't already at the risk of getting diabetes after his boyfriend's extremely sweet actions, he began feeding him chocolate chip cookies.

Blushing, he watched him open boxes revealing different foods.

_Feeding each other while watching the sunset. Check._

The view was distractingly beautiful. Jungwoo found himself getting lost in the colors, although the hands feeding him didn’t stop delivering. The sun was setting in the distance while slowly the lights turned on in the city beneath. 

Red and orange turned into dark shades of blue, the warmth leaving the sky for the cold colors of the night. 

It’s funny how the sun sets every single day, yet sometimes a simple sunset can turn into something to never be forgotten – especially if shared with a special someone. Then again, on other days there's no space for the appearance and disappearance of the sun. People go about their lives not appreciating the stunning color change, the magical shift from warm to cold, the sublime feeling caused by the birth and death of the day. No, sometimes a sunset is nothing but nature’s clock moving forwards and on other occasions - like today – it’s an otherworldly experience, one to never be forgotten.

Jungwoo glanced to the side only to find the ethereal being next to him already staring. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?" He could feel his cheeks burning up. 

Seven days into their relationship and Lucas’ gaze still made him blush easily.

"Don't think I'm weird. I keep thinking about this morning. Waking up without you next to me felt so wrong. And now – Now I can't stop thinking about how much I want to wake up next to you _every_ morning."

Jungwoo felt like someone was stabbing him right in his heart. In a good way. "You'll wake up seeing my beautiful face first thing tomorrow."

He wanted to place a kiss on Lucas’ cheeks, but the boy moved his head and caused the kiss to land somewhere close to his ears. They giggled until Jungwoo cupped Lucas’ face in his hands and plastered it with gentle kisses all over.

"Thank you for this. All of this," mumbled Jungwoo before letting him go.

"Everything for you." The younger boy pulled out two bags of sweets and a chocolate bar and handed them Jungwoo. 

They drifted into a composition of eating and talking about everything and nothing – conversation moving from the assignments waiting for them at home to Lucas contemplating his major (he’d much rather do something with languages after all), while Jungwoo told him about that one time he walked into the glass door at McDonald’s twice.

Once the sun had retired, the candles seemed much brighter, the atmosphere much more romantic. Silence fell upon them. Silence, which was only disrupted by the background noise offered by the forest and the occasional kisses.

It was Jungwoo who said, "The view is really beautiful", pulling them back to reality. He glanced at his boyfriend. Just like before, Lucas was already staring at him. "It is."

A scoff, a playful one. "You're not even looking, Lucas."

Sincerely, he said, "I am."

The older rolled his eyes, then looked down at the city with fascination. So many people, so many emotions and troubles were harbored in the structures of the buildings and for now, they weren't part of it. It felt like enjoying a bird's perspective on the life they were usually living.

From the corner of his eye, Jungwoo saw Lucas take out his phone. He began taking pics of his Snoopy in a secretive way that wasn't subtle at all. 

"What are you doing?" asked Jungwoo, quite confused.

With nonchalance, the younger answered, "Capturing the view." 

The boy was stunned for a second. Had that been said by any other person, he'd have cringed. But, seeing Lucas observing him with affectionate eyes and his phone lowered just enough to make it seem like he wasn't about to take another picture was painfully adorable.

He sighed, tried to regain composure, "How long did it take you to come up with that?" 

Lucas wrapped himself and Jungwoo in another thin blanket, "Believe it or not: that was improvised." He pulled Jungwoo closer, took a blurry selfie.

"You’re amazing." The hazelnut-haired one kissed him on his soft cheek. Lucas had managed to capture the cute moment and, immediately, he posted it.

It was their very first date and Lucas had already outdone himself: From the cozy blanket nest to the view to the chocolate chip cookies with a caramel core, everything was perfect. Jungwoo would have a hard time trying to come up with something equally cute - he didn't even plan to top this. Well, unless he booked a spontaneous trip to Disneyland or something. 

"Snoopy," Lucas put his phone down, looked as if he’d suddenly remembered something very important. "I got you something."

_Oh?_

The handsome boy took something wrapped in silver wrapping paper out of one of the many boxes and gave it to Jungwoo. "I saw it and it made me think of you. I thought you might like it."

Carefully, Jungwoo unwrapped the thing until he held a black notebook in his hands. A quote was written on the cover in calligraphy. It read:

**The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.**

He traced the elegant silver letters with his fingers. The lump in his throat grew the longer he looked at it. "It's beautiful. Thank you." He leaned forward to give Lucas a quick thank-you kiss, his focus entirely on the notebook. "But it's _too beautiful_. I'll probably never write in it because nothing is worth using these pages for."

"No, use it, Snoopy! I'll buy you a nicer one when you finish it. I promise."

Snuggling against the taller, he opened the notebook, thought of all the things he could write in there. "The first entry will be on how good your sandwiches are."

His boyfriend seemed unhappy with that. "Um, no. Write about how good _I_ taste."

Jungwoo looked up right in time to catch the lips meeting his. "Maybe I've written about that before," mumbled he into the kiss, put down the notebook. Lucas’ feet knocked down two of the LED candles as he straddled Jungwoo. If they had been real they would've burned down the forest.

"Really? What else have you written about me?" He left a trail of kisses along Jungwoo's throat, sucking on soft skin slowly.

"I told you, that's a secret."

 

It was long after the sun had set when they drove home. Jungwoo was tired, one sleepless night transformed into another, although tonight's was much more joyful.

The second his head met the passenger seat he fought the Sandman and lost. He was barely awake when Lucas said, "Snoopy?"

He answered sleepily, "Yes, babe."

In exaggerated slow-motion the one driving turned to him, expression shocked. "Don't just casually call me  _that_. I'm driving! We could've died."

Jungwoo rolled his eyes, said teasingly, "What did you wanna say, _babe_?"

Lucas hesitated. Without words, the mood changed, morphed into another.

"I was wondering, would you like to – Would you like to meet my mom? I have to go home tomorrow and – I don't know, I thought of taking you with me. Let her see that it's... serious." He kept glancing over at Jungwoo, obviously trying to read the boy's expression. "You don't have to, of course.”

For once, Jungwoo didn’t feel the need to contemplate a decision for hours. "I'd love to go with you." He placed his hand on Lucas' thigh, giving it a squeeze. "I'd love to meet her. But are you sure it's okay for you? I don't want you to feel like you have to do this or something."

"Honestly, in a really selfish way, I want her to see us together so she realizes it's not 'a phase'. And, I like you. A lot. I want the whole world to know about you. About _us_. Maybe not my dad 'cause-" he shrugged, made a grimace. "Well, he isn't in the country anyway. However, my mom, yes, definitely."

Jungwoo turned the volume down with his other hand. "Then it’s happening. I’m gonna go home with you tomorrow."

Visibly relieved, Lucas exhaled. "That’ll be… interesting. Wow, you’re gonna meet my mom. Shit. That's … a step." 

He was meeting his boyfriend's mom. He was meeting his boyfriend’s mom tomorrow. One week into their relationship. _Lucas’ mom who considers his sexuality a phase which he'll get over soon. Fuck._

"Stop at the next McDonalds, please. I need fries to process this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me?? Updating biweekly as promised?? Unheard of.  
> I hope you're all doing well!! I had a few rough weeks that's why I kept updating so late, BUT ITS ALL FINE NOW f*ck UNI  
> as always: thank you guys for commenting, giving kudos and all that. Ilu. ANDD to the ppl on twitter who sent me inspo for luwoo's first date when I was in need... thank u ❤️
> 
> On a side note, I assume there'll be 2-3 more chapters before this fic will end (can u believe it's been almost a year since I've started writing this mess wow) 
> 
> SEE YOU SOON ❤️


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Blood, mentions/includes Violence/Physical Abuse (If u get triggered by that please dm me on @xuxigalaxy or on here [if thats possible tbh idk??] and I'll try to summarize the parts so u dont have to read them)

He shouldn't have had his second cup of coffee, that Jungwoo was sure of once his mind greeted the restless state of anxiety mixed with nervousness and fear. 

Anxiety, because his pessimistic brain was working hard to convince him of all the ways this could go wrong. Nervousness, because even though he dressed especially mother-friendly (which meant light blue pants, super clean white shirt and a grey cardigan) and had made sure Lucas too was dressed in ironed clothes, he was afraid of leaving a bad first impression on his boyfriend's mother. And lastly, fear, because he was terrified the glittery sparks of hope in Lucas' chocolate colored eyes wouldn't be there anymore when they drove back home. 

"Snoopy?" 

Jungwoo reached out to hold the hand clutched around the steering wheel. He could count the veins on the other's hands, could read the tension in the wrinkles between Lucas' furrowed eyebrows.

"Yes?"

"We can still go home if you're having second thoughts. Don't feel forced to do this." Lucas did his best to keep his voice cheerful, but he wasn't fooling anyone. All day had he done his best to pretend he wasn't battling fears, like he wasn't scared. A smile had been glued to his lips since last night, yet it wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

No matter how hard he tried, Jungwoo couldn't fully grasp how horrible Lucas must be feeling. He hadn't been in his position. He hadn't been kicked out by his parents for who he was, hadn't lived the last few months like a nomad, moving from friend to friend, hadn't lived from the contents of a backpack. Fortunately, Jungwoo didn't know what it was like when the people who were supposed to support you blamed you for the love running through your already fragile heart and abandoned you for something that wasn't your fault. At least he knew how to kiss the veins along the boy's hands and promise him a better tomorrow. 

With the other's knuckles against his lips, he said, "We're not running away."

_I'm not letting you run away from this._

Lucas nodded, gently caressed Jungwoo's cheek with the hand the boy had been holding and then clutched it back around the steering wheel because driving with one hand was still too difficult for him.

The younger hadn't slept well last night. 

The two had sat across each other on the mattress, traced soft lips with their fingers once their mouths had grown tired and their jaws ached.

"How did your parents react when you had your coming out?" had Lucas asked with his thumb brushing against Jungwoo's mouth and his legs tightly around the other's. At night, they always sat like that, like they were playing Tetris and avoiding any gaps between their bodies.

"My parents already knew. I didn't really have a coming out moment. It was more a phase of me subtly dropping hints. Since it wasn't a big deal to them we never had any awkward talk." He wanted to kiss the pretty swollen lips but realized his own were still hurting from Lucas accidentally biting them. "One time my dad told me they're happy as long as I'm happy. It was obvious what he was talking about. But yeah, that was the closest thing to a reaction that I got from them." 

There was no jealousy in his words when Lucas said, "That's nice." But surely, there was bitterness in his eyes. 

For him it had been different, the bitterness told. For him, it had been a mess consisting of his dad finding old pictures, photographs which held precious memories but later turned into the gasoline that would be generously poured all over his life. He'd told Jungwoo how the irony of it all had been that the pictures were old and had only been stuck between the pages of a book because Lucas couldn't look at them anymore. Who'd have thought the day he hid the photographs in an old copy of  _The Alchemist_ would be the day he changed everything?

"You know, I'm really grateful my parents reacted that way. If they hadn't-" Jungwoo stopped, thought about all the nights he cried himself to sleep _without_ having to deal with a homophobic dad. "Teenage Jungwoo had enough issues already. I was an emotional mess. I don't know how I'd have dealt with that on top everything else."

By the time Jungwoo was about to fall asleep in Lucas' arms, there was an unfamiliar dark sewn into his boyfriend's iris. It was still there when he woke up long after Lucas.

And the same unfamiliar darkness met him now as Lucas looked at him and said, "It's the house on the right."

 

* * *

 

Lucas mother was beautiful. Of course, Jungwoo had expected her to be pretty - Lucas was her child after all - but the grace illuminating her face was one that made it difficult to connect her with the pain she made her son feel. Her eyes, which had the same brown tone as her son's, had turned icy the second she'd seen him.

She had hugged Lucas, although she'd given him a 'What exactly is this?' glare first, then she'd taken Jungwoo's hand and said, "Welcome" with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. 

Jungwoo and Lucas had never talked about Lucas' money source. The older knew Lucas had a credit card he paid his expenses with, but who paid the bill was something he never asked. Despite his homeless state Lucas wasn't short for money, it seemed. Now Jungwoo knew why. The two jeeps outside and the three-level house suggested wealth the same way the fancy electronics placed all over the living room did. To him, nothing screamed 'I don't know what to do with my overflow of money' more than the two tiny robotic vacuum cleaners quietly doing their job. 

He couldn't stop watching them even as Lucas' mom poured him tea into a cup and placed a plate with cakes between the two boys. It was weird how the tiny gadget knew where to go without any guidance.

"How have you been?" asked Lucas's mother, eyes glued to her own steaming cup of tea. She wore a casual floral dress that covered her knees and her hair was tied back. There was so much of the boy hiding in her features, it was hypnotizing.

"Good," replied Lucas coldly. "You?"

Jungwoo busied himself with the cup in his hands, stared at the pink flowers printed on porcelain like he could find the cure for homophobia in them.

The conversation didn't get any less awkward. She asked Lucas about school and his health but only got single word answers back. Five minutes into the interrogation Jungwoo excused himself and went to find the bathroom. He didn't have to pee, his intention was to give Lucas and his mother some space.

He took his time washing his hands, playing with the little elephant figures placed in front of the bathroom mirror - Swarovski crystals no doubt - and checking himself out in the mirror. After a long staring battle with himself, he decided to dye his hair a lighter shade of brown next time. 

On his way back to the living room he looked at the different things decorating the beige walls. Photographs of Lucas and his parents showed all the good times they'd had, certificates and diplomas were proof of the education the boy's parents had been fortunate enough to receive, sports medals told him about a side of his boyfriend which he hadn't spent much time with yet.

A picture caught his attention, one of Lucas and his dad on a boat, fishing. It was such a wholesome scene with Lucas smiling widely and his dad's arm around his shoulder like he wanted to show the whole world what a great son he had. His son was equally proudly holding a pitiful fish.

Later, Jungwoo would definitely tease Lucas about the small size of the fish but for now, he couldn't help but drown in admiration for him. He'd never felt this much affection for someone - let alone for someone holding a dying fish.

The voice of Lucas' mother pulled him back into the present moment and towards the living room. He couldn't tell what she was saying, they'd switched to Cantonese in his absence, however, he could tell she wasn't happy. His name flew through the room a few times. 'Jungwoo' out of Mrs. Wong's mouth sounded like an insult, while her son spoke the syllables with care, gentle like he feared he'd bite his tongue at the phonemes making up the name.

Before Jungwoo could enter the room Lucas walked out, expression distorted. "Let's go upstairs. My room." 

He didn't look back when his mother called him and she was too graceful to fight in front of a stranger. Lucas waited until they were out of his mother's sight before he took his boyfriend's hand and led him up the carpeted stairs. 

 _Upstairs_ was a maze of hallways and doors. Lucas navigated them through it, opened the door to a huge room.

Everything inside had Lucas' mark on it. For a moment Jungwoo was taken aback by the idea that this was the place where Lucas used to sleep, spend hours on his bed playing games on his phone, where he studied and... lived. The thought of him living his daily life so far away from what was their little world now made him feel jealous in a childish way. 

"It's so... you," said he as he walked through the room, taking in all that was surrounding them. A huge bed was the center of the room, a bed that looked much more comfortable for two people to sleep in than the one in the dorms. Shelves were filled with games and consoles, clothes covered the couch and the chairs, but it was the history books that caught Jungwoo's eyes. They reminded him of the night Lucas had told him why he loved his major so much. 

"It's insane to think about how everything is connected," he'd explained. "A single person's behavior can start a revolution and all of our actions together- like every single thing you do today is forming the future." His voice got high and he gestured widely with his hands. "One day the next generation will read about people we maybe don't even know exist today. You know, the people currently shaping the future. There's so much going on and we're always part of it." A fire lit in his eyes, a fire that only passion could ignite. "I think it's incredible how one thing leads to another. We always focus on the past or the future and somehow we seem to forget that we are also making history right now. I think that's pretty cool."

That night Jungwoo had fallen asleep with his roommate's words playing in his head on repeat. Back then they had been just that - roommates. Funny how one thing led to the other.

Jungwoo's index ran down the spine of the book. _History of Babylon._

"Of course it is, it's my stuff after all," laughed Lucas and threw a soccer ball in his boyfriend's direction. 

He didn't catch it, he was busy inspecting the book titles.

Clothes were folded neatly and placed in a basket on the desk. Mrs. Wong had probably put them there. How did she feel folding his clothes, knowing very well he'd take them and disappear?

The older sat on the bed, his hands running over the black sheets. "Your room is bigger than any apartment in the dormitory."

Lucas was stuffing shirts into a bag he pulled out of the closet. "I still prefer your place over mine."

Jungwoo got up, tip-toed through the room and put his arms around his boyfriend from behind, pressing kisses on his neck. "And I prefer wherever _you_ are." His hands locked in front of the boy's abs, hugging him tightly. "You're really brave. You know that, right?"

Lucas turned around, his hands wandered down the smaller one's waist until they reached his hips, pulling him closer. "You think so?"

He replied with a kiss which carried a nod. "The bravest."

The tall boy's soft smile awakened the desire in Jungwoo to shower him in sincere praises, but he had something else dominating his thoughts. "What did your mother say while I was gone?"

"She asked me if this was part of my rebellion. Coming home with a boy. Like I'm doing all this to anger them."

"One day they'll understand," said Jungwoo. 

A long index finger lifted his chin while lips grazed his throat, traveling down his Adam's apple. "Yeah, when I'm 45 and still _rebelling_."

In an attempt to distract him, Jungwoo guided him to the bed. "Wanna be extra rebellious with me?"

"Wow, this is-" He chuckled, followed him. "-really risky." When given the opportunity to take a breath, he added, "And hot."

Mumbling, Jungwoo replied, "You're right, let's stop." However, the grin on his face and his fingers around the hook of Lucas' belt suggested something entirely different. 

They both knew this wasn't serious, they wouldn't go all the way - especially not _here_. Even now, they hadn't done half the things their starving mouths and greedy fingers demanded. Ultimately, this was them escaping the ugly reality that was awaiting them downstairs by building a little world made of sweet words and sugar-coated touches.

"Lucas!"

An alarmed voice echoed through the place.

It took Lucas' mother exactly as long to run upstairs as it took the two boys to let go of each other and to position themselves in what they deemed _natural_ poses. 

The door opened with fury. She looked at them with an expression that Jungwoo couldn't understand. Why did she look so terrified? 

In Cantonese, she said something that made Lucas' face darken too. As sudden as she'd entered she also walked out again, leaving the door wide open and Jungwoo confused.

"Jungwoo," began Lucas, voice low. His tensed jaw, the narrowed eyebrows, the way he grabbed him, all of it caused waves of fear to crash against the insides of Jungwoo's stomach. He'd never seen his boyfriend like this and truthfully, he could've lived without it.

"Listen to me. I want you to go downstairs and leave right now." He pulled the car keys out his back pocket and handed them over. "Wait in the car and don't come back inside no matter what happens. Do you understand?"

The older boy's mouth turned dry immediately. He didn't want to know the answer but still, he asked. "What's wrong?"

"My dad just came home."

A sentence that simple was enough to cause havoc.

There was no room for discussion. Lucas shoved Jungwoo downstairs and told him repeatedly, "Don't talk to him. Just leave. If he says something, don't stop, keep walking. Wait in the car."

He didn't want to sound whiny, but he knew he dripped of irritating clinginess. "Why aren't you coming with me?"

"I can't just leave. Not when he's here. That'd be too disrespectful. I'll say _Hello_ and see how it goes. I don't want you around him though. Not when-" He broke off, hands fumbling with the hem of Jungwoo's cardigan. "I don't want him to-" Again he didn't finish. "Just wait in the car, please."

Everything happened in mere seconds: Lucas walking in front of him, guiding him downstairs with his hands around the tiny wrist, Lucas' father staring at the two boys with an expression so angry it made Jungwoo shiver, a quiet "Wait for me" and a thumb subtly brushing his. His shoes weren't even put on properly when his boyfriend closed the door.

Jungwoo looked at the sky, looked at dark red that soon would be replaced with deep blue. 

"Fuck, no."

He wanted to go inside and drag Lucas out, wanted to do _something_ , but he knew he couldn't. Lucas wouldn't forgive him if he went back, not after he'd so clearly stated that he wanted him to leave.

Feeling absolutely helpless and useless, he walked to the car, slowly counting to fifty.

 

* * *

 

Seven times had Jungwoo counted to one hundred when someone knocked at the window. He shrieked, his heart, which had already been racing wildly before, was apparently trying to escape his chest. In the last minutes, he'd imagined all the worst case scenarios: fears mated with the horribly _real_ danger of the situation. It ate him up inside and turned the car into a jail cell. Yet, no anxiety induced thoughts could've prepared him for the reality awaiting him outside the car.

Lucas had his arm held up in front of his face. Barely, somewhere in the back of his mind, Jungwoo registered that he was smiling in a 'guess, this didn't go well, huh' way. It was an annoying smile, a fake one, which was meant to soothe Jungwoo. All he could see was the blood dripping down the boy's chin.

His stomach turned. 

Another knock on the window followed. Only then did he remember that he'd locked the doors. His fingers were shaking so bad, it took him three attempts to press the unlock button. With his eyes glued to his chewed up nails, he waited until Lucas was back in the driver's seat.

He couldn't have a panic attack. It wasn't the right time. This wasn't about _him_ , this wasn't about how _he_  felt, he told himself. It was not his place to panic. Nonetheless, his body didn't obey. Paralyzed, everything in his sight turned the color of Lucas' blood.

"Jungwoo."

He swallowed but the lump in his throat didn't disappear. The overwhelming feeling of terror washed over him and his thoughts circled around one underlying fear: 'Will he be okay?'

"Snoopy."

Although his eyes were dry they burned like he'd been crying for hours.

"It looks worse than it is."

Lucas' blood covered hand touching his clenched fist pulled Jungwoo out the ocean he was drowning in. He was still drenched, but he was thinking clearly enough to ask, "Did your dad-" He couldn't get himself to finish uttering the question.

A single nod, an exhausted smile. "He asked me about you. Our relationship. Obviously, he didn't like my answer."

"Fuck. That's-" Jungwoo hid his face in his hands and wished he could punch himself for leaving Lucas behind. "Fuck."

"It's okay. I expected him to react worse. He only punched me once, but -  _geez -_ what a punch it was."

Jungwoo peaked at his boyfriend through his fingers as his confusion over the indifferent words grew.

Again, Lucas assured, "Seriously, I'm okay."

In his mind something moved, pieces shifted and parts were linked. The words played on loop:  _'I expected him to react worse.'_

Between the lines, Jungwoo recognized another story. The way Lucas shrugged this off as if it was nothing, the attempt of normalizing something so brutal, the absence of shock after being abused - Lucas had experienced this before.

_'He only punched me once'._

He grasped slowly that the gentle giant had grown up in a world where obedience and violence were two sides of the same coin. This hadn't been the first time. ' _I expected him to react worse.'_

The awful awareness made Jungwoo shift from paralysis to panic mode. "Are you in pain? Did he fucking break your nose? Let's go to the hospital. Let's call the police." The moment he said _police_ Lucas visibly stiffened. "Shit." Jungwoo turned to inspect the wound, but could barely manage to look at the blood flowing out the nostrils. "Shit." 

"No. No police, no ambulance. I'm fine. Nothing's broken." With the back of his hand, he wiped away fresh blood. Ruby was layered on his mouth and chin. Lips curled up once more. "Really, I'm okay. Noth-" 

Slender arms embraced the boy's neck before he finished speaking. 

"Stop telling me you're okay. I know you're not. Don't pretend." Jungwoo's words were muffled, spoken against warm skin while his eyes filled with unwanted tears. "He can't do that. I get that he's your dad, but no - just fucking no. You should've told me he's like that. I never would've let you talk to him alone."

"I know. That's why I couldn't tell you," whispered the younger. The forced calmness in his voice had disappeared. He sounded fragile, weak.

Jungwoo didn't know what to say. How could he take two decades of hurt out of the chest he was touching? How could he undo the damage done to Lucas' body - but even more urgently, how could he undo the harm done over years to the boy's dignity?

He couldn't.

He'd never be able to undo the pain, yet, Jungwoo knew he'd try anyway. He would try replacing every dark memory with a new one, one made of light and everything good and he'd watch old wounds heal and be there for Lucas during the aftermath of all this. 

"You deserve better. You deserve so much better." Jungwoo pulled back to look at the beautiful face. Small fingers cleaned scarlet fluid off plump lips. "Fuck him. Fuck this. You have a home with me, okay? I'm here for you. We'll be safe and we'll be okay. I promise."

In his promise hid another one. A secret promise which he couldn't say out loud, but which was sealed when Lucas' lips touched his: Jungwoo would make flowers grow everywhere Lucas had been hurt, even if it took a lifetime. 

For the first time Lucas' kiss tasted like iron and salt. Iron, because of the traces of violence still stuck to his lips, and salt, because - to Jungwoo's relief - he was finally crying. 

 

* * *

 

_#L4_

_You're sunshine_

_forced into a human body_

_~~the~~ _

_~~with fire in your eyes~~ _

_the warmth of your touch_

_..._

 

"Did you know some people use sugar water instead of hairspray?" Lucas looked up from his phone, eyes meeting Jungwoo's. His head was resting on the older boy's left thigh, while Jungwoo's right thigh was used as a writing pad for his poetic endeavors.

Three hours had passed since they had sat in Johnny's car. Weird, how three hours could be enough to rebuild a world from scratch. Things weren't over. No, in many ways the problems had just started to develop. They still hadn't talked about what to do; still hadn't found solutions to things they shouldn't be the ones finding solutions for. They were just kids after all. Kids in love in a world that somehow didn't seem to have much room for love. They'd find their way, though. Jungwoo had promised that in the car and he meant it.

"Please stop scrolling through that Instagram account. Half the stuff is stupid." He closed his notebook and put it aside. The risk of Lucas seeing the embarrassing lines was too high.

Reading his body language, the other asked curiously, "Are you writing about me again?" 

The lie came out as quick as if it was the truth. "No."

"You're blushing," claimed Lucas. Jungwoo rolled his eyes, not falling for it this time. "I'm not." He leaned down, stopped right before his lips touched Lucas' in a Spiderman-kissing-Gwen-upside-down way. His hair fell on the other's throat. "Stop reading those weird DIYs and put your phone away. I'm bored."

"No, you're needy."

In response, Jungwoo caught Lucas' bottom lip between his teeth, a little too rough, but he knew Lucas' was into it. Lucas tried to say something, however, given that his mouth wasn't all his own he had some trouble. Mercifully, the older gave him his lower lip back after giving it a soft tug with his front teeth.

Out of nowhere, Lucas asked, "Can we get a dog?"

"What?"

"I want a dog."

Jungwoo was utterly confused. "We're students. We live in a dorm. A one-person dorm. We are two people. Where do you see a dog-" He was interrupted by Lucas' rolling his eyes and saying, "I don't mean _now_. I mean later."

The word _later_ made goosebumps appear on Jungwoo's arms. _Later_ sent him into panic mode. Was he overthinking this? Was Lucas joking? _Later_ sounded so serious. He shrugged, "Oh. _Later_. Sure." He tried to sound nonchalant although the butterflies in his stomach were drunk flying and crashing into his ribs. "What kinda dog?"

"A Samoyed." He raised his phone and showed Jungwoo a video of a guy bathing a huge white puppy. "They look like moving clouds. I want one." It was hard not to immediately fall in love with the fluffy cloud with the black eyes. "It's so cute," mumbled Jungwoo, completely in awe. "I wanna touch the fur, oh my god."

Happy with his reaction, Lucas said gleefully, "Then promise me we'll get one." He lifted his pinky expectantly. The words translated to something else, they both knew that. ' _Promise me you'll stay'_ hung unspoken in the air.

"I promise," replied Jungwoo, kissing the little finger before hooking his own around it. "But I want a bunny too. A white one. And we'll name him Doyoung."

Instantly, Lucas protested, "Um, no. We're definitely not doing that." His expression turned sour. "Are you trying to make me jealous?" 

"What? No, I'm not." Eyelashes fluttered innocently, corners of pink lips turned upwards. "I'd never!"

The younger was pouting, looking up with round puppy eyes. "Well, now I am. Fix it." 

Small fingers ran through brown damp hair. "Fine." Jungwoo leaned down, placed a kiss on his cheek. "You're the only one I like this much." 

Lucas closed his eyes and waited for soft kisses to pour down on him.

"You're the most handsome and the most annoying guy I've ever met."

The boy tried to look offended, but the frown died slowly with every gentle touch he received. Soon he was grinning from ear to ear.

"And you're the only one I want to get a puppy with."

That sentence did it for Lucas. He sat up, looking quite like a puppy himself, and said, "Good. 'Cause that's the plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all excuse any spelling/punctuation mistakes,, I couldn't proofread again bc I gotta be up in five hours jgjgjg  
> One more chapter and we're done.. Woah. Thank you, dear reader, for giving me someone to write this story for!
> 
> Idk if you've already seen it or if you care at all but I've written another LuWoo one-shot, if you wanna check it out: archiveofourown.org/works/18033692
> 
> See u next time!! Please take care and always remember "We'll be safe and we'll be okay." ♡♡♡


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